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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my name on the house papers ...

100 replies

Kione · 09/04/2013 22:04

if I contribute to paying the mortgage?
This hasn't been an argument as such, but wonder what everyone else thinks.
So when DP bought the house we live in we had been together for a while, I was pregnant and made redundant. So for the first 2++ years of DD life I used my redundancy money to live and pay for DD stuff and DP paid mortgage and some bills. I own the phone rental not to have arguments about using it too much.
Now I have a good job and could start paying mortgage too, but I want my name to be in the house papers. DP for some reason feel.uneasy about it so hasnt asked me for payments. He told me he has sorted the insurance so if he dies the house will be paid off and will pass to me. Before this it was going to pass direct to DD...
I have a feeling that he doesnt want to put my name on it in case we split up which makes me a bit sad...
I just dont know where to go from here, I have brought up the subject and he says yes, but then nothing its done about it.
What do people do?

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 09/04/2013 22:41

He doesn't trust you 100%. Why would he think you would take your daughter away from his family if he died?

CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 22:42

So you have recently had reason to call off marriage plans with this man, and he has paid all of the deposit, all of the mortgage payments and pretty much all of the bills?

I would leave him to protect his asset, as is fair when it has all been his contribution, and concentrate on saving or investing money for yourself separately.

If your relationship really is getting back on track, then get married and pool your assets at that time. But for now, concentrate on protecting yourself without needing to take anything that is his.

LessMissAbs · 09/04/2013 22:42

So for the first 2++ years of DD life I used my redundancy money to live and pay for DD stuff and DP paid mortgage and some bills

We where going to get married but I cancelled the plans only recently. Things back on track mow. He paid all the deposit and pays all bills except phone

I'm afraid if it were my house, and I'd paid the deposit and the first two years of the mortgage and many of the bills, you wouldn't be getting your name on the title deeds either. Different if you had paid half for six months or so and had proved reliable at doing so.

Why not just buy your own property and rent it out to cover the mortgage?

I just remembered I actually signed a legal document stating that I would live in the house but had no rights to it sad . And that is when I told him I wasnt going to.pay a penny for it

So you're not actually doing badly out of the situation.

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:43

cozie I was talking preparing the wedding wasnt romantic not the rest Hmm
He is a shy person and did nit want to get married I kind of pushed rhings a but and then gave up as it was such a chore for him. I expected to be happy and excited about getting married and it wasnt the case. We are not in shaky ground...
Neither if us are religious or traditional.

OP posts:
RoseandVioletCreams · 09/04/2013 22:46

I find it rather back to front that you have borne this mans child but apparently have no right to a shared interest in the house if you should break up because you did not put a deposit down on it.

Yet his issue has emitted from your loins.

Confused
Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:47

I only ask for my name to be on it from the moment I start paying mortgage. Not for any other reason.
Maybe I am doing well out if it? Well.he has never given me money and on those first years I cooked, cleaned and cared for DD. Dont get me wrong, I loved it but its not like I was.living off him...

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 22:48

Giving birth to someone's child does not give you rights to their assets Rose.

OTTMummA · 09/04/2013 22:49

He doesn't trust you.
Tbh, I don't think I would either, you should just enjoy living rent free and maybe save a big deposit for when this relationship falls apart < which doesn't sound far off>

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:50

sorry the spelling I am on a touch phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:50

Thanks OTT.

OP posts:
RoseandVioletCreams · 09/04/2013 22:51

Unless she goes off with another man, I would consider it this mans moral duty to make the mother of his child and his child feel safe and secure for the future. How he does this is their business.

But I find it morally repugnant when the mother of a mans child speaks like op when they are all living together in a supposed " family".

HollyBerryBush · 09/04/2013 22:52

Well that's an age old argument.

FWIW my dearest old friends - now in their 80's - always had joint house deeds. When it became apparent she had altzheimers it was immediately switch to tenants in common to prevent any sale for nursing home fees, should the need arise, to ensure that there would be at least a 50% portion for their daughter to inherit.

I have advised my boys, who are hopefully at least 10 years off even thinking about getting married, to protect themselves from having their assets taken from them.

