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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being unfair?

123 replies

Lambzig · 10/04/2013 20:25

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

OP posts:
cjel · 10/04/2013 22:32

Seems reasonable to me to buy tickets?

SolidGoldBrass · 10/04/2013 22:42

Hmm. Be careful that it doesn't end up with you babysitting the kids in your friends' house while he goes out with the grownups.

squeakytoy · 11/04/2013 00:26

Sorry but I am with numberlock there... not only is he now looking after his own kids (which yadnbu at all) but saying "well I am going, and you are now also babysitting my friends kids too" really is not going to go well..

He doesnt sound the type to find that a particularly appealing solution.

Just go on your night out, and let him look after HIS children, in the same way that you do it when he regularly has his solo nights out.

dadinthehat · 11/04/2013 00:36

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

dadinthehat · 11/04/2013 00:36

Chap here. Not read all of the thread but seen the last few.

I would go and leave him home. At the most perhaps all go for the day and he can drive home with the DCs and leave you to party.

squeakytoy · 11/04/2013 00:38

the night event is the day BEFORE the afternoon party

Cerisier · 11/04/2013 05:16

Don't offer DH as babysitter to your friend. I would be furious if someone did that to me.

AllOverIt · 11/04/2013 05:32

YADNBU to go out and leave DH at home with your own two.

YABU to offer up DH to babysit your friend's kids too without chatting to him first and he's okay with it.

That would seriously piss me off if DH did that to me.

Chottie · 11/04/2013 05:44

I don't understand about getting DH to look after someone else's DC as well ??? I think this could seriously pee him off........ If he finds it challenging to look after his own two children, why would you arrange for him to look after more children (and without even asking him???)

Sorry if I have misunderstood your post !!!

YellowDinosaur · 11/04/2013 06:38

I was fully outraged on your behalf and confident you were definitely NBU right up until your last post.

If you're going to stay with your friends, who would be getting a babysitter themselves otherwise, wtaf can't the baby sitter look after your 2 kids too so your dh can come too? YANBU to think that if you don't have a babysitter you get to go out while your dh looks after your children. You would still nbu if you were the one who went out every fortnight imho as it is your friend whose birthday it is.

You would be very unreasonable to expect your dh to baby sit for your friends too without asking him. If he struggles with the kids on his own anyway adding more into the mix, in a house that isn't yours, is going to make that a lot harder.

'I've bought my ticket as I assumed you couldn't possibly be serious that I should miss my close friends birthday celebration' fait accompli - totally reasonable. The above plus 'and we're staying with friend so you can babysit their kids too while we have fun without you' fait accompli - totally and utterly unfair and unreasonable.

pictish · 11/04/2013 07:29

Agree with the others - definitely go, and sod him.
Definitely don't offer him up as a babysitter though.

Original poster
Lambzig · 11/04/2013 07:47

Oh I would definitely run it past him before offering him as babysitter, i would never do that, but I am pretty sure he will like that. Means all the DC will be in bed before we go out, he isn't bothered about missing out on the event and he doesn't have to get the tea and bath time, get them up and breakfasted in the car by himself. All he has to do is sit on the sofa But oBviously will suggest it first.

Don't think either of us would want to leave DC2 in particular with a stranger babysitter.

If he doesn't like the idea will just go by myself.

Numberlock, why the wrong decision to book a ticket.

OP posts:
Littleturkish · 11/04/2013 08:00

Lambzig I think he NEEDS to do the bedtime prep himself.

He needs to father up.

You can't learn how without doing it- so he needs to do it!

travailtotravel · 11/04/2013 08:02

Agree you should go as DH clearly being a bit of a prize tool about this one, but presenting a fait accompli is not the way IMHO.

If he had discussed an event with you, and you essentially said no, then he came home with the ticket for it saying I'm going anyway, well - there'd likely be a thread in Relationships and cries of LTB!

Please talk about this and make him see sense

Original poster
Lambzig · 11/04/2013 08:14

DH didn't say no, he just said "if we can't go maybe neither of us should" and "I am not keen on doing all that after a long week at work" and "seems a bit harsh on me" while I just kept repeating that I really needed a night out. He made a joke saying "what are you talking about, you have been out without me at least six times since dc1 was born" (actually its five). He said "it's up to you, but I am not keen".

It's usually how he gets his own way about stuff, but I decided to do this one anyway. Tickets aren't so expensive that if I don't go it's a lot of money wasted.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 11/04/2013 08:16

It would depend if the "no" pronouncement was reasonable, or not, I believe

AnyFucker · 11/04/2013 08:17

Lamb, don't give yourself a get out clause not to go

go

melika · 11/04/2013 08:25

It's great how you feel the need to 'ask' him if you can go out, but does he ask you? No is the answer, he probably announces that he is going out with the lads. Stand up and be counted, girl. It's your friend, say nicely that you are going and don't feel guilty about him looking after his own children, FGS! (Bad move is to ask him to look after someone elses).

Original poster
Lambzig · 11/04/2013 08:25

Travailtotravel, I am not so sure. I think if someone came on here and said. "DH wants to go out on his friends birthday in three months time. I said no because I am tired after looking after the kids all week. He said it was unfair and booked a ticket anyway. I am mad at him because he has been out twice in the last year already." They would get a bit of a kicking rather than a LTB.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lambzig · 11/04/2013 08:31

Well not so much of an ask as the invite came to both our phones at the same time. DH said it was a pity we couldn't go and I said "what if I went on my own".

Think you are right though, I will tell him tonight that I thought about it some more and really want to go, so got a ticket before they sell out, but lets think about what we can do to make the logistics work for him.

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 11/04/2013 08:38

it's not about wanting. it's about doing it and then leaving him no say or choice that would cause the resentment. from your last post it sounds like he left it up to you anyway and didn't actually say no.

rustybusty · 11/04/2013 10:06

They wouldnt get a kicking in that situation. Its 3 month time and if a wife said that I would think they were an extremely selfish person.

innermuddle · 11/04/2013 10:09

I would definitely go, but wouldn't offer him as babysitter for your friends children, that seems a bit cheeky

SolidGoldBrass · 11/04/2013 10:12

It sounds as though your H is accustomed to getting his own way by sighing, moaning and pity-posturing, and you've finally come up against something you really want to do. You nee to stand firm, as you are not his inferior/servant/mother and it's about time he put your needs and wishes ahead of his own just for once.

flaminhoopsaloolah · 11/04/2013 10:19

So...

DH goes out twice a month - Im guessing without you guilt tripping him...
You've been out in the past year twice....how did that go btw? Were you subjected to guilt tripping?
He doesnt want you to go to this because he will have been working all week and be tired ( unlesd you have a full time nanny, what does he think you've been doing?)
He begrudges you going for a haircut....

What else does he begrudge?