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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? This has been eating away at me today...

74 replies

slatternlymother · 31/03/2013 22:49

My dear friend has a bit of form for lateness; it does annoy me, but I've never brought it up because she and her DP are lovely in all other respects, and it happens in fits and starts. They're either hour(s) late or bang on time. It seems petty to bring it up.

Today though, it's sort of eaten away at me a bit.

We were supposed to have breakfast together at 9, and then pop out all together (they are godparents to DS who is 2). However, at 9am I get a text saying friend's DP has been called into work, but they will be there at 10am. At 10:20, another text saying they won't be long. At 10:30am ish, friend phones me saying her DP won't be long. By 11:45am, I've heard nothing, and I phone her to say we're going to eat because DS is hungry and so are we, and that we're heading out afterwards. She told me her DP told her he had texted me (he hadn't) to say he was running late. About 15 minutes later I get a rushed text message from her DP saying that he'd been held up at work. I said I hoped they had a nice day still.

I texted friend this evening to say I hope she'd had a nice day, and we'd see them tomorrow (we're having lunch at theirs), but heard nothing.

I sort of feel a bit... Flat. This has happened before. They're supposed to come to ours for drinks, but they turn up an hour late with no real acknowledgement. It's happens quite a bit. I was holding a baby shower for a mutual friend, and my friend pulled out 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up by leaving a message on my answer phone.

Am I overreacting? Is this just a quirk of theirs?

Or do they just not think that much of us? Because honestly, that's how it feels right now, it feels really shitty.

Can someone come and talk some sense into me? I'm sort of dreading tomorrow now, like there's a bit of an elephant in the room after today.

OP posts:
EverybodysSootyEyed · 31/03/2013 23:24

I hate lateness and I'm always on time. I hae a friend who is incapable of being on time and it is really frustrating. Now I organise things with a few of us so I'm not waiting on my own or somewhere where I can do my own thing until she turns up.

Tbh, row or not, it is still rude. My dh has a job that calls him away a lot and in that situation I would have either turned up on my own and let him make his own way or cancelled- not kept you hanging.

pollyblue · 31/03/2013 23:28

If you really want to remain friends would it help if you took a bit more control of the situation? eg decide that, if this happens again, you'll give her a clear time limit for how long you will wait, then you'll consider the arrangement off, and do something else?

Hanging around waiting for someone to deign to turn up for something they've agreed to do with you does bugger all for your self esteem, when it's a regular thing.

LemonPeculiarJones · 31/03/2013 23:28

They sound really thoughtless and self-absorbed OP.

Either you can talk to them about it - "Every so often you guys are really late and don't keep us in the loop about what's happening. I think in future if I don't hear from you within 15 minutes of an arranged time I'll make other plans - I don't want it to spoil our friendship"

Or

Just change how you respond to them. If they are fifteen minutes late with no contact/explanation/text, you text both of them on the dot of fifteen minutes saying the arrangement is off and you have made other plans.

TheSecondComing · 31/03/2013 23:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket · 31/03/2013 23:34

I have dropped a couple of friends fairly recently because of lateness. However with them being the godparents to your DC I realise this may not be something you want to do.

I would try to make it so that they are inconvenienced by their lateness, rather than you. If you're going out to eat and they're late, just go out anyway and make them meet you there. If you're at the cinema, don't wait, just go in and watch the film.

ProcessYellowC · 31/03/2013 23:38

Yanbu! There's no way I'd have waited all that time for breakfast!

They seem very thoughtless and inconsiderate.

olgaga · 31/03/2013 23:42

They don't have children, right?

Enough said.

Would they have made a 9am appointment ordinarily? I doubt it. It sounds to me as though she couldn't get her DP out of bed, and they had a row!

Snazzynewyear · 31/03/2013 23:47

Yes, what MiniEggs says. Only make plans where if they don't show or are late, you can go ahead anyway if they don't show within say 15 mins. I would definitely not invite them round for a meal again.

