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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not understand people's obsession with having to touch/hold babies?

75 replies

princessj29 · 31/03/2013 22:34

Was at DHs parents house today and they had lots of family there for Easter meal. Our baby is 7 months and also have a 5 year old. Baby is used to it being the 3/4 of us but does go to baby groups and is very Smiley and sociable but FROM A DISTANCE! I appreciate his family want to interact with her but literally every time she was playing happily one would pick her up or come and stroke her face/wave her arms about etc. Or they'd ask if they could hold her if I was, I'd say yes but face away from me as she's going through a clingy phase and will cry and reach for me if she sees me - but no, each of them stood there telling her it's ok, mummy's there etc with her crying. Cue me having an upset baby to deal with all day and them all branding her as whingey. It was the same way when my eldest was a baby and drove me mad then too - I don't understand why adults can't play alongside babies/toddlers and let them initiate physical contact, why do they insist on it? I have neices and nephews I obviously love and care for but would not pick them up and remove them from playing happily with their toys just because I felt like it and then be surprised when they weren't happy about it. AIBU to wish people would keep their distance and enjoy her happy rather than insist on physical contact and make her upset then swiftly hand her back for me to deal with while calling her whingey?

OP posts:

TheDetective · 01/04/2013 01:03

I must have a defective baby squishing button. I like my own sat here cuddling sleeping 4 month old but I'm not generally in to anyone else's. No idea why. Just not. I like them but I've no urge to cuddle, pick up, or whatever.

No one has ever asked to pick mine up apart from his grandma and nana. And DS1. No strangers. Though a little boy did reach in the pram and touched his sleeping face and I waited for his mother to say no, and she didn't. I found that weird. Do you let your kids poke random sleeping babies?!

We get stopped lots with him but definitely no random cuddles. He'd not mind though. He's sociable. He'd grin at them and then snuggle in to their top and try and eat it.

I don't like it when he smells of other people though. It upsets my hormones and makes me all odd.

I don't think you are unreasonable not to want them picking her up all the time. They should play with her on the floor if they are interested in her and what she wants.

YouTheCat · 01/04/2013 01:07

We get various babies brought into the staffroom and I am the only one who doesn't want to hold/cuddle the poor little buggers.

I do not do babies. I hardly tolerated my own and I'm not going to pander to anyone else's.

I do find it weird that everyone wants to 'have a go'.

At 7 months I'd presume a baby could sit and be played with and I'd also presume the baby would be much happier with that than being passed around random people.

Bogeyface · 01/04/2013 01:16

TheDetective You dont have the urge as you still have your own to snuggle. When your 4 month old is a lanky teenager who grunts rather than speaks and loves you but in a special "I love the lady who fills the fridge and washes my grundies" way, then you will get the urge!

In fact, when your 4 month old is a toddler you will get it, there is something about teenies that remind us of when our own were tiny.

And I love it when little ones want to see and interact with my baby. Unless they have an obvious infectious disease of course! Little ones making friends it absolutely lovely and toddlers trying work out babies is just wonderful to watch! None of mine have caught anything that way.

TheDetective · 01/04/2013 01:31

I also have an 11 year old! I've honestly never had the urge! Ever ever!

Bogeyface · 01/04/2013 02:25

Then I stand corrected! But I await your post when you are a grandmother and pissed off that your DIL wont let you hold your sons baby :o

pollypandemonium · 01/04/2013 02:32

I would think it's great for baby's development to have the constant stimulation from lots of different people.

I don't actually like holding other peoples babies much - especially when they are very young, it feels a bit self-indulgent I suppose, but at 7 months it's just plain good for them and I can enjoy that.

BlueStarsAtNight · 01/04/2013 03:10

YANBU. my DS is 8 months and he's just the same - he can't abide people swooping in and picking him up before he's had time to get used to them, but he'll happily sit playing with toys and if you put in some time sitting and talking/playing with him then you'll get rewarded by being allowed scuffle (allowed by him I mean, not me!). He does love cuddles and physical play, but likes mummy and daddy best and doesn't take kindly to people getting in his face all the time, he just screams and then he gets branded "whingy" or "not contented". I'm always having to bite my tongue around DH's family as they will try to take him and jolly him out of it whenever he's upset, and grab him and start passing him round as soon as they arrive.when really hesjust overwhelmed and wants quiet time with mummy whilst he takes them in. But then they always (unintentionally) make me feel small, like they know better than me, so I need to work on saying back off, nicely!

I'm that anyone would pick up a sleeping baby, I would go nuts over that!

BlueStarsAtNight · 01/04/2013 03:12

scuffle = a cuddle. Lots of mistakes = bloody iPhone.

Twattybollocks · 01/04/2013 05:45

Yabu and Yanbu, babies are lovely squishy cuddly little creatures, it's an evolutionary survival mechanism. Family in particular always want a cuddle and because they don't get to see them as often as you of course they want a cuddle and to play. It is mildly annoying when my dm insists that my dd is tired and wants to sleep, when in fact she is crying not because she is tired but because she wants someone to entertain her with a song/silly face, or that she is starving and wants boob when actually she is grumpy because she is working on a massive poo/fart. still, I'm happy to indulge them, it's only once a week and dd whilst only 9wo is quite capable of making her wishes known.

