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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's not boys being boys

56 replies

ParadiseChick · 09/04/2013 18:34

It's thugs being thugs!

Ds is 7. Was at my dad's yesterday with his two cousins (dad's wife's sons boys, cousins for all intent and purposes I'm guessing)

There two are 6 and 11 and 'play fight' all the time which I can't abide.

I wasn't there yesterday, dad had ds for a couple of hours after school whilst I was at work. Step bro popped in with his boys. The oldest one grabbed my son round the neck, started to initiate this toy fighting. Ds tried to get him off. In step bros words 'I could see what was going on but thought I'd leave them to it, see what panned out '

What panned out was the other brother getting involved, and 'pretending' to strangle ds, tripping him up and grappling.

I don't think ds knew what to do. He wasn't seriously hurt, from what I can gather step bro stopped his sons quite quickly. Whatever went on obviously he felt he better mention it to me so told me. He finished his sorry tale with 'its just boys being boys though isn't it' to which I replied no, it's thugs being thugs and set of home.

I'm livid, feel so bad for ds. He isn't that bothered, seems to realise they play rough.

Aibu?

Is rough and tumble to be expected? My ds is like a gentle giant, wouldn't initiate fighting play at all and seemed not to know how to respond.

OP posts:

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 09/04/2013 19:14

Erm, that should say girls, not IRS!

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/04/2013 19:14

Agree with that Chandon

Passthesaltdear · 09/04/2013 19:15

There is a book called Bringing up Boys which says that play fighting is really important for boys social development and should not be completely banned and the same goes for war and gun games

whiteandyellowiris · 09/04/2013 19:16

imo parents say this when their ds is out of control and to almost embaress other parents if their child is not a thug
ie saying all boys scrap, and if yours doesnt hes the one thats not normal

hate idiotic sayings like this

and the equally shitty comments about girls

cakeandcustard · 09/04/2013 19:20

I'd second that playfighting is good for boys, socially it helps them to learn boundaries. It is not acceptable if the other person doesn't want to participate or gets hurt.

Other than that it is just rough and tumble, I wouldn't want to bring up a boy who got too precious about physical play.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 09/04/2013 19:23

He's far from precious, just a bit bewildered to be ambushed by his cousins, grabbed round the neck and dragged to the ground.

If not behaving like this makes him precious or whatever then so be it.

OP posts:

MissBetseyTrotwood · 09/04/2013 19:24

I wouldn't want to bring up a boy who got too precious about physical play

Why? There are plenty of other ways to be 'physical' that aren't play fighting. Would you feel the same way about a girl who didn't like it?

cakeandcustard · 09/04/2013 19:27

No, I'm a girl and I liked wrestling with my brother ...

half my point was that its fine if he's a willing participant and no one gets hurt. The situation the OP describes sounds like bullying behaviour not 'boys will be boys' type physical play.

AnnoyingOrange · 09/04/2013 19:27

My boys sont really play fight. But they do play football a lot which can get quite physical

And they play shoot em up games on consoles

SarahAndFuck · 09/04/2013 19:30

What did you mean by the eldest has a 'Sleekit Streak' OP?

OHforDUCKScake · 09/04/2013 19:31

YANBU!

I have sons with the same age difference, maybe they will wrestle a bit when they are older (although I highly doubt it, the oldest just isnt like that) but no way would me or the kids Dad allow them to bully/attack another child!

Totally OOO.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 09/04/2013 19:33

No, it's not boys being boys - hate that phrase being used to excuse bad behaviour (have 3 boys). But 'thugs' is a massive generalisation about play fighting, and not very nice. My DSs (7, 5 and 2) play fight quite a bit at home, and very imaginatively (super-heroes). They are not thugs.

HollyBerryBush · 09/04/2013 19:33

Thank you poppadum I was making a point, not delivering a lecture on anthropology, although if you want to split hairs, there are still tribes picking the fleas from each other and squatting on the forest floor.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 19:35

Ive got 3 boys and sometimes they have 'play fought'

I wouldn't say it is a boy thing, more of a sibling thing.

One of my boys was always a bit less physical [the eldest] and when he first started school struggled with his male peers due to this sort of thing.