I would ring them half an hour before you're due to go round tomorrow and ask if it's still on. You can say, if she acts surprised, 'Well, after you got held up for hours yesterday I thought it was best to check that nothing else had come up'. If you don't get an answer when you ring, I would leave a voicemail or text to say that since you haven't heard from them you are assuming lunch is not going ahead. They really should have replied tonight to your text asking about the day.

MsMarple · 31/03/2013 23:48

Sounds like they are a bit self-centred and thoughtless. If you want to be friends still though go for lunch tomorrow as if nothing has happened - might as well let them make the effort to do lunch - but resolve next time something like this happens to take absolutley no nonsense. Don't wait for them for more than 15 minutes, or whatever time convenient for you, and then you won't feel so bitter.

banana87 · 01/04/2013 00:01

I would be inclined to let this one go only because it genuinely sounds like something came up, and even though they were really crap it sounds like it probably ruined her day too. If it was me and I had a row with DH over it I would be particularly sensitive to the subject, although profusely apologetic tomorrow as well.

Do bring up the lateness issue, just not tomorrow.

YANBU by the way...

Sunnysummer · 01/04/2013 00:03

YANBU - I bet they aren't nearly 3 hours late for work or for a job interview, so it IS a choice, and a pretty selfish one at that.

That said, I agree with the others that with most people like this you have to either accept it as part of them or just not be friends, as they are unlikely to change.

We have a lovely but impossible old friend who we have finally been very honest with and said that we love to see him and his wife, but only at our house, their house or an event we can enjoy by ourselves, after so many hours spent waiting at restaurants or schlepping right across town only to have them cancel an hour after the planned meeting (even this approach can fail, as we recently arrived at their house for dinner and they got there 45 minutes later!) It's a shame in some ways that we therefore can't be closer, but especially with kids it's just not possible to spend so much time waiting. You guys sound very close, have you tried talking really openly?

WafflyVersatile · 01/04/2013 01:28

If they had kids the kids would be the excuse.

Dunno, maybe it's some misplaced idea that they shouldn't let people down so instead of just saying 'stuff came up, do your thing without us, I don't want you to be hanging about' you end up with all this faffing. Or they kid themselves that things won't take as long because they don't want to give up on the plan.

Or maybe their time is just more important to them, better to have you pissed about than them have to give up on their day completely until inevitable.

I have a friend who does this and bullshits. She can leave you waiting about for an hour. So she's obviously been delayed before I've left the house as I'm more central. Angry

Last time I was on a tube platform for an hour. She'd texted me to say she was getting on the train in a few minutes over 1.5hrs previously. She had an excuse but it didn't explain why she was sooooo late or why she hadn't texted me. Bullshit in other words.

CardinalRichelieu · 01/04/2013 01:40

Very rude. I think the maximum lateness that is acceptable without texting in advance is 10 mins. You know that you're going to be late before you actually are, so it's not hard to let people know in advance. If you don't know when you will arrive, it's polite to say that maybe it's best to meet another time.

Not having children doesn't mean anything. I don't have children but I wouldn't be 2 hours late for something.

I think part of the problem might be that you're too nice. Despite being dicked around for hours, you still texted with good wishes. Obviously, you don't want to bawl out your friends, but I think it's important to let people know when they're being rude otherwise they will likely keep doing it.

To the lady above whose friend went for a run and so was late (which is so bad btw!) I would definitely have said to her something like 'well thanks for letting me know! I would have gone for a run too if I'd known'. You don't need to go mental, but you should show that you're annoyed.

blueballoon79 · 01/04/2013 02:18

I had a friend like this.

She would always be at least one hour late, more often two!

The worst time was when my son had been born prematurely and was in the special care baby unit and we were unsure whether he'd survive and had been told to prepare for the worst.

She asked to come and visit him and asked if I'd wait for her outside the hospital as she wasn't sure where to go.

