AIBU? This has been eating away at me today...

[slatternlymother]

My dear friend has a bit of form for lateness; it does annoy me, but I've never brought it up because she and her DP are lovely in all other respects, and it happens in fits and starts. They're either hour(s) late or bang on time. It seems petty to bring it up.

Today though, it's sort of eaten away at me a bit.

We were supposed to have breakfast together at 9, and then pop out all together (they are godparents to DS who is 2). However, at 9am I get a text saying friend's DP has been called into work, but they will be there at 10am. At 10:20, another text saying they won't be long. At 10:30am ish, friend phones me saying her DP won't be long. By 11:45am, I've heard nothing, and I phone her to say we're going to eat because DS is hungry and so are we, and that we're heading out afterwards. She told me her DP told her he had texted me (he hadn't) to say he was running late. About 15 minutes later I get a rushed text message from her DP saying that he'd been held up at work. I said I hoped they had a nice day still.

I texted friend this evening to say I hope she'd had a nice day, and we'd see them tomorrow (we're having lunch at theirs), but heard nothing.

I sort of feel a bit... Flat. This has happened before. They're supposed to come to ours for drinks, but they turn up an hour late with no real acknowledgement. It's happens quite a bit. I was holding a baby shower for a mutual friend, and my friend pulled out 20 minutes before I was due to pick her up by leaving a message on my answer phone.

Am I overreacting? Is this just a quirk of theirs?

Or do they just not think that much of us? Because honestly, that's how it feels right now, it feels really shitty.

Can someone come and talk some sense into me? I'm sort of dreading tomorrow now, like there's a bit of an elephant in the room after today.

[BenjaminButton172]

I would turn up late today. (or not at all)

I hate lateness. An appointment is an appointment whether its lunch with friends or a doctors appointment you turn up on time.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Completely understand, we had friends who were either very late or continually "forgot" about our arrangements to meet. Once again they were otherwise lovely people but we just felt that in the end this sort of said "we actually can't be bothered". We distanced ourselves from them. Didn't fancy a big falling out but realised they couldn't be relied upon.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

I wouldnt turn up late because that just normalises the behaviour. However, I would have it out with them. I would explain to them very clearly how their lateness affected you:

• you were kept hanging on from hour to hour
  
• you didnt know what plans to make
  
• turning up late - what do they think you are doing in that time when you dont know when they will arrive
  
  They sound very self-absorbed. By explaining how their lateness affects you will at least give them a chance to see it from the other side. If they still dont change then you know that they dont care.

[Hissy]

Blueballoon, that was awful! With hindsight tho, she could call you when she'd parked and you could have gone down and met her.

OP, my love. Hugely sympathetic, it's beyond irritating.

However...

You knew what she was like...

In future, either adopt the 30min rule as mentioned by blueballoon, but otherwise go on without this 'friend'. Arrange to have lunch at 1? They don't turn up? Start your lunch after 30m after they should have been there, finish and clear and if they turn up don't serve anything any more than coffee, as you're still stuffed from lunch.

Stop panderinmg to these people.

[Hissy]

Oh and don't chase them up for invites etc. She owes you a bloody apology.

[UptheChimney]

I had a friend like this, who was always late. I was moving from the city we both lived in, and we arranged to meet in a cafe before I left. It wouldn't be a forever move, but still I was looking forward to seeing her before I started packing and all that hard stuff.

She is habitually late, and I waited for about 40 minutes then left. Apparently she turned up just after I left, and was very hurt that I hadn't waited as "you know I'm always late"

I didnt say anything to her in a "having it out" way, but I just continued to stick to arrangements we had made, and if she was late, that was her problem. Although, I have to say, we hardly see each other now ...

If it were me, id be on time with them today, but always in the future stick to plans made in terms if times etc not with military punctuality of course, maybe allow 15-20 minutes grace but indicate by your behaviour how you want to proceed.

Keeping children waiting to be fed? No way!

[quesadilla]

It's really tricky this. YANBU to be irritated, I think it is very rude and I would have difficulty not losing my rag: it causes a lot if resentment. On the other hand I don't think it necessarily means a lack if respect or value. Some people just don't get why this is so annoying. I have a friend who is pathologically late and prone to pulling out of things at the last minute, I have periodically challenged her on it and it will improve for a while but she won't really address it. I am prepared to bet your friend is like this with other people too. In this case I would have a word as I think keeping someone waiting nearly 3 hours is taking the piss. But more broadly I think with people like this you sometimes have to just accept that they won't be as reliable and plan accordingly.