I did initially feel the rage about it and want to leap to his defence, but I realised that he had to learn to stand up for himself, not necessarily join in, but to be able to assert himself enough to say 'no' or 'stop/go away' etc.

My younger son found it easier, I think partly due to having an older sibling and by then cousins, so was used to it and knew how to handle it.

My youngest has autism and has his own way of dealing with unwanted physical attention! but thats a different story.

Wolfiefan · 09/04/2013 19:37

I hate the boys will be boys excuse. Chase, run, squirt water pistols and play laser tag. All fine. But I see primary school kids coming out and kicking and hitting each other. IMO that is simply not playing. Rolling around on the floor? Avoid dog pooh outside and ornaments inside! There is a difference between playing and fighting.

BackforGood · 09/04/2013 19:37

but some boys are like puppy dogs. My four need lots of exercise and good food like puppys as they just seem pumped full of energy. Sometimes they do roll and tumble around but are laughing. There is a difference between this sort of 'fighting' and real aggressive hurting.

This ^^ and what AngryGnome said, and lots of others.

"Thugs" is a ridiculous term to be using. Lots of people play fight / rough and tumble / use physical play - including my dds to be honest. It's more likely, and often more needed for boys, but it's not exclusive to them. It is however a very normal and natural part of growing up, and the learning is in finding out when to do it, when not to, and when to stop... when the 'fun' becomes 'not fun'.
Presumably your step brother didn't realise your ds wasn't used to larking about (doesn't he / hasn't he done that with you or his Dad ? - tickle fights and general horseplay ), but was cautious enough to keep a close eye and to mention it to you afterwards.

ImaHexGirl · 09/04/2013 19:38

I do compare DS5 to being like a Labrador puppy in that he has lots of energy, thinks with his stomach, needs lots of exercise and is very cute and cuddly BUT comparing to him to a daft puppy does not mean bad behaviour passed off as typical boy behaviour is acceptable and just like a responsible dog owner my son is well trained and knows what behaviours are acceptable.

I do like a bit of rough and tumble play with DS but it is usually of the tickling variety/ hanging upside down/ swinging/ throwing on to beds etc type of rough play. We might do a bit of playfighting but it is always made clear what is or is not acceptable. He doesn't tend to enter into rough play with school friends though and is in fact very cautious about it and often retreating from it. We have had issues with this at school as its become apparent that what other boys think is okay rough play has in fact upset DS. It's a really hard balance as its clear that the other boys aren't being malicious but perhaps just have different levels of what is acceptable at home.

rustybusty · 09/04/2013 19:41

Everyone with siblings did this. I dont know anyone male or female with a sibling that didnt fight like this. Its pretty normal, but yeah can get out of hand and should be reined in. They will only end up doing it when your not looking though.

5madthings · 09/04/2013 19:42

'Boys are like puppy dogs' no children can be like puppy dogs and need lots of exercise, hardly surprising when so many are driven everywhere for one thing. Most children need to run around and play and girls and boys can enjoy a bit if rough and tumble but they need boundaries and grabbing round the neck is a no no.

Boys will be boys is often used as an excuse for bad behavior.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 09/04/2013 19:43

Yes (why the face?!) he does do horse play with us, he also does karate. He understands, just doesn't engage with other kids spontaneously.

OP posts:

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 09/04/2013 19:44

Between siblings, maybe normal - he's not a sibling to these two is he?

OP posts:

ModreB · 09/04/2013 19:46

I have 3 sons. Boys that are respectful, gentle with other children who are not used to rough-housing, polite and who play rugby, football and other sports ruthlessly with other boys who want to be rough, including each other.

Your nephews show a lack of respect and consideration that borders on bullying.

YANBU.

AmberLeaf · 09/04/2013 19:47

Cousins? I know my boys played in this way with their cousins.

Not just siblings IME.

rustybusty · 09/04/2013 19:47

They are cousins though. I think it would be extremely rare to find a boy or girl that didnt do this frequently with their siblings/cousins growing up.

Original poster

ParadiseChick · 09/04/2013 19:49

Cousins, as in their granny is in a relationship with my sons grandad for the past 2 years.

OP posts:

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