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AIBU to think I should be able to discuss my birth w/o being called a show-off?

53 replies

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:03

Hey, I'm a first time poster.

I've just joined a few mother and baby groups after having my DD 9 weeks ago because I'm going stir-crazy at home. Most have turned out well, but I had a bad experience at one and probably won't be going back.

I'm pretty sensitive about my birth still, although I realize I am pretty lucky at the same time (I had planned to have a hospital birth but ended up with an unplanned home birth because my DD decided to come extremely quickly, basically I started bleeding, walked downstairs my waters went and four minutes later she was delivered by my DM before we had time to phone an ambulance.) It was pretty scary because there was no-one with medical training there to help me, I was worried that my DD could be hurt, I didn't get to hold her properly until we were at the hospital because I was in shock, I ended up getting two 1st degree tears stitched without enough local anesthetic and I was hysterical because I have a pretty severe phobia of needles.

We were all sat around discussing our births because one of the women was due any day, they were being quite competitive, 'Oh, I had an emergency c-section,' and 'I was in labor for 29 hours' if you get what I mean. I mentioned mine and one of the ladies told me that 'no-one likes a show-off' in a jokey/serious kind of way. I explained that I knew I was lucky it was so quick but it wasn't the best experience because of the reasons above and was accused of being silly and asked why I got pregnant if I was scared of needles.

I'm pissed with myself too because usually I'd be the first to tell them to take a long walk off of a short pier, but instead I kept shtum. AIBU?

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DeepRedBetty · 10/04/2013 17:07

yanbu, but that's the thing about mother and baby groups - some are nice, some are nasty, some are mostly nice but contain a couple of infuriating queen bee cahs. Just keep going to the nice ones and leave the bitchy ones to stew in their own juices.

And congrats on your dd after such a traumatic start!

TigerSwallowtail · 10/04/2013 17:08

Yanbu, and your birth sounds terrifying, you must have been so scared. Those women sound quite mean, I'd avoid them too if I were you.

Congratulation on your little one Smile

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:10

Yeah, it doesn't help that I look about 12, which I think gets a lot of people's backs up straight away Sad. I definitely won't be going back, I felt really sorry for the woman who was due, to be honest, the last thing you want to hear is a bunch of horror stories.

But thanks for the congrats!

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TimeIsACurrency · 10/04/2013 17:11

She was a knob. Don't let it get you down. Just stick to the nice groups. And congratulations! Smile

Cherriesarelovely · 10/04/2013 17:11

Yanbu but it shows that many people are sensitive about their birth experiences. Hope you are healing well and enjoying your lovely Dd.

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:11

Ugh, read my post back, I hope it doesn't look like I'm trying to brag about how awful it was!

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digerd · 10/04/2013 17:12

If it was just the one woman - can't call her a lady- who scorned and scoffed at your fear of needles and your decision to have a baby, I'd give the group another try.
It does depend on her tone of voice, but I wouldn't like it unless her tone of voice was a concerned one for you and how brave you were?

YANBU to feel offended at all.

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:14

One woman told me no-one likes a show-off, she did it in a 'I'm being serious but I'll say it in a jokey way so I don't sound like a cow' kind of way. The other comments came from different women, so, yeah, probably better not to go back.

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MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2013 17:14

It's hard. No one can know how your birth felt except you. I remember a baby group where one woman and I were discussing our births. We had literally the same story. Only difference was that she had PTSD and was really messed up and I wasn't.

If you want to, give them a chance. If not, walk away. I had to dump one baby group. Bunch of cliquey arseholes. I stole the best two people and buggered off. And, I'm 40 and look it Smile

Flobbadobs · 10/04/2013 17:15

Ah competitive birthing Grin
Bugger all showing off in your story, it sounds terrifying! Congratulations on your baby, find a good group to suit you both and avoid this one.
Fwiw, I don't like needles, had an amnio lt time, almost wet myself when I saw the size of it. And I'm rh neg so being jabbed in the arm comes with the territory, not sure why a fear of needles should stop anyone having a baby tbh Confused

TaurielTest · 10/04/2013 17:16

The first remark about being a show off might have been jokey - but going on as she did (was that all the same woman?) was really mean.
Good time for the classic MN response "Did you mean to be so rude?" I'd say...

