Weird MIL situation - AIBU or is she?

[TheBookofRuth]

My MIL lives in a fairly remote bit of the country, quite some distance from DH and I. Ever since DD was born, just over a year ago, she has gone on and on (and on and on) at me to bring DD up for a visit - just me, as she knows DH doesn't get enough time off to come with us.

This is not something I want to do for a number of reasons, not least of which is that it would involve a five hour train journey each way, and I've said so, politely. However, the three of us did all go up at Christmas (even though we'd have really preferred to spend DD's first Christmas in our own home), have promised to all go up for a few days in the summer, and I have repeatedly said that she is always welcome to come and stay with us (she drives, and has the money to travel first class if she wanted to, plus wouldn't be travelling with a toddler, so it's easier for her.)

However, she won't let it go and asks about every time we speak. We called her over the Easter weekend, she asked again, I reiterated that it wasn't possible but that the three of us would come up in the summer and in the meantime she was welcome here - and got a very sniffy "well you just let me know when you'll deign to come up and I'll be here" in response.

So far so mundane, but what makes it weird, to my mind, is that the past couple of times when I've seen her, she has got me alone (quite literally told DH to take DD and "leave Ruth and I to have a chat") and proceeded to talk at me about DH's ex-GF - how they'd all loved her, assumed she was their future daughter-in-law, how much the ex adored DH and how devastated she was when they broke up (she left him, btw!), how they'd all thought it was very sudden when DH and I got together and assumed it was a rebound thing (I didn't even meet DH till several months after the break-up, btw, it had nothing to do with me!)

Quite apart from the fact that DH and I have been together for ten years, and married for five, so why being this up now, what exactly is she expecting this to achieve other than pissing me off?! It hardly makes me more inclined to want to spend time with her.

I'm not BU, am I? Or are DILs everywhere all rushing to leave their DHs behind and go and spend time with their MILs??

YANBU. I adore my MIL but I still wouldn't visit on my own with DS in those circumstances (small village, you not driving)! It would just feel really odd without DH.

I would be very annoyed about the "deign to come up" comment, very rude indeed especially when you went there for Christmas and will go again in the summer.

Next time you do see her, perhaps you could reminisce over some old boyfriends and their mothers.

'Fred was a bit of a twit, actually, but his mother was ever so lovely. I remember having lovely chats over cups of tea with her. Such a shame'

About 30 posts ago OP asked how close I am living to my MIL. Answer is about 5 mins. But that's also sort of my point. I do go to see her because she's close but also because she's lovely and I like spending time with her. Even without DP. But I can do this because I know her well and I know her well because we have spent time together.

I was just wondering if her discussions of exGF were like I said a hamfisted badly thought through wierd way of trying to build a relationship with you in your own right. Or maybe like others have said she's starting to lose her confidence.

I am with those who's suggest it is the start of cognitive decline. She is becoming self absorbed and unable to see that her attempts at manipulating you are going to have the opposite effect. Reluctance to leave home or to see things as others do are typical.

. It isn't something to worry about too much as she might not get worse for years but I would be very wary of suggesting it to her dh as a possibility slice she functions perfectly well and it will cause distress and probably anger and hurt too.

At least I hope you can understand it isn't really you she is getting at as her personality might be changing.

YANBU. And about the ex thing, definitely weird. Maybe as others have said it is a medical thing. But you're post had me wondering if it is an attempt to undermine you in your role of wife and mother - maybe because she's feeling snubbed (and undermined) about not being visited as a grandparent.

FWIW my parents are pretty rubbish about making the effort to visit, would much rather be visited upon. I think they take this cue from my grandparents, who never came to visit, but had to be dragged visit them for a whole Sunday every fortnight. Is it maybe an old-school view on being a grandparent, and this and and the snide stuff has all got rolled up together?

YADNBU - she can make the effort to come to you for pity's sake if its that important to her. My own mother and stepfather drive me batty asking us to come see them with our toddler and 2 month old. They see us all the time but it doesn't ever seem to count unless its at their house - and you never met two people with less to do either.

