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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that exp is being passive aggressive cutting ds's hair off whilst he was on his Easter holiday with him

59 replies

prettywhiteguitar · 06/04/2013 22:50

Ds had shoulder length hair, he is 5. It was blonde and gorgeous and I thought his dad was fine with it. We both discussed that we liked long hair on boys etc....

Anyway he goes off for a week with his dad, I call to ask him about passport details for ds's passport, ex offers to get ds some passport photos and a hair cut for his photos I say ok

He comes home with a short hair cut - short back and sides

When I say oh his hairs cut off exp mutters something about him being a big boy etc

I am pissed off that he didn't mention that it would be a very short hair cut (hes always had long hair) before he came home as we were in contact and that he thought that now I'm still going to be all matey with him

Just seems sneaky to me knowing that I'll be pissed off

I'm even more pissed off as I don't mind the hair cut just the fucking sneaking around !!

OP posts:
SquinkiesRule · 07/04/2013 00:04

I wouldn make a big deal about it, maybe thats what he wants you to do.
I know that my Ds had lovely long blond hair and at 5 said he wanted a haircut, he wanted short back and sides. I was a bit upset, but it's what he wanted, he looked cute either way. His hair went mousy after the cut and never had the same blond ever again.

Eastpoint · 07/04/2013 06:39

Maybe your ex thought your son wouldn't want to have a passport photo of himself with long blond hair at 9/10. His new passport will last him until that age.

JenaiMorris · 07/04/2013 07:17

rooty what does ' Is this where the male gender gets hold of your son' mean?

dozily · 07/04/2013 07:33

I think your ex was completely out of order and I'm surprised most people don't seem to!

If Dh took of our children for a very drastic haircut without even mentioning it I would be quite shocked.

However thankfully you do like the end result and I think your (lack of) reaction was perfect.

Out of interest, if it had been you who decided to get your ds's hair cut short, would you have checked with your ds first?

dozily · 07/04/2013 07:33

*with your dh first

Maggie111 · 07/04/2013 08:46

I'd be furious!!! He was definitely going against your wishes on purpose - there's a total difference between a haircut and a new hairstyle!

pigletmania · 07/04/2013 09:01

Yanbu it's only hair. Nice long hair god on girls not on boys. I don't like males adults or children with long hair

pigletmania · 07/04/2013 09:04

He is just as much your ds parent as you are. Would you have checked with him f you had your ds hair cut short. I think it's you who liked long hair mabey your ex was going along with it, mabey he hated it. She should have toke you what he was going to do beforehand

Freddiemisagreatshag · 07/04/2013 09:06

If you didn't want it cut you shouldn't have said ok. You should have taken him. His dad took him and made the decision.

Don't worry. He'll have long hair again when he's about 14.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 07/04/2013 09:17

I thought we both liked it, exp said he did to be honest his dad was down for the weekend and I wonder if he made some comments about ds's hair

It wasn't that long ! Anyways it's done now but I feel I can't trust exp

And I would have txt exp we are on amicable terms and it's something I would have thought he would have an option on but now I think we're probably not on as amicable terms as I thought

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 07/04/2013 09:32

I thought we both liked it, exp said he did to be honest his dad was down for the weekend and I wonder if he made some comments about ds's hair

It wasn't that long ! Anyways it's done now but I feel I can't trust exp

And I would have txt exp we are on amicable terms and it's something I would have thought he would have an option on but now I think we're probably not on as amicable terms as I thought

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 07/04/2013 09:40

Can we see a picture of it short?
It's only hair,it grows.

As others say, your ex may have been thinking about him having the passport as he gets older.I know my DP doesnt really take much notice of childrens hair, so taking one for a cut would involve saying "can they have a hair cut please" followed by the hairdresser having free reign to do whatever they wanted. Your ex may have done the man thing and taken him to a traditional barbers.

I doubt he was doing it to wind you up if you generally get along. If he was, what are you gaining from being wound up about it-nothing. His hair is still short and it's only eating you, not your ex. I would just let it go.

cupcake78 · 07/04/2013 09:46

What did your son want doing with his hair?

