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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SIL is a pregzilla?

68 replies

Iheartcows · 13/04/2013 14:22

My SIL is 6 months pg with her 2nd baby.
She is also obese.
She struggled with day to day things (couldn't walk very far, struggled to bend down etc) before becoming pg so I have no idea why she thought becoming pg would be easy.
During her first pg she was constantly tired, she phoned in sick to work often, she asked anyone she could to do her housework for her and would get my DB to come home on his lunch break to carry out some minor task. (he's a very soft touch)

Despite them living in a tiny house and the constant moaning about lack of space they decided they just had to have another baby. She has made no attempt to lose weight despite her admitting that the reason she struggled so much the first time was due to her weight. She struggles already to look after her toddler and relies on my DM a lot. She complains that her DD is such hard work when I think she's a very easy child, she hands over all childcare to my DB as soon as he gets in from work and takes herself off to bed.

This pregnancy is of course the toughest in the history of pregnancies. She has never been so tired, she's in constant pain, she takes days of work without telling my DM so she still looks after her DD for the day. She gets my (disabled btw) DB to pick everything up for her. She's even asked my DS to pick up her DD's dirty nappy that was at her feet!
Being around her is very difficult, seeing my DB with her is difficult as he is so soft with her and she is walking all over him and taking advantage of my DM's babysitting. She even mentioned moving close to me because it would be nice to have 'someone close by to help with the baby' Shock
She doesn't seem to want to take any responsibility for her DC's but just loves the attention being pg gives her. Yet she believes that she's a great mum and looks down her nose and tuts at my DS's if they are too loud or playful.

This makes me sound like such a bitch but her behaviour is making it very difficult to spend any time around her, and my DM is getting upset about being taken advantage of

OP posts:
Original poster
Iheartcows · 13/04/2013 16:12

Im not just talking about my DB helping her out, of course hevsh She posts on fb that's she's struggling to do her ironing so begs friends to help, she tells my DM that she's going to work so hands over DD at 7:30am then goes back home to bed having phoned in sick, she sits on her arse expecting all the children present to fetch and carry for her when visiting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iheartcows · 13/04/2013 16:13

*he should, not hevsh Hmm

OP posts:
pictish · 13/04/2013 16:20

So she's a lazy caaah.

Well...your brother chooses to remain in a relationship with his lazy wife.
Your mum chooses to be taken advantage of by her lazy dil.

She sounds awful...but she is who your brother wants.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 16:20

Obesity can cause serious risks to both mother and baby, so yes imo it is selfish to actively try to conceive a baby while obese.

I would say the same to a smoker who causes possible unnecessary risk to her baby and herself.

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 16:23

Well thanks for that Worra..

DolomitesDonkey · 13/04/2013 16:23

You do realise right that she's depressed, hence obese - and that she's probably bringing a little joy to her life through a new life even though she knows her current one is shit?

YABU to attack the effect without offering to attack the cause.

Chunderella · 13/04/2013 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 16:26

I'm sorry if that offends btw, but the increased risks are there none the less.

Shylepite · 13/04/2013 16:30

"This makes me sound like such a bitch" - yes it does.

You have no idea how she's feeling or if its because of her weight or not. I had one easy pregnancy and one awful one, I'm not overweight it was just one of those things. Your dislike of your sil really comes across in the tone of your post, just stay away from her if she annoys you so much.

pumpkinsweetie · 13/04/2013 16:31

Without being mean op, no-one is to blame for this situation alone. Your db helped get her pregnant, she wouldn't have got pregnant by herself and now she is pregnant he has a responsibility to help her out.
Your dm chooses to help, she doesn't have to, she obviously likes helping looking after her gc.
It sounds as though your sil isn't in a good place right now, try to be there for her rather than judge a situation which has already taken place.
If you really cannot stand the way she lives her life, walk away.

DaisyFlower123 · 13/04/2013 16:42

I think there are always 2 sides to every story, yes from your description yanbu, however I could imagine my sil writing something like this about me. I have severe spd this time, am sick constantly and finding this pregnancy really hard. According to sil spd happens to everyone, nothing that happens to me is as bad as her and I should just harden up and whatever I do she finds criticism with. Therefore I tell her very little.
I am not saying this is the same for your case but as you say you don't see her that often so how much do you really know about the full reality? The post just sounds a little judgemental.

lougle · 13/04/2013 16:43

Some pregnancies are terrible, you know.

