Am I the world's most unfair mother?

[allchocolatedout]

I need to get some persepctive on this so what better way than to throw myself on the mercy of aibu?!

DS1 is 16. He is pretty bright, but incredibly lazy. He has never put in any effort at school and at times there have been issues wth his behaviour at school. Parents evenings have always been cringeworthy and sometimes utterly hideous.

He is now in year 11. All his teachers have said he is capable of A grades with some effort. His predicted grades are Bs. He is getting between C and U, averaging around a D. He takes no responsibility, lies about results, puts in no effort etc etc.

We have maintained a very good and positive relationship with the school - we have a lot of contact with teachers, due to his lack of effort. The school really have bent over backwards and I don't think they could do any more, other than sitting exams for him.

We are now in the realms of re-sits, plus more exams due in may and June.

We have tried everything possible over the years to get him to work hard. We have had periods of backing off, which produced nothing. Enforced revision, which resulted in him sitting with books, not revising.

As an aside he has a few chores which are meant to be done in order to earn the £40 per month pocket money which he can get. This includes waching up after dinner each night - we have a dishwasher so he basically has to stack it, wash up the stuff that can't go in and wipe the surfaces. I tend to wash up as I go along anyway so there really isn't much. I would say at least 3 nights a week it isn't done properly. He has to clean the bathroom once a week, on a set day. Only an antibac wipes clean. Invariably this isn't done or is done very badly.

He has had numerous chances and has previously lost his xbox, phone or internet due to not doing school work.

We have now reached a point where the wifi password has been changed and he is not allowed access to it. We are currently averaging 2-3 letters a week from the school - sometimes regarding extra revision classes, other times stating that he hasn't attended or is behind with work. Then there are phone calls from teachers.

He was told that to earn the wi fi password, this has to change. It hasn't. He also gets no pocket money as the quality of the jobs he does is so dire. However, he is currently still doing them.

The password has been given back to him on occasion where he seems to be putting in more effort. Always, within days his attitude is bad and he gets detentions for not doing homework, so the password is changed again.

It is now the Easter holidays and he wants to go out. Apparently, all arragnments are made on facebook so he is missing out. He also has hardly any money. Plus he has revision classes for 4 days over the two weeks. He wants a trial period with the internet back. I have refused as he has used up all chances. As a compromise I have said he can have a small amount of access on the family pc. So he has been on this morning to discover that he has been thrown out of a certain group he attends as he hasn't been to any meet ups or practises. Apparently this is all my fault as I have removed the internet, even though he had warnings before it was removed and knew what he had to do to keep it. It is also my fault he has no money, as I should give it to him as his mother.

AAAAARRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH

So, am I being unreasonable? Part of me thinks I may be, as he is 16, has no internet and no money. He does earn a very small amount with some occasional work he can do for my dad, between £15 to £40 per month. His phone is very basic as he has broken all nice phones, plus he has no credit as he has no money. But he just has to revise and do his chores, then he can have them. But he obviously wants them re-instated and then do the work.

He has now stropped off as he is upset at being thrown out of this group and I am wondering where it all went wrong.

So wise mumsnetters. What do I do now?!

When you find the solution, give me a shout.

I have a workshy dd. Call from the 6th form care team a week before coursework deadline to tell me she hadn't yet submitted anything for English Language. Then a call a few days later to say she hadn't done her Film studies coursework either.

Cue one very angry me, telling dd she would be spending every waking hour until they were done. So sick of it now.

She has the holidays to work on a revision timetable to present back at school. I know it's a pointless exercise as she won't stick to it anyway.

It really gets to me as she is so bright, if she put some effort in, she'd be on for As and Bs but at this rate she'll be lucky to scrape Es.

Blob i take your point. But why i should i provide internet access for free for someone that can't be bothered to do anything. Backing off is impossible when i get constant calls and letters from the school. I have told the school i will pass on the messages but that i will no longer nag as it does no good.
Surely by providing internet and money for nothing i would be treating him like a small child. He has the option to go and earn them himself, he just chooses not to.

I have looked into add previously and although he has some traits, we have been told he doesn't have it but i do think he is probably on the lower scale of the spectrum.

I do think he will probably fail some of his exams, i just don't know what to do abouthuis internet thing now. Its causing so many rows but surely backing down now will send completely the wrong message?

