Helping DP paying off old debt

[KittenCamile]

Hi

I found out last year that DP owes £30,000 to his parents. The loan was taken against his house.

This loan was taken when he was married, he has since devoirced and kept the house (which was his and in his name) and got all of the debt.

So his parents are now talking about starting payments again (they stopped when he split with his ex as he couldn't afford the morgage, rent on a flat for him. Matinance and that).

We have been together 2 yrs and lived together 1. DP has no money, his expenditures meet his income, because of this I am the one currently saving so we can start ttc, I pay for food ect. THis I don't mind as I veiw it as a House hold income and when we have DC's that's how it should be. He sold the house but it made no money so none of the debt was paid off.

So my question is, AIBU to want to know who's debt it is (DP EXW was decleared banKrupt before they married) and what is was for?

Iam going to be the one paying it back as DP can't afford any extra outgoings. To me this is just an unbeliveble amount of money and I feel sick just thinking about it.

Will it make it worse if I actually end up paying for the big wedding the couldn't afford or the child they couldn't afford?

I don't see any other way, if his parents want the money back and he has none it is going to fall to me

Sorry about spelling, I'm dyslexic and on my phone (not that spell check helps as all the words look the same to me!)

I'm sorry I missed the nt off! It should be shouldn't have a family.

If I'm going to be critisied for wanting a dc it should be my spelling not my bank balance that is critisised!

We works from home 2 days at the moment and will do 3 days when we have a dc. I work saturdays and he doesn't. Also I can change my job and be based where I live for a few years until DC would start school. DP does 3 pick ups and drop offs a week for his DD.

Our DC would do 1 day at childminders 9.30 till 5.30 at £42 a day. I have worked this out. Also I'm not pregnat so will have saved at least £10,000 for mat leave even if we get prgnant striaght away. I would need an income of £1500 a month to cover my half of bills and rent, plus food petrol and extras. My savings plus my work mat leave pay would more that cover this for a year.

Can you not see how this is all going to go horribly wrong?

Why on earth does he pay maintenance if he has the child 50%?
Why would his mum pay his ex £200 a month??
How will he look after your to-be-conceived baby at home (please do NOT have a child with this man-you will regret being financially tied to him) whilst he's supposed to be working? Apologies if I've misunderstood there?

Don't. Just don't.

Great, you have a plan, now imagine doing all of that with someone who isn't shit with money and doesn't already have a whopping great debt.

The debt is between him and his parents, not your responsibility, you are not even married. He needs to have a chat with them and explain his circumstances.

Regarding children, if you are happy to be the breadwinner for the next 25 years, have planned for that and understand that might really be what is going to happen, that's your choice.

You seem to think he can work at home and provide childcare at the same time. That's just not true. Those are two fully-absorbing and mutually exclusive activities (or his work is not real work).

If you don't believe me, borrow a teething one year old, or a stroppy two year old for a day and try it.

You can't work from home and look after a baby or toddler at the same time. Your plan needs to include either having a non working SAHP (or working a few hours you can fit around the baby's naps and bedtimes) or paying for childcare whilst you both work. I don't think anyone is slating you for intending to be the breadwinner but your plan is not realistic.

OP, do you know the original loan value and how much he paid off before his divorce? The answer to this will be a big indicator of his attitude to debt.

Also, wouldn't it be a good investment to use some of your savings to appoint a good solicitor to revisit the subject of maintenance with exW?

Personally I would rather hold off ttc for a few months while getting that arrangement on a better footing. She sounds like she's happy to take money off whoever she can so if she see's you with a new baby she might start her next plan of exploitation.

For the record, I don't begrudge any parent receiving a sensible amount of support, but this one seems to be taking more than her fair share.

If his DM is asking for the money to be repaid out of principle rather than necessity I doubt she will be happy about the advance inheritance route and nor would I be.

You sound financially astute and like someone who works and saves hard, does it not concern you throwing in your lot with someone with this history ?

Kitten, you're in such a good and independent place financially. Why are you going to chuck that all away? Seriously, I couldn't be with someone as dependent and irresponsible as your partner. And the business with his ex and his mother - just bizarre and very offputting.

