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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that only an abusive man would want a submissive woman?

78 replies

singstothebluewolf · 13/04/2013 12:05

Not talking about fetishes in the bedroom but a relationship where the woman submits to her husbands will even when it is against her own wants/needs/interests. I don't really care what choices adult women choose for themselves but when you're promoting the idea that 'true femininity' is being dominated by a man then you need to be challenged because you're wrong.

I think that any man who wants a woman who bows down to his every demand must be a bully who doesn't like or respect women, he wants a servant, not a wife.

Here is Gabrielle Reece trying to sell her book, advising all women that we need to learn submissiveness to our man to be happy

OP posts:

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:26

yes i am for real. No he is not abusive. We both enjoy the submissive/dominant lifestyle.

GreenPeppercorn · 13/04/2013 14:26

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 14:27

GoSuck you sound like you're describing a bedroom sex scenario between two consenting adults - not everyday life.

Do you have children and if so, do they see him rough handling you like that?

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:27

what is that face for?

PuffPants · 13/04/2013 14:28

GoSuck, as you wish, but please say you haven't got children together.

Or that you're making this up to get a bit of attention? Either way, troubling.

Theenemy · 13/04/2013 14:29

It's fair to challenge her and debate the issue, but you can't just say she is wrong just because you don't agree, she's entitled to her opinion and its just as valid as yours. I also think its unfair to imply her husband is a bully.

I prefer to be in a 50/50 relationship but each to their own.

janey68 · 13/04/2013 14:29

I think GoSuck is proving my point actually. She doesn't feel abused. She likes taking on this role. By being submissive, she's getting something out of the situation too. She's also said her husband respects her and does not make her behave in a certain way when she doesn't wish to

It wouldn't float my boat, I feel very uncomfortable at the idea, but it floats hers. That's not the same as an abusive relationship

What I'm saying is, in all these situations, when something works for a particular couple, then they are both getting something out of it.

GreenPeppercorn · 13/04/2013 14:30

Sounds like a bedroom scenario not something that happens in every day life and to me it sounds abusive.

LessMissAbs · 13/04/2013 14:30

I think I'm confusing a submissive woman with a financially dependent woman.

Even so, there can surely be very few women who adopt that fake SarahJessicaParkerEsque little girl lost act around a man.

What about all those women who are quite bitchy to men, but very, very pretty, like my former flatmate, who field off men in droves?

Greythorne · 13/04/2013 14:32

This reply has been deleted

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GoshAnneGorilla · 13/04/2013 14:32

Starfield - please read again what I wrote. I am in no way implying what you are saying. To reiterate: there is a huge difference between mutually agreed task allocation and the wife being subservient to her husband in all things.

Branleuse · 13/04/2013 14:34

yabu

as long as everyone's happy and not coerced then other people's relationship dynamics are entirely their own business. Abusive is not the opposite of submissive.

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:35

what would it matter even if we did have children puff? we are not butchering kittens!
why on earth would i make it up!?

what is troubling you?

Our lifestyle is not for everyone. Just like i am sure yours is not for everyone! I am not abused, I enjoy it. Believe it or not I can actually get a lot of things my own way by playing my role well. He is actually a bit of a softy and gives in to me very easily.

HollyBerryBush · 13/04/2013 14:37

Picking up on the "Little girl" scenario - I know a lot of women who game play like that - it doesn't mean they aren't actually the dominant force in the relationship.

Its means that the pretence of traditional roles is fulfilled - he thinks he's massaging his inner caveman and protector role, she knows shes manipulating him.

DH and I defer to each other over important matters eg large money outlay.

I will say something like "Do you think we can go to X place this year for holidays?" (I defer to him) and he will say "If thats what you'd like, yes" (he acknowledges my want).

Honour satisfied all round!

Pandemoniaa · 13/04/2013 14:38

I don't think you can compare your bedroom preferences with surrendered wifedom. I also have friends who enjoy a dominant/submissive sexual relationship but abuse, in the sense that it is being discussed on this thread, doesn't come into it. It's not my choice but I really don't think you are making a comparable example GoSuck.

WorraLiberty · 13/04/2013 14:39

what would it matter even if we did have children puff? we are not butchering kittens!

Of course it matters.

Surely you wouldn't want your children picking up on violent behaviour?

Or to have your DD think it's ok to be rough housed if she doesn't tow the line.

Or to have your DS think if someone doesn't tow the line, he only has to grab them by the face or hair?

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Branleuse · 13/04/2013 14:40

gosuckeggs I've dabbled in that lifestyle too. All good fun.
I love powerplay here and there. it's most definitely not abusive. it's playing and it's being secure enough know what your needs are, what you personally enjoy and having someone who's needs complement yours.

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:44

Worra, I said "If i am not submissive he might, depending on where we are and what i am not submitting to, grab my hair or hold my face to his."

Where we are - obviously this would be something done in private. It is something private between us, it would not/is not done in front of anyone.

BumpingFuglies · 13/04/2013 14:44

GoSuckEggs, would he do this in front of other people? Would he do it in front of children if you had them? Or is it just sub/dom in a sexual context? I think that's very different from what the OP is talking about.

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:45

Branleuse - the second time in as many days, you are spot on!

BumpingFuglies · 13/04/2013 14:45

Ah, x post sorry. I don't agree that this is abuse. It's consensual and works for many couples.

PuffPants · 13/04/2013 14:45

Because your husband is violent and it is generally considered detrimental for children to witness violence, especially between their parents. And watching one's mother both being abused and allowing the abuse does long-lasting emotional damage to both boys and girls.

Anyway, I'm off, you sound like an attention-seeker and I find it very distasteful.

GoshAnneGorilla · 13/04/2013 14:46

Holly - you see I'm familiar with the "the man is the head of the family, but the woman is the neck and the neck turns the head" rhetoric.

I understand why it works for people, but I find it troubling that the only type of power a woman is permitted has to be of the manipulative kind and it is not a kind of power that is generally respected. Big strong men don't have to be manipulative do they? They can just get what they want.

Also, why do we need this pretence? Can't we just respect each other without game playing?

GoSuckEggs · 13/04/2013 14:47

It is not just a sub/dom context. It might happen in an empty asle in a supermarket - but it is not done in front of others.

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