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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Catching the gay"

102 replies

FarelyKnuts · 06/04/2013 21:13

This is slightly Fred about a Fred but also about general usage of the term.

While I realise it is all a bit tongue in cheek to reply to the many many posters who ask about their DS' wanting nailpolish/hairclips/pink/barbies/kitchens/dolls etc that its fine and they won't "catch the gay" by having and/or playing with traditionally girl gendered things..

AIBU to still feel a teenchy bit narked as a gay person that that would be seen as a problem (even if it were possible). Why is it still seen as such a negative to have a gay child/ be gay?

OP posts:

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:08

Although I've never heard someone say you'll catch the black/ Asian etc

I have heard in particularly racist ex mil say if you sit too close to a black man in public transport you can get pregnant. I like to think it was a really bad joke as opposed to blinding ignorance about how babies are made

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:10

But in not actually sure which is worse

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 07/04/2013 10:13

FarleyNuts - I'm sorry that you feel a teeny bit narked (hurt?) by this, but I think you are misunderstanding the (well known) intent of it. I know you realise it's not being said negatively, but I think what you don't also realise is that it's not saying or implying or infering that being gay is in anyway bad thing. I think I've made a worse hash of explaining myself than Booyhoo

I think fatfingers Booyhoo said it best yes, it is seen as negative by the tit that is trying to hide their nail varnish from their son, but not by teh person who is saying "dont worry, he wont catch teh gay" they are saying it in order to parody ( is taht the right word?) what they tit person thinks. it's ridiculing teh ignorance of that person that they think 1) being gay is something that is learned and 2) that's it's something undesirable. the person saying it isn't saying 'teh gay' is a negative thing. they are taking the piss out of the tit for thinking it is a negative thing. i dont think ive explained that well at all sorry. but my brain jsut cant find the words. nor my fingers the keys

I understand what you are saying - that you think it still implies that being gay is a negative thing - it really doesn't.

But I do feel it still has a slight negative feeling to it, you wouldn't get the opposite where someone was posting about could they make their son gay by doing A or B please please could they because that would be wonderful etc

Now you are being 'farleynuts' . There is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay - but there is still a lot wrong with a lot of peoples attitudes towards gay people - you have to admit, being gay is much more difficult than being straight because of that - no one is going to wish that for their child.

So, when you read 'he wont catch the gay' you need to 'see' the whole intent behind the comment which is 'you fucknuckle - you can't 'catch the gay' by wearing nail polish and even if you could - so fucking what you homophobic idiot'

thermalsinapril · 07/04/2013 10:22

"I beg to differ on the catching disabilities thing, I have had to reassure people that what my dd has is not contagious, you can only be born with it"

Herrera, I understand there will always be dimwits who make tasteless or stupid comments about things they don't understand. But - I can't imagine a thread where many MN-ers would say it was fine to make a joke about "catching the disability". So why is "catching the gay" being defended?

Tortington · 07/04/2013 10:26

sat·ire

/ˈsaˌtī(ə)r/
Noun

The use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices,

hth

mirai · 07/04/2013 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thermalsinapril · 07/04/2013 10:34

I get the intended satire. Just don't like it and would prefer to ask "what are you afraid of?" instead so the person either has to admit their prejudice or say there's no problem!

TheBigJessie · 07/04/2013 10:38

Erm, I think I have said, "disability isn't catching!" A family member was whinging about "pc dolls" (dolls which had disabilities) at the local playgroup. I thought it was effective.

Am I a bad person?

I did talk about how toys should represent our actual world and all that stuff too. Can I stop beating myself now?

Tortington · 07/04/2013 10:46

i understand other peoples preferences, i haven't used the phrase myself but i can see why this method was used to point out stupidity.

As long as people are shouting at the top of their lungs "Homophobia is not acceptable"

The danger we have if there is a critisism of the way in which people address homophobia is that some people will stop criticising it, its akin to getting flamed for standing up for the right thing

everyone is arguing the same side of the coin here, on gay rights there are SO MANY things that could be debated, SO many things that could be highlighted in a public forum considering what is happening in America alone, never mind Uruguay ( that was a surprise) and the massacre of people for their sexuality all over the world.

don't pull people up for doing the right thing

well done to all those people who through whatever medium stand against prejudice

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:47

Some people feel like they have said it without meaning to 'catch gay' would be a bad thing but to take the piss out of the person who is hiding the nail polish.

It's a personal thing, It wouldn't offend me generally but it would from certain people if I had reason to suspect their intentions.

