to be worried sick and angry?

[MamasGirl]

This post is about my mum's health. Let me start by saying that I am an only child (I am 22) and my mum is a single parent. She's my best friend and basically my only family. I feel sick at the thought of something happening to her. :(

My mum smokes and this is something I have been begging her to stop doing for years now. She always brushes it off or changes the topic saying that she only smokes a couple a day and has an otherwise healthy lifestyle.

Yesterday we had the worst scare of our lives. My mum had reached menopause around 3 years back and yesterday she started bleeding unexpectedly. She had been complaining of pelvic bloating and pain for some months now as well. I was alarmed and we called her doctor immediately. The doctor said to go for a pelvic ultrasound asap. They did the ultrasound and it was normal. However, her symptoms are exactly those of uterine and cervical cancer and so they have to do a biopsy to rule it out. :(

When the bleeding stops she has to go for a D&C uterine biopsy and pap smear.

I was so upset at the idea of my mum having cancer and the thought of losing her that I just lost it. I threw away her cigarettes and told her that if she ever smoked again I would stop speaking to her. I told her she has to choose between me and the smoking. She and I had a few words and I stormed out. She hasn't asked for her cigarettes back so far and no way in hell am I returning them.

My mum has a tendency to take health issues lightly and she always brushes me off when I tell her she needs to take care of herself more. She tells me I am overcautious.

The coming few days will be the longest of my life while we wait for the bleeding to stop and for the test results to come through. I couldn't bear it if she has cancer and I'm going insane with worry. :( I suppose I am posting here as much for support as I am for reassurance.

Thanks for reading.

My heart goes out to you babe. My mum was my best friend, and it annoys me so much when I read threads with mumsnetters slagging their mums off, and moaning about them. I pray the news is good news and hope all the issues are resolved.

"I did not tell her she's got herself in this position."

No, and I didn't say you did. I said: "You have just basically as good as told her that if she's got cancer, then it's her own fault. " Note the as good as.

Which is what: "I was so upset at the idea of my mum having cancer and the thought of losing her that I just lost it. I threw away her cigarettes and told her that if she ever smoked again I would stop speaking to her." equates to, IMO.

You say: "That's basically why I asked her to quit" but you did not ask her to quit, you "threw away her cigarettes," "told her that if she ever smoked again I would stop speaking to her" and "told her she has to choose between me and the smoking."

That's not ASKING someone to quit. That's being downright unpleasant, at the time in your life your Mother is at her most vulnerable.

Look, I am not unsympathetic to your feelings. I love my Mum, I hate smoking, and I suffer from anxiety and have even lost a good friend due to putting my need for reassurance above her much more important needs.

I am unsympathetic to your behaviour. YANBU to be worried, sick and angry as your thread title asks. But YABU to show anything other than some of the worry to your Mum at this stage.

I see your point. I will try to make it up to her. Thanks.

Hello,

Mamasgirl, unfortunately there are several unconstructive comments that you've received on here.

Are you receiving any treatment for anxiety at the moment or have you had any in the past? It seems evident that the current concerns over your Mum's health have brought some very strong emotions forward regarding loss which you could benefit from some support on these areas, as well as for general anxiety. It is understandable that suffering anxiety as well as the context of your very close relationship with your Mum that the bleeding and tests would terrify you.

It isn't for anyone to be picking apart the words that you used in your post. You ended your post saying you need reassurance and guidance. There are lost of people on here to get you through this. Here to support you and I've been through some similar experiences if you need to chat you're welcome to pm me.

Please be hopeful that all can be well with your Mum's health. She may need to smoke right now to help if she is feeling worried to help her relax, so get the tests out the way and then sit down and both chat through what's been going on and your concerns. For now, give your Mum a hug and chin up for the both of you, be strong and see if you can put your energy into positive things to keep you both busy xx

Thanks cupcakemumma :) Your post was very reassuring.

I have had treatment for anxiety in the past which was largely ineffective and these kind of situations are triggers which make it worse.

I think I've made my peace with the fact that she needs to smoke a bit at least for now to get through this trying time. Once this is behind us (hopefully it will be) we can try to join a smokefree program perhaps.

