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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About dh reading my diary.

46 replies

Muchadoaboutnuthing · 02/04/2013 12:09

I have kept a diary on and off since i was a teenager. It first started a school, I was having a hard time at home, mum was (is) an alcoholic and I was having trouble dealing with it so had started self harming. My amazing chaplain (pastoral care leader) at school suggested it to me as I always struggled with talking to anyone about my feelings. It did help and I've done it on and off ever since.

I started again about 5 years ago and write fairly regularly, mostly about how I'm feeling (particularly if I'm feeling down) as still find it hard to talk to people about things. Anyway, twice over the last 18 months Dh has picked up my diary and read it. Both times this has lead to an argument as he has read stuff about himself that has annoyed him. I suppose when I write its usually in the heat of the moment when I'm angry, it kind of allows me to get my feelings out and then move on.

I have asked him not to do it anymore, but the last conversation we had about it ended in an argument as he said he cant promise that if he sees it lying around he wont read it. I'm furious about it. I stopped writing the last time which was aabout 6 weeks ago and I really miss it. I cant explain how much it helps me and I hate that I cant do it. he does apologise (eventually) for reading it but says that i shouldn't write anything I don't want him to see!? So AIBU? Do I just need to find another way to manage my feelings instead?

OP posts:

MrsMaryCooper · 02/04/2013 13:18

He is wrong to read your diary, and wrong to dictate what you can write about.

Maggie111 · 02/04/2013 13:22

I absolutely wouldn't read my dh's diary [bushock]

However, I am nosey and if I was getting tempted I would ask him to move it out of sight. I do think it's unreasonable to leave it hanging around in plain view.

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 13:24

I do think it's unreasonable to leave it hanging around in plain view.

Why is it unreasonable? Surely everyone knows that you don't read other people's diaries? Or at least if you do, then you don't sodding well complain about the contents or tell people what they are to write in future!

SarahBumBarer · 02/04/2013 13:24

It is a horrible violation of your privacy and he has no right at all to tell you what you can and can't write about but... does your inability to communicate openly about your feelings cause problems in your relationship? Is this why he is looking at it?

Also - you see time and time again on MN that people, when given the opportunity, often do peak at phones, emails etc - I think the temptation to look at a diary must be quite hard to resist if it is just left around especially if there is a communication issue. I would be extremely angry if he went looking for it but when it is there, I think a lot of people might have a little peek. Also - I do remember at least one thread on MN from a woman whose DH kept a diary and wrote down all their arguments (his side/perspective) and the view commonly was that this was abusive, he was controlling/gaslighting her etc etc and you do say that you tend to write in the heat of the moment. Do you write nice stuff in there too (is there any nice stuff - I hope so!) because if not that MUST be quite hard to live with.

Just another perspective...

SirBoobAlot · 02/04/2013 13:30

He violated your trust by reading it on more than one occasion, and also tells you what you are 'allowed' to write about?

This is about way much more than a diary.

IneedAsockamnesty · 02/04/2013 13:44

Diarys phones emails and post all no go areas if they do not belong to you.

Yanbu. Its wrong.

Lueji · 02/04/2013 13:49

Get one of [http://www.amazon.co.uk/Polka-Locking-Journal-Notebook-Diary/dp/1593594429/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1364906914&sr=8-10 these]]

Lueji · 02/04/2013 13:49

Or even:
these

Maggie111 · 02/04/2013 13:51

Pandemoniaa ... If someone's on a diet, it's their responsibility not to eat their children's Easter Eggs, but it's more difficult not to if the eggs are hanging around open on the coffee table for a week. I don't think it's unreasonable to say "I don't want to eat that, please move it out of sight, it is too tempting".

pigletpower · 02/04/2013 13:53

He should not have read your diary.This man-child needs to learn some self control,however...
Don't leave your diary out.It does seem a little 'look at me' to leave a diary on show.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 02/04/2013 13:56

I am shocked that he tries to dictate what you can and can't write in your diary!

