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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can I get out of this without being unreasonable?

64 replies

HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 12:21

Going away at the weekend with friends and our toddlers.

I'm really looking forward to it and can't wait, except 1 of the friends has emailed and suggested we could meet up nearby to where I live (as it's en-route for her) and then travel in one car to share petrol costs and because I think she's not feeling very confident about driving on her own as she's not driven for a while (its a 2.5hr journey).

I really don't fancy it, I admit, for what are sort of selfish reasons;

I'm a disorganised person and work full time, so was planning on just pottering on Fri am and packing throwing mine and DD's stuff in the car and setting off when I fancied (obviously I'd need to arrange a time if we were to meet and get into one car)

My 2.3yr DD is likely, left to own devices, to nod off on long car journey, making it nice peaceful 'me' time to listen to radio. I've no idea how friends 1.8yr old DD will be on long journey and I think it will stress me out. It feels like a responsibility to be driving with someone else's child in back of car and again.

We're spending 3 full days and nights together, I feel at the end of the holiday, I'd like to be 'flexible' in when I return and what I do and again, not have to factor someone else into the equation.

I may pass somewhere on the journey that I'd like to stop at, I'd just like to have the me time and only be responsible for me and my dd.

Am I being mean and unreasonable to try and come up with a reason why I don't fancy car sharing? Or should I just accept I'm being unreasonable, and be gracious and offer friend to come in our car (she has offered to drive too- but for all above reasons and fact I'm an awful passenger that would 'stress me out' even more')

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 14:45

LadyV I am now leaning towards sucking it for sake of friend possibly because last few posters have tipped me this way.

Perhaps I'm being unreasonable, but I always feel I end up doing something to make someone else's life 'easier' and then mine ends up stressful.. as I say, I really don't want to commit to a time to leave home at (and hence meet her at) no idea where she could park and leave her car for 3 days at the place she's suggesting we meet up. I don't mean it to sound cornflake that it is just that I can't plan in advance, I also would like to see what sort of mood / time etc works around my 2.3yr old dd to make it pleasant for me too... having another toddler in car could be dream but could also just mean that we've 2 grumpy / unhappy toddlers which as I say would stress me out when driving, my own I can cope with endless supply of raisins and biscuits and would stop etc, but someone else's might be harder?

My angst levels might also be high as I know friend has always sat in back of car with her dd whenever I've seen her with her partner driving - to entertain/reassure/calm her - hence not driving herself. I'd feel really uncomfortable if she insisted on doing this squashed in between 2 car seats and my dd who has never, ever had me or dh sitting next to her on a long journey and happily chats away and 'entertains' herself or as said previously with any luck sleeps.

OP posts:
UC · 10/04/2013 14:48

I'd go for the honest reply, and say you would rather just go on your own. Don't make up a total lie about seeing anyone else. I'd say that although it may sound weird, I was looking forward to the quiet time on my own, and that I was thinking of stopping off if I fancied on the way home. Tell her the truth.

If you say something wishy washy about not wanting her to be reliant on your timings, she'll just say she's happy to just fit in with you. What will you say then? Then you'll then have to think of something else.

MrsMangelFanciedPaulRobinson · 10/04/2013 14:49

I used to feel too that I always ended up being inconvenienced as I always got roped into doing things to make others' lives easier; dropping other people kids at school, giving lifts to people, babysitting, etc. However in recent years I've really got into the habit of saying no, and it is very liberating.

I honestly think you will end up resenting your friend all weekend if you ignore your own needs and go along with what she is requesting.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 14:54

haha, yes I did think that if I did try and lie it would come out all waffle and glad to know I'm not the only one that this happens too.

Good points about the 'white lie' - noted, it would be natural to say 'well I'll fit in around you'

Convoy now definitely off my list - I could meet her somewhere nearer the place and see how she's getting on ?

I love maps / can do directions well and confident driver perhaps I could send her (not sure I've enough time) some really good directions - suggestions of things that work for me like post it notes to put on dashboard, laminates.. ok, now I'm running away with 'guilty' ideas, purely because I just enjoy the time in car on my own, lack of responsibility for others and flexibility - all very important to me.

OP posts:
shellbu · 10/04/2013 14:55

say you dont feel confident driving all that way with passengers and you wanted your daughter to sleep on the journey , too many excuses will look obvious , as mrs mangel said you dont want to end up resenting your friend and dreading the drive home .

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:00

MrsMangel, You've hit nail on head, I was secretly so relieved at beginning of this thread as I did feel exactly like that that I had justification to feel liberated from doing something, now there's a few more swaying me to go with it, I suddenly felt un-liberated in the thoughts.

I think you are right too, if I loathed feeling rushed and stressed out on journey down, I'd be thinking of journey home and could feel grumpy nearer that time which I would hate to feel.

I'm always considerate at my detriment. I'm really looking forward to just pottering and ambling along at own pace, I know I'm going to find some of the weekend challenging, not in a bad way, but just that 'sole' responsibilty for me and dd (used to having dh to share with and give me a break!) and don't want 2 more people to 'feel' in anyway responsible for!

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:02

shelbu liking it, that's striking a chord to say I wouldn't feel confident..

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WhizzforAtomms · 10/04/2013 15:03

You need a good white lie which doesn't give her the option of being flexible and working around it.

Much kinder to tell a white lie which she'll just accept than tell the truth and have her possibly thinking (a) you don't like spending time with her or (b) you're selfish and unreasonable...

YANBU btw!

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:03

umm, slightly contradictory, am confident driver on my own, but with passengers one does always feel more nervous don't they ?