Equally I wouldn't say it as a glib phrase I'd be more likely to talk about a couple of screwed up secret trans men who were beaten and bullied (by their parents) as children for wanting to play dress up with their big sisters. For them it was a huge issue, a massive private shame that defined their lives ( one had a collection if over a hundred wedding dresses!) I have also know trans men and women who are comfortable with their choices and men who will take any opportunity to put a dress on for a night out but wouldn't need to describe/ define themselves by it.

My point being, vigorous repression of a child's innocent experimentation WILL cause long term psychological problems.

I am quite offended by the pp(s?) who said they wouldn't wish / choose it for their child. I personally don't have an opinion on my dds sexuality, if pushed for one I'd probably say bi as it means she has the whole world to choose from

TiggyD · 07/04/2013 10:53

Doesn't bother me. It's mocking bad people who deserve to be made fun of.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 10:58

Wow PC dolls that a new one on me. Yes I think it's a good idea, anything that stops is being something strange, children need a referencing point!

I agree with both custardo and Jamie, some ways of attacking homophobia are preferable to others but at least they are trying in whatever way they know how

Can I also say I like the level of debate on this thread. There is another one I've just given up on as its degenerated into hurling insults, so this is a perfect juxtaposition.

Well done!

lunar1 · 07/04/2013 11:08

I have said it before, when ds1 was 2 I bought him a kitchen. A friend commented on it negatively and I said he won't catch gay by playing with a kitchen. My meaning was that if he is gay he is gay, childhood toys won't make a difference.

Thinking about it though I can see how it can be offensive and won't say it again.

Personally all I want for my children is to have a happy life and to have a positive impact on the world. Can't really see how their orientation would impact on that.

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 11:14

I nearly clicked on this last night thinking it would be about the pursuit of a gay person.

I find the whole "he won't catch the gay" thing pretty annoying.

It mostly seems to be aimed at people who are implying no such thing.

It also irritates me because it seems to conflate gayness with femaleness.

TheBigJessie · 07/04/2013 11:19

The people worrying about pink things and hair-clips have already conflated being gay with femininity. It's is almost always the subtext. There are lots of people who equate male+stereotypical female activity = gay. I had an otherwise lovely old man come up to me about my male toddlers' handbags, and how they would have to "join the navy". (The navy, according to him, is a place very accepting of homosexuality. Although that's not quite how he termed it.)

AThingInYourLife · 07/04/2013 11:40

"I had an otherwise lovely old man come up to me about my male toddlers' handbags, and how they would have to "join the navy"."

:o :o

Join the navy? FFS

Yeah, I guess you're right about the conflation of gayness and femininity being done by the people who think pink will turn their sons gay.

But it's not true of people who avoid pink for their daughters, or whose young sons have learnt the pink = girls lesson and reject it.

And I've seen them get the "won't catch the gay" treatment too.

It seems to be the new "first world problem" inasmuch as it seems to be liberally dispensed by a particular kind of right-on online warrior, as though it is the end of any argument on the matter.

TheBigJessie · 07/04/2013 13:25

It took me a whole minute to work out what he actually meant. I'd never heard that one!

As for the rest, I don't doubt you. I wouldn't use "you can't catch the gay" in those circumstances, but maybe some would.

Original poster

FarelyKnuts · 07/04/2013 20:25

Thank you everyone for all the opinions (and sorry for disappearing, had to drive half the country and back for a funeral).

It is really great, as someone else pointed out, to see a debate going on that doesn't turn into attack and horror.. and weirdly for AIBU no one actually said YABU or YANBU :o

I do think I was overanalysing the whole thing a wee bit but Im glad I posted just for the discussion it generated.

OP posts:

thermalsinapril · 07/04/2013 20:38

YANBU

Original poster

FarelyKnuts · 07/04/2013 20:52

Thanks thermals :o

OP posts:

Original poster

FarelyKnuts · 07/04/2013 20:52

I was just asking for that wasn't I?

OP posts:

VikingLady · 07/04/2013 21:25

I have used this phrase a lot (live in a northern town that seems to be stuck in a 70s mindset) and I never realised what a negative connotation it has.

I shall switch to my alternative response - "you're right, a pink handbag will definitely make his penis turn into a vagina! Thank you for pointing that out!"

Sorted

Altinkum · 07/04/2013 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerrenaHarridan · 07/04/2013 21:48

I did say yanbu! But it was half way through a post so ill let you off more missing it!

It is great this hasn't for all fighty, I'm almost ready to jack it all in after being on the why shall I call my littles girls bits thread

TiggyD · 07/04/2013 21:55

I'll carry on using the phrase and I'm fine with others using it. Doesn't bother me in the least.

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