OrangeFootedScrubfowl · 01/04/2013 06:20

I don't think YABU. But I don't find other people's babies squishy and adorable so probably I just don't get it.

Hawkmoon269 · 01/04/2013 06:32

Yanbu (although I do understand why people want to cuddle babies!).

The first thing my pil say every time they see my baby is "let's see if he'll come to me!" and they're obsessed with holding him and him kissing/cuddling them. It drives me MAD! He sees them about every other month. I think he now vaguely recognises them but he doesn't really know who they are.

Why can't they just BE NORMAL around him, play with him, chat to him...? He's very friendly - after 10 minutes he'd "go to them" of his own accord. But because they're always grabbing him close he's wary of them.

And yes to the poster who didn't like her baby to smell of other people. I'm ok now, but mil wears very strong, distinctive perfume and when ds was tiny I hated him smelling of it. It really did upset my hormones (I think - made me crazy anyway!).

Pagwatch · 01/04/2013 06:34

It's a bit can't win really.
A couple of mums with adorable squishy babies came to sit near me at a cafe. When I moved they sat complaining about me.

Just try responding to 'would you like to hold my new baby' with 'nah, not really'

Anyone waking up a sleeping baby is a pain in the ass.

Hawkmoon269 · 01/04/2013 06:37

^^ yes to anyone waking a sleeping baby is a pita!

maddening · 01/04/2013 07:37

Apparently we are hard wired to do this - the sight of a "baby face" apparently releases chemicals that make you want to care for and protect the baby. I don't think it's unique to humans either.

saintmerryweather · 01/04/2013 09:29

Im unaffected by baby faces and i dont want to hold or sqoosh them. perfectly happy to sit on the floor with them and play and chat. what these people are doing is putting their own wants ahead of your babys. They want to hold it so it must be held

Amykins · 01/04/2013 09:34

Perhaps your DH could talk to his family about it. What does he think? Why did they ignore your 5 year old?

cupcake78 · 01/04/2013 10:00

I'm with you on this op! Babies get sore, tired and hot if they are passed about from person to person constantly. How would you like being touched by strangers and removed from your toys when the adults felt like it! It annoyed me no end when ds got 'manhandled' and when he objected he was just kept and jiggled even more. I cant stand the way the pil continually jiggle babies. The baby comes from my stomach and has not been sat on a road drill from conception. Dh actually said to them can you please stop he will be sick! While his poor little head bobbed up and down with a look of 'help me someone'.

Also why remove her from where she is happy? Get on the floor and play with her, hold your hand out etc if she wants you to touch her/hold her at her age she'll tell you.

28wks pregnant and dreading this with the next one. There were times I would collect my child from relevant person and place him back with his toys or just sit him next to me making a point of saying 'he's much happier playing nicely and not feeling restricted'! If the same things happens with this one I will step in regardless of what the adults say, they are adults after all.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2013 10:59

We may be 'hard wired' to protect babies but where does picking them up and squishing them come from? That's a human thing and it has nothing to do with 'protecting' them. Animals don't do it. They herd around and prevent predators from attacking the herd's young, they don't scoop up the youngster in their chops, and bounce it around in the name of entertainment.

Several posters have mentioned that the smell of other people on their babies makes their hormones crazy. That makes perfect sense. In the animal world, a mother could abandon her young if it stopped smelling of her.

Sooo... OP, you're not being unreasonable and everybody else who just can't resist swooping on babies - perhaps try harder. It's not nature or nurture, it's about your own feelings.

and Worra... love, love, love the 'snot rockets' description, made me spill my tea.

Toasttoppers · 01/04/2013 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RenterNomad · 01/04/2013 11:56

I don't like it when he smells of other people though. It upsets my hormones and makes me all odd.

Same here, TheDetective" and Hawkmoon! The DC always smell of MIL's frying by the time we get back, and sometimes even of her saliva on their heads, from the kissing , and I don't think it's at all unreasonable of me to get all hormonal and dump them in the bath when we get back. It really mskes me shudder, and why not?!

People who get in babies' and children's faces till they "whinge" (hmmm, wonder why) are insensitive and overly hormonal about the "squishing", in contrast to what I was talking about above (after all, I do control the hormones I was talking about, and don't scent mark my babies "back" until we"ve left MIL's).

TheDetective · 01/04/2013 14:48

I have issues with my older DC when he comes back from his dads (exP) he smells of his place. DS1 is 11.

When does this smelling thing stop?! I find it so hard!!!

maddening · 01/04/2013 15:20

Oh I wasn't suggesting that it was fine to pick up random babies but just answering the op as to why people might feel like they want to - as sentient beings we should be more than capable of following social norms and not grabbing babies :)

lovetomoan · 01/04/2013 15:48

I love the baby smell
I have always loved babies and if it wasn't so painful and if I was wealthy I would have 10 children.

At least they are not trying to do 'baby yoga' with them without having accreditation or asking your permission , like a relative did to my DS and she won't do it again because I am not letting my DS near her ever again

MiaowTheCat · 01/04/2013 18:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Almostfifty · 01/04/2013 18:36

New babies just make me want to grab them from their parents and hold them forever. By six months I'm not so bothered.

I just love the snuggling you get, the head in the crook of your neck thing, the smell of new baby. Gorgeous, just gorgeous.

Mind, I don't often take them off people. ( Not since the court order anyway )

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