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WhizzforAtomms · 10/04/2013 15:08

How about -

"Sorry car sharing won't work - I have arranged to stop off at my mum's/ dear aunt's/friend or whatever's [delete as appropriate] and won't have room with all our gear also. Looking forward to seeing you both when we get there!"

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:10

I tried drafting the 'I'm not confident' and it did sound lame despite thinking honesty was best policy, as Whizz says, now I need a good white lie going to be then ?? Help!!

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Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:13

Ahh thanks Whizz, yes, I like the stopping off..though saying that - again, I feel she's a good enough friend that she'd be welcome to visit X with me, I'd feel it was a cop out if someone said it to me.

I did think as someone else suggested it, the gear stuff is a slight issue as she knows I do actually have big car which realistically should have plenty of boot space for all the things - though saying that - 2 buggies in a boot ? they'd be no room in car with 2 car seats I assume

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OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2013 15:19

I would apologise and say if only you had known sooner but you are stopping off at a friends on Monday night as you are already passing.

WhizzforAtomms · 10/04/2013 15:26

make it "...stop off for a couple of hours..." and add "and might be staying overnight in XXX on the way back". Once you're away you can always say you've changed your plans about the staying overnight bit. Even if she is a really good friend, there might be something personal you're seeing aunty whoever about making it inappropriate to invite her...

MimiSunshine · 10/04/2013 15:35

Ok. It?s not UR to want time in the car to yourself and set your own agenda. I don?t car share my very long commute to work because I value that time to myself and having the freedom to arrive / leave at the time I want to. Even though others think I?m mad not to split the cost of petrol, the idea of having to accommodate someone else?s schedule makes me feel trapped and even with the closest of friends I wouldn?t feel like I could drive / sit in silence as I?d feel rude, but making small talk is exhausting.

You don?t need to lie, you?re friend asked for a favour of sorts which she thought might benefit you in terms of saving money but essentially it?s a journey you had already committed to so the percentage of benefit is in her favour as she would like to do the journey but with company, lets say it?s a ratio of 2:1 in her favour (saving money and company / reassurance).
But you could argue that this cancels out your benefit as you were doing the journey anyway but now will have company which you didn?t want. Sometimes in life you can put yourself first and not do a favour for a friend that leaves you worse off.

So just email her back and say, you?re really sorry but you prefer drive on your own as you find it stressful to make set arrangements which may not suit on the day in terms of getting ready to leave and your DD so you were planning on just seeing how things go and setting off when you feel like it rather than a set schedule. She may not like it but you don?t have to do everything just because someone has asked you to.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:40

ok.. her goes.

Really sorry, don't think this will work as my plans are all over the place.. I'm helping my sister out with childcare in the morning so heading there silly'o'cock and she's not sure what time she's back from her meeting so not sure what time we'll be heading off and I've arranged to stop and then I'm planning on coming back via my folks house.

What time are you thinking of setting off ? Perhaps if we're on the same route / same time, we can arrange a pit stop ? Check directions etc together ? I've looked at map / directions, it seems quite straightforward, but happy to try meet up if you're anxious ?

too many white lies ?

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OhTheConfusion · 10/04/2013 15:44

I really hope she isn't a mumsnetter Confused.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2013 15:46

silly o'cock typo? Grin

A little flustered but cheery.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:49

x-posted Mimi, reassured to know I'm one of quite a few that feels it is nice to not feel 'trapped' in this way in a car and enjoy journeys on my own.

I hope she's not worried about the petrol costs, that hadn't occurred to me, I don't splash cash at all possibly for a shorter drive and if it was less nights away together I would think of this as a saving worth making, I know I'd rather swallow the costs - I often find in these situations I end up feeling awkward saying 'oh that will be £20' for petrol too and always end up saying 'don't worry' or mutter something to those effects.

I hadn't realised how easily persuaded I could be! Apologies all reading - one minute I'm all about white lies, now I'm all about truth. I think truth just sounds so unreasonable / selfish, it's just not me if that makes sense? I'd feel like I'm being a cow when I know (thanks to majority on here saying I'm not being!) I'm not!

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DeepRedBetty · 10/04/2013 15:52

Well I quite like the draft at 15.40:59.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 15:56

opps to the typo!!!

I wish I didn't get flustered by such requests so easily and could just do the confident / honest / I don't want to do this approach.. I spend my week rushing round, dropping dd off at childcare, rushing home etc, I'd like to just start my holiday off at a leisurely pace without having commitments to others and someone else's potentially niggling toddler in the back of my car. And, I'd also like to be able to leave the holiday at my own pace and at own timings that suit me and dd.

OhTheConfusion I don't think she's on Mumsnet and to be fair, I've not said anything I wouldn't say to her in RL it's certainly not meant to be bitchy or nasty or horrible in anyway, just asking opinions and views on what other's would do.. I forgot there was a topic (or am I imagining it) what would you do, perhaps I should have posted there.

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claudedebussy · 10/04/2013 16:01

hi x,

thanks for the suggestion but i'm afraid it won't work for me. i'd like to be flexible on the journey and also don't feel confident having passengers.

i'll see you when we get there. so looking forward!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 10/04/2013 16:03

Marvels at claudedebussy's brevity. Simples!

WhizzforAtomms · 10/04/2013 16:08

Really sorry, this won't work as my plans are all over the place... See you at the weekend.

Neither lies nor too much truth either - minimal explanation and a clear no.

Original poster
HappyJoyful · 10/04/2013 16:11

I'd love to be a woman of such simplicity and have the ability to pull some sort of one liner like that off claude but, clearly you can tell from all my long winded waffling posts, she'd so know that was 'not me' and she'd think I was being rude and/or offensive which isn't what I want to be.

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