AIBU to not ‘like’ FB comment celebrating obesity?

[whethergirl]

Obese friend posted a FB rant, basically saying fuck what everyone else thinks and expects, just be happy with how you look, fuck diets etc. She got over a 100 likes and ?go girl? type comments.

AIBU to think that obesity is nothing likeable particularly, and while I don?t feel anyone should be judged for being obese, I don?t think it?s a cause for celebration either?

Oh, good, this is going to turn into a mental health bashing thread as well is it? Fabulous. Didn't see that one coming.

Saying people with a severe mental health condition should be left to their condition until it kills them, and to do so quietly please is, however, pretty fucking appalling.

OP, I get what you're saying but it's a difficult and circular issue because so much self-esteem and self-acceptance is bound up in some people's weight issues. I'm not sure there's a right answer here (though I do deplore the attitude that acceptance/celebration of being larger/curvier/whatever must come at the price of viciously denigrating thin women. (Rarely men. Funny that, isn't it?)

I think it's quite a subconcious influence and many of us are affected to some degree. We wouldn't think twice about telling a friend that she looked like she'd lost weight (even if she was under weight - we'd be saying, oh you need to put some weight on, aren't you eating, you don't look well etc) and less likely to mention anything if a friend has put on weight.

I think the thing is that no-one should be made to feel ashamed of their size/weight/any-other-physical-trait-actually-now-I-think-of-it. When a positive attitude towards yourself warps into attacking Others, that's when it's a problem. While BMI is by no means a perfect measure, the reason it is still used is that for most people it is a reasonably accurate measure & falling into the obese category does bring an increased risk of various health problems & should thus indeed not be celebrated. Equally, people who are dangerously underweight shouldn't be encouraged to view that as Something Splendid.

thebody
I hope you've contacted the compilers of the DSM with your incredible discovery that anorexia is not the mental illness with the highest mortality rate but a "life choice". Think of all that money being wasted on treating people when they're not really ill! Have you been reading pro-ana websites & got confused? Presumably so, given your suggestion that anorexics need to starve themselves to death "quietly" shows that you're unaware that anorexics are notorious for going to incredible lengths to disguise both their eating habits & resultant weightloss as well as being in denial about the reality of what they're doing. Do you really believe that people with anorexia will be all better if they Just Eat More? I suggest you do a bit of research to find out why that view is not only ridiculous but also deeply offensive. The B-Eat website would be a good place to start.

whethergirl
People do feel very free to comment on bodysize/shape & weight if you are thin; & to be loudly fascinated by what you eat/how much you exercise/if you might have some Magical Weightloss Secret. You're definitely right about people being more willing to mention weightloss than weightgain, too. (Although I sometimes get people praise me for having gained/maintained weight. Euwurgh times a squillion to that.)

MrsDeVere
That sort of Thin Women Are EVIL MONSTERS crap drives me to distraction. "Real women have curves"? So ectomorphs are what, imaginary? I was once training a group of would-be peer-educators including two morbidly obese young women. We were covering Eating Disorders & they kept ranting on about how fit & healthy they were (one of them got breathless walking across the room, seriously) & how all the doctors who'd told them otherwise were WRONG; and they constantly talked over other participants to make sure we all knew that not only are thin women universally undesirable they are, in fact, "disgusting". No-one in the group had so much as looked sideways at either of them much less said anything negative. The only insensitive behaviour about size & weight was almost-unstoppable streams of "thin"-bashing. Not that that behaviour would have been acceptable if everyone in the training had obese, but it does somehow seem worse they were saying this to a group containing some (very) thin people. Of course, thanks to my "life choice" I didn't really think they were talking about me with their "being thin is WRONG" until people started checking I was okay, because whatever my weight there's never any risk of me thinking I'm anything other than elephantine...

She wasn't celebrating or encouraging or glorifying obesity. She was merely rejecting the idea that women cannot allow themselves to be happy or to feel valued unless and until they are physically perfect. That isn't just about fatness, although in her case it may be.

Think you are absolutely right.

I don't judge on how people look. I also know that Facebook doesn't matter.