I'd just tell her you prefer if she visit as it is more difficult for you to travel with a toddler and without your DH to help out.

She is being unreasonable. Too far to travel on your own with young kids! And as you said she could visit. I do visit my mil without dh but she is local.

Fwiw my gran lives a 6 hour train ride away and I either go on my own (ie leave dc with dh) or we all go together. As for talking about ex girlfriend totally weird probably just to annoy you as not visiting - ask your dh to talk to her about it.

That's a long journey to do with a very small person and quite honestly I can't see why you'd want to visit your MIL without your DH. Does she not want to see him too? My PILs sometimes come to see me and DD when DH is not here but we would never do it the other way round because I find them extremely hard work and would prefer to have him with me to shoulder half the burden! They are, of course, welcome here even though I don't exactly like them because I want DD to have a nice relationship with them. But visiting them in the back of beyond with nothing to do and without DH? No. Just NO.

Also, talking about your husband's ex is just plain rude. Either get your husband to have a word about it or ask her point blank (she will be either massively rude in which case you have the perfect get out for future visits or so embarrassed that she never mentions it again so win win).

Bookofruth I seriously think we might have the same MIL (my FIL is just as bad) she does the exact same thing. After from me brings grandbaby to visit, but she wants the president set now for when we do. DH can't get time off.

I was bowing to the pressure but I managed to keep my resolve due to their adoration of ex-dil even after she (ex wife) gloated on the day we buried our baby they STILL had a relationship with her.
I was very straight with them they would NEVER have a relationship with me with her in their lives oh and to STFU about her I don't ever want her name said in my presence again.

In this situation be straight with them ( maybe politer than i did...) your DH has only one wife YOU.

The bigging up your DH's ex is very very weird. Continue to resist all requests to travel all that way to see her, she's obviously loopy.

Oh could people please stop thinking that if someone's self obsessed then they are suffering from Alzheimer's? OP, your MIL is selfish and lazy and wants to show her grandchild off to her friends.

If she were going senile she would think the OP was the ex, not want to talk about her. She's basically saying, "The ex was lovely and if she was still around she'd be visiting me and I'd be happy." Making sure your husband is out of the way is a sure sign that she's not senile.

I agree- the visiting thing is normal-ish, though unpleasant MiL stuff. The ex girlfriend thing is weird and hurtful. Maybe ask your DH to have a word along the lines of "i know you didn't mean any harm but it hurts x's (your) feelings when you talk to her about my ex GF" or whatever? Although I really know that is easier said that done. She sounds awful.

I'm with Imperial. Surely if this was really out of character OP's husband would be surprised at her behaviour and wonder if there was something behind it? Just sounds like he's shrugging his shoulders and saying, "that's mum".

Next time she starts bleating about coming to visit say something like, "I know you had him a whole ago, but would you have fancied traveling with DH for five hours on public transport on your own when he was a year old? I knew you'd remember MIL, you're a good sort. Now, when are you coming to see my fabulous new spare room?". Cheerfully manipulative, that's what you want. Blank any attempts at a tantrum- huffing, puffing or otherwise.

And as for the ex-gf....I wouldn't worry about it, probably just trying to get a rise out of you. That's another thing that puts me off the dementia/Alzheimer's thing, she's no just coming out with this stuff when it occurs to her. She's getting you on your own to be a cock to you without an audience. That's planning right there, I don't think you can be that Machiavellian with a deteriorating mind.

DIY that made me really laugh. I agree she's being manipulative - although why do relatives with cars / no small children always expect you to go to them? V unreasonable.

Yanbu at all, she should come to you. Don't feel guilty and get your dh to tell her to stop being so bloody rude or she isn't welcome at all!

I bet she wants you to go up because she's told the whole village about her new grandchild. Wants to show you/grandchild off, demonstrate how much she is loved by her DS and his family, how close you all are etc.

The exGF thing is weird though, especially after ten years. Maybe she's just run out of things to talk about and/or people to talk to about whatever occupies her mind?! The only solution to that (works a treat with my DM) is "erm, not sure I'm the right person to be telling this to...unless you're trying to tell me something?? Well, are you??".