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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to let ex take our son on holiday?

117 replies

OhanaHarlow · 01/04/2013 20:55

Little bit of background. DS is currently 6, but will be 7 in June. My ex and I were together until he was 5 when I found out he had cheated on me and he is still with the woman he left me for.

We don't get on too well, but tolerate each other for our sons sake - and are mostly polite to each other.

Tonight DH has told me (after he dropped DS back at home) that he would like to take DS to Disneyland Florida with his girlfriend and her daughter in late August - but would obviously need me to give permission by law (I think?)

I've said I would think about it, but I wasn't happy with the idea. He said that I was doing this purely to get back at him and hurting our son in the process.

It does genuinely worry me that DS would be a 9 hour flight away, and that he would be gone for 2 weeks.

When I went in to say goodnight to DS he was talking about Disneyland to me - so obviously DH has mentioned it to him already. So if I say no DS will think of me as an awful person.

... I really don't mind being told YABU because I really have no idea if I am.

OP posts:
NumTumMum · 01/04/2013 21:19

No numberlock it's not a myth. It is for the parents to enforce through the court, nothing to do with the airports etc, unless the court has issued a ports alert in the case of child abduction.

IneedAsockamnesty · 01/04/2013 21:20

Yabu if your only concerns is your not that keen on dad and he is a cheat.

But I understand why your nervy but the right thing to do would be get over that.

Goldmandra · 01/04/2013 21:21

I would hate it so much, for so many reasons, and I can see why you are desperate to say no, I really can, but I think I would have to put all those feelings to one side and say yes.

I would say yes because my DS would have a ball, because I wouldn't want to be the bad person who stopped him going, because I would want a good future relationship with my ex so we could work together and because, however much I would miss him, my feelings would be irrelevant.

I think you need to tell your ex he can take him and then ask that in future he discussed plans like this with you before mentioning them to do the same and you will extend him the same courtesy. Then in your head you can beat the shit out of him for doing this to you and making you feel so awful.

While he's away can you book some time visiting friends or family so you are busy?

TheFallenNinja · 01/04/2013 21:24

If you say no to the ex how will you explain that to the child?

It's tough stuff but you bank this for when you want something.

Bumply · 01/04/2013 21:28

The only time I had difficulty travelling with my two sons was when ds2 was a baby. It was an Easyjet internal flight where I presumed I didn't need identification for the boys as I thought that was just for me. They mainly queried it as the boys have their dads surname ie different to mine. Irony was their dad was in the same airport flying to meet his new girlfriend, so not contactable. They eventually let us travel, but said I should have their birth certificates to prove I was their mother.
We've been abroad since then (not requiring permission from non resident ex) so I have their passports. Confused the hell out of them by using expired passports as proof of identity for future internal flight, but allowed once they'd checked the rules.
If your ds was younger or the destination unsuitable for children you might have a basis to refuse. I think you need to allow it rather than spoil this treat for your son.
I just wish my ex would actually see my boys once in a while, last seen weekend after Christmas, sigh.

financialwizard · 01/04/2013 21:34

Numberlock. It is not a myth. I am a re married divorcee and have a residence order for my eldest. Every single time I fly back into the UK I get asked loads of questions and asked to produce every bit of documentation I own in relation to it. I know immigration are doing their job but it is beginning to get on my nerves now.

Op. I know how hard it must be, and how you feel but in all honesty I would let your little one go. It will be hard for you but your little one will have a fabulous time.

SqueakyCleanNameChange · 01/04/2013 21:40

Unless your DP is American and you fear an abduction the YWBU to refuse, you know that in your heart.

That doesn't mean we don't sympathise and we understand that it is tough for you, but your son has to come first, and a fabulous holiday with the other part of his family is probably in his best interests.

Gossipmonster · 01/04/2013 21:42

I let my DS go to Malaysia with his dad when he was 6 or 7 for two weeks.

It was hard to think of his stepmum and dad taking him on his first flight etc but I got over it and he had a fan time.

He doesn't need your legal permission he needs his passport!!

Fleecyslippers · 01/04/2013 21:43

Hard as it is, and unfair as it seems, you know that you have to let him go ? Especially as your Ex has already mentioned it to DS, it means that you will automatically be the bad guy if you refuse Hmm

FreudiansSlipper · 01/04/2013 21:45

The ex wanted to take our ds to florida too. We have neverlived together and I felt for the first holiday away it is too far for too long so he is taking him to Disneyland Paris

I do not think yabu it is a long way if he has never been away from you for a more than a few days

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 01/04/2013 21:46

Is he a bad father? Unsafe? Uncaring? Is he a danger to his son?

