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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think fertility is a completely unfair lottery

118 replies

Dancingthroughthefire · 04/04/2013 22:19

There's philpott breeding left right and centre and being the most horrific parent.

And then there's us, struggling to conceive. Been told dh is basically infertile and we will likely never conceive naturally.

Where is the justice? I know it is just luck and it shouldn't make me so angry but it's so unfair.

OP posts:
PariahHairy · 04/04/2013 23:28

Unfortunately fertility is not a reward for being a good person, it's just life, biology. Hating people who can conceive though is utterly pointless and will make you bitter, they haven't appropriated the baby you were meant to have.

It's why I hate that "What's for you won't pass you by" quote, erm that is patently fucking bollocks isn't it really. Oooh that person was raped and murdered, that was obviously "for" them, it certainly didn't pass them by Hmm.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 04/04/2013 23:29

Yes, unfair, so many things in life are.

hopefulgum · 04/04/2013 23:36

Yep, it really is unfair. If only loving, deserving people could have children the world would be better place. Sadly it just doesn't work like that. I am sorry you are having difficulties. I hope you can have a baby of your own. Infertility is just sooo hard.

sydlexic · 05/04/2013 00:13

Being pregnant when you have no desire to be or not being when it's everything you want causes much misery. That is life sadly.

Lilipaddle · 05/04/2013 00:24

I always think this. My DD wasn't planned, I was on the pill and hadn't missed any but ended up pregnant, and yet I know a woman who has been struggling to conceive for 2 years. It seems so unfair that it's not equal for everyone.

I did read a story a while back about a fertility doctor advising to go "back to basics" and just have very quick, not pre-planned sex. Apparently he thought the stress of "trying" actually inhibited some of the hormones so on. Though you probably have heard all that already.

Wishing you the best of luck completing your family.

99problems · 05/04/2013 00:32

sydlexic so true.

I cannot believe how my life experiences have been so entirely contradictory... Pregnant at 18 to a boy who basically ran off (we'd been together 18 months). I was devastated, petrified, did not want a baby but couldn't go ahead with an abortion - despite having that pill in my hand that would induce one. Followed by anxiety attacks for 9 months and wanting to die.

Fast forward, I adore my ds, and am with a dp who we found out cannot have children - zero sperm count. Zero. Again, devastated. Will never ever forget dp calling me with the results - I had heard of low sperm counts but literally no sperm?? Didn't imagine it in my worst nightmares.

Such is life.

icklemssunshine1 · 05/04/2013 04:25

So true & so sad. To get to the gynae ward for my ERPC after my MC I had to go into maternity. Here I was greeted by a very young girl with a very swollen belly (obviously in labour sitting on a chair) & smoking. Life is unfair/everything happens for a reason ... doesn't make it easier. I wish you all the best OP.

GoshAnneGorilla · 05/04/2013 04:44

Having previously worked on a neonatal unit, I can conclude that fertility is very unfair indeed.

Top tip: a serious drug habit and some prostitution appears to do wonders for the fertility of many women. Awful all round, I know.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 05/04/2013 05:01

Nothing in life is 'fair', right from the start.
The parents you get - are they nice, the country you are born into, your health...

Like Morloth said - shit happens.

You'll feel worse if you become bitter focusing on what others have. Good luck with your plans. Thanks

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound · 05/04/2013 08:34

My friend just had her third baby,anyone looking in would never know the heartache and loss that they went through to have those three. Life isn't fair.

crashdoll · 05/04/2013 08:49

Life is very unfair. :( It's a lottery of luck and nothing to do if you are a 'good' or 'bad' person. As someone said, fertility is just biology - morality doesn't come into it.

Thanks for you.

StickEmUpPunk · 05/04/2013 09:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Crawling · 05/04/2013 09:36

Life isnt fair I may have caught for my 3 in the first month but I didnt want to develop a major mental illness in my teens. hHave two dc with sn one severe. We all have shit thrown at us from life. Even those who appear lucky.

Eskino · 05/04/2013 09:40

Life isn't "fair" or "unfair". It just "is".

Cherriesarelovely · 05/04/2013 09:49

yanbu at all. I spent yesterday comforting a sobbing, desperate, lovely friend whose latest round of ivf has failed. She is absolutely grief stricken. One of the things about fertility that is particularly hard is that there's no guaruntee no matter how hard you work at it or how much time you spend trying.

HoHoHoNoYouDont · 05/04/2013 10:22

YANBU

I also feel the same way when I hear the occasionally of someone who has used abortion as contraception.

TroublesomeEx · 05/04/2013 11:35

YANBU.

Latara · 05/04/2013 11:43

YANBU it isn't fair at all.

One of my friends has been TTC for 2 years and it's very hard.

Another friend is having an early Menopause at just 37.

I could TTC except i have no partner... sometimes i'm tempted to just go for it in case i'm leaving it too late though.

EuroShaggleton · 05/04/2013 12:20

YANBU. There's nothing fair about it. Biology is cruel. A couple of weeks ago, I stood in pain on the tube as I miscarried my long-awaited IVF baby, whilst being squashed by a pregnant women who spent the whole journey crying down the phone to a friend about what a tvvat her partner is. Mr Euro is a wonderful supportive husband and would be a wonderful dad, and yet it is the useless tvvat who was being discussed in that conversation that will get that gift. And no doubt wholly fail to appreciate what he has.

ChairOfTheBored · 05/04/2013 14:35

Euro Flowers

I'm so sorry. It is just so very shit isn't it.

FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick · 05/04/2013 14:45

YANBU. It isn't fair. It's fecking rubbish. I'm sorry you're going through it. It took us 3.5 years, 2 MCs, 1 CP and endless sleepless nights weeping into a pillow but I'm nearly there at 31 weeks now. Still stare in amazement at my big belly. It can happen. I hope it happens for you even against the odds. That goes for everyone out there desperate to have their baby. Thanks

WMittens · 05/04/2013 14:58

Expat said it.

I hope things do go your way, OP.

SmellieWellies · 05/04/2013 15:30

YANBU. it really isn't fair.

Thanks to everyone ttc.

CarpeVinum · 05/04/2013 15:31

Its one of those things where you have to wonder why.

There is no why. It just is.

It's like a millionaire winning the lottery. Random number based draws result in random winners, who are not selected based on any criteria other than pure chance.

In almost every life there will be some rain before it is over. A tragic death, infertitlity, abaondonment, the onset of mental illness, awful diseases; conditions;illnesses;accidents changing lives dramtically, finantial issues so grave people feel crushed beneath them for their adult lifetime..and so on and so on and so on.

Very few people get an almost charmed life where nothing goes horribly wrong, there is no loss, grinding disappointment or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

The rain can feel like a case of quasi deliberate water torture. Making an umbrella to help yourself cope and move forward with any solutions to hand is better rather than railing at the sky yelling "why me and not that ratbag"?

But we are human, so some shouting at the sky while pointing out another "undeserving" person who seemingly (and most unfairly) being better off is a pretty normal part of the process.

OP I'm really sorry you got this news. I hope at the very least you find a way to have the family you want via some other route.

seeminglyso · 05/04/2013 15:41

There is no fairness, there is no justice, there is no god!

Its all just randomness.

Infertility is crushing and an everlasting grief for people. Some of the glib remarks here are evidence of the fact that it is a loss that is intangible to many and not really understood.