You're obviously intelligent and educated with a good job and career in front of you and yet your're happy to settle for a bloke like this? I despair.

I agree Callisto but it love isnt it and I know I spent plenty of my life making mistakes because I was in love !

Hold on, Hold on.......

Is everyone missing the key information here.
They have been together two years, she only found out last year.
There is no transparency here, there is no honesty and quite frankly I do not believe for one minute that he has not accumulated more debt that he has stashed away.

Tell him the bank of KittyCam is closed, or better still tell him the Mumsnet Troika have refused to allow you to bank roll him.

So you are assuming that whoever is working at home that day can also look after baby/toddler ... sorry , think again . Allow at least 42 x 5 for childcare, more to allow for a 4 hour commute even assuming cm would do those hours. If work is so flexible why can't he get another job to work eves on his 2 days at home ?

Remember that when their dd was under 2 they had already got themselves into a mire and bought a house they couldn't afford without help and accrued serious debt. Then he didn't face up this to you until his parents brought it up a year into the relationship Are any alarm bells ringing yet ?

Do not have children with thism man. Huge mistake. Do not pay off his debts.

I work from home, my dcs are at school. I can't work with them here.

Wow I can't belive I have got upset over some people on tHe internet! Ok deep breath.

What will you all say on thead that gets started by the EXW saying 'evil step mum is taking my DD money'? Yes I agree that the matinance is too high but what can I do? If I spend my savings on DP going back to court to re negotiate I'm going to get a lot of abuse and DPs DD is going to miss out. Step mums are always the ememy!

With regards to child care, it is more thought out than it seems, I was rushing writing that post and its all a bit muddled. I appear to have missed out my Dsis, she is a sahm with her DCs at school. What we have planned is DP works from home 3 days (to do late drop offs and early pick ups, school hours) all 3 of those days DC would be at my Dsis during school hours. DP works in london 2 days with no drop offs or pick ups.

I would work 4 days a week. The 3 days DP works from home and a saturday (which he doesn't work) so DC would go to childminder on 1 day from 9.30 till 5.30 as I would work 10-5 on tHose days. I work 9- on the remainding 3 days.

DP would be doing a massive chunk of the child care and most of the pick ups and drop offs.

Why I feel I have to justify myself I don't know!

Yes the debt set up is strange and that is what I am posting about not whether my plan for any future DC lives up to everyones perfect life.

Still thank you for the useful and frank help

You cannot work from home and look after children at the same time It is absolutely not possible.

Your budget needs to allow for full-time childcare unless there are going to be days when one of you isn't working at all.

You really need to have a conversation with him DM along the lines of 'we have a nice life because I fund it, your son has no money with which to repay his debt to you unless he renegotiates his financial settlement with his ExW'.

"your son has no money with which to repay his debt to you unless he renegotiates his financial settlement with his ExW'."

Ali's way of putting this is smart.

It ties your partner's lack of solvency to his divorce settlement and leaves you the fuck out of it.

Which is exactly where you should stay until this financial basketcase is sorted.

He owes £30K, has no money to pay it off and is giving 30% of his income to his ex-wife.

That's hisproblem.

That he needs to sort without sponging off you.

Doesn't it bother you that he lied to you for a year about something so important?

x-posts. Pleased to see that the childcare is organised.

You feel you have to justify yourself because you know you are not being entirely sensible by entering into a relationship and parenthood with such an irresponsible man who kept such a big secret from you.

To me it sounds like the £30k was for exW, in that case, I would say this DM takes it up with the EXW, perhaps knocking it off the money she gives her each month..

Basically, your DP's finances are far to entangled with his parents, and far too out of control. It does sound like he has no control on them, even if he's not running up debts, he's paying maintenance even though he has his DD 50% of the time? Why? Can he explain that (not change it, but explain why he's agreed to that). He's allowed his DM to give maintenance to his ExW knowing that he and his ExW owe his mother £30k - again, you need to know why he borrowed the money and why he's happy for his mother to give that money to his exW.

