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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird MIL situation - AIBU or is she?

66 replies

TheBookofRuth · 02/04/2013 14:44

My MIL lives in a fairly remote bit of the country, quite some distance from DH and I. Ever since DD was born, just over a year ago, she has gone on and on (and on and on) at me to bring DD up for a visit - just me, as she knows DH doesn't get enough time off to come with us.

This is not something I want to do for a number of reasons, not least of which is that it would involve a five hour train journey each way, and I've said so, politely. However, the three of us did all go up at Christmas (even though we'd have really preferred to spend DD's first Christmas in our own home), have promised to all go up for a few days in the summer, and I have repeatedly said that she is always welcome to come and stay with us (she drives, and has the money to travel first class if she wanted to, plus wouldn't be travelling with a toddler, so it's easier for her.)

However, she won't let it go and asks about every time we speak. We called her over the Easter weekend, she asked again, I reiterated that it wasn't possible but that the three of us would come up in the summer and in the meantime she was welcome here - and got a very sniffy "well you just let me know when you'll deign to come up and I'll be here" in response.

So far so mundane, but what makes it weird, to my mind, is that the past couple of times when I've seen her, she has got me alone (quite literally told DH to take DD and "leave Ruth and I to have a chat") and proceeded to talk at me about DH's ex-GF - how they'd all loved her, assumed she was their future daughter-in-law, how much the ex adored DH and how devastated she was when they broke up (she left him, btw!), how they'd all thought it was very sudden when DH and I got together and assumed it was a rebound thing (I didn't even meet DH till several months after the break-up, btw, it had nothing to do with me!)

Quite apart from the fact that DH and I have been together for ten years, and married for five, so why being this up now, what exactly is she expecting this to achieve other than pissing me off?! It hardly makes me more inclined to want to spend time with her.

I'm not BU, am I? Or are DILs everywhere all rushing to leave their DHs behind and go and spend time with their MILs??

OP posts:

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 02/04/2013 15:16

My MIL lives about 10 mins away from us and hell would have to freeze over before I would go on my own, never mind traveling for hours with a toddler! Similar to your MIL, mine actually sat me down with 2 photo albums just after me and DH got engaged, she sat and made sure I looked at every single picture in the 2 photo albums of DH's first bloody wedding

BabsAndTheRu · 02/04/2013 15:16

MothershipG that's another good point, mil only travels locally as well as knows she hasn't the concentration or confidence. Pretty sure she got lost on a 30mile trip but won't admit it.

PommePoire · 02/04/2013 15:17

'bring' on personality changes, sorry for the typo.

PommePoire · 02/04/2013 15:18

Gosh, TicketyBoo, that's horrible. Maybe I'm being naive and this comapring with ex-girlfriends thing is not unusual after all

Original poster

TheBookofRuth · 02/04/2013 15:19

God I feel horrible now thinking there might be something the matter with her. Any suggestions for how I raise the possibility with DH?

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 02/04/2013 15:22

Just ask him straight out. Is FIL still about too? Could he talk to his dad on the phone alone and check she was ok?

Original poster

TheBookofRuth · 02/04/2013 15:24

DH's parents are divorced and remarried. I suspect MIL's husband would just get defensive if asked, though I could be wrong.

OP posts:

EverythingIsTicketyBoo · 02/04/2013 15:25

Yes I'm afraid to report that after 9 years together and 3 grandchildren there has been no sign of any mental deterioration, she just wanted me to know where her preferences were, DH and xw didn't have children, so no complications there :(

Ruth I would second the advice, every time she says it, counter it with a 'well surely it's our turn to have you here' also make DH ask why she thinks she should be talking about his ex.

Luckily DH had words with her about making me look at his wedding pics and our wedding made that one look like a cheap fancy dress party she has never mentioned the x again.

BabsAndTheRu · 02/04/2013 15:27

With what you are describing its just something to be aware of at the moment rather than a big concern especially if she is not on her own. It's something that is a good idea to get your DH to discuss with her DH if everything is alright. If her DH has noticed any difference in her mood, memory etc then a trip to the docs is needed. Remember this is just a suggestion, may not be the case but if she normally is not rude like this then it is a possibility.

BabsAndTheRu · 02/04/2013 15:29

Xpost with DontmindifIdo

PommePoire · 02/04/2013 15:32

Sorry, Ruth I didn't mean to guilt you, or frighten your DH with the possibility that MIL is showing signs of something sinister. Quite likely I was inferring far too much from you mentioning that you'd always thought her to be fond of you. Has she msotly always been pleasant and friendly over they years? If so, it might just be the arrival of your DD has made her feel she wants to see more of you all but she's going about expressing this in a really childish and hurtful way.

