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AIBU?

19 year old male hit my 12 year old DS

130 replies

ItsYoniYappy · 13/04/2013 21:52

My Ds came in crying and had wet himself with fear. DS was going in for 'a friend' the brother came out and took DS into his house and pushed him against his wall and told him never to come back to his door again then chased him home.

I seen red and asked Ds to get in the car with me and show me where this person lived, we seen him walking home as we drove to his house and I parked the car, jumped out of the car, ran over to the 19 year old who was taller and stronger than me (and DS) and grabbed him back his arms face on and shook him asking 'do you like someone older bullying you' and continued to do this until he answered me.

I couldn't shake him much as he was bigger, taller than me and quite heavy so he didn't move much but he got a fright.

He ran off to his house to get his mother and I advised her I would be sending the police, I have ruined any chance though by shaking the 19 year old. The mother said nothing.

I know I shouldn't have gone after him but I over reacted. DS advised me after this the 19 year old has some mental health issues and carries knives etc...and often just punches his brother for no reason when Ds plays with him on X Box. (After I had been and shook him)

I know I shouldn't have shook him but I just wanted to scare him as he had scared my DS, I think, I also have MH issues with PTSD and with this comes anger. My anger sometimes spills over onto non normal levels.

Was I BU by shaking him and scaring him? I most likely was but needed to vent anyway.

OP posts:

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 14/04/2013 01:04

Boom you're not a panicky 19 year old though are you? Coming up with what you've suggested takes someone who can think in a crisis.

brdgrl · 14/04/2013 01:05

poor you. and poor DS. I hope it doesn't escalate and that your son has no more trouble with this guy.
For what it's worth, I understand how you came to do what you did.

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 01:06

Oh, if I was a hardened, knife-carrying bully boy I think I'd manage.
I'm a teacher, I've known 12 year olds who could carry off the tale and combine it with tears. If I was 19, I think I'd go for bewildered innocence.

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 01:08

Oh, and the reference to 12 year olds was not intended to accuse the OP's son of dissembling. It was in reference to the 19 year old.

thornrose · 14/04/2013 01:12

Oh ok, thanks Neo.
I think there is a major misunderstanding with the OP's ds calling the 19 yo mental. A 12 yo could use that expression it doesn't mean we should assume there are any KNOWN MH issues.

I think there is a difference between protecting a child and responding to a scary situation which threatened your child. OP admitted she was probably wrong in attacking the 19 yo but acted in a sort of fight and flight response rather than a pre-meditated vigilante response.

I think TheNebulous, you have had a terrible experience and you are bringing your feelings about that to this thread which seems very different to your experience.

I worry like others that the mother of this 19 yo is struggling with his behaviour and the 12 yo brother may be at risk

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 01:38

I like to deal in facts, which is why I think that CPO should be involved.
They will make a reference to SS if necessary.
DS deals in facts too, as did his school. It's why he didn't object to being searched, or answering questions asked by teachers. That way they had the facts rather than hysterical supposition.
It's also the route I took when he was followed and challenged by a father on the street, on his way home. CPO and school follow-up.

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 01:42

It wasn't a terrible experience, it got filed under 'Shit happens'
I taught him how to deal with it, it's not as if being targeted as an Aspie is rare.
DS wasn't traumatised by it, he learned that professionals will listen, that retaliation puts you in the wrong and that you should challenge people to produce evidence rather than emotive ranting and escalating rumour.

GoshAnneGorilla · 14/04/2013 01:47

Nebulous This thread isn't about you. Feel free to start your own.

thornrose · 14/04/2013 01:47

You may not think it was a terrible experience, but to me, a mother of a 13 yo Aspie, it sounds oretty terrible. If my dd was falsely accused, searched etc I dread to think how she would cope.

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 01:49

Start my own?
To say OP should call the police?

thornrose · 14/04/2013 01:53

Nebulous, people lied about YOUR son carrying knives, bear-baited him etc. You are bringing this to the thread and it is not the same, can't you see that?

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 02:00

It isn't the same person.
However the accusations based on the word of a 12 year old are very similar.
He plays on Xbox live with his friend, he has heard the brother over the Xbox.

From that has come accusations of MH issues, knife carrying, physically abusing his brother...'this child has to live with his abuser and it seems the mother cant protect him.'

Can you see why the police are the best people to investigate the truth of the matter? And act on what they find out?
Granted, it's not as dramatic as the OP's father and cousin getting involved and the potential spin-off from that.

TheNebulousBoojum · 14/04/2013 02:02

I'll leave the thread now, but I hope that the situation is resolved without further aggression from anyone.

vivizone · 14/04/2013 02:32

I think you did the right thing. I also wish the other woman in the thread about her toddler daughter being hit by an adult did the same thing as you.

blueballoon79 · 14/04/2013 09:06

When my DS was only 10 years old he was punched by a 17 year old as the 17 year old was getting angry my son and his friend were beating him on a Xbox game.

The 17 year old also called my son a freak and a mong (my son is disabled)

We were at a BBQ with a friend and these were members of her family. They didn't care one bit about what their beloved 17 year old had done and proceeded to call my son a lot of disablist names and when the Grandma of the 17 year old said what the 17 year old had done was wrong, she was called a cunt and a bitch by the rest of the family.

