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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fertility is a completely unfair lottery

118 replies

Dancingthroughthefire · 04/04/2013 22:19

There's philpott breeding left right and centre and being the most horrific parent.

And then there's us, struggling to conceive. Been told dh is basically infertile and we will likely never conceive naturally.

Where is the justice? I know it is just luck and it shouldn't make me so angry but it's so unfair.

OP posts:
vintageclock · 05/04/2013 15:46

I know how you feel. It seems terribly unfair when you see the ease with which some absolute rubbish parents conceive children and the absolute agony that other people, who would make brilliant parents, go through. I like to think God has his reasons, but yes it does seem very hard on some people.

Andro · 05/04/2013 15:57

The worst part (IME) is the reaction of some other people to infertility. I've long since come to terms with the knowledge that I'll never be pregnant - I found out when I was very young - I have 2 adopted children who I love beyond words. What I don't need some smug woman telling me that I'm not a 'real woman', or that I can never be a 'proper wife' because of my inability to be pregnant!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 05/04/2013 15:59

Andro - do people say stuff like that? That is horrendous!

TroublesomeEx · 05/04/2013 16:06

Andro It honestly wouldn't even occur to me to think that. That's horrible Sad

However, I know a few people who've adopted after IVF etc hasn't been successful. I know that a few of them have been on the receiving end of "oh what a wonderful thing you are doing by adopting" type comments. They've said that really annoys them because, as they have said, it isn't a 'wonderful thing' they are doing, they wanted children. I suppose that's along similar smug lines, isn't it?

Andro · 05/04/2013 16:07

Yes they do YellowandGreenandRedandBlue - the first was my own mother, the other I've had said to me several times by different women (one of whom actually followed up by suggesting to my DH that he should divorce me because of it).

ChairOfTheBored · 05/04/2013 16:08

Bloody hell Andro that's awful. Adoption is an incredible thing - you may not be a biological mother, but that only makes your unconditional love for your children all the more fantastic.

I struggle enough to bite my tongue with the idiotic albeit well intended "just relax" and "my neighbour's cousin's window cleaner's cat polisher once knew someone who might have been infertile, they did it while humming the star spangled banner and fell pregnant - have you had to do that?". I think if anyone said to me what they say to you I may have to resort to violence.

I may not be fertile, but I can do feisty!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 05/04/2013 16:10

Well they are just wrong.

Andro · 05/04/2013 16:10

FolkGirl - I've had the 'what a wonderful thing you're doing' comments about adopting, they've never bothered me because I think a lot of people genuine see adopting as something almost 'above and beyond' iykwim.

TroublesomeEx · 05/04/2013 16:15

Mm maybe. I know it annoyed the people I know, but then I suppose in comparison to the cruel comments it's a lot better!

TSSDNCOP · 05/04/2013 16:16

If I had a wish, it would be that hideous diseases only happened to really bad people. Imagine if we could off child cancer onto a bunch of murderers and rapists and child abusers.

I know that's stupid, but fuck it these fuckers must be good for something. It's just wrong that bad shit happens to good doodle whilst this lot live to a ripe old age.

TSSDNCOP · 05/04/2013 16:18

Doodle?...PEOPLE Grin

Flowers for you Andro

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/04/2013 16:26

These awful stories of shit luck and women dealt an unfair hand leave me wondering how organised religion still has a place in our society.

I am so shocked every time someone who I consider an intelligent realist reveals they believe in a God who creates life and responds to prayers. Watch the news ffs!

MackerelOfFact · 05/04/2013 16:29

YANBU. But so many things are. Cancer is an unfair lottery, being born into poverty and starvation is an unfair lottery, being hit by a drink driver on your way home is an unfair lottery... etc etc etc.

That doesn't make it any easier though and I'm sorry people are struggling. :(

MoreCrackThanHarlem · 05/04/2013 16:30

Religions that have faith in an interventionist God, particularly.

overmydeadbody · 05/04/2013 16:41

I agree MoreCrack.

Life is not fair or unfair. It just is. It wasn't meant to be 'good' all the time, it wasn't meant to be anything.

It is amazing that anyone believes in a God who is responsible for all of this when you look around the world at everything people are dealt.

And the Christian idea that their loving God only lets bad things happen to good people because he thinks they are strong enough to cope with it, or because he has a grand plan and needs to test them, is utterly ludicrous and laughable.

Life isn't fair. Nor was it meant to be.