I fell pregnant at a 'good' age. 25. I was fit and healthy. Within a few days of getting a positive test I picked up a virus. It didn't go. I was signed off work (neonatal intensive care) for 4 weeks in the end. I went back to work, and a week later was signed off with another bad virus for 5 weeks. It triggered Chronic Fatigue that had been dormant for 2 years.

I returned to work but I struggled through every single shift. There were days when I would be tube feeding a baby and literally hanging onto the cot side because the fatigue in my arms simply from holding the syringe in the air was exhausting.

One day, a fellow nurse said 'pregnancy isn't an illness, you know.' It was for me. Genuinely. I wasn't 'well' for a single day in my pregnancy.

I have 3 children. It turns out that DD1 has SN. Despite the fact that I had her to deal with while pregnant with DD2, and the fact that I had a SN toddler and a NT toddler to deal with while pregnant with DD3, I have never felt as ill as when I was pregnant with DD1.

TheSecondComing · 13/04/2013 16:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 17:03

But there are risks with any pregnancy, and being obese does not automatically mean a riskier pregnancy, it just means that you might be more likely to have certain complications.

MardyBra · 13/04/2013 17:10

"it is selfish to actively try to conceive a baby while obese."

Judgey or what? By all mean express an opinion overweight mothers, but lay off the judginess and holier-than-thou attitude.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 17:12

Exactly mybelovedmonster

It's the same with smoking/drinking/recreational drug taking.

They don't all lead to complications but why take the risk, especially considering over half of women who die during childbirth are overweight or obese?

It's just my personal opinion that it's selfish but then again, I accept that having children is selfish for all of us because we do it for our own needs obviously.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 17:16

I'll lay off/on whatever I want to thanks Mardy.

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 17:21

I accept your opinion - you're just coming across as being very judgemental.
You saying that half of women who die in childbirth are overweight or obese is meaningless.

My point was that you can be healthy, have a good diet, no risk factors whatsoever and still have things go wrong. Smoking and drinking have much more quantifiable risks - obesity is a bit different as it depends on so many other things.

I don't want to be obese - I'm trying not to be! But tbh.. I found giving up smoking easier than shifting this weight. I've got to a BMI OF 31 now,so borderline obese (it was at just over 35) and it does offend me that people think that I shouldnt have even tried to get pregnant.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 17:26

I'm sorry you're taking my opinion personally beloved, I can't say any more than that really.

I've seen people take offence when pregnant smokers are considered selfish too.

I suppose whenever we give our opinions on these things, we run the risk of at least someone being offended.

worsestershiresauce · 13/04/2013 17:28

Ok so she's obese - given that is the status quo there is little point debating it. However I can well believe that being 6 months pregnant on top of obesity is making her feel every bit as bad as she is saying, and that picking things up from by her feet is nigh on impossible. Have a bit of sympathy for her current predicament and maybe encourage her after the birth to lose the baby weight, and then a bit more as well.

mybelovedmonster · 13/04/2013 17:30

You're right, I am offended.

Bakingnovice · 13/04/2013 17:32

Dolomitesdonkey- really interesting post. Do you think that all obese women are depressed then?

I happen to agree that obesity certainly seems to suggest there is some physical/emotional medical issue.

digerd · 13/04/2013 17:38

I didn't know that women died in childbirth these days - only the rare tragic occurrence. < my GM died in childbirth in 1920 and she was slim>.

Also this word 'obese' so often used. A Gp called a woman's son of 12 'obese' when he was just 1 lb over the ideal for his height.
She was furious and had a go at GP, who admitted that they were told by the powers that be, to use shock tactics to get children and adults to eat less.

My SIL is 5' and 11 stone and is overweight, but she is as fit as a fiddle and very energetic. Much more than I am at an 'ideal weight of 8' and 5'2.

OP Your SIL is taking advantage and you are all letting her get away with it.

WestieMamma · 13/04/2013 17:48

They don't all lead to complications but why take the risk, especially considering over half of women who die during childbirth are overweight or obese?

Well given that over half of the population are overweight, that means the risk is no higher then.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 17:51

But over half the population aren't female and pregnant are they? Confused