Right now she is more concerned about having to go through the invasive tests than the actual results of the tests. She has vaginisms and that makes even a pap smear quite a bit of an ordeal. So I'm really worried about how she'll get through the ultrasounds and the D&C. Fortunately they will sedate her for the D&C but she will have to make it through another pap and another ultrasound. :(

E-cigs are good. The crappy disposable ones are no replacement for a cigarette though. The ones with rechargeable batteries and refillable liquid cartomisers are much better, but they get complicated due to options.

I have been using them for a couple of years and have figured out what works, doesn't leak and is easy to use. I can offer advice if you want it - feel free to drop me a PM.
I'm not advertising BTW, just love the things!!

Morning,

How are you doing today Mamasgirl?

I wonder if it would be a good idea for you to visit your GP again this week to explain how you've been feeling, please believe me when I say just because your previous treatment hasn't helped manage your anxiety that trying again could help you in the long term.

Horrible thing of being an adult is facing up to doing scary things, unfortunately none of us can get to old age without having tests done for one thing or another. It sounds in your post as if your Mum is taking one step at a time just thinking of the tests themselves first and not catastrophising about the results, so that's a positive thing. Try to remember all can be well with the results, so many post menopausal women get unexplained bleeding without a sinister cause, my Mum and Great Aunt both did and they were fine.

You're very lucky to have such a close relationship with your Mum and I'm sure you'll do all you can to help take her mind off things. X

Thanks for checking on me cupcakemumma :)

I was miserable when I awoke and I am still very stressed, but I'm just trying to stay busy and be positive for my mum's sake.

My mum is working outside the UK and I am out of the country to visit her for my easter break. Good thing too because I'd hate to have her handle all this alone. I'm sticking around till she gets it all sorted.

I can't visit someone here for my anxiety because it would be expensive and I don't want to add to the stress. I have had treatment here for my anxiety before (because NHS refused to take it seriously) but at this point finances are tight so I don't want to make matters worse.

It's very reassuring to know that there were women in your family who had unexplained post menopausal bleeding and everything turned out to be fine. Like I said earlier, I read on the ACOG website that post menopausal bleeding is clinically considered cancer unless proven otherwise and this is what set me into a tizzy. There's nothing I can do right now but wait.

I think polyps are a more common reason tbh and these are often benign. Hope your dm has good health insurance wherever she is.

Yanbu. Smokers are extremely selfish and have no thoughts or concerns for the loved ones they are deeply affecting. I really hope that your mum is lucky and the bleeding turns out to be minor and nothing serious. You love your mum and it is understandable that you hate the smoking xx

Polyps should show up on the transvaginal ultrasound shouldn't they? Because she had that done and it appeared to be clear. Now they want to double check for malignancy because there has to be some reason for the bleeding (which is still going on). It isn't painful much just feels like a regular period to her.
Perhaps it's a freak ovulation caused by hormonal disturbance and stress that brought on a period.

Looking back, Mamasgirl my Mum has been in for D&Cs for unexplained bleeding several times. I think I can remember three or maybe four times? And at least 2 of those times have been post-menopausal. It was never anything and she is still going strong at 80! (She doesn't smoke now but she used to have a few crafty ones when I was a child.) Chin up!

BalloonSlayer Really? That's a relief! I mean I'm really sorry your mum went through all that but to me it means that this might just be quite normal and benign. Fingers crossed!

Is it just me, but is this thread all about the OP, and how terrible she's finding everything, blaming her mother for whatever it is she does have, and trying to making decisions for her, like getting her to give up an albeit revolting and destructive habit, but one that is the most addictive one there is?

OP, you need to stop telling her what to do, and just be there for her. She needs to focus on whatever she needs to do. She doesn't need to be told off, judged and/or put on the naughty step.

If she does have cancer, one more cigarette won't change that. She will have to make the decision to give up for herself. Only then can she muster the willpower to see it through.

At your age, I understand that to you, the world is all about you, but really, it isn't.

You owe your mum an apology, and an open invitation to rely on you for whatever she needs, whenever she needs it.

By throwing a giddy fit, you are denying her the support she needs.

stop thinking about yourself, put your mother first and perhaps the wider perspective on life will help you be a little more realistic about tackling anxiety issues too.

