To think DH is being unfair?

[Lambzig]

My close friend is having a significant birthday. She is having a night out to an event with friends, followed by a party the next day for adults and children in the afternoon.

DH and I are invited to both, but as we have 2DC, aged 5 months and 3, it's not easy for us both to go. A babysitter won't work as it is in another town.

Obvs we will go to the day party, but I asked DH if he would mind if I went to the night out. I very rarely go out in the evening, twice in the last year, whereas he goes out with mates at least once a fortnight. I don't mind as I see friends in daytime and weekends.

DH says that if we both cant go, then neither of us should go. I think this is unfair as he has lots of nights out compared to me. Also, he is not bothered about not going. I just think he doesn't want to deal with the DC by himself as I would stay in other town with friends, so he would have them on his own overnight. AIBU?

[StuntGirl]

Lamb, go to the bloody party and just tell him that how its going to be. He absolutely can't complain; you're just being sort of brain washed by him into thinking you're being unreasonable for wanting to do so.

Don't enable his shitty behaviour by 'helping' to find babysitters for him etc. Leave him to it and go to the party.

[SqueezeMeBakingPowder]

Sorry, but what does he mean by 'he doesn't fancy doing all that after a long week at work?'

Does he mean putting his own children to bed then driving them the next day? Because if he does, what does he think happens when he goes out on his own (twice a MONTH not 5 times since the birth of your 2nd DC), and you're left to sort the children out after a busy week of sorting the house/kids/washing/ironing/cooking/activities etc? Does he think a fairy comes and does it? Or does he think that your week of work doesn't matter because he works earning the money?

[Khaleese]

Oh i had a similiar incident with my Dh, in the end i had a strop and said i was going end of conversation.

I went.

He will always be a selfish pig if you allow him to be. The alternative is he never goes out on his own again. That won't make for a happy relationship though.

[Snazzynewyear]

I also don't like the sound of the plan where you stay at your friend's. From what you've said, it means you will be doing all the childcare work - ie getting the kids into bed - before you go out, then will also be looking after them the next day pre party. Whereas if you just go on your own, he will need to take care of it, and I really think he should. When he goes out every fortnight, does he do the kids; bedtime first so that you just get to sit on the sofa? No, didn't think so.

It is only fair that you both get reasonable opportunities to go out and that you each take turns at doing bedtime, next day by yourselves if needsbe for that to happen. Doesn't sound as if he has ever really done that yet for you, so it's high time he started.

[worldgonecrazy]

If you're staying over at your friends why don't you suggest that he and your friend's husband stay in and babysit all the kids, so they can have pizza/beer/watch crappy movies. I have done this - the men had a good time doing boys stuff and the women had a great time partying.

YANBU to want a night out, he does sound rather selfish.

[Numberlock]

Numberlock, why the wrong decision to book a ticket.

I'm late coming back to this and can't believe you're still 'negotiating' with him...

I didn't mean it was a mistake to book the tickets, I meant it was a big mistake to try and organise some situation where you're treading on egg shells to fit round him.

For god's sake, just go and leave him to it. And make it the start of a regular thing. Fortnightly sounds fair to me...

lets think about what we can do to make the logistics work for him

[OHforDUCKScake]

Im totally with numberlocks on this one. Ive been a bit by the way th thread panned out.

[flaminghoopsaloohlah]

Why are you bending over backwards to accommodate? Does he do the same for you?

[OHforDUCKScake]

Doesnt sound like it flamingo if he goes out straight from work, not only does he not try and make it easy for her, she has to dinner and bed time by herself as well.

Its mightily unfair for you OP.

[flaminghoopsaloohlah]

DUCKS - it doesn't indeed...but didn't want to assume...

[Lambzig]

Sorry been out all afternoon. Yes he does always sigh and moan when I go out, asking "are you actually going?"or "I am not sure I am up to it tonight". I usually just ignore or laugh at him and go out anyway. He is normally ver generous of his time and attention, but its this one issue that somehow makes him behave weirdly.

Last time I went to get my hair done, when I came back he said "you have no idea how exhausting these two can be to look after for three hours by yourself". I think I snorted with derision at that one.

I guess he never has to do bath and bedtime by himself, but he does always do half, helping bath them and always puts DD to bed and reads story while I feed the baby, so don't know why he is so weird about it.

He was a bit weird about it before we had DC

I will just tell him very nicely that I am going to go as its definitely my turn for a night out.

[Lambzig]

Oh and you are right he does not do extra when he goes out as its usually straight from work.

[pictish]

Do so.

He is their father. You are not his mother.
He sounds pathetic.

[StuntGirl]

Good god. Then its time he learnt how to do bed and bath time all by himself isn't it?

Glad you're just going.

[kerala]

Agree he sounds a right weed.

I remember my first night out after DD2 was born came home to find both girls complete bedding and nightwear changed. Just as I had left they had both started vomiting all over everywhere DH had spent all evening clearing it up. They have never done this before or since. Quite funny I definitely picked the right night to go and drink wine with my friends . Our nights out pretty 50/50 now there is no interminable breastfeeding sessions stopping me doing anything.

[squoosh]

Ah, so he was funny about you going out alone before the kids came along? That's a whole different kettle of fish to him not wanting to deal with boisterous kids by himself.

[kerala]

Agree he sounds a right weed.

I remember my first night out after DD2 was born came home to find both girls complete bedding and nightwear changed. Just as I had left they had both started vomiting all over everywhere DH had spent all evening clearing it up. They have never done this before or since. Quite funny I definitely picked the right night to go and drink wine with my friends . Our nights out pretty 50/50 now there is no interminable breastfeeding sessions stopping me doing anything.

[Darkesteyes]

Im with Squoosh. He sounds controlling.

[flaminghoopsaloohlah]

He was like this before...so it's fine for him to go out but not you....anything else that's fine for him to do but not you?

[AnyFucker]

Ugh, what a childish outlook he has. Or he's a bit thick.

He's a parent, isn't he ?

What did he expect that to actually consist of ?

[pictish]

Leaving it to the wife, while he carried on as normal obviously.

[AnyFucker]

Indeed. Even before the children came along. OP, the red flags were there but you didn't heed them

It's not too late though, it's never too late to stand up for yourself

[wheredidiputit]

I think you need to be blunt with him. Don't pussyfoot around him.

Your going out to your friends birthday whether he likes it or not. And you are either start going out twice a month like him (not that you have to if you don't want to) or he only goes out 5/6 times in the next 3 years like you have.