PommePoire · 02/04/2013 15:36

Flip sake! I'm queen of the failed spell check today, sorry.

PoohBearsHole · 02/04/2013 15:36

How old is she? My dsis gets most upset that my dp's won't go and stay. They come up with every excuse under the sun, they don't stay with any of us but they have had health issues and df inparticular would struggle to remember where the bathroom was in the middle of sleep stupor. They don't stay as they don't feel comfortable with the idea, oh and dsis has taken great offence to all this and so makes them even less welcome...........never ending!

Bringing up the ex is weird, wanting to have you to stay isn't, being out of comfort zone isn't odd either. Having dc changes everyone including the gps! Good luck

DontmindifIdo · 02/04/2013 15:40

Thing is, if there's no health issues, then even if she doesn't like being out of her comfort zone, the OP could say the same, and it's harder to adapt with a baby than just an adult. Would Step-dad travel with her?

If it's just that she's rather you were put out than she is, then don't play the game.

TheCatInTheHairnet · 02/04/2013 15:40

Perhaps it's her really, really inappropriately way of telling you she wants to get to know you better. She obviously had a great relationship with the ex Gf and maybe would like to have that kind of relationship with you.

People can say the weirdest things when something is important to them.

magimedi · 02/04/2013 15:59

Ruth - Before I even read what mother & someone else said dementia/alzheimers came straight to my mind. Losinf social inhibitions & not wanting to be away from home can be very early indicators.

Maybe your DH could have a word with MILs GP?

Original poster

TheBookofRuth · 02/04/2013 16:00

Ok, I'll not panic about the dementia thing but will keep an eye out.

She's in her 60s, so I guess she could find staying away from home disruptive, but as someone else has commented, so does DD. We are only now just starting to get her to sleep through the night, so I'm not keen to take her away anywhere till we've cracked that, plus she would miss her beloved Daddy! Also, as I've mentioned MIL lives in a very remote area, and as I don't drive and there's no real public transport we'd be stuck there for the duration, and there's very little to do in their village with a lively one year old.

I'm not saying we'll never visit, just that I'd rather not do so on my own, especially when DD is so small.

OP posts:

TapirBackRider · 02/04/2013 16:01

YANBU - the road goes both ways, and it is unreasonable to expect you to do all the travelling etc if she's not prepared to do the same occassionally.

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 16:11

As a MIL I always try to look at both sides but this does strike me as slightly odd behaviour. It is always easier to travel that sort of distance when you aren't the one with the toddler. Having said this, my former MIL seemed almost obsessed with the idea that we had to make a certain number of visits to them despite the fact that at one point we had 2 dcs under 2. No matter how often I suggested they stayed with us, my MIL appeared to be keeping some sort of score and wouldn't be budged from her "but it's your turn to come up to us", stance.

The constantly referring to your DHs ex is just plain peculiar too.

TryDrawing · 02/04/2013 16:34

No, it's not just you. That is odd behaviour. Not unusual though, my MIL is also a mad old bat little odd. We've seen a lot less of them since before dd (18mo) was born because a number of things have made it difficult for us to go there. For reasons best known to themselves, they choose not to come to us very often.

MIL took me to one side during her last visit and told me that she now understands the "a son's a son 'til he finds a wife" thing to be true. I could have told her that I had to practically nag dh's ear off to get him to invite them for a weekend, he's just too laid back to bother. But that would be mean, so I just smiled, nodded vaguely and decided not to bother nagging him again.

TryDrawing · 02/04/2013 16:37

I do still remind him to call them if it's been more than a month though. Not sure why, he's a perfectly capable adult. I just feel bad for them that he doesn't seem particularly bothered about regular contact, even though they occasionally do my head in.

digerd · 02/04/2013 16:58

It definitely is not for you with very young child to put yourself out in these circumstances.
MIL is not alone, she has a DH. Is he retired? If so, then he can drive if MIL is nervous of doing so. I know many women in their 60s who don't drive long distances anymore or to places they don't know. < also know 70 year-olds who are still fearless>. Their DHs do it.

Stick to your guns - you and your DC come first.

ElliesWellies · 02/04/2013 17:08

Can't your DH phone her with a specific invite, e.g. we'd love you to come and stay on x weekend?

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/04/2013 17:14

Mothership

I was going to suggest the same.

The fact that this is odd behaviour from here, maybe the fact that she is losing her confidence to drive down herself

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 02/04/2013 17:15

her not here

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