I do strongly dislike people who continually,without mental cause, without seeking help, deliberately destroy their health. Whether by long term overeating and idleness, or by starving because they think they should look like the horrors on the catwalk. Or by guzzling booze until they vomit.

good health is such a gift and people who don't appreciate it disgust me. I know plenty of people who need it and would look after it.

I get your point, if she is pissed at being judged then she should try and lose weight, if she can handle being judged for being that size, then she shouldn't make a big deal of it.

thebody is a hero. We can now close all the eating disorders units because EDs they are a lifestyle choice, not an illness. Wonderful!!! On average per patient, it costs £2.5k PER WEEK in a specialist eating disorders unit. So, it really will save the NHS a bloody fortune. Well done, thebody your wisdom is out of this world.

Why can't she love herself exactly as she is? If everyone in the world felt like that, the world would be a significantly better place.

I suspect your friend feels nothing of the sort op

Its probably been a bad day for her.

Those 'likes' she gets today, will help her through the rest of her day!

I think if anyone can like themselves as they are today they stand a much better chance of leading a healthy life.
You have to like yourself to take care of yourself

and have a cup-cake

ImperfectPirouette re your example of the two women who seemed to love being obese, I think this is what grates me, the whole denial that it's unhealthy, to the point of slating those who dare to be thin. I am guessing that in most cases it is a coping mechanism, but I just think it a) puts their obesity in the spotlight even more and b) makes it harder to actually do anything about it. And no-one dares say anything, yet I think there is a difference between saying "yeh you're fat and look disgusting/you disgust me" and stating facts "actually, over eating is not good for the body and it's a form of self harming." To use another context, someone who self harms, although should not be judged for the cuts on their arms, aesthetically or otherwise, I also wouldn't expect them to hold their arms up going "arms with scars are sooo much more attractive than ugly unmarked arms."

I also find it slightly ironic that although she is says "fuck your warped vanity", the rant is attached to an album of photos that look like they've been professionally taken, in which she is pouting, flaunting cleavage, sexy posing, and is extremely dolled up (although to be fair, she is dolled up on most days). It would have been more fitting somehow if the rant was by someone who actually couldn't give a shit about how they looked or what people think of them.

MrsDeVere I also saw that MM post on FB, and thought exactly the same thing. One of the people who posted it was my cousin, a male, who for some reason, feels inclined to post regularly about how much he enjoys 'real' women with 'real curves' Mind you he's a twat.

belfastbigmillie - I think, if you love yourself, you don't generally feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. However, I do still admire spirit, as contradicting as it might seem, I would rather that than her hiding away and not getting on with life just because she's overweight.

Feminine that is a good point and actually I hadn't considered that she was ranting for a specific reason - maybe she heard someone say something about her or was judged in some way. This did actually happen at my college (where I met her) and I had to convince her not to leave because of it, and reported the cruel bastards that said it. can I have another cupcake

wethergirl

a cupcake for you...

Thanks for coming back with your feelings/thoughts!

I think time will tell with your friend. I guess you will just have to continue being a good friend to her...

I agree with her that if she doesn't want to diet and she is happy with the way she looks then fine. I do not like it when they go the other way and slag off those that are thin.

If she is being horrible to those that are thin, then she is as bad as those slagging her off for being fat. Everybody fat/thin, tall/small should be happy with themselves and if they aren't then they can try to make a change.

Going on Facebook to get a load of likes is a load of bollocks anyway no matter what you are prattling on about. But you are right, if you were a smoker or took drugs or was making yourself sick after every meal, you would not go on there saying fuck what people think so why when you are overweight.

Being disabled is not a choice so that would be different.

YANBU

Obesity is a health issue and it needs to be seen as one. Everyone should love themselves - fat or thin, but truly loving yourself means not engaging in behaviours which are harmful to your health and long term happiness.

Perhaps she really doesn't give a fuck about what others think. Getting to that stage in life is incredibly liberating. Or perhaps she's got so overweight that she feels that she has now given up and there's no hope for her.

I think the mental issues that go along side the physical issues with being obese are often overlooked by those less sympathetic.

I have a friend who had surgery a few years ago. She's lost a considerable amount of weight but so much of her status updates are about food and her pictures of her eating chocolate, ice cream, crisps and super calorie packed alcoholic drinks. She's starting to out on weight again due to the calorie content of what she is eating (not so much the amount as was the issue before). It's clear she still has issues which the surgery didn't fix and its sad to see that she's slipping back again.