Infertility and ttc and IVF are upseting, stressful, gruelling hardships, and it is sad that people have to go through those things, as well as all the other horrors that life can throw at people Sad. But it just is. There is no reason, no explanation.

seeminglyso · 05/04/2013 16:43

morecrackthanharlem ''I am so shocked every time someone who I consider an intelligent realist reveals they believe in a God who creates life and responds to prayers''.

God I feel the same...replace shock with utter disappointment

TreeLuLa · 05/04/2013 16:45

YADNBU

SO sorry to hear of your struggle.

Took us 7 years and 5 miscarriages (one of twins) but we got there in the end and now have twins.

Very best of luck.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 17:04

Sorry but I fucking hate these threads.

You might think it's unfair and about how you're feeling but do you ever stop to think that perhaps one of the children to those people you are angry about could be reading what you write and be bloody upset that yet another person is basically saying that they shouldn't exist as it's not fair to them?

Fucking sick of seeing posts and threads about how certain people shouldn't have kids, you're basically wishing that those kids don't exist!

ChairOfTheBored · 05/04/2013 17:12

Schro - I don't think that's it at all.

People aren't saying these kids shouldn't exist (well I'm certainly not) but just reflecting that it can feel massively unfair that some people, possibly mostly those who perhaps don't meet our ideal of what parenting should be, seem to have kids despite then not really seeming to love or value them, while some people who desperately want children can have them at all.

A bit of a moan, that's all - certainly not expressing views that the kids shouldn't exist. And well, yeah, it's a bit self centred, but that's allowed sometimes isn't it? We can't all be brave face stoic soldiers all the time.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 17:16

You also have to accept that it comes across as wishing these people couldn't have kids (and I have seen many times on here saying these people should abort or be sterilised) and that also means those kids not existing.

My Mother was as bad as the Phillipots, actually she was and is much worse but I am happy to be alive. If she couldn't have kids I wouldn't be here and when people get pissed off about people like her being able to have kids it cuts like a bloody knife.

ChairOfTheBored · 05/04/2013 17:20

Schro - I accept it may come across that way, but it's certainly not intended to, not by me, I can't speak for others.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear that your own childhood may have been difficult. That doesn't mean I think you shouldn't have been born just because your mum had failings.

I would never wish someone else didn't exist, certainly not a child. But then I don't think 'these people' should be sterilised either. I just want to be able to have children too. My jealousy is not reserved for a particular type of parent, just anyone who seems to find it 'easy' to get pregnant.

And yes, I admit that sometimes I look at those with big families, and wish they could share.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 05/04/2013 17:25

My childhood was pretty much fine as I grew up with my Paternal GP.

Funnily enough my Brother was left with them though and was also left in a house fire Hmm, he is luckily alive. I know he would feel the same about this as well though.

I am sorry, I really am sympathetic, I have friends who are really struggling and I know how hard it can be. In my own experience, I fell pregnant for the first time shortly after starting investigations for not being able to, I realise how very lucky I am. I am not heartless, it's just this subject cuts like a knife. :(

"And yes, I admit that sometimes I look at those with big families, and wish they could share."

When it comes to my Mother, she technically did as a few have been adopted and I hear from my DB's SW that they are in very happy homes.

seeminglyso · 05/04/2013 17:27

Its not saying now they exist they shouldnt exist but if they didnt exist in the first place there is no loss to anyone including them as they dont exist. Its a bit of an abstract point that has no relevance to the OP's post really.

EuroShaggleton · 05/04/2013 17:28

Schro I don't think that is what people are saying.

If she couldn't have had children and you had been born to a loving, caring and supportive family instead, would you have thought that would have been "fairer" for you?

As several people have said though, there is no fairness in all this. Children are born into difficult homes and suffer. People who could have given those children loving homes and infertile and suffer. It's shyte for all.

BeaLola · 05/04/2013 17:32

YANBU life is what it is .. random & it happens - the only guarantee is that you are born & that you will die

Yes in an ideal world Philpott etc would not exist/be able to have children but it is not ideal. in my day to day job I see so many women/young teenagers etc popping them out & not caring & I have had 5 mc.

HOWEVER I have a beautiful 5 year old DS who we adopted last year & whom I love & adore beyond reason. He is being really annoying today -cooped up in bad easter hols weather with poorly Mummy & yet he has still made me smile , laugh & my heart grow .

All the best to you OP - hope you get to feel as happy as I do