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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take away dd's new book and not replace it?

39 replies

Melpomene · 11/04/2013 21:39

DD is nearly 10. Today my Dad took her shopping while I did some work. They went to the bookshop and he bought her three books, which she chose for herself. DD showed me the books when they got back.

Two of the books were labelled 'age 9 to 12' - fine. The third one was labelled 'teenage'. It was this one. After flicking through it and checking online reviews I didn't think it was suitable for DD's age. (It features a 15 year old having a sexual relationship with her 14 year old cousin, and the Amazon review says it's suitable for age 14 and older.) So I told DD that I didn't think it appropriate for her age, and that I'll put it away for a couple of years. DD accepted this quite matter of factly, without a quibble, and my Dad was fine about it too (he had been a bit unsure about whether to buy the book and understood that I would screen it as it's labelled teenage.).

However, DH and I have had an argument as he thinks I should buy DD another book to replace the one I confiscated. He also accused me of being patronising. I don't see why I should have to replace the book; she had two other new books plus other treats. She is familiar with the concept that some books are not suitable for her age and I think she knew she was taking a gamble choosing a book labelled 'teenage'. The consequence of that choice is that she has to wait a couple of years to read it. She's not upset.

Her birthday is coming up soon and I've already bought her several books to give her on her birthday. I also took her to the library yesterday, where she chose 12 books. So she's not exactly short of reading material!

So, AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 11/04/2013 21:43

YANBU

I think 14 books is enough to be getting on with

LadyBeagleEyes · 11/04/2013 21:43

Do you know, I really don't care.
She's clearly got lots of books at the moment.
Or you could replace it.
Whatever.

Hulababy · 11/04/2013 21:44

YANBU

She has 2 new books anyway. And eventually she can have the third book, when she is oolder.

I would have also removed it as not yet appropriate.

LindyHemming · 11/04/2013 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hemlet · 11/04/2013 21:46

I don't think you are. It's not been taken away as a punishment, or for anything other than not being ready for it yet. If she didn't have the other stuff I could understand saying 'no, not that one yet, let's get you something more appropriate', but that's not the case.

WorraLiberty · 11/04/2013 21:47

LBE I have no idea why your post made me laugh out loud, but it did Grin

CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 11/04/2013 21:47

If you think she knew it was a gamble I'd not replace it. Especially if she is keen to keep it to read at a later stage.

If she isn't that fussed you can always exchange it rather then keep it?

But if you are keeping it there's no need to replace it is there?

ChasedByBees · 11/04/2013 21:48

If it wasn't for your mention of the 12 books I would have said YABU. It was chosen with a responsible adult so I don't think it's all her fault.

ShadowStorm · 11/04/2013 21:50

YANBU.

She's had other new books, she can have the teenage one when she's old enough, and she seems fine with it being confiscated for a couple of years.

I don't see any need to get her an extra book as compensation.

WidowWadman · 11/04/2013 21:53

I think YABU for taking it away in the first place. Sounds interesting though, might download it for myself.

toomuch2young · 11/04/2013 21:54

My 9 year old(nearly 10) god daughter would not be interested in reading that book yet as though capable of reading it, the themes would be completely lost on her I'd imagine.
So many great books for their age range I would put that at the back of the cupboard for 4 years.
Incidentally I read it as an adult and it is a brilliant read pinch it for yourself

Mutt · 11/04/2013 21:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WidowWadman · 11/04/2013 22:54

Why is he ridiculous? He's totally got a point to call her censorship patronising. What are you worried could happen if she reads the book?

ruledbyheart · 11/04/2013 23:35

I have that book, it is a great book, its not graphic about the cousins relationship more of an emotional thing where they help each other through a tough time (world war 3) its very sad though and some of the description of war zones (dead bodies, people being shot) I suppose could be upsetting but I wouldn't take it away over the relationship thing.

It is definitely a teen read not an adult book so would depend on how mature your DD is for her age.