I phoned the police to press charges but it was dropped on lack of eveidence- although my son had massive bruising on his arm and the 17 year old was already known to the police!

Needless to say I haven't seen my friend again as I don't want to associate with people like that. It's a shame as it's not my friends fault she has appalingly behaved family members.

I was very angry about the whole thing for a long time but I don't think you confronting the 19 year old would have been helpful and I don't think your Dad going round to talk to his Mother will help either. She'll be well aware her son is a trouble maker and will have been covering it up for years, or just won't care.

UNfortunately there are people like this and it's best to just stay out of their way.

ItsYoniYappy · 14/04/2013 10:20

OK I will answer what I can remember from reading just now:

I cannot speak to anyone until I speak with DS who is sleeping just now -this could have been an off-handed comment (about knives and him being 'mental'), I also do not know who stays in the house, the mother came out last night but said nothing to me. If it is true though I may speak with SW and ask them to look into it.

It concerns me that her 19 yr old DC took my 12 yr old DS into the house I realise I have reacted but I would like to know if that is normal for her DS to do this/did she agree ? It's not right I would never let Ds bring anyone in this house to do that to him. NEVER.

Yes DS1 & 2 stay at their g.parents most weekends as they have no contact with their F, they go there to give me a break but the eldest usually comes back, now he can.

I actually thought my anger problem was OK as I haven't felt anger like that for many months so thought my medication being tweaked had taken away the 'angry outbursts', when I left the house I was going to shout at the child (never to touch mine again) and call the police.

I did not leave the house knowing 10 minutes later I would be holding up a 19 year old who was most likely twice my weight and a good bit taller than me.

It wasn't planned. I explained how PTSD anger has been explained to me. I know now, I do not have normal anger levels, and if if I think I do they can spill over (thats why I said that in my OP)

Vigilante - No not at all. Stressed out, angry female, yes. I have never seen my DS wet himself with fear. Last time he cried like that was... in the past.

Parents not having police at their house
Yes this annoys me a great deal it annoyed me more when I needed mum to phone police about something (very important) and no my Mum refuses to have the police at her front door, I cannot change her

Thornrose thank you for speaking up about the JK comments.

Sadly it is to be expected on here, hence why I rarely start threads.

OP posts:

thornrose · 14/04/2013 10:27

That's ok!

I hope your ds isn't to stressed today.

Pickles101 · 14/04/2013 14:35

Did you call the police OP? Couldn't see if you had in your latest/previous posts. Apologies if I missed that update! Hope your son's feeling better today.

ItsYoniYappy · 14/04/2013 15:00

I want to wait to speak to my brother (he knows the woman apparently) before I phone up either SW or Police, I live in a fairly small place and it will make a difference (to mine and Ds day to day life) whether I deal with this anonymously (call to SW re knife) or call the police.

It happened because DS was playing chap the door and run, DS1 knocked the door then ran away but the boy ran after him and told him he would hit him if he ran any further so DS stopped running and was taken into the house..

Apparently it is a well known fact that the 19 yr old has threatened someone with a knife. I asked DS is he thought he had mental problems but Ds thinks it is 'his upbringing' (ie the mum knows about the knife and does nothing about it)

I don't know what to do about it tbh

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 14/04/2013 15:10

I think if it were me I'd leave it now.

The 19yr old shouldn't be dragging kids into his home and hitting them for playing knock and run.

And your DS shouldn't be knocking on doors and running away.

A lesson learnt for both of them I think.

As for the knife carrying, it's a rumour and I'm not sure you or even the police can do much about that.

thegreylady · 14/04/2013 15:11

'chap the door and run' is not a game!It is an anti social piece of bad behaviour and I am not surprised your neighbour lost it though he possibly over reacted.
If I were you I would do nothing at all except tell your ds to stop such silliness befor he becomes the subject of a nuisance complaint.

Mawgatron · 14/04/2013 15:16

So now it is revealed that your ds was being a nuisance? Not justifying the 19 yr olds actions, but it seems that your son isn't the innocent victim really is he? If a 6ft man (or 12 yr old- you woul assume that he is older wouldn't you?) knocked on my door and ran away, I would be annoyed. Particularly if it has happened more than once.

And your language is interesting - 'apparently' he attacked someone with a knife etc. so no actual proof then? Seems like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other to me- you were def out of line, as you have acknowledged. Maybe you ds will think twice about behaving that way in the neighbourhood again? And go what it's worth, it does sound like vigilantism if you won't call the police and march round tere yourself to shove him against the wall...

Mawgatron · 14/04/2013 15:17

Arrrgggghhh! Bloody iPhone. Sorry about the shite spelling...

ItsYoniYappy · 14/04/2013 15:17

I agree with you both.

Especially the chap door and run DS1 is home now as my Dad has told him he cannot stay there whilst causing so much stress.

I have explained to DS he needs to stop this, I would b furious if it was my door all the time. He will be staying in for the next week anyway.

His argument was 'there is nothing else to do' and 'i bet you used to do it though Mum' which I did but explained I had stopped it by the time I was 8 and explained that people are different with their reactions these days.

Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:

ItsYoniYappy · 14/04/2013 15:18

Yes Ds was not innocent and I agree this will hopefully deter him

OP posts:

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