Hissy, I am utterly stunned by the unecessary tone of your post. Was that really necessary? A reality check to someone needing reassurance could have been delivered with some diplomacy. This lady has come on here for support and is doing the best she can at a frightening time when she suffers from clinical anxiety. You obviously don't understand. She is scared. A wider perspective does nothing when you are at a heightened level of anxiety, it takes specific treatment to feel better. If anything you owe Mamasgirl an apology for the tone of your post in the context that she has come onto here for someone to talk to and reassurance.
The stress she is feeling is obviously down to the depth of feeling she has for her Mother and the fear for her health, over which she has no control. She reacted in the moment and it is pretty clear that the flip out over smoking is probably less about the smoking and all about flipping out at the thought of her only parent and family member having a serious health concern. It is nothing to do with her age, that is patronising.
If you haven't got anything kind to say...

Please think.

I am not blaming my mother for anything. I am making a valid point which even little children know- smoking causes cancer. Hence when you already have risk factors and poor health you shouldn't ideally be smoking. As someone who loves her and cares for her it was my duty to try my best to make her stop a self destructive habit with whatever means necessary.

This isn't about me, this is about us. I am not worried about myself, I am worried about the pain and trauma she will have to go through with these tests and if god forbid there is something negative in the results. Of course I am finding this terrible. Anyone would. Imagine your loved one having a cancer or tumour scare and you'd find it pretty terrible too. These things don't just affect the person they happen to they affect the entire family.

OP IS ALLOWED TO HATE SMOKING. You sound like a pathetic, helpless, weak smoking apologist, Hissy.

I don't smoke. Hate it.

I'm not weak.

I'm very far from pathetic. And about the least helpless person there is.

And I support those that need it. No matter what.

Anxiety is something you can, with appropriate treatment, overcome.

Cancer, not quite so easy, unequivocal support from friends and family is a great factor in success rates.

There is needless and totally misdirected hysteria here. the whole focus of the OP is herself.

I find THAT tragic.

But you all go right ahead... Says way more about you all than it does me.

Hissy, the OP is more than aware of her Mum's situation and the seriousness. She is doing the best she can so lay off. With what is going on she can do without an argument on here or unkind posters saying about how gravely ill her mother may be. Utterly unhelpful and spiteful. There's a way of saying things.

Mamasgirl, you know that you can look after her and support her. You're going to do great. You got upset the other day and reacted, that was the other day... It is all in the past now. Today is a new day! You already have a wonderfully close relationship with your Mum and this situation will strengthen it more as she knows you are by her side when she is scared. You can do this. Be focussed. There are kind people on here who will support you through your fears so you can be strong for your Mum.

I really do associate with your situation. My Mother was treated for breast cancer last year, I have a wonderfully close relationship with her. I never knew it was possible to feel as scared as I did when she found her lump, as well as for every test, result, operation, follow up etc that she had to have or wait for.
I promise you, that you will find a strength you never knew you had, as when people are close like the two of you are, you look after each other.

I have also suffered and have had treatment for health related anxiety. Having anxiety doesn't make you a self centered person. Your mind doesn't have the controls that the lucky majority has - yet - but you will when you've had the right treatment.

Take care x

Misdirected hysteria? Erm, no - just responding with support to someone who placed a post asking for reassurance. Yes, it is about her, as she has asked for support.

I can understand why OP is raging and how the cigarettes have become a focal point for her anger. She wants her mum to be well and is aiming to use shock tactics to attempt to secure this. Fingers crossed that this is a simple blip in her mum's health but that e episode and her DD's feelings persuade mum into chucking the cancer sticks away.

From my point of view, it's not just the number of years you have lived that make you a 'grown-up' it's the life experiences you have. It is a life changing experience when you encounter a serious health issue with a parent/child/sibling, and you really have no idea what is the right or wrong thing to do! Therefore comments telling the OP she needs to 'grow up' are really very unhelpful. No doubt she will grow up and learn from this experience but not whilst she is actually going through it for the first time.

I am 48 and until fairly recently still felt like a teenage inside (until I looked in the mirror!). Then I lost my mum 7 years ago, my dad 1 year ago, and now my only sister is critically ill in hospital. I now feel like a proper grown up and its bloody hard .

OP, I wish you lots of strength and I really hope your mum's results are good.

Shallweshop you are so right, I'm 35 but still feel like a teenager when I am really scared!

So sorry to hear of the losses you have experienced and the worries for your sister, wishing you well also.