Am I the world's most unfair mother?

[allchocolatedout]

I need to get some persepctive on this so what better way than to throw myself on the mercy of aibu?!

DS1 is 16. He is pretty bright, but incredibly lazy. He has never put in any effort at school and at times there have been issues wth his behaviour at school. Parents evenings have always been cringeworthy and sometimes utterly hideous.

He is now in year 11. All his teachers have said he is capable of A grades with some effort. His predicted grades are Bs. He is getting between C and U, averaging around a D. He takes no responsibility, lies about results, puts in no effort etc etc.

We have maintained a very good and positive relationship with the school - we have a lot of contact with teachers, due to his lack of effort. The school really have bent over backwards and I don't think they could do any more, other than sitting exams for him.

We are now in the realms of re-sits, plus more exams due in may and June.

We have tried everything possible over the years to get him to work hard. We have had periods of backing off, which produced nothing. Enforced revision, which resulted in him sitting with books, not revising.

As an aside he has a few chores which are meant to be done in order to earn the £40 per month pocket money which he can get. This includes waching up after dinner each night - we have a dishwasher so he basically has to stack it, wash up the stuff that can't go in and wipe the surfaces. I tend to wash up as I go along anyway so there really isn't much. I would say at least 3 nights a week it isn't done properly. He has to clean the bathroom once a week, on a set day. Only an antibac wipes clean. Invariably this isn't done or is done very badly.

He has had numerous chances and has previously lost his xbox, phone or internet due to not doing school work.

We have now reached a point where the wifi password has been changed and he is not allowed access to it. We are currently averaging 2-3 letters a week from the school - sometimes regarding extra revision classes, other times stating that he hasn't attended or is behind with work. Then there are phone calls from teachers.

He was told that to earn the wi fi password, this has to change. It hasn't. He also gets no pocket money as the quality of the jobs he does is so dire. However, he is currently still doing them.

The password has been given back to him on occasion where he seems to be putting in more effort. Always, within days his attitude is bad and he gets detentions for not doing homework, so the password is changed again.

It is now the Easter holidays and he wants to go out. Apparently, all arragnments are made on facebook so he is missing out. He also has hardly any money. Plus he has revision classes for 4 days over the two weeks. He wants a trial period with the internet back. I have refused as he has used up all chances. As a compromise I have said he can have a small amount of access on the family pc. So he has been on this morning to discover that he has been thrown out of a certain group he attends as he hasn't been to any meet ups or practises. Apparently this is all my fault as I have removed the internet, even though he had warnings before it was removed and knew what he had to do to keep it. It is also my fault he has no money, as I should give it to him as his mother.

AAAAARRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

So, am I being unreasonable? Part of me thinks I may be, as he is 16, has no internet and no money. He does earn a very small amount with some occasional work he can do for my dad, between £15 to £40 per month. His phone is very basic as he has broken all nice phones, plus he has no credit as he has no money. But he just has to revise and do his chores, then he can have them. But he obviously wants them re-instated and then do the work.

He has now stropped off as he is upset at being thrown out of this group and I am wondering where it all went wrong.

So wise mumsnetters. What do I do now?!

Have you ever sat down and had a 'we're both grown ups, let's sort this out together' chat?

Maybe even go to a coffee shop or find somewhere different to have it from your normal routine, just to reinforce the difference

Get him to outline the problem as he sees it - no solutions, just problems, fears, worries, etc. Write them down on one half of a piece of paper and then when he's finished tell him your worries/fears/problems etc about his situation. Then discuss his problems etc, then your problems etc and finally discuss the two in relation to each other and see how big the overlap is or isn't, whether ther are mixed messages or things where previously you've been talking at cross purposes or you've completely underestimated or not seen something as an issue when it is - obviously you both need to do this, not just you. end up with a combined list of your joint top 5 issues. When discussing his list it's important not to dismiss things or say they are silly - if they are his fears and are part of the problem then they are important and need to be dealt with seriously and sympathetically.

Then it's time to go through both lists and make an action plan - work through them and decide if they are serious/high priority or not, and how easy they will be to tackle. Work through the serious/easy ones first and then a few of the other easy ones so that you both get used to seeing solutions and working them out. Then tackle the serious difficult ones - more difficult ones can maybe be split into smaller chunks but acknowledge that you know it will be difficult and emphasise that you want to support him as much as you can (by providing right conditions for him to work rather than doing his work!)

Get your ds to suggest as many solutions as he can - but also get him to suggest motivates and what you should do to help him if he starts slipping.

At the start of the talk lay out your agenda and aims, and let your son have an input to it too so he really feels like it is a joint venture that he has an equal part in rather than it being just another nag nag nag from mum. Point out this is what you would do if you had a problem at work (or if not applicable to you then say a general this is how adults would sort out problems at work), finally, agree to try this for say a week or month and then say you'll both sit down and have a review session, It's going to be an evolving process rather than something set in stone - and I'd ds is unhappy with something or has an idea then he can call a meeting too.

If this is stating the obvious or what you do already then apologies as from previous posts it sounds like previously you've talked as an exasperated mum talking at or nagging your ds rather than the above approach.

And apologies too if it's a bit disjointed or cross posts with anybody; on my phone and lots of interruptions from the dc this am!