What I'm saying is take a step back and realise that the situation and what she's saying by covering it up with a "don't care" attitude isn't going to be the case.

It is never unreasonable to choose not to "like" something on Facebook.

What made you think that it would be unreasonable?

Do you normally "like" everything that your friends post?

Do you think that they will notice your lack of "liking" it?

Or are you in fact not asking about the reasonableness of it at all?

Yanbu, why would you celebrate ill health and an increased risk of CVD, some cancers and a host of other problems...I'm all for loving your body but not when you are denying all good advice given by public health and clearly leading an unhealthy lifestyle. I'm not on Facebook but this is where I would press the 'do not like' option.

There's a movement known as either the body positive or fat acceptance movement which encourages women to see fat as political and feminist issue as well as one related to health. All bodies are celebrated and 'bashing' a thin person is just as unacceptable and isn't tolerated. There have been a fair few high profile studies questioning the links between obesity and some of the health issues that are related to it. Also the way that obesity is measured (bmi) is challenged as inaccurate.
But mostly the movement is about loving yourself, promoting self esteem, supporting anyone who has been on the receiving and of abuse due to their body and creating networks that provide services for larger women, such as clothes shops and safe and body positive spaces to eat, socialise or exercise.
there is also support for women who want to loose weight but with the underlying ethos that the best way to look after your body is to love it first.
These women often say they are fat and proud and I think that it's a very positive and in no way dangerous movement, not at all the same as pro Ana.

Thanks for that yaimee, I've never heard about that before but just looked it up, it's very very interesting. I'd never even heard of Pro-Ana and am quite about that!

I think whether being obese is a lifestyle choice or not could be argued. Either, it is a choice, in which case - I guess that's up to every indvidual isn't it? Some people smoke, some people drink a lot, some people over eat. However, in the context of FB, if someone wrote "i smoked 40 fags today and still going!" or "drunk for the fifth time this week" then I still would not be inclined to 'like' it.

However, if we see it from the point of view that it's a mental health disorder, then there is no real 'choice' - however, unlike a disabled person (who also has no choice) there may be steps you can take to improve or heal. There are varying degrees and not everyone can be successful though.

Trills it's not really about clicking on 'like' or not. It was just something I felt uncomfortable with. She would not notice whether I liked it or not, and there were a few mutual friends patting her on the back and sharing her rant on their wall, and I wondered if I was missing something, or being unreasonable in not feeling the jubilation and senese of triumph that was being shared.

YANBU. Being at an unhealthy weight is nothing to be proud of.

Sometimes I think shame about your size is helpful and a good thing.

I have no experience of being obese but I have been anorexic since my teens. I am also a teacher. I was too ashamed to go into teaching at a weight that was obviously anorexic and I think that is a good thing. It would be completely unacceptable to portray 5 stone as a realistic and positive weight for adults to children hitting puberty. Obviously the struggles don't go away and I am still a stone underweight but I am in the grey area of 'could be ill but could just be very thin' which saves me from being ashamed and probably saves me from very serious health issues.

'Questioning the links between obesity and health issues' yaimee...I hope you are joking??? Very silly!
Everyone knows BMi is a very crude measurement of healthy weight where waist circumference is slightly more accurate risk factor for CVD.

Hi, I don't think it's unreasonable to not like her post, it's a free country and you're not obliged to like anything.
I have to say though I personally think that while your friend could possibly do with losing a bit of weight to improve her health, she has a very positive attitude. It may not be healthy to be big, but if she's happy in herself then that's her perogative and she's also entitled to put up what she likes on her wall. I'm very overweight at the mo and a size 26, and till recently I've had no problem with it. (I keep getting told I look like Dawn French, except now she's slimmer than me bugger it!) The only reason I'm now doing something about it is because I want to be more healthy and able to play with my 17 month old DS. (To make sure I stick to it I'm doing a sponsored slim in aid of Macmillan)
Big women who slate thin ones are definitely very self-conscious. TBH anyone who slates anyone for their shape are gits in my book.