To think I get a say in hubby having the snip?

[phoenixrose314]

Quick summary: DH has two children from a previous marriage. We've been together for six years and I've just given birth to a gorgeous son.

It took me a while to convince him to have this baby, but I made it clear from the start that if he wasn't open to having children with me then he would lose me; I have always wanted to be a mum more than anything and although I love his children I wanted to know what it would feel like to have a little one of my own. He came around to the idea and despite fertility problems we are now a happy little family unit and he is the most loving and devoted father to our DS, it fills me with joy to see them together.

Anyway, two days after we're home from hospital, he mentions going to the doctors to see about getting his tubes tied. We'd talked about it whilst I was pregnant and I said that I was happy only having one (yes I know I am stupid) - but he hadn't brought it up again since and when he did it kind of knocked me for six. He realised I was taken aback and explained that he really didn't want any more children, although he adores the three he has.

I said to him that although I was still sure I only wanted one, there was a big part if me that just didn't want that avenue closed. I'm more than happy to get the coil fitted and take other precautions... He told me to think about it.

Today he comes home and says he's seen the doctor and made an appointment. I feel like he's pushing ahead with this because he doesn't want me to have the time to say no... Am I being unreasonable or are my mad post pregnancy hormones making me feel so emotional about it all?

[fiftyodd]

I had to agree to dh having the snip too. I hadn't gone with him, and the surgeon phoned me at work to check I agreed!

[SchroSawMargeryDaw]

Boney Why not? If he can decide he doesn't want any more kids when she does then surely the option for her to use donated sperm should be open?

It is the same argument, she can't decide what he does with her body and the same applies the other way round.

[SchroSawMargeryDaw]

His body*

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Schro

The end result is that he has more children.

Unless you are suggesting that he can be absolved from having to have anything to do with the new child?

[phoenixrose314]

I do understand where he's coming from, of course I do - and if its what he really wants of course I will support him... It just sucks. And I'm sad. I look at the lovely little bundle in my arms and know that's it... It hurts.

I'm sure I will get over it in time.

[wannaBe]

it is entirely different to say that she should be able to go out and use donated sperm without consulting with him first. Firstly, if he has the snip he has it done and that's that. If she goes out and uses donated sperm there is a resulting child, which presumably he would then be expected to support financially along with his other three children, not to mention expected to build a relationship with. Not comparrible at all

[BoneyBackJefferson]

OP

You have my sympathies, I can imagine that it isn't easy.

[Bringmewineandcake]

His timing feels off to me - I've not spotted if you specify how long ago you gave birth, but I get the impression you're talking less than 3 months?
I'd be concerned that he's taking these actions while you are particularly vulnerable, emotionwise.
It is his decision, you have the right to be upset of course but it seems as though he's been honest about his plans. In the future, you will have to make your own decision re whether you want to have another child more than you want to stay with him.
Yanbu for being upset about the timing / lack of discussion. The decision to proceed is ultimately his however, whatever your feelings in the matter.

[FariesDoExist]

Congratulations on your baby. Did you literally only have the baby a few days ago? If so then I think your DH is a bit mean regarding the timing of this, you will be exhausted and full of hormones and not wanting to think about vasectomy options etc right now. I would also wonder whether he's had a knee-jerk reaction to the birth of your baby and the sudden changes to your relationship. Personally I would want to put the snip on hold for now.

[phoenixrose314]

PS, I am not by any means saying I want more children - I just want the option. I am finding these early days exhausting and couldn't possibly imagine doing it again!!

[specialsubject]

he's talked about it before. She's got the one she wanted, he now wants to make sure that is it.

as is often mentioned on here - the person who wants fewer children trumps the other one.

congrats on the new baby.

[SchroSawMargeryDaw]

Boney Are you saying that his opinion matters more?

Obviously "Father unknown" could be put on the birth certificate (in this totally hypothetical sitauation).

I completely back up what anyone wants to do with their own body but it has to be completely equal. He can't put an end to his reproductive life so he has control over his own body but say that the option of donor sperm wouldn't be open to her.

If she wanted more he would be deciding for her if all options were closed and that is unfair.

[wannaBe]

perhaps the arrival of the baby is what has made him think though. While op was pregnant she couldn't get pregnant iyswim, and when you leave hospital with a baby it is very much hammered home that you should be using contraception as you can get pregnant even while breastfeeding. So suddenly he's gone from not having to think about it to it being thrust under his nose iyswim and the reality has hit home. So actually i can totally see why the timing appears to be as it is.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Schro

Yes I am. See Special's post above.

and "Father unknown" wouldn't absolve him from paying for and looking after the child. Unless he sees it as a deal breaker.

And as Wannabe posted the situation is not comparable

[wannaBe]

schro it is not comparrible at all. The comparison is laughable in fact. Let's look at it this way:

Let's say the situation is reversed, woman decides she doesn't want any more children after three and is sterilysed. But her dh decides that he does want another child even though she doesn't. Then one day he turns up with a baby, which he had paid a surrogate to carry for him and expects the wife to welcome it into their home. That would be ok would it? No of course it bloody wouldn't.

The op has the opportunity to have more children if she wanted them, but not within that particular relationship. I can imagine that going behind the husband's back to have a child with a sper donor would be sound grounds for divorce.

[SchroSawMargeryDaw]

I did say earlier on that refusing the situation would probably be the end of the relationship...

[SchroSawMargeryDaw]

Anyway, sorry I'm probably not making much sense.

I am yet again in a hormonal huffy rage, apologies.

[StuntGirl]

His body, his choice. I applaud him actually for making this decision, it mustn't be easy knowing you feel differently.

That's not to say I am just dismissive of your upset, I'm sure that mustn't be easy either. Enjoy your new son, your lovely husband and your wonderful step children. You are very blessed, try to hold on to that.

[FariesDoExist]

Yes I sort of see what you mean re the timing Wannabe but for me sex was the last thing on my mind when I came home from hospital and my DP wouldn't have dared raised contraception issues at that point! I was too busy bursting into tears every 5 minutes and coping with the new baby.

At the end of the day it would be wrong for the OP to try to persuade him if he's made up his mind, I know that, but it just seems horrible to me that instead of getting on with those precious early bonding with baby days the OP is having to think about this right now.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Schro, sorry for not replying earlier, had a friend round. What I actually had to sign was a paper that said I agreed I'd been told about the possibility it might not work. Initially I refused to sign because no-one had actually told me; I knew but had done the reading myself, iyswim, so I was just being thrawn, really. When dh arrived for the op, they insisted I went in to the hospital to sign before they went ahead, so I did, muttering under my breath.

Don't know what would have happened had I not signed.

[UniqueAndAmazing]

you have every right to tell him how you feel about it, but in the end, it's his body, his choice :)

[Greythorne]

He gets to decide what to do with his body.

he doesn't get to decide if you stay with him.

If you want more children - and it is critical for you - you can try to have them with someone else.

He can't force you to stay with him.

So, you are in a position of power, just as he is.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Schro

You are making a very interesting point, and it is a continuation of the moral dilemma of who should get the final say.

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

I think YABU (but its a very understandable 'U')

Congrats on your new shiny DS. [bunch]

I bet in a few years time you will be singing the praises of only having one DC.

Your DH has three children to support. That's plenty

[DontSHOUTTTTTT]

I meant not [bunch]