[DIYapprentice]

They're being rude. Very rude. Why don't you do it back to them today? 45 minutes late should just about do it for a first time....

[MrsCosmopilite]

I too have a friend like this. In fact, most people I know who have the same name tend to have the same characteristics.... odd eh?

This particular friend is one that I now just see occasionally. When we meet up we have fun, but I don't go out of my way to see her. She's messed me about too many times. Almost always late when we meet up, or changes plans at the last minute, often because she's basically had a better offer.
Recently she disconnected with all her friends because she had met someone that she wanted to spend time (aka have lots of sex) with. So when the relationship broke up after several months, she had nobody to support her. Although people did rally round. You'd think that might have had an effect but no....

[flurp]

I have a friend like this. We joke about it though. I don't get uptight because it would spoil our friendship and I love her to bits.
I never arrange to meet her at a certain time/place. I will be there first and she texts when she gets there or we just start from each others houses and don't make firm plans till we are actually together.
She is like it with everyone and it is a standing joke in our circle of friends so nobody takes it personally

[pollypandemonium]

Actually I used to be a late friend but not when meeting out - I thought it didn't matter so much when people were at home anyway. A friend pointed out that she didn't like it and it expressed to her that I didn't really care about her. I had honestly never seen it like that and changed my ways. So yes you should speak up as she may have no idea. But I still think you are seeing too much of her and that's why she's being a bit off.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

You definitely have to bring up the wasted food. Wasting your time is rude, but wasting your money/effort like that is horrible.

Blueballoon - your sorry made me so sad.

[ThreeWheelsGood]

*story not sorry, autocorrect

[Emilythornesbff]

slattern why did you txt her asking about today?

[slatternlymother]

polly you might be right, but we are dear friends of many years, so if she's bored of me/doesn't want to see me much any more, she should just say she doesn't want to meet up at the outset, rather than stringing me along if that's the case.

I texted her, and I won't be turning up late either, because I'm not normalising her behaviour. It's not normal to leave gaps of hours without communication when waiting on someone, it's not normal to be hugely late without explanation either.

DH thinks I should just leave it go and relax, since they are lovely people otherwise.

I am going to go along today, be punctual and polite, and then I'm going to give them a wide berth until they contact us, I think.

I want to discuss this, but I don't want to create a bad atmosphere today.

[CrapBag]

YANBU for being annoyed by this. I LOATHE constant lateness, it is downright bloody rude.

I have a few friends who are like it, one of which is a good friends who know's she is like it but gets very snippy if you pick her up on it. At first she seemed to have valid reasons but now those reasons are gone, she is still late most of the time, again always with a well thought out reason, she is just sooooo busy. What like I have no life except to wait around!

I do find that my friends that are late are always with the attitude "oh well you know what I am like ha ha ha" I am not laughing.

If this is consistant (and I know you said it goes in fits and starts) I would be reconsidering the friendship, nearly 3 hours with sporadic contact is extremely rude and smacks of 'oh you can wait until I turn up yet again.'

[CrapBag]

I would be giving them a wide berth after today as well. In fact my bad feelings would have made me cancel today altogether. She seems to think they can roll up when they like and good old slattern won't be bothered.

[ImperialBlether]

I think it's more likely they decided to have a lie in, but they were still incredibly rude and you should definitely say something to them.

I don't think I would go today.

[ImperialBlether]

Christ, crapbag, I thought you were calling the OP a slattern, then!

I wouldn't go, either. I wouldn't enjoy it and I don't see why she should have everyone round for a nice meal while you're throwing food away that you'd prepared for her.

[ChocsandChipsandSealingWax]

Hope today went ok slatternly.

Definitely her behaviour is rubbish and you should discuss it, or the friendship will end up fizzling anyway.

She probably doesn't realise how different things are once one has DC - was she always this crap, and it didn't bother you so much pre-DC, or has she become more crap since as the kind of things you're planning have changed? Would you have gone for a 9am breakfast pre-DC?

Stunned by blueballoon's story - that is heartbreaking.

[CrapBag]

Whoops, sorry if it looked like that. Should have put some quotation marks around that comment.

Any update OP?

[Emilythornesbff]

Ooh, yes. I'd like an update too please.