Its causing so many rows but surely backing down now will send completely the wrong message?

Don't think of it as backing down now. More that you have done all that could be reasonably expected. At 16, the ball has to be in his court. All the while you do the worrying and planning on his behalf you remove the need for him to bother. At 16 he is quite old enough to realise the consequences of not achieving his potential. If he fails, he fails. Ultimately he has to want to succeed.

And yes, I have also been where you are now. Ds2 was bright and charming but exceedingly indolent. It took a rather surprising interview at college when he received some home truths from the admissions tutor for him to buckle down and fit 2 years work into 6 months. The decision was his.

Gosh there's a lot going on and you have my sympathies.

Dd2 was a little like your son at GCSE. She was capable of A/As but didn't want to put the work in and ending up getting a mixture of A-Ds. She got such a shock, especially with her English results, 2Bs instead of the predicted 2As, that she really pulled her socks up for her A levels. She realised unless she got outstanding results at AS level, she wouldn't be going to the university she'd set her heart on. Her whole attitude changed, she did very well and she starts uni in Sept.

I truly think that if I'd nagged (sorry hate that term, but that's how they see it) she probably would have worked a bit harder, but she wouldn't have had the shock and learnt a lesson. I would then have had to nag her about her AS level exams.

The timetable and rewards are a great idea so do that, then let him get on with it. If he fails his GSCEs he will have to do something else or resist them, but that will be his decision and because of his behaviour.

I'd also add, as your DH is very driven etc, does your son think he could match up to that, is he a bit frightened to work hard in case it doesn't come off.? Just a thought. Good luck!

resit

I would get him some work experience in fields he thinks he may like and take him to see some universities and look through prospectuses for inspiration - maybe if he sees people and jobs that he could achieve with effort and what university is like it may help - couple that with work experience in low skilled jobs that he would have to consider if he didn't work and he might see more reason.

Also see if any careers advisors offer any services for young people that he could further innvestigate what future he wants.

RE the internet- can you allow him to use after say, 8.30/9pm? Which gives him plenty of time for work and socialising.

I really feel for you. You can't do anything else now, it is up to him.

He could retake his gcse's next year and maybe start one a level.

A level and beyond is all about self initiated learning and self discipline which he is not capable of at the moment. He obviously has to want to do it - the example of the club he was kicked out of is his fault regardless of the Internet - he could have called and spoken to the leaders and other members if he was aware that there was no internet access or gone to an internet cafe or library - it is an excuse and you shouldn't feel guilty on that count - or any - he has had opportunity to correct his behaviour and not taken it - he needs to learn responsibility.

Briefly, I don't think YABU, just wanted to let you know DS1 was in a very similar place about 8 yrs ago, he suddenly woke up and took an interest in upper sixth, is now doing a professional degree following an academic degree very motivated and committed- he was also always v pleasant and well behaved at school but lazy etc at home. Doesn't make it any easier when you are going through it as I know because DS2 currently doing much the same, but with LDs thrown into the mix.

so you are unlikely to be the most unfair mother (that'll be me )

Punishing him for lack of effort isn't working and causes ongoing tension. It also gives him something to focus on. He will be 'punished' anyway if he gets poor grades, so in effect he's being punished twice.

Don't keep discussing school things with him. He probably switches off as soon as the 's' word is mentioned. He either thinks, as you suggest, that you're wrong about the amount of work he needs to do, or he's just sick to the back teeth of endless talk about exams. Does he feel valued for anything else do you think? He might be feeling pressured, this might be his way of rebelling or he might just not have any self-discipline - this will hopefully come when he realises the consequences of his lack of effort for himself, or, having done well without studying he might be frightened to apply himself in case he doesn't do as well as he'd hope to.

Negotiate chores with him perhaps. One bigger task at the weekend instead perhaps? FWIW he probably feels very hard done by - he'll feel that all his mates are not required to do chores because their parents are happy to give them pocket money just because they're nice, IYSWIM.

You have my sympathy - my DD is a bit like this regarding schoolwork. Underperforming. It's soo frustrating.

Go to visit any local unis on open days to open his eyes to his future, as suggested above.

I remember taking my DCs to open days at unis (with a view to them going) and it was fun and looked great to them. So I should prob have taken them along earlier, just for a look.

OP I could have written your post acouple of years ago. My DS is bright but quite lazy. It is very upsetting.

