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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to let ex take our son on holiday?

117 replies

OhanaHarlow · 01/04/2013 20:55

Little bit of background. DS is currently 6, but will be 7 in June. My ex and I were together until he was 5 when I found out he had cheated on me and he is still with the woman he left me for.

We don't get on too well, but tolerate each other for our sons sake - and are mostly polite to each other.

Tonight DH has told me (after he dropped DS back at home) that he would like to take DS to Disneyland Florida with his girlfriend and her daughter in late August - but would obviously need me to give permission by law (I think?)

I've said I would think about it, but I wasn't happy with the idea. He said that I was doing this purely to get back at him and hurting our son in the process.

It does genuinely worry me that DS would be a 9 hour flight away, and that he would be gone for 2 weeks.

When I went in to say goodnight to DS he was talking about Disneyland to me - so obviously DH has mentioned it to him already. So if I say no DS will think of me as an awful person.

... I really don't mind being told YABU because I really have no idea if I am.

OP posts:

Blending · 01/04/2013 23:11

Its not just lone/seperated parents that have issues with travelling. My DH is Dutch and returning from visiting his family with our 2 yo DD he was stopped and questioned for nearly an hour...despite DD having the same name as him, and she was traveling on a British Passport on a return flight to the UK, which if they checked as he requsted they would have found I had had booked & paid for both of them!

I was in a meeting and didn't get the urgent message that they needed to speak to me until later...They actually called DDs nursery in the end and they confirmed they knew she had gone away with him, and was due back. They independently validated the telephone number (Google?!) and let him board the flight.

It was illogical to say the least!

He now has a letter giving authorisaton, a copy of our marriage cert and and a copy of DD's birth cert as they told him next time they might refuse to let them leave the country!

Goldmandra · 01/04/2013 23:15

My DD1 travelled to France with DD and they were stopped at the ferry terminal. The officer asked her if she was travelling under duress. She replied that she wasn't, then as they pulled away turned to DH and asked what under duress meant

Good job she chose the right answer

CabbageLeaves · 02/04/2013 07:37

After showing customs our passports (3 different family names) we were unloaded and asked to explain our relationships. I think travelling abroad with children who don't have your name is very common.

I guess they exercise common sense usually. A signed letter is meaningless. Anyone can mock up that. Legal letters to take a holiday? Solicitors would rub their hands with glee!! Unless the borders have been warned of a possible abduction there is very little they can do to every single family passing through

wannaBe · 02/04/2013 08:51

a friend was stopped when travelling with her sds (the child's father was there) to Canada. The authorities asked where the letter of agreement from his mum was and they didn't have one, had never realised that they needed one. They were almost refused entry into the country.

As much as it hurts to think of your child away from you for any length of time it would be unreasonable to say no on that basis. After all that's not about the child it's about you, and the child should come first IMO.

My ds is going away with my stb xh in august for ten days and we are amicable and parent 50/50 and even the thought of that is killing me but it's not about me it's about my ds and his right to have a full relationship with both of us. At some point I may want to take him away for similar periods of time and I have no doubt that my h will miss him incredibly as well, but neither of us would dream of saying no based on our own feelings.

Ultimately if you said no and your ex decided to go to court he would almost certainly be granted permission.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 02/04/2013 09:20

You are not a failure, do not feel bad about worrying about him or even missing him it is allowed!

kim147 · 02/04/2013 09:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greenoes · 02/04/2013 10:06

When we returned from a week in France last summer using the Eurotunnel, we were questioned by customs as DS has a different surname to me and we both have different surnames to DP and his DS. I was informed that I should have had DS's birth certificate with me to prove that I am his mother, however when I considered this, I would probably actually need my birth certificate, my marriage certificate, DS's birth certificate and my divorce certificate/change of name deed...that's ALOT of documentation for one small chap as well as passports!! In the end, they just asked DS if I was his mother...all this to get back IN to the country!

greenishfingers · 02/04/2013 10:47

OP I am totally with you that it was very very bad of your ex to get your DS excited about the trip before he got your permission.

There may have been a perfectly good reason why he could not go - or perhaps you may have been intending to take him? Either way he has presupposed the outcome and put you in a position where you are disappointing your little boy if you say he can't go. This is childish and manipulative I think. 10 days
might be more in your son's interests as you or another poster have said. But because he didn't ask you first it is now you who is cutting the holiday short. I do not like the sound of how he flew off the handle when you said you didn't initially like the idea. It comes across as bullying given that it is an emotive subject and you hadn't had time to live with the idea or come up with a considered response.

However I do think that however unfair and horrible it is you are doing the rigtt thing by being the adult and for coming here to ask for help with the bigger picture.

