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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder if my bf is an alcoholic?

30 replies

lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:18

He drinks every night - to be fair not till 5 or 6pm but then he will drink until may 10pm or what ever time he goes to bed - 2 cans of beer and at least a bottle of wine, maybe more.
He doesn't drink spirits and doesn't drink in the day but I wonder if this is still a drink problem. He admits he drinks alot, says he admires me that I am not really interested in alcohol - maybe one glass of wine a month if I fancy it with dinner, and says he wishes he could have a couple of dry nights a week but that he enjoys a drink daily. Ironically he is a daily gym-goer every morning.
But it is boring sitting with someone when they are drinking nightly, not wanting sex, just watching tv and if there is every any emergency he would be no use. If I am not seeing him in the evening, it is pointless trying to have a conversation on the phone after say 7pm as he has had a few by then and is irritable and impatient.
Anyone been in a similar situation? Thanks

OP posts:
zwischenzug · 30/03/2013 17:22

Not sure whether or not that fits the definition of alcoholism but he deffo has a problem.

SomethingOnce · 30/03/2013 17:26

I agree - definitely a problematic relationship with alcohol. I couldn't tolerate living with somebody who did that.

Do you have DC?

HavingALittleFaithBaby · 30/03/2013 17:30

If he says he wishes he could have a couple of dry nights a week but can't, then yes, it sounds like he has a dependency on it.

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:33

No I have no children - am in my 40s he is 60 with one grown up child.

OP posts:
Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:34

Sorry to clarify we do not live together - we each have own house

OP posts:
noddyholder · 30/03/2013 17:35

What he drinks and the times is irrelevant Its what it does to him and whether or not he is controlled by it

AuntieStella · 30/03/2013 17:36

How long have yo been together?

Irrespective of the regular drinking, it doesn't sound as if you're getting much joy from this relationship if much of it is spent on the sofa with the telly.

Hesterton · 30/03/2013 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnChartered · 30/03/2013 17:38

agree with noddy

but the fact he can't have a dry night worries me too, does he drive or does he rely on you for lifts?

i totally understand about trying to have a conversation with someone who is drunk and irrational

i haven't spoken to my sister since last year because any time she calls she is drunk and often spoiling for a fight - other times she never answered her phone...

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 17:39

He is good company and fun during the day just after 6pm - he isn't nasty when he has had a drink just boring

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/03/2013 17:39

He drinks more than is healthy.

He wishes he could cut down

It is affecting his relationships and his ability to function

I'd say yes, he is an alcoholic

UnChartered · 30/03/2013 17:40

you say in your OP that 'after 7pm ... he's irritable and impatient'...

tiggytape · 30/03/2013 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

austenozzy · 30/03/2013 17:59

sounds like an old friend of mine who swore he could stop if he wanted to. he died several years ago in his mid 30s. he has a problem if he cannot change what is clearly an unhealthy pattern.

HotCrossPun · 30/03/2013 18:13

When he says that he wishes he could have 'a few dry nights a week' - what does he give as his reason for not doing so?

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 18:15

I do not think he wants to cut down. He is 60 and has been this way for 40 years. I worry he will die an early death. He has a great job, plenty of money and loves his drink - why change he says? He will have 2 pints and drive - I think that may well be over the limit. It seems to dicatate what we do if we see each other in the evenings - stay in, he drinks, watch tv. Any sex, which is rare, would have to be during a weekend daytime, no theatre, cinema in the evening. If he is late getting home, he would still drink as much. Nothing makes him cut down, not even flu. He is never violent but I can tell he is more impatient with me after a drink - he can be impatient with me anyway.
Thank you everyone for you posts. I need to think about it all

OP posts:
appletarts · 30/03/2013 18:19

I'd say he has a problem and a fair amount of denial.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/03/2013 18:22

He sounds incredibly boring, TBH. Do you think he is drinking to deal With stress/ depression? The problem is, alcohol js a depressant as well. Does drinking affect his sexual functioning?

Tbh anyone who can't not drink in order to be a safe driver, has a problem.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/03/2013 18:26

FIL is like this, has and will never change

Original poster
lovemydogs · 30/03/2013 18:33

I don't think he has stress or depression - he has been like this for 40 years - I love my gym, he loves his drinking - I think it is 'part of him' - addictions can be a like a faithful friend - because his drinking does not affect his exercise regime or job for example I do not think he would change - he has been this way for two thirds of his life. He knows about all the health risks but would rather enjoy himself now than live to 80. I am depressing myself just typing this. Thank you for your advice and opinions.

OP posts:
JamieandtheMagicTorch · 30/03/2013 18:40

Have you been with him for a long time?

ImagineJL · 30/03/2013 18:44

I think he's an alcoholic. That quantity, daily, and an inability to stop - it adds upto a significant drink problem

PenelopePisstop · 30/03/2013 18:52

He appears to be alcohol dependant. Alcohol is a problem when it's costing you more than money, which I think for him it is - relationship?

That said there really is nothing you can do. My guess, from what you have said, is that he will chose alcohol over you any time. For him, at present there really are no consequences to his drinking, so he can't stop until he wants to.

expatinscotland · 30/03/2013 18:55

Why are you with this person? Regardless of what he drinks, you sound miserable. As you are not living together and it sounds like you have no children together, what is the point?

flippinada · 30/03/2013 18:59

Yes, I do, he's an ex - because the drink X came first, second and third.

I'd say your boyfriend, if not an alcoholic, certainly has a drinking problem and it will kill him, sooner rather than later. I wouldn't hang about tbh.