We have managed to keep DS in education by his fingetips, albeit with mediocre underachieving grades. He has now almost completed a foundation course at a good Uni with pretty good marks and will start his degree proper next year. He has finally found a bit of pride and a competitive streak to do well.

What has helped;

• Getting a gruelling part time job washing up in a local hotel and meeting people who would probably be doing that sort of job for the rest of their lives.
• Seeing peple much less bright than him getting better results, and hearing me and DH praise them.
• Fear of being left behind when his mates went off to Uni.

But mostly OP, just growing up has made a massive difference to my son. At 19 he is suddenly anxious to prove something to his very bright new girlfriend and new mates at Uni. He is like a different person.
I would say just hang on in there and focus on the good stuff in his personality. I am so sorry that I spent so much time being angry with my son; it didn't really achieve anything and our relationship has never quite recovered.

I wince when I hear teachers say things like: you're so bright, you could get bs with just a bit of effort. It's a false message. His idea of 'a bit of effort' is clearly very different from theirs, and DC should always be encouraged to work hard.

My only suggestion is that you stop trying to solve the problem of him. As others have said, he's not causing you any serious bother - he's not in danger, he's just colossally underachieving. Put the responsibility onto him, not in a penalising way, but in a supportive way. He doesn't need a carrot or a stick from you. He needs to learn how to set up his own stick/carrot system and part of that process for lots of teens is to fail first. To see how little they can get away with.

one thing you could do is to ask him to do an experiment with you. Just once, for one evening only, sit down and really work hard, focus on a subject that's coming up and do more prep for it that school has asked for. Then find out how he feels. If he feels good about himself, confident and proud, it might be easier to suggest he repeats the experience.

Ask him what he thinks he needs to do to get on target for each exam. Ask how much work he thinks this will take. Ask how motivated he feels about each exam. Ask if he'd like to ditch one or two and focus on a core six or however many and try to ace them. Just ask and listen instead of jumping in with sanctions and rewards, both of which are more appropriate for smaller children.

You could also offer to test him on work, or look over his assignments for him. that way you get to keep an eye on what he's doing without nagging. You can check whether he knows a subject. IME, the more work DC put in, the more enthusiastic they get, but it's so easy to lapse into a cycle of getting behind and losing enthusiasm because you don't know where to start.

Tell him he can have internet connection and money only once he has caught up with everything. Make a list of everything that has to be done and tick them off one at a time as he does things. Make the list long and thorough - covering everything. Get teacher confirmation if necessary. It might take a month or two.

My DH was apparently like this, bright, charming, well-liked by peers and teachers but utterly utterly lazy and lacking in academic ambition. I'm afraid he didn't "get it" until he was about 24! (About a year after I met him, I like to think I had a good influence).

His school and parents came down very hard and it had the opposite effect to the one intended, he would improve in the short term but very quickly let it all slide. Average gcse results were followed by wholesale a level failure. Did slightly better with A level resits, think he did different subjects in fact. (He saw his mates go off to uni and didn't much like being left at home). He then went to an ok uni (poly at the time) and got a decent degree by dint of some very last minute late night work. Got a good job because of contacts and charm - then progressed from there via a massive shock which came about due to his arsing about, at which point he really really pulled his socks up (age 24...) and ended up in a great job, well paid, good prospects.

DH has said that he wished someone had really explained to him how life chances / opportunities work - eg you want the salary or the fun of university, or the oppportuity to play sport somewhere with great facilities, act, do music ,whatever here's how you get there. And the steps to that are x y and z. But even so that's hindsight and I imagine people did say that to him, but perhaps it wasn't spelt out beyond "you need good grades to succeed".

I can only suggest that you ask ds what he wants , he may not know what career he wants, but what sort of life he wants - travelling, money, helping people, etc. then work back as to how he might achieve that step by step, breaking it into smaller and smaller parts. Eventually you get to needing some sort of qualification, even if we're only talking 5 gcses at A-C. Then it's tiny tiny steps for each exam. Tiny amounts of work at a time until he builds up stamina. Never with nagging or criticising or a sense of being disappointed in him.
Allow him limited access to the Internet, small allowance, one or two outside interests. Don't cut it all out because then there is nothing left to lose so he may as well do nothing.