Booyhoo · 07/04/2013 11:42

you know usually when mine get their hair cut, we dont decide what we're doing with it until they are actually in the chair with the apron on. so it's possible your ex hadn't even considered going short until they were there and the hairdresser asked him what he wanted done. also, my barber is great at advising what he thinks will suit each of the boys with their different face shapes so maybe the hairdresser gave a bit of advice and your ex took it.

SneakyNinja · 07/04/2013 11:57

The fact that he didn't even mention it to you suggests to me he either a. Knew it would upset you and was being sneaky or b. Didn't realise the cut would be that drastic and was embarrassed.

If this is the first time DS has had short hair, then it would definitely have been brought up in the conversation with you afterwards as an exciting change if nothing else. Unless ofcourse he was avoiding the subject!
Yanbu to be upset, I would be too. It is really something he should have at least mentioned to you (and no, 'I'm getting ds's hair cut' is NOT mentioning a brand new hair style) but as others have said, I would personally suck it up and let it pass. If it was a genuine passive aggresive swipe it is done now with no harm. Maybe a casual ' oh I wish you had warned me it would be so drastic' would suffice.

HappyMummyOfOne · 07/04/2013 12:06

Perhaps your DS wanted it short and asked his dad knowing you wouldnt let him.

Your ex is an equal parent, he has as much right in the say of his sons hair style as you do and it sounds like its been cut your way for a long time.

The passport will last five years, its highly unlikley at 10 he will have long halr so the picture is likely to be more like him going forward.

McNewPants2013 · 07/04/2013 12:13

Dd has never had a haircut and I would be upset if DH took her to have a radical haircut.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 07/04/2013 13:05

Yeah first short hair cut and when I asked ds about it he just said his dad said he looked like a big boy now,

I don't think he cares about his hair, ds is more bothered talking about zombies

I just think exp should have said something to keeps things amicable between us as now I'm back to thinking he's a tosser (we haven't always got on )

OP posts:
Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 07/04/2013 13:12

I think ds was happy with his hair till his dad mentioned getting it short, I would have been totally fine about it had he said something

I'm not a control freak But I think exp just didn't want to mention it as in front of his dad it would have looked like he was asking permission from me

I'm writing this here so I don't have this conversation with exp

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 07/04/2013 14:13

If DS is not bothered I think YABU. It's his hair. At 5 he's old enough to have his wishes respected (and if he didn't care either way, your point of view is no more valid than your ex's).

FriggFRIGG · 07/04/2013 15:07

I think I'd cry.

Our 2 yr old DS has gorgeous long curly hair...he wouldn't look like him without it. I cant imagine it,I don't want to...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 07/04/2013 15:11

YABU your DS is also your Exes child.

deliciousdevilwoman · 07/04/2013 15:16

FWIW-I am not a lover of long hair on boys, but your Ex has definitely been sneaky! He should have said "I want to get his hair cut SHORT" and ascertained your feelings on the matter OP, not left you with the inference he was going to get him a trim-as on previous occasions.

You don't need to go in all guns blazing-especially if things are cordial, but I would call him on it, definitely.

PeneloPeePitstop · 07/04/2013 15:29

I wish some of you would get over your prejudices.

DS2 is 7 and has hair halfway down his back. He's severely autistic with sensory processing disorder and the hair gives him something to fiddle with and to hide behind when social situations get too much. We manage to tie it back for school and he has a fringe so he can see where he's going (otherwise he'd sport a Cousin It by choice) but really, who is he actually hurting by his hairstyle?

There is so much unnecessary comment made about his hair. Mind you people also comment about him sitting in his wheelchair gurning and hand flapping, but they're just twats.

So just think before flapping your gums and passing judgment in future. There may be more to a situation than meets the eye.

Original poster
prettywhiteguitar · 07/04/2013 15:37

Some people are rude and have no manners

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