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:55

Holly, so you think I should pay part of the mortgage withought having my name on it? like paying rent to DP? I find that rather sad... as I said I am saving the money until.we come to an agreement, because I see it as my contribution to the household. It just not put anywhere useful yet, just sitting in mt bank account.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 22:56

I disagree that a man has a moral duty to make the mother of his child feel secure by effectively giving away half of the rights to his house. He has provided them with a home so it's not like he is completely shirking his responsibility.

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:57

Tenants in common.is fine by me. Something that proves where my part of the money is going. Thats all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 22:58

I am not asking for half of the house!! basically my money back if we split!! not more, no less

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 23:00

If all you want is the money you put in if you split, then you may as well just let him keep paying the mortgage and you keep your money in savings. The outcome would be the same if you split up, with a lot less hassle.

OTTMummA · 09/04/2013 23:01

I would just keep things separate until you are married.
I don't think you should pay rent if he isn't asking for it, and I think you should protect yourself and have as much independence as possible.
But,,, there is something in your posts that doesn't sit right with me and it's clear he doesn't trust you at the moment.
He has done a good thing by making sure your DD is provided for in his will, I would just keep saving and not talk about it again unless things change.

HollyBerryBush · 09/04/2013 23:02

Your financial affairs are your business, however, if you are earning you should be contributing equally - I never have understood the my money/his money thing when it comes to the day to day running of the house hold. be it mortgage or rent, it all comes under the running of the household.

Out of curiosity - not obliged to answer of course - a house deposit these days is a very large sum of money - was gained through sale of his previous property (before you two started to cohabit), an in heritance, or sheer determined hard saving?

Your posts do come across as just wanting to get your hands on his financial assets. I still think the post you made that sticks out most is his worry that if he dies, you'll gather up all the money and do a bunk back to your homeland and cut ties with his family. Why would he think that?

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 23:02

Yes but if we dont split up, because honestly the bump.is over, the mortgage will be paid off quicker if I contribute to it. We will be debt free sooner.

OP posts:
BruthasTortoise · 09/04/2013 23:03

"So you have recently had reason to call off marriage plans with this man, and he has paid all of the deposit, all of the mortgage payments and pretty much all of the bills?

I would leave him to protect his asset, as is fair when it has all been his contribution, and concentrate on saving or investing money for yourself separately."

The OP has, from my understanding, contributed in that she has been paying all their child's expenses plus taking care of their child, enabling her DP to work and pay the mortgage, etc. So in the interest of fairness should they not then be calculating what 50% of those costs would be and offsetting it against the amount the DP has paid into the household?

Original poster
Kione · 09/04/2013 23:07

Holly, he saved up for deposit.
I would be tempted to go back because all my family and friends are in another country. I cant say I wouldnt do it if it happens I think I could do with their support uf DP dies? Sad
But its nit so far away anyway... we could come and go. My family is well off, they could help and I have a well paid job. I find it insulting that you think I wanr my hands in his assets.

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 23:08

If the mortgage will be paid off quicker of you contribute, you could always keep your money in savings and then if you get married, pay a lump sum of the mortgage at the time.

CloudsAndTrees · 09/04/2013 23:12

So in the interest of fairness should they not then be calculating what 50% of those costs would be and offsetting it against the amount the DP has paid into the household?

They could calculate the total cost of what it cost to have a baby and one do them out of work, including the housing cost, bills, living expenses and everything for their child and work out if they contributed equally to that time. But that seems a bit extreme. At the same time as OP was caring for their child and paying for her, her partner was paying for their home. You can't add up what OP spent during that time and count it as a contribution without doing the same for him.

BruthasTortoise · 09/04/2013 23:17

But in terms of financial contribution and assets that seems like the only fair way. The financial contribution of the DP is obvious and he has an asset to show for it, the house, from which the OP is not entitled to a share should anything happen. The OP's financial contribution, maintaining and caring for their child, does not leave a physical asset but could, depending on the size of the mortgage and how much their bills are, be equal to the DPs contribution.