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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dh reading my diary.

46 replies

Muchadoaboutnuthing · 02/04/2013 12:09

I have kept a diary on and off since i was a teenager. It first started a school, I was having a hard time at home, mum was (is) an alcoholic and I was having trouble dealing with it so had started self harming. My amazing chaplain (pastoral care leader) at school suggested it to me as I always struggled with talking to anyone about my feelings. It did help and I've done it on and off ever since.

I started again about 5 years ago and write fairly regularly, mostly about how I'm feeling (particularly if I'm feeling down) as still find it hard to talk to people about things. Anyway, twice over the last 18 months Dh has picked up my diary and read it. Both times this has lead to an argument as he has read stuff about himself that has annoyed him. I suppose when I write its usually in the heat of the moment when I'm angry, it kind of allows me to get my feelings out and then move on.

I have asked him not to do it anymore, but the last conversation we had about it ended in an argument as he said he cant promise that if he sees it lying around he wont read it. I'm furious about it. I stopped writing the last time which was aabout 6 weeks ago and I really miss it. I cant explain how much it helps me and I hate that I cant do it. he does apologise (eventually) for reading it but says that i shouldn't write anything I don't want him to see!? So AIBU? Do I just need to find another way to manage my feelings instead?

OP posts:
GeoffVader · 02/04/2013 12:11

YANBU he should respect your privacy.

snuffaluffagus · 02/04/2013 12:11

HE is being unreasonable and you know it.. and he knows it, but clearly won't admit it! Can you buy one with a lock on it, or keep it in a locked box or drawer? I know you shouldn't have to.. but if it's the only way..

AuroraAlfresco · 02/04/2013 12:14

I would be apoplectic about this - YA so NBU.

Did you know there's an online diary you can use, though, it's totally secure & password-protected? Called Penzu.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 02/04/2013 12:14

YANBU in the slightest, thats a total invasion of privacy. For him to do it even after you have explained to him why you need it is awful.

Could you lock it somewhere or do it on the computer and put a password on it.

Emilythornesbff · 02/04/2013 12:16

What snuffaluffagus said.

Explain to him thatit's a therapeutic tool.
Hide it if necessary so he's not tempted.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion · 02/04/2013 12:16

YANBU He's invading your privacy and totally in the wrong.

carabos · 02/04/2013 12:18

he can't promise if its lying around he won't read it Hmm.

I'd be asking him why he's unable to control himself and why he thinks he's got any right whatsoever to read it as I handed him his suitcase and relieved him of his keys.

What an arrogant shit. That would be a deal-breaker for me.

Have my very first LTB.

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 02/04/2013 12:18

The last time he did suggest locking them in the safe, I suppose it just annoys me that I have to. But I'm going to start I think. I just hate that he thinks firrst of all that its acceptable to read and second that he can dictate what i cn and cant write about. Apparently it shouldn't be about him, or his family (who have made my life hell over the last 12 years).

OP posts:
LemonPeculiarJones · 02/04/2013 12:19

Reading someone else's diary is a complete violation of trust. He is basically saying you can't trust him and he is always going to put his needs (curiosity) over yours (right to privacy, need to trust your partner).

My ex read my diary. Leading to huge rows about stuff I'd written. He never felt bad about having broken my trust. It led to us splitting up.

My DH has never read my diary and never will, he has told me that very clearly, and respects my right to write in the knowledge that its just mine.

This is an important matter imo.

LemonPeculiarJones · 02/04/2013 12:20

X post - he's telling you what you can and can't write about!? And you should lock your diaries in a fucking safe?

Horribly controlling Angry

Longdistance · 02/04/2013 12:21

Why does/ did he feel the need to read our diary?

It's like trying to get into someone's head. Next time write in big letters STOP READING MY FUCKING DIARY! Hopefully he might stop. It's just beyond nosey really, can't stand people that nose around like that, and invade your privacy.

He should apologize immediately!!!

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 02/04/2013 12:23

The man has no respect for you, he can't tell you what to write about and he can't rell you to lock it away because he can't control himself.

You say his family have made your life hell, does he defend you or does he side with them?

yaimee · 02/04/2013 12:24

Definitely controlling and I'd be off like a shot.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 12:24

OP, there is a lot more to this, isn't there ?

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion · 02/04/2013 12:26

OP I get the feeling that this is about so much more than a diary.

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion · 02/04/2013 12:27

x posts

RiffyWammal · 02/04/2013 12:28

That is so out of order. I would be FURIOUS. And then he has the cheek to be cross that he read stuff he didn't like? Hasn't he heard the saying 'people who evesdrop seldom hear good about themselves'? This is the same principle.

Another recommendation for Penzu here - I find it wonderfully theraputic to be able to vent without fear of anyone reading it.

Willow36 · 02/04/2013 12:29

Has he no self control? What a twunt.

I'm actually FURIOUS on your behalf.

InSearchOfPerfection · 02/04/2013 12:31

So he feelshecan read your diary? In effect that's it's ok to violate your privacy?
And that he can also tell you what you can or not write about in it, even though it is a personnal diary and therefore he has nothing to do with it?

In some ways, he feels that he can but also should've reading it. What for? To know what you are thinking, how you feel about him, about sort hat you have been rowing about?
And why is it ghatyoustarted to feel the need to write again? Do you think that perhaps there is arelationin between? That you don't feelcomfortablein this relationship and that you DH is using the diary to keep you at your place (it's always easier to do so when you know the buttons of the other person and how to get at them).

Sorry i might be on the wrong track there but I am vet uneasy about his behaviour.

Geeklover · 02/04/2013 12:33

This would also be a deal breaker for me.
I too keep a diary on and off. I'm not a great emotional sharer and it often helps to get things out my head to help me process them. Ex-dh read my diary very recently and I went ballistic. My thoughts are the only things that are 100% my own and I actually felt very violated that he had read it.
He was apologetic and thoroughly ashamed of himself thankfully.
I have let 1 person read parts of my diary. I chose to do that because it was related to a situation me and this person were in and I was having difficulty verbally articulating myself so I allowed them to read a part but that is totally different.

Original poster
Muchadoaboutnuthing · 02/04/2013 12:37

Thanks so much for the replies, glad to hear I'm not BU :) My mother was very controlling when I was growing up and I sometimes struggle to figure out whats "normal" behaviour and whats not. Its only in the last couple of months and through reading some threrads on mn that I have realised that she probably has NPD and that a lot of the behaviour I thought was typical growing up actually wasnt. She read my diary several times and always managed to justify it by saying that it was because she was worried about me etc. She would then use the contents to argue with me and belittle me for months.

OP posts:
RunningAgain · 02/04/2013 12:37

My ex found something I'd written about him, which tbh was fairly critical of me, and not so much of him, but he managed to twist it and use it against me anyway.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 02/04/2013 12:39

Your 'd'h sounds as if he behaves a lot like your mother did Sad

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 13:01

YANBU. It's a gross invasion of your privacy and you shouldn't have to hide your diary simply because he can't promise to have the decency not to read it. Would your dh consider it equally reasonable to read your letters? Does he control aspects of your life in other ways?

Only I suspect that the diary reading may be part of a bigger problem.

StuntGirl · 02/04/2013 13:11

Horrible violation of your privacy and trust, he is bang out if order (but I guarantee you he knows this). Do not stop writing in your diary, if he reads bad things about himself tough shit. Perhaps the truth hurts.

I would be having a serious conversation with him about why he deems my privacy worthy of so little consideration.

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