Original poster
Melpomene · 11/04/2013 23:55

Thanks for the replies; glad to hear that most think I'm not being totally unreasonable!

WidowWadman, basically I'm worried that it could be confusing, upsetting and/or unsettling for her to read something with emotionally complex themes that are intended for an older age group. In particular, the line in the blurb that "real love is something violent" concerned me. She's still in the fairly early stages of learning about sex and sexual relationships. I'm not sure that reading about a sexual relationship between 14/15 year old cousins against a background of war atrocities is something she's ready for yet. She's not yet 10.

If I let her read it when she's 12 that's still 2 years earlier than the age recommended in the Amazon review, so I don't think I'm over censoring. As someone said above, it's not as if I've thrown the book in the bin and it sounds like she'll be better equipped to understand and enjoy it when she's older.

By way of comparison, we've let her watch a few 12 certificate DVDs/films, but there are other 12 certificate films that we don't think are suitable and I shan't be letting her watch a 15 certificate film for some time yet. Doesn't everyone 'censor' or draw the line somewhere?

OP posts:
YoniWankEnobi · 11/04/2013 23:56

YANBU for your child. But personal,y I believe that book is suitable for 10+ (14+ is ludicrous!) it is not graphic or explicit, it features a mild teenage love story which is a common theme, and is really about the emotions of abandonment by her parents, and a war. However, for a 10yo it really depends on her maturity/knowledge. My DDs at that age knew far more than I wanted them to know due to friends and they understood a lot of the themes and were prepared about them and had been exposed to that idea of love etc; (obviously) so to them it was something to read and then they picked holes in the plot.

Good book, but depends on the exposure your DD has has previously and her maturity for her age about such stuff. DD3 wouldn't be mature enough for sure for that book, the DTDs would have been at that age, it depends on your child.

YoniWankEnobi · 11/04/2013 23:57

Actually, scrap my last reply, YANBU. Save the book. The book would be, tbh, lost anyway as the themes are quite mature and complex and I think at 12 she would enjoy the book better. Keep the book, read it and save it!

seeker · 12/04/2013 00:01

I think you've done th right thing. Part of being a parent is making decisions like this. And I just don't understand why people are carful about the films or video games their children have, but aren't careful at all about books. Secretly I think they get a kick out of having a child who is capable of reading books intended for older people!

WidowWadman · 12/04/2013 07:10

I think as long as you talk with your child about the book, and don't leave her to get on with it on her own, there's no reason to put it away.

It's not about "getting a kick out of it", seeker, but trusting your child to make choices about what interests her.

I feel the same about video games and films by the way - it's better to let kids have access and talk about it, than censor them, meaning that they can't come and talk to you about it then they've seen/played it elsewhere.

Mutt · 12/04/2013 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

usualsuspect · 12/04/2013 07:34

12 books from the library?

That is a lot of books.

usualsuspect · 12/04/2013 07:36

I'm sure she wont miss the unsuitable book.

princesskc · 12/04/2013 07:37

I think YANBU my DS was given 2 bags of books by a friend last year, her DS is 3 years older than mine so I read every book to see if it was suitable for him. I only removed 1 in the end but its sat on my bookshelf waiting for a year or two. My DH was impressed I'd screened them all (only because he didn't want to) read it first see what you think, you know your daughter better than anyone else.

DeskPlanner · 12/04/2013 07:40

YANBU

jomaynard · 12/04/2013 08:15

YANBU
I have read the book, and to be honest even if she did try to read it, it is likely she would get bored. I was more annoyed by it personally, but think the lack of pace/action would bore a 9/10 year old. My 9 year old wouldn't get past the first page, and I'm not sure my 14 year old would have the patience for it either (and she has gone through Twilight enough to think they are boring books now).

Is your DH one of these people who thinks every child's Christmas presents should add up to exactly the last pound, to be fair? Maybe there is something in his past which is bringing this out? We always joke about the train set my DH was bought as a child but never allowed really to play with, as his dad monopolised it.

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