I waited outside in the car park for nearly 2 hours, repeatedly getting texts telling me she'd be there soon, whilst my little boy was lying on a hospital bed alone.

After that incident I decided obviously she thought her time was far more important than anyones and decided if she was more than half an hour late EVER, I'd just cancel the plands we'd made and do my own thing.

She was always more than half an hour late, so I never saw her again. Bloody glad about it I am too!

AnyoneforTurps · 01/04/2013 02:47

If the lateness was supposedly because her husband had been called into work, why didn't your friend come by herself? I would be [buangry]. If you don't say something, they will just keep doing this.

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 02:57

I think you see too much of each other. Morning together, then drinks the next day is a bit much. Perhaps they will appreciate you more if you don't see them as much. I'm a bit bemused by the fact that her DP gets involved in telling you what's happening - that is odd and sounds fishy to me.

Longdistance · 01/04/2013 03:15

This is what you do.....

You arrange to meet out for drinks for 8pm, full well knowing they won't turn up on time....you rock up at half 9 without an apology.....and carry on like nothing's happened Grin

We did this to our friends, and they were Shock when we tuned up late, so gave them a bit of their own medicine. It worked, ta dah!!!

Longdistance · 01/04/2013 03:20

Or.....stand them up with lots of texts, saying 'won't be long' and 'be there soon'......(2 hours later) 'oh dear, dc has been sick', sorry gonna have to cancel. They'll be sat at the bar/ restaurant like a pair of lemons.

I agree, that maybe you see them too much, maybe calm it down.

OutragedFromLeeds · 01/04/2013 03:23

What Imagine said.

If you accept that they're like this and plan accordingly then it's ok. The only other alternative is to drop them. It depends what they're like as friends in other ways. Are they worth hanging on to?

sweetiepie1979 · 01/04/2013 03:51

When you make plans with her make them lose. Tell her you'll be here at this time and if she can make it great. I think meeting for breakfast at 9 when you don't have kids is an unattractive plan of course they should have just said that. They where probably in bed. Text tomorrow morning and say not heard from you regarding today we've decided to ......... Then hope to see you soon and everything's ok. Then she'll know you think something was wrong with what she did. That's what I'd do. Goodluck.

Hawkmoon269 · 01/04/2013 07:24

blueballoon your story made me feels physically sick. I can just imagine the stress of waiting all the time just wanting to get back to your baby. How horrible.

Op - speak to your friend. Maybe in a quiet moment after lunch tomorrow. Tell her that it upsets you when they're late and how difficult it is when they don't communicate well.

I've had this conversation with a friend. She got much better but most importantly she understood that her lateness upset me and why.

(The great irony being that I was 20 minutes late for her wedding and missed the whole thing! V short civil ceremony. Argh!!)

LindyHemming · 01/04/2013 07:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emilythornesbff · 01/04/2013 07:58

Fucking rude.
With probable bullshit excuses.

If I was still smarting I would cancel today's (is it today or tomorrow?) plans, making some simple lie excuse. I have found that when I'm pissed at someone It help to stay away for a bit to avoid a build up of resentment.

Then change how you respond to excessive lateness as others have suggested.

Maybe see thema bit less frequently for a while. Absence really can a,e the heart grow fonder sometimes. You might find yourself better disposed to them when you do see them.

MortifiedAdams · 01/04/2013 08:02

I have two sets of friends that are like this (or should say 'were'), as soon as one set had their baby they became prompt to the point of consistantly early. I live in hope that couple two do this too when they have a baby.

In the meantime, I plan for it.

Original poster
slatternlymother · 01/04/2013 09:37

blueballoon that's horrible Sad

I'm in 2 minds whether to go or not today; I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but then again mine don't really seem to matter that much.

I've texted friend to ask if today is still on, she texted back cheerfully saying yes and she was looking forward to it.

OP posts: