To think I get a say in hubby having the snip?

[phoenixrose314]

Quick summary: DH has two children from a previous marriage. We've been together for six years and I've just given birth to a gorgeous son.

It took me a while to convince him to have this baby, but I made it clear from the start that if he wasn't open to having children with me then he would lose me; I have always wanted to be a mum more than anything and although I love his children I wanted to know what it would feel like to have a little one of my own. He came around to the idea and despite fertility problems we are now a happy little family unit and he is the most loving and devoted father to our DS, it fills me with joy to see them together.

Anyway, two days after we're home from hospital, he mentions going to the doctors to see about getting his tubes tied. We'd talked about it whilst I was pregnant and I said that I was happy only having one (yes I know I am stupid) - but he hadn't brought it up again since and when he did it kind of knocked me for six. He realised I was taken aback and explained that he really didn't want any more children, although he adores the three he has.

I said to him that although I was still sure I only wanted one, there was a big part if me that just didn't want that avenue closed. I'm more than happy to get the coil fitted and take other precautions... He told me to think about it.

Today he comes home and says he's seen the doctor and made an appointment. I feel like he's pushing ahead with this because he doesn't want me to have the time to say no... Am I being unreasonable or are my mad post pregnancy hormones making me feel so emotional about it all?

[UniqueAndAmazing]

exactly.

if it's that big a deal that it's a deal-breaker, you'd be free to have more babies with someone else.
(your body, your choice)

The docs would probably ask him to wait a few months though, to be sure that's what he wanted to do.

[ChristmasJubilee]

My dh made an appointment with the GP to ask for a hospital referral to get the snip the day we registered ds2. I wasn't keen but he said he was sure he didn't want more children (he has 3 grown up dc's from his first marriage) so I accepted it.

He returned from the hospital appointment months later to say that they had suggested that, at my age (32), I would be better getting sterilised as "I didn't have many childbearing years left". I declined telling him it was his choice and I accepted he didn't want more but I wanted the option of another one should our situation change. He didn't go ahead and we had ds3 10 years later.

Not very helpful but it may be, by the time the appointment comes around and he has spoken to the consultant, one of you may feel differently.

[Owllady]

I tend to agree with don'tshout. I understand how you feel though but I think being responsible and thinking about the upbringing, financial and emotional of three children is actually a positive. You have just had a baby too your hormones tell you to have another, well mine did anyway I always wanted another after the last one, even my last. It does pass

[Owllady]

i wish mine would have one tbh
gah!

[SoupDragon]

He has already compromised on having one child with you. It is his decision whether or not to have a vasectomy, just as it is your decision whether or not to stay with him.

You say you don't want that avenue closed - well I think that avenue is closed for him isn't it?

It's always going to be tough when one parent wants more children and the other doesn't but, ultimately, only one person "wins" and you can't have control over what someone does to their body.

Enjoy your new son!

[Viviennemary]

YANBU to think such a serious matter should be discussed between the two of you. But in the end it's his decision.

[DragonMamma]

YABunderstandablyU - you convinced him to have this one, said one would be plenty and now you're essentially trying to shift the goalposts to allow for a potential 4th in the future.

He may not have had the one and you may have gone your separate ways if you had said you'd like 2 dcs from the off, who knows?

His body, his choice. Well done to him for being proactive in ensuring the 4th child doesn't happen.

[maleview70]

My wife is trying to shift the goal posts too. I gave we the option of walking away at the start if she wanted more than one but she chose not to. She knew the situation but now seems to forget that!

He has 3. Can you not love his children like your own?

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think that he hasn't really compromised by having one. The OP said at the start of the relationship that she wanted children. Not that she wanted just one child.

As much as she chose someone who already had dc, he chose someone who didn't have them and who made it clear that not having them was a deal breaker for her. If he really didn't want children (plural) with the OP, then he is at fault for agreeing and then hoping she'd settle for just the one.

[SoupDragon]

And having one is a compromise. He wanted none, she wanted some, thus one is a compromise.

[fedupofnamechanging]

To me it's like going back on what he initially agreed. True, he didn't want any, but he wanted the OP more than he didn't want children.

In the end if one person does and one person doesn't, then someone has to give in and ultimately it's better not to have a child, than to have one and feel resentment. However, I still think it's unfair to rush into it.

[SoupDragon]

But it's not going back. It's a compromise - neither have got exactly what they may have wanted but have compromised to reach an agreement. That's exactly what a compromise is.

We actually have no idea exactly what was agreed. We do know that the OP agreed she was happy with one.

[ScariestFairyByFar]

I think YANBU as don't know if this is still the case but if a married woman wanted to be sterilised her husband had to agree. It was definitely the case 15 years ago

[fedupofnamechanging]

I think he's at fault here for doing this when she was pg. At that point she wasn't really in a position to say for sure that she would be happy just having one. He is rushing into this before she can properly object and it is marring the time she should be spending enjoying her new baby.

I think he's done the bare minimum he can get away with, by agreeing to one and that's not fair when he's in a relationship with a woman who was clear from the outset that children were definitely wanted by her.

I think that if he slowed down a bit, the OP may well come around to his way of thinking, but the rushing to get it done before she is ready, is wrong imo.

[Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywrench]

When DH had his done after DD(6) was born (10 yrs after DS. He already had 2 DDs from his previous marriage) the consultant told him that he would never recommend having it done within the first couple of years after having a baby 'just in case the worst happened'. He took his time to talk it through with both of us so that we were both clear about the risks and DH had it done when DD was 1. My pregnancy with DD nearly drove us to divorce and our relationship has never fully recovered.

He resents that I went ahead with the pregnancy but he adores DD and says that if he could go back he wouldn't have been such a bastard to me. I still resent that he ruined my last pregnancy because the whole period was fraught with tension and I never got to enjoy it, and if I'm honest there are days when I look at him and think that he's such a hypocrite because he didn't want her to begin with. I had to have a hysterectomy for medical reasons last year, and even though I really didn't want another child I still felt robbed of the chance to enjoy my pregnancies. (I was pregnant with DS while there was a whole battle going on around me regarding access to DSDs so never got to enjoy it either)

[countrykitten]

I didn't have to sign anything when my dh was snipped.

OP it is his body and he clearly does not want any more children and that is what you signed up to.

Congrats on your little bundle!