to be furious with myself! What should I have said? (Ivf)

[Manyofhorror3]

I went out last night with some of the mums from nursery. It's the first time we've ever got together and we were having a pleasant evening until one of the women mentioned that her neighbour was having IVF. Then another woman suddenly said "I think it's wrong and interfering with nature." There was a short discussion about how nonsensical an argument that is, and she kind of agreed but then kept saying "we'll sorry but that's what I think."
I'm normally quite chatty but I was dumbstruck and to my shame, made an excuse and left. My children are the result of fertility treatment, after years of heartache and although I've never discussed it with any of the school mums, I hate the thought of being judged in such a way, and worse, that my children might be treated differently.
This woman has changed her hours at work and will be doing the school run more and I can barely look at her!
What should have I said? I'm so cross with myself for bolting like that!

People who haven't suffered from infertility have no idea what so ever and really aren't in a position to judge. They hardly ever really understand what it is like.

when nature intended you to be ugly yeowch!

"Goes against nature" is of course a stupid argument. There are better arguments against ivf (off the top of my head, I respect views based on destruction of spare embryos, or the unknown long term side effects of the excessive hormone load on the body) and if she had come up with one of those I think you might have been less hurt. Her argument boils down to "I don't like it so I'm just going to say it's wrong".

Why don't people know better than to keep their strong views to themselves in mixed company? I don't go on about Father Christmas in front of people I don't know well, for example, because although I know I'm right I also know people hold different but equally strong and emotional opinions and in most situations there's no need to get into it.

"Interfering with nature?" Would she say the same thing if the person had said that her neighbour had cancer?

However do see that some people would prefer to adopt a child than put themselves through IVF but this is totally different from saying IVF is "wrong" - not sure what you could have said without "outing" yourself - so easy to say I wouldn't have IVF if you haven't been in that situation.

That's the thing forever, a lot of people think they know what they would do but when they actually realise what both entail and involve often end up thinking the opposite.

It's easy to think "oh, who needs pregnancy, this IVF business is expensive and invasive, and there are lots of children needing homes, aren't there?" without realising that for under-3's the demand is quite high thank you very much and in fact the adoption process is so gruelling I for one don't know how people do it (but I do greatly admire them.)

I always find the her opinion is completely invalid posts a bit mehhhh. I hold plenty of different opinions from my friends and I just think so what. I recently had a conversation with a friend who thinks being a stay at home mother is a waste of a woman's education for say hospital consultants, it is a view, not mine. Other friends think it is mad that I am still breastfeeding. So what.

Who knows why she holds her view in a typical MN twist she might have had a family member die or suffer severe morbidity from hyperstimulation of ovaries due to fertility treatment then maybe she has a valid reason to hold her anti nature reasoning. If, as I suspect to be the case, not then who knows challenging her opinion with the circumstances of your situation might in fact change her mind. Either way try not to give a shit about her opinion because you will never get affirmation for your decisions from the world and it is up to you to be confident enough to hold your opinions with pride.

I would have been tempted to ask if she'd conceived her kids easily though - not sure whether it would have been appropriate - and possibly - well its easy to say its wrong when you have no idea how gruelling infertility is....

KC225 that's amazing! Bloody well done you! That girl sounds like a terrible nobber!

"Are you always so rude and ignorant, or is this your specialist subject?"

Always a handy phrase in such situations.

She is Twonk of the week.

thethings I agree, and also it's not like people wake up one day and go 'hey we'll do IVF', is it? Normally it's at the end of years of investigations and treatments. Also, the thing the 'just adopt' brigade don't realise is you can have all the IVF you like (funds permitting) whereas you have to apply for adoption, with an excellent chance of being turned down even before you get to the gruelling assessment process. I also think many do not realise that you cannot pursue IVF and adoption simultaneously. I also admire people who adopt. When the full reality of what you need to do dawned on me I was shocked.

I don't think people realise how gruelling a processs Ivf is physically as well, having watched a friend and a colleague go through it - one with no baby and the other falling pregnant naturally by some miracle after their nhs cycles were done and while saving for private treatment.