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 10/04/2013 17:16

Yanbu at all, I can't stand people who are like that either.

I remember with ds I was sitting on the ward with 4 other women, we were all eating our lunch and they started this 'my placenta broke into two bits I nearly died', 'oh really, you are so lucky, my placenta broke into 10 bits and I died twice', 'oh my God I wish I only died twice, my doctor said mine was the most traumatic birth in all the world' crap.

Either tell them to fuck off, or make up some really ultra smug birth story to deliberatly piss them off (I would do the latter)

Congrats on your dd Flowers

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 10/04/2013 17:17

Tbh I would say that kind of thing. If everyone was sat around comparing birth stories I would say "no one likes a show of" in a jokey way.

It would be may say of saying "well you clearly win the worst birth story then." As you don't know the people very well I would just assume she meant no offence and just has an odd sense of humour.

If she's still making you uncomfortable next time you see her then she's best avoided.

MolotovCocktail · 10/04/2013 17:18

At 9 weeks post-partum, it's still very early days. They don't sound like a post-natal group I'd like to be part of, so you're better off finding a new group, I think (there are lots of lovely mums out there :) )

Anyway, I was chatting to a much older friend of mine (she's 60 now) about 4 years ago, after my dd1 was born. I'd had an incredibly long labour, episiotomy and ventouse delivery with her, whereas my friend had laboured and delivered in just 4 hours. I said something like to her "you're so lucky! I wish mine had been like that!" And she just said "I wasn't lucky. I was terrified. It all happened so fast that I went into shock. And the less said about the way I tore, the better".

I've had a different perspective ever since. A fast labour doesn't mean an easier time. So, yeah, fuck'em and their narrow minds!

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:19

Flobbadobs, yeah, needles where the last thing on my mind when I was getting pregnant. Grin

Puddock, I'll remember that one for the future. Grin

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glenthebattleostrich · 10/04/2013 17:19

She was a bitch. I really don't understand why some women feel the need to be competative about births, as long as you both survive and are healthy that is all that matters. One bitch woman had a friend of mine in tears because my friend had to have an emergency c-section. Apparently she didn't try hard enough to have a natural birth!

And as for the why get pregnant if you are scared of needles, I got that one. I pointed out that I wasn't planning on giving birth to a hypodermic needle (I waver between passive agressive and downright agressive depending on mood!)

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:23

Molotov, yeah, I get the 'you're so lucky' a lot. I don't think most women do understand that sometimes fast isn't better.

Agreed about the needle, Glen. Grin

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GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 17:23

Sorry if I'm not replying to everyone!

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Vilt · 10/04/2013 18:21

All my labours were very fast and dd2 was born at home before any medical help arrived. I also found it terrifying. And I also have had all the, oh lucky you, comments. I didn't feel lucky. I felt very traumatised. Just sending my sympathy I guess. And YANBU x

bumperella · 10/04/2013 18:23

I can't really imagine how scary it would be to give birth at home without medical help, esp for your first. As my obstretrician freind said to me " it's usually quite fun getting them in there, but can be hell getting them out again."

I had a planned CS under GA (initially signed up for a home birth, but CS and no spinal/epidural became a medical necessity) and it was a truely awful experience that i could easily cry about now, 2 years on. But people still come out with the same "lucky you"/"too posh to push" type crap. I'd say that the womans' comments were not about you, or about your experience, but entirely about what a bitch she is.

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 18:26

Vilt, thanks, it's nice to know you're not the only one. Smile

Bumperella, I can't believe people would actually say you're lucky or too posh to push, so insensitive.

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DireRear · 10/04/2013 18:27

Don't get pregnant if you don't like needles? Confused

Did you check with her what other phobias were acceptable? Spiders? Heights?

What a freakazoid. Ignore! And congrats on mini-GAMS.

specialsubject · 10/04/2013 18:32

what a boring way to spend time! The birth is done for most of you, and I can't imagine the still-pregnant woman would want to hear war stories.

sounds like you should find a mother and baby group where they have something else to talk about?

GruffaloAteMySocks · 10/04/2013 18:35

Grin @ DireRead, I should have asked her.

Good idea Special.

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MiaowTheCat · 10/04/2013 18:44

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