If not, then he has as much right to take the child you share on holiday as you do and you are just going to have to trust that he can take care of his son.

Unless you already know that he cannot because he has demonstrated he cannot. Has he?

Gossipmonster · 01/04/2013 21:48

I also let his dads mum take him abroad one Xmas and they have taken him to Disney.

Hard on my other DCs but I know he is safe and having fun with his dad.

SqueakyCleanNameChange · 01/04/2013 21:48

But Freudian, there's a huge difference between your partner who never lived with you and the OPs ex, who lived full time with his son for 5 years.

crashdoll · 01/04/2013 21:53

YABU but understandably so.

FreudiansSlipper · 01/04/2013 21:53

I know but he still may not have spent that much time away from his mum. Ds stays at his dads most weekends the longest was 3 days and he found it hard maybe the op's son is finding it difficult too so closer to home for less time might be the better option for now

jellybeans · 01/04/2013 22:08

YANBU

Original poster
OhanaHarlow · 01/04/2013 22:13

Sorry for the slow reply.

I had my reasons for hesitating because initially when he first asked me I was taken aback and my first thought was - what if something happened to him when he was that far away?

Also my ex generally only has him 2-3days at a time. The max has been a week. So the 2 weeks worried me. DS isn't a clingy boy but he's never spent that much time away from me.

I have no worries about his father in terms of him looking after DS. DS does say that he doesn't like his stepmother - I get the impression if her DD and him fall out then she takes her DD's side.

I never pass comment on my ex's partner because I would never want DS to dislike her purely because I don't.

I didn't say no, I just told ex that I would think about it but initially I'm not happy with the idea and then he started to rant at me saying I was unfair etc. I'm also annoyed that he told DS that he could go without mentioning it to me first - despite my personal feelings towards him I would never do that if it was the other way around.

But yes thank you I can see that I'm being unreasonable and should put my own feelings aside and I do want DS to have an amazing time. I feel quite a failure as a parent because of what happened with my ex so I owe him this at least.

Thanks for helping me see reason.

OP posts:
FreudiansSlipper · 01/04/2013 22:17

From what you have just postd yanbu at all

your son does not like you ex's partner then going away with her for 2 weeks is not a good idea it is a very long time

You have not failed at all

flippinada · 01/04/2013 22:21

Much sympathy to you Ohana

I've been in your position and it bloody well smarts. However it sounds like it would be a lovely treat for your DS.

If your son has never been away from you for that length if time then I understand totally why you're worried as 2 weeks is a long time.

Perhaps you could suggest 10 days as compromise - would your ex be willing to discuss that?

flippinada · 01/04/2013 22:23

Don't think you're a failure, that's not true. You're just doing your best in difficult circumstances.

jkklpu · 01/04/2013 22:25

Do ensure that your ex takes out decent travel insurance: getting ill in the US would cost an arm and a leg, so it should include a massive level of cover for medical treatment.

WeAreEternal · 01/04/2013 22:29

It may be UR, but if I was in your situation there is no way I would let DP and his girlfriend take DS on holiday for two weeks.

dottt · 01/04/2013 22:37

My parents had a very acrimonious split and could never be reasonable. I wish they had put us first and not used us as weapons in their battle. Well done for thinking and reflecting on this and best wishes whatever you do.

TidyDancer · 01/04/2013 22:42

WRT the situation about travelling with children as a lone parent, you can have problems if they have a different surname to you. I have been questioned about this once in the past, as DS and DD have DP's surname (we are engaged but not married yet!). We normally travel as a family, it's rare for either of us to travel alone with the DCs but I'm guessing this is the problem for most lone parents as well.

Re the trip, I think you need to sit down with your ex and have a proper conversation about your concerns, mainly so you can discuss how he would deal with any problems that arise. But unless you have concerns that your DS would not be returned (sorry, don't mean to worry you with this, I'm sure it wouldn't be applicable in your situation), I would try to make this happen if it's the right thing for your DS.

Euclase · 01/04/2013 22:56

Hmm I'd miss them like crazy but would let them them go.

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