But most of all, you need to get to the bottom of what MIL is doing in all this - it sounds like she is trying to force your DP to pay more maintenence to his exW - she is giving the money directly to ExW herself then asking for it back from your DP. she is being manipulative - she obviously thinks he should be paying more and is forcing your DP into doing that.

Your DP needs to grow up and sort out his finances, he seems rather passive and letting all the various woman in his life make arrrangements between themselves. A man who's this passive is generally like having another DC around, eventually, you'll snap. Think if you want to have DCs with him very carefully, you will be the one who has to always be 'the grown up' and sort things out. You will never be able to rely on a man like this.

Oh and others are right, you can't work from home and do childcare. It's fine for the first couple of months when they are newborns who just sleep and feed, but the only way to do it when they are toddlers is to stick on tv all day and do nothing, so basically you can only do it by being a crap parent who doesn't give their DC any stimulation or put any effort in. Really don't have DCs on the understanding you fully intend to be crap.

oh missed your comment about your dsis - ignore my last parragraph!

Is your sister happy to do the childcare without any pay for it? That's very nice of her if so, but it's also worth contingency planning for what you will do if, for instance, she decided to go back to work and you have to pay for 2/3 more days childcare.

Don't take the criticism too much to heart - it is your life. But some of the issues here are ringing alarm bells for people. I think the 'you need to walk away from this relationship' stuff is a bit strong, for instance! But it does sound like your whole financial set up would really benefit from being looked at and talked through in detail, so that you don't resent anything you're taking on further down the line.

Alibaba is right - you really need to have that conversation with his DM (and it shouldn't be down to you, really, but if you're considering taking on this debt then you need to have it)

There is NO WAY that you can work from home and look after young children at the same time - believe me! Like you, I thought it was possible and it is absolutely not.

I think you need to do some scenario planning e.g. what if you fall out with DSis? what if you are made redundant? what if you are forced to change to a role or dept that is less flexible or further away? What about when childcare fees go up? You cannot assume you will always have the job you have now. If he loses his job, what happens about the maintenance for his daughter? (and I'm sorry but £1k per month for half a 4yo is just crazy). These things can hit you like a brick if and when they occur if you don't have contingency. It sounds like he will be a busy man what with his job, a 4yo and a newborn to juggle.

Nobody is saying not to have a child, but I just don't think you can have your cake and eat it i.e. have a child AND pay off his enormous debt.

Personally I think you'd be mad to take on this debt - you should consider first and foremost your own security and that of your DC, not his ex-wife or parents and a debt you didn't run up. Put the money into a house deposit instead. It sounds very much like you could end up in a huge mess in a couple of years having been taken for a massive ride, and that would be tragic as you sound like you have your head screwed on. Like others on here I have my doubts that you are getting even half the story and it sounds like a very odd set-up which I would stay well clear of if I were you.

Just to say - it is not the debt itself that is the huge issue here. DH ran up significant debt at one point in our relationship, for a variety of reasons which I won't go into. Suffice to say that it was nearly breaking point in our relationship.

However - we were already married and owned a house, so we were finically linked, and we were parents. I couldn't have just walked away even if I had wanted to.
The difference is that once he had plucked up the courage to tell me what had happened, he saw it as entirely his problem to fix. We have total transparency of all accounts. And, crucially, there is no-one involved but him. No family, no ex-wife, no children - just him.

If he had been in that position when we were talking about marriage and children then I would have walked away without hesitation.

The ripples are still felt in our relationship, but things are good between us and we are now on a financially secure footing - but it hasn't been me making all the sacrifices to achieve that.

If your dp wanted to propose the solution that it gets taken off the estate he could argue it under the 7 year gift rule ie if 7 years elapse between gift and death then it is exempt from being included for Inheritance Tax purposes. Although given that both parents are alive it isn't likely to prove a benefit if one inherits from the other first. Does he have siblings , if so could they have asked questions about whether it had been repaid ?

I do wonder if you are overegging the WFH/office flexibility and how much Maternity Pay you'd be entitled to. Remember company policies can change all the time.

You seem determined to procreate with this financial disaster on two legs. Go for it! The relationship boards are full of people who were not sensible and pay for it.