To say that's it and cut her out of my life for good? Or am i a Bridezilla? Be honest please!

[deemented]

Theres lots of back history between myself and sister. She's 14 years older than me. She's an alcoholic but has been dry for 15years+ and she more or less raised me as a young child as our mum was very poorly for a long time.

I also realise that my wedding means more to me than anyone else, but..

Manshape and I are getting married in September. We set a date last June, so theres 15 months thereabouts between that and the actual wedding.

My sister and i of late have seemed to have a strained relationship. We've drifted apart somewhat, and i'm not sure why that is. I have five children and they keep me busy, whereas her children are grown, although some of them live at home with their children too. I live in Swansea, she lives about 250 miles away.
When we announced we were getting married she didn't really say much. I told her then that we would happily pay for her hotel room as we know it's expensieve to trek down here etc, and as far as we knew, she was happy with that.

We'd been keeping in touch via fb recently, and i messaged her last week to ask her how many people were coming from her end as i needed to know number for the venue etc. My 23 year old neice messaged me back saying that they didn't think they would be able to afford it. I reminded them again of my offer of paying for their hotel room, and said that i really wanted them there so i'd also pay for their travel costs too - either hiring a car for them or trian fares.She replied saying that nothing in this life was ever free, and that i for one should know that, and besides, she had better things to spend her money on, so no, none of them would be coming to my wedding.

I am so incredibly sad about this. And hurt and angry. They are my family - surely they would want to be there for my special day? What have i done to them for them to hurt me like this?

I replied to them saying how much their decision not to be there for me had hurt me, and haven't heard anything back from them at all. I guess they just don't care

That's it now though. They have hurt me one too many times, and this snub is just the straw that's broken me. Even if they changed their minds now and said they wanted to come i wouldn't want them there.

AIBU in cutting them out of my life now? Am i being bridezilla about it all?

Talk to her directly. There may be a chance that your niece hasn't passed all of your message along, for some reason. Just in case...

Why do you keep saying manshape ?! What does that mean?

And why don't you just pick up the phone and call her? Tell her how you would love for her to be there and it won't be the same without her. Be nice and see what she says.

Dee's longterm nickname for her DP.

I'm scared to. I'm really hurt right now and i'm scaed of being hurt even more. I know that makes me a coward, but still.

That is a very sad tale. Poor you. I am not surprised it is getting you down. But, no, don't cut her out of your life permanently - maybe just a break for a while. In the end, she and you have been very close and you say she effectively brought you up - that is a big burden on a young girl and she did it. The message you got from your niece was cruel and you don't actually know it truly reflects your sister's feelings or if there is more to it. Please try not to be too devastated by this at the moment and concentrate on your own family instead. You have done a lovely thing inviting them and offering to pay. Leave it like that for now. You can feel proud of yourself and just wait for them to come round.

I'm not sure that she can hurt you more than she already has tbh.

She said she can't afford it, you said you'll pay, she said she can't afford it?

Has that been said directly to her?

If so, hard as it is, I'd leave it.

It would seem that she doesn't want to come for whatever reason.

How do you get on with your brother & how does he get on with her?

If you tell him that you offered to pay, it puts him in the middle iyswim.

You know that you offered & yet she still doesn't want to come.

Sounds best left tbh.

Have you printed off her FB refusal-so she can't say that she wasn't invited?

Can't you email both your sister and your brother, copy niece in too, but this is HER doing as she was the one who messaged you on FB (even if it was with her mum's knowledge). Put clearly that you'd love to have your SISTER there at your wedding, including her immediate family if they want to be there, that you will pay happily if money's an issue, that you think somewhere along the way something has upset them and you're not sure what it was and it wasn't intended. Say that this is the last time you are going to invite them, as you don't want to annoy them, but you wanted everything to be clear and in the open (hence your brother being copied in too) sign it off with love and see what happens.

Chances are they're crazy enough to make you look like the bad guy again, your sister for some reason has years of resentment and jealousy inside her (and probably shame at her own demons over the years, that she's somehow managed to blame you for too) that she's passed on to her dd - her dd is going off what she has been told by her mum so you will not change her mind or attitude towards to unless her mum does...

I guess I am saying YANBU. Have one last ditch attempt at being more than reasonable towards them, if their answer stays the same then quietly live as though they're not there at all. Don't cut them from you life, as there's no going back from that and tbh, I feel unless there's been abuse of a serious nature the door should always be left open a crack.

As far as your wedding goes, you'll have a better day without them, so stop letting it hurt you, stop focussing on the injustice, because there's naff all you can do about it. Focus on your happiness, the people who surround you who love you and have a wonderful day. You can't live your life feeling guilty that your life has happiness in it, unless you're marrying your sister's ex, in which case she's got reason to dislike you!! I doubt this whole thing is even really about you, not really, it's about your sister's jealousy, resentment, self loathing - you're just a stooge and an easy target. xxx

This isn't your fault and you're not being Bridezilla but I think you can try to fix it.

You have to phone her. You can't take facebook messages from your niece as a reason to drop a relationship with your dsis (and I say this as someone from a very similar family dynamic ie lots of children, big age gap between myself and siblings, sister who helped raise me). We often get in situations in our family where Chinese whispers go round and every time I've found that picking up the phone and speaking actually resolves the issues.

If you do phone her and she says she can't afford it then please don't argue that point. Either ask how you can help to make it affordable or accept that she sees expenses that you don't. It's always tricky to judge someone else's finances even when they're close relatives.

Your day will be so much happier if she's there.

I'd never think i was too good for her, i'm proud of who i am and where i've come from.

I suppose i am going to have to speak to her at some point. Just not today.

I would try and keep the lines of communication open, until such a time that it is absoutely, definitely, no going back-er-ly possible. Just because of the backstory.