That said, I am not shocked he read it. He is absolutely in the wrong, but it is tempting. Mum read mine when I was a teenager (once or twice, and didn't admit it until years later). My sister and I occasionally read each other's and had huge fights about it. As a result I didn't dare write anything too personal. If DH were to take up diary-writing, the temptation would be there to see what was going on his head (he suffers from depression and has very low periods).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the original fault is understandable (not condonable, but understandable), but his reaction is not. Maybe the online diary idea is good because then you would know it was secure.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 02/04/2013 13:56

I have been married for 13 years, I have never once went onto dhs laptop, opened his mail, looked at his phone or looked in his appointments diary, he leaves that stuff lying around all the time. Its hardly difficult to respect someones privacy.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 02/04/2013 13:57

You can open the locks on those diaries with a kirby grip. I know this because I kept losing my own key!

MrsKoala · 02/04/2013 13:59

When DH and i were not getting on and having serious ishoos i found myself obsessively searching his internet history and looking thru his things for clues (not of cheating btw) i'm sure if he'd had had a diary i would have read it. I am not proud of that. I know now how wrong it is. However, i grew up in a house with very odd non existent boundaries and i honestly would never have thought it an invasion of privacy until i realised my perception of privacy is not what others think. I honestly have never understood privacy or secrets, and i still struggle to. I do, on the other hand, understand love and respecting ones partners feelings, and when asked not to do something i am fully capable of not doing it. DH knows my moniker on MN but i ask him not to read what i write and he doesn't. I have also put some private thoughts about him on my laptop - which he uses and just said 'please don't open x file i have written some therapy notes about our relationship' and he never has.

I would not leave a diary tho out as some people simply cannot control themselves. My parents always went thru my stuff, and mum still does occasionally if they visit. Mum found something (sekshual related) recently which shocked her, and i just laughed and said that's what you get when you go thru someones wardrobe. Although i do understand for most this would be a much bigger deal.

(not saying at all that you should laugh it off - i would be furious with DH if i were you)

Pandemoniaa · 02/04/2013 14:00

I agree about temptation (I do wish Easter Eggs hadn't been mentioned for reasons of sheer greed!) but as I said upthread, if you cannot resist the temptation of a handy diary, you keep absolutely quiet about it. You definitely don't ask that the diary writer gives you copy approval!

But now that you've proved your dh isn't trustworthy, OP, I think it'd be much more sensible to keep the diary well away from him.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 14:00

My Dh's mail is left around, opened

His email is left open

His phone has a numeric lock that I know because he told me it, in case he forgets

I haven't been overcome with the "temptation" to look at all these private things, just because I can

It's because I am a Grown Up

SarahBumBarer · 02/04/2013 14:22

Yes AF but MN is full of stories of people who do not manage to resist temptation. I suspect the less perfect the relationship the stronger the temptation - unless you are just a nosy fecker.

AnyFucker · 02/04/2013 14:27

Indeed, Sarah. And I have been known to support snooping when it is warranted.

This doesn't sound warranted, and sounds like part of a bigger and rather worrying picture

YouTheCat · 02/04/2013 14:43

What AF said.

He's a grown up (allegedly).

My ex told me off for putting a less than flattering status about him on facebook (he's not on the internet so I presume a mutual friend told him). I deleted the mutual friend and told him I would put what I liked.

Write your diary and tell him to 'fuck off'. He has no right to your thoughts and feelings.

StuntGirl · 02/04/2013 14:48

Exqctly AF.

Anyone who would read someone elses private correspondance without their permission is a shitty person with no respect for privacy. I don't care how you dress it up or try and justify it.

fluffiphlox · 02/04/2013 14:52

We don't look in each other's purse/wallet/handbag/workbag/bedside cabinet/email or mail unless 'with permission' as it were, as in 'can I get a tenner out of your wallet/purse?' I regard this as a fundamental. And I wouldn't FB anything about my OH without his knowledge and vice versa. Awful to have your diary read like that.

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