to think that only an abusive man would want a submissive woman?

[singstothebluewolf]

Not talking about fetishes in the bedroom but a relationship where the woman submits to her husbands will even when it is against her own wants/needs/interests. I don't really care what choices adult women choose for themselves but when you're promoting the idea that 'true femininity' is being dominated by a man then you need to be challenged because you're wrong.

I think that any man who wants a woman who bows down to his every demand must be a bully who doesn't like or respect women, he wants a servant, not a wife.

Here is Gabrielle Reece trying to sell her book, advising all women that we need to learn submissiveness to our man to be happy

So it wouldn't happen in front of children if you had them?

bye bye puff, you sound judgemental and narrowminded and I find that distasteful.

NO!

I quite like the idea of being the submissive homemaker type. But I think I am just naturally submissive - not really dominant at all.

Problem is that most men don't seem to be into it. Well some probably like the whole bedroom side but not as a traditional lifestyle with old fashioned gender roles.

That's what I thought GoSuckEggs. So those that are critcising your choice of lifestyle don't have a leg to stand on really. And it's different to what the OP is talking about.

you are the opposite to me quizzy! i am the least naturally submissive person!

Bedrooms are very strange places!

I have one acquaintance who comes across as quite submissive day to day (she does tend to affect the 'little girl' syndrome) but at night she's quite open about her penchant as a dominatrix.

So what you see is not always what you get!

bleaching my eyes at the thought of her spanking her last boyfriend

I think only a CONTROLLING man would want a generally submissive woman. Big difference IMO

Well fair enough if you trust him never to do that in front of any children you might have (I take it you have none yet?)

But babies/children can put a massive strain on the most equal of relationships.

I imagine if one person is used to being the dominant/violent one, it might be difficult to rein that in after weeks of disturbed sleep.

But obviously only you know him.

yes it will not be a problem when we have children. currently TTC!

So now I'm thinking that the submissive role is more about play acting, and putting on a special act, in many cases. I think that's quite a specialised dynamic in some relationships. Most people I think just could not be bothered.

GoSuckEggs am I right in thinking that your DH grabs your hair or puts his face into yours in the empty aisles of supermarkets? That sounds more like public thrill seeking combined with sub/dom. Can I ask what you would think if a woman did that to a man in an empty supermarket aisle?

Met one of those men once, he irritated me so much I never, ever spoke to him again.

What if during the course of a relationship, one person gets fed up of playing the game and the other one doesn't?

It must be quite hard to dominate someone for years and then have them suddenly decide they want to be your equal.

It must be, we have not reached that point yet, if ever, so i dont know the answer to your question.

I think you are right in broad brushstrokes and certainly very controlling and domineering men tend to like submissive women. But actually in my experience there are quite a lot of men who are quite "progressive" in terms of politics and what they say publicly about women but who when the chips are down want a man who is actually quite submissive in the context of their sexual and romantic life. I think a lot of men's private emotional lives haven't caught up with the rhetoric.
I have a very old (male) friend who is very progressive and mature in terms of the way he sees women in society but if I look back over his romantic choices he has generally tended to choose women who will put his needs first and generally take a more back seat role in the relationship. He probably isn't even aware he is doing it. And I think it's also a mistake to assume that better educated men are more open to "strong" women than those from more working class backgrounds. I have met an awful lot of men who would never dream of making a sexist remark in public but who would be privately scandalised if their partner earned more than them. It's much more nuanced than you suggest.

They want a woman, I meant, not a man

I think you're right Quesadilla, but they've always been the type of man I've been very, very careful to avoid!

worra we have times where we are really into it and then it can be a 24/7 thing and then other times I'm not into it at all so we talk about it and we cool it. He would be quite happy to do it all the time but his priority is our relationship and making me happy so if I'm not getting anything out of it, he wouldn't either.

gosuckeggs Just nature I guess! Have never been dominant or competitive or anything like that. Much prefer all the domestic stuff to the career stuff!

Tbh we've had a break for quite a few months now and I'm starting to miss it. it's very focussed and highly charged when we do it and very exciting. the kids would never know and to anyone else it would just look like we were highly respectful to each other although they may notice the slightly slanted dynamics. He would never embarrass me by making it obvious in public. I've always had that as a limit.

YABU.

I love a man to be like this. I know exactly what eggs is talking about and no, it is definitely not abusive.

It's exciting, not upsetting. If it was ever upsetting, the man would stop. It's the opposite to an abusive relationship where the man would set out to upset through much more devious means.

branleuse - our relationship sounds similar to ours. although I am starting to look into humiliation more....

spot on binks

I think people are getting confused by sexual submissiveness between consenting adults and choosing to live a life as a surrendered wife.

I watched a programme about surrendered wives on tv not so long ago. Basically they are saying that they have gone back to the "men go to work and make decisions about the home whilst women stay home barefoot and pregnant ans attending to her family's every need.

Either way as far as I can see as long as e everyone is happy then it isn't really a problem.

Jilly Cooper released a very similar book, reminding us all that in order to keep our husbands we must never refuse sex and have a hot dinner ready for when he gets home.
She was interview about it by Jenni Murray on radio 4, she simpered on and on about traditional gender roles and making sure your man feels like a man! Jenni then asked her about her husband leaving her for another woman in a high profile affair a few years earlier. Jolly seemed stunned that this had come up. Radio silence!
It was amazing! Love Jenni!

It's fine for the occassional relationship of fully consenting adults to be like this in the context of a society that would support a woman who was not looking for a relationship like this but found herself with an abusive partner who was seeking to dominate her. But I would hate to live in a society where it was the norm and children were brought up to see it as "how things are mean to be". Therefore I don't really like to see people advocating this type of relationship as it normalises it and can give reassurance to abusive men.