I would say yes to the trip but ask that it is reduced to 10 days - that way your son will have max benefit through not missing his mummy too much. I would also want to ask very seriously that he show more respect in future through talking to you about things which require your permission before getting DS excited about them. There's a reason these things require permission, it is not all about preventing kidnapping, it is about being a good parent.

You could show you are reasonable about the 10 days by saying that you think 2 weeks could be appropriate next year IF DS finds 10 days ok and circs allow.

maddening · 02/04/2013 10:59

Yanbu to feel the way you do but it's best you have decided to let him go :)

Now - what would you do with 2 free weeks? If he is going to be away you may as well make some major plans to have fun or get things done that you would have a job doing with ds around - try and feel positive about it and make some plans for you.

Also - stipulate that going forward ex needs to discuss with you prior to promising ds.

PearlyWhites · 02/04/2013 12:54

Yabu it's his dad not a stranger, yes he would miss you but he would miss his dad if it was the other way round. Am sure you plan on taking your ds on holiday at some point without ex p.

Original poster

OhanaHarlow · 02/04/2013 12:59

Yabu it's his dad not a stranger, yes he would miss you but he would miss his dad if it was the other way round. Am sure you plan on taking your ds on holiday at some point without ex p.

I had actually said quite a while ago that I would say it was ok.

OP posts:

Original poster

OhanaHarlow · 02/04/2013 13:00

Hmm I'd miss them like crazy but would let them them go

Them?

OP posts:

Snazzynewyear · 02/04/2013 13:06

I agree that it was wrong of your ex to mention this to your DS before he had cleared it with you. I would stipulate that for any future trips, he must discuss it with you before anything is ever mentioned to DS again. I would also make a condition of him going this time that he gets to speak to you at regular intervals while on the trip, so you feel reassured and know he is OK and happy. With those two things agreed, painful as it will be, I would say let him go.

NonnaMai · 02/04/2013 13:16

Poor you that must hurt like hell.

YABU though although I completely understand why. Your ds going on a fab family holiday with the woman your ex cheated with. That stinks.

You need to be the bigger person and let him go because your ds will have a brilliant time. Could you afford to go away at the same time?. Somewhere hot and fabulous where you get pampered.

Lonecatwithkitten · 02/04/2013 13:50

I am facing DD going to Spain at the weekend with Ex and OW for 10 days. It is unbelievably hard. However, I have arranged a girls weekend away which I am looking forward to. I think you just have to build something in to look forward to.

SmiteYouWithThunderbolts · 02/04/2013 13:53

YABU, I'm afraid but I do understand why it is so hard to be ok with it. It's taken me a while to feel fine about the ex and his DW doing stuff with ds and she wasn't even the OW!

Lueji · 02/04/2013 13:55

Make sure he has proper travel insurance, though...

JenaiMorris · 02/04/2013 14:16

If the ex was remotely reasonable then he wouldn't be trying to lay on a guilt trip.

His and the OP's child is too young to have to go away for a fortnight with a woman he doesn't even like. A week in Spain would be one thing - two weeks in America something else entirely.

frostyfingers · 02/04/2013 14:19

Not in the least bit unreasonable to feel uncomfortable and unwilling. Him being away for two weeks will be strange, but can you plan to have some treats for yourself in that time so you've got something to look forward to as well?

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2013 14:20

I'm glad you're going to say it's OK OP.

Of course you'll miss each other but he'll be back at the end of it, having no doubt had great fun.

As someone else suggested, it might be a good idea to make some plans yourself for those 2 weeks to take your mind off things a bit.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to him saying he doesn't like his stepmother (unless there are serious reasons) He might just mean that he wishes she was you...or that she does things differently to you and he doesn't like that.

glossyflower · 02/04/2013 15:16

I can understand your concern at your child being so far away from you and for more time than you are used to but your ex is his dad and he has just as much right as you to your son.
I think it would deprive your son of a fantastic experience if you said no.
The fact that your ex is going with the woman he cheated in you with must be very hard but it's been 5 years now so obviously she's a big part of his life now with her daughter, it wasn't just a fling.
Think more of what's best for your son.
Take care xxx

SailToMe · 02/04/2013 15:19

but it's been 5 years now so obviously she's a big part of his life now

Where did you get 5 years from?

Spero · 02/04/2013 15:22

Its only been five years if he was fucking about for 2-3 years behind the op's back.

If her son only spends 2-3 nights at a time with his dad, not sure how much of a 'big part' of his life the OW is.

WorraLiberty · 02/04/2013 15:24

I think glossy simply read the OP wrong.

It's been nearly 2 years.

SailToMe · 02/04/2013 15:24

The son is only 6 almost 7. They broke up when he was 5.

So I'm guessing the gf would have only been in the sons life for 2 years.

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