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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think SIL is a pregzilla?

68 replies

Iheartcows · 13/04/2013 14:22

My SIL is 6 months pg with her 2nd baby.
She is also obese.
She struggled with day to day things (couldn't walk very far, struggled to bend down etc) before becoming pg so I have no idea why she thought becoming pg would be easy.
During her first pg she was constantly tired, she phoned in sick to work often, she asked anyone she could to do her housework for her and would get my DB to come home on his lunch break to carry out some minor task. (he's a very soft touch)

Despite them living in a tiny house and the constant moaning about lack of space they decided they just had to have another baby. She has made no attempt to lose weight despite her admitting that the reason she struggled so much the first time was due to her weight. She struggles already to look after her toddler and relies on my DM a lot. She complains that her DD is such hard work when I think she's a very easy child, she hands over all childcare to my DB as soon as he gets in from work and takes herself off to bed.

This pregnancy is of course the toughest in the history of pregnancies. She has never been so tired, she's in constant pain, she takes days of work without telling my DM so she still looks after her DD for the day. She gets my (disabled btw) DB to pick everything up for her. She's even asked my DS to pick up her DD's dirty nappy that was at her feet!
Being around her is very difficult, seeing my DB with her is difficult as he is so soft with her and she is walking all over him and taking advantage of my DM's babysitting. She even mentioned moving close to me because it would be nice to have 'someone close by to help with the baby'
She doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for her DC's but just loves the attention being pg gives her. Yet she believes that she's a great mum and looks down her nose and tuts at my DS's if they are too loud or playful.

This makes me sound like such a bitch but her behaviour is making it very difficult to spend any time around her, and my DM is getting upset about being taken advantage of

OP posts:

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 17:52

Should I have waited a little longer until my BMI dipped below 30 then? That would have put me over 35yo, so another cut off point for increased risk. Or.. do I accept that there is a slightly increased risk of certain complications, try and lose a little bit more weight, and just carry on regardless?

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 17:53

If half the general population are overweight or obese it stands to reason that half of pregnant women are overweight or obese.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 17:59

mybeloved I can't answer your questions for you and why would I anyway?

My original post was to the OP, then you commented and took what I said personally. I've apologised that you feel offended and even pointed out that other people's opinions do often end up inadvertently offending others...but that's life and it's certainly discussion forums for you.

Anyway since the OP hasn't posted for a while, I'm going to leave the thread because it was never my intention to get into a deep discussion about your BMI and your pregnancy/pregnancies etc.

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 18:00

MardyBra · 13/04/2013 18:09

"I've apologised that you feel offended..."

But not for your remarks though.

"...and even pointed out that other people's opinions do often end up inadvertently offending others...but that's life and it's certainly discussion forums for you."

I don't think anyone is disputing that there are risks in pregnancy for overweight women, but there are ways and means of couching that in language which doesn't cause offence, rather than making a sweeping generalisation that any woman with a BMI over 30 who gets pregnant is selfish.

MoominsYonisAreScary · 13/04/2013 18:14

Around 15-20 % of pregnant women are obese. Over half of the women who die during pregnancy are obese

Anyway

There's not much you can do except stay away, your db is obviously old enough to make his own choices. Does he complain about all the things he does for her?

MardyBra · 13/04/2013 18:14

And of course, this is a very big forum. There could well be a lurker on this thread who is suffering some complications in pregnancy, who is now feeling pretty miserable and well and truly judged because she is a few pounds overweight and it's all her fault because she is "selfish".

MummytoKatie · 13/04/2013 18:28

Worra I think the point that Mybeloved is trying to make is that if over half the population is overweight then over half of pregnant women will be overweight so over half the deaths is meaningless.

Having said that I do think that if you had an awful pregnancy first time due to your weight then ttcing without even trying to lose weight the second is a bit on the silly side.

MortifiedAdams · 13/04/2013 18:34

She sounds lazy and hard work. However your grown adult brother is capable of preventing an unwanted pregnancy. It appears he has entered into this willingly.

PiratePanda · 13/04/2013 18:43

"I have heard somewhere that being obese and pregnant is deemed at least as bad as smoking whilst pregnant."

Well that sounds made up

MoominsYonisAreScary · 13/04/2013 18:58

Well if you look at the nhs website smoking and obesity cause alot of the same problems during pg

Bridgetbidet · 13/04/2013 19:21

So. The general gist of the OP is 'I don't like my sister in law very much so I'm going to post on here listing all of her faults because I want other people to agree with me so I can feel vicariously good about her getting a pasting on the internet.'

Nothing you have posted shows her as abusive or dangerous. You just don't personally like her very much. She has a few unappealing characteristics, who doesn't?

Get over it and keep your nose out of her and your DBs business. It's really nothing to do with you.

StuntGirl · 13/04/2013 19:54

Well said bridget

ChairmanWow · 13/04/2013 20:13

Hear hear Bridget.

I've just been through a horrible pregnancy. Debilitating morning sickness, exhaustion throughout and PGP the last 3 months. I've had to rely on my DH to care for DS heavily. Has it occurred to you that your SIL is just having a shitty pregnancy, or does the fact she's obese make it open season to stereotype her as lazy as well as selfish for wanting another child. There seems to be a fat-bashing thread on here at least once a week and it shows MN in a very poor light.

As for your DB and DM, they make their choices. if she is taking advantage of them then it's up to them to speak up.

apostropheuse · 13/04/2013 20:15

It's never a good thing to generalise. My husband and I were extremely fertile, having four children in four years before I was sterilised. I had text-book pregnancies and rapid deliveries. My blood pressure was perfect throughout etc. I was very definitely obese.

Of course nobody would say it's good to be obese, I don't believe anyone enjoys it, but a person can be obese and be fitter/have less health problems than someone who isn't.

We are all individuals, not a statistic.

maddening · 13/04/2013 20:31

The housework situation is nothing to do with you - that is between your db and his wife

The childcare arrangements between her mil and herself and just that.

Who are you to judge how the pregnancy is impacting her!

Your db obviously decided he wanted dc2 whilst knowing his wife's weight - or was he not involved?

Happy247 · 13/04/2013 20:46

I am so glad she ain't my SIL!! She sounds extremely lazy and extremely unfair on your DCs.

currentbuns · 13/04/2013 21:13

^Of course nobody would say it's good to be obese, I don't believe anyone enjoys it, but a person can be obese and be fitter/have less health problems than someone who isn't.

We are all individuals, not a statistic.^

Yes, in much the some way as many smokers/binge-drinkers can appear to suffer no ill-effects. We've all heard about the man who smoked 40 a day for 70 years and lived to 95. However, the statistical likelihood of experiencing health problems is still higher, just as it is with obesity.

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