Either that or stand back, watch him fail and let him think through how he's going to pick up the pieces. Let him do the thinking for himself, but I'd still give him the small allowance and limited Internet usage. When he's worked out he needs to work and has demonstrated it, or has found and stuck to a part time job, increase Internet a little bit but not so much he can get waylaid by it. Unfortunately it may take seeing his friends moving on to make him engage, ie a year or two from now.

Or look at what he want to do next. Take him to the connexions/prospects office for careers advice or take an on line psychometric test to work out what careers would suit. They look at the qualifications needed.

Aw bless, he sounds quite sweet really, still doing his chores badly and being nice round the house. What does he SAY about why he doesn't work? Has he just lost his bottle because it all feels too overwhelming? He doesn't sound as though he will be ready to do a degree in two years, so maybe A levels now aren't the best idea.

I can only offer an example of a friend who messed up and made good. Aged 18, my friend failed all his A-levels because he hadn't done any work and had drunk too much.

He redid them, then did extremely well in a 4-year, academic and intense degree (4 years because it was in Scotland), then got onto a very competitive graduate training programme and is now , in his early 30s, a fairly high-ranking civil servant.

He's also happily married and expecting a baby, and regularly competes in sports. The teenage bum has grown up.

he makes me cuppas without being asked. Will babysit his younger brothers. Bought me a very thorughtful birthday present etc.
He is a prefect
....quality of the jobs he does is so dire. However, he is currently still doing them.

Seems like you are way too hard on him. It sounds too much like you are saddling him with your expectations academically, when he needs to find his own way (however painful for you to watch). I have bright-but-can't-be-asked teen, too, I know a little how it feels. Yours sounds like quite a decent person otherwise (being a decent person is a huge achievement for many, let's face it).

I think he should get partial money for the chores, instead of nothing even if there are partial chores.

I think I would try a similar system of some WiFi for meeting some of the academic or revision targets.

It sounds like you are doing too much for him and have set up a complicated system of rewards that just is not working. He needs to be responsible for himself. Stop handing out slivers of internet time like chocolate buttons. Stop giving him an allowance. Stand back and let him figure it out himself. Most of my friends with teenage boys could not get them to work at that age. The girls got it... Work hard now and have a fab time at uni.

He sounds like I was at school. Does he have any career plans? My advice FWIW would be to give him a touch of realism about how much EVERYTHING costs to live and see what kind of Wage and job he'll need to cover it to encourage enthusiasm. I plan to do with DD when she's a teenager. What type of car or house would he like? How much will it cost him to run them etc. Its so difficult for teenagers to grasp the cost of day to day life not to mention the luxuries. That NMW really doesn't cut it.

Sounds like a perfectly normal teenager to me.

What is all the intervention for? What exactly is he not doing in school? Why is he having to go to all these revision sessions and extra classes? It sounds like the school is trying to frighten him/you into doing more to improve their grades. At this level most kids do very little to get through.

DS1 was lazy like this and did no work throughout the whole of school. I don't think any of his teachers particularly inspired him and he never knew what he wanted to do after school. He did one night's revision before each exam and still got mostly As with a couple of Bs in his GCSEs. If he is bright he will do OK just not as well as he could which might give him the motivation to sort himself out at A level.

DS1 is now at college and loves the courses that he has chosen to study. He gets tons of homework each week and has never missed a piece of work. I even put him in my friend's English class because I knew she sets tons of work and would really test him.

I teach post 16 as well as having my own teen and I see tons of kids like this. Most kids don't know what they want to do and don't realise the importance of their education. That's normal. A lot of those kids don't have a job or have to do chores either and I don't know many teens who would do more than a cursory wipe if they had to clean the bathroom. I know DS would leave a bigger mess than when he started!

Yes, sounds like a perfectly normal teenager to me too.
Don't have any magic solutions as I was a perfectly normal mum too

I had no pocket money at 16, I had to earn it myself in a part time job! My dc are not teenagers so can't give much advice.

I think the problem today is that kids seem to have a sense of entitlement and feel that they should be handed everything on a plate (my 8 yr old Dd is already showing signs and I'm nipping it in the bud....I hope)!

The thing is, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I really hope everything turns out ok for you op.

Would you be able to come to an agreement that he will have a year working after gcse's and look at college/ A levels later.

Agree that a stint of factory work/low paid work may soon make him realise that long term education or training is his best option.

I did factory jobs as a student which were an eye opener for me as a sheltered teenager.