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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say that's it and cut her out of my life for good? Or am i a Bridezilla? Be honest please!

61 replies

deemented · 28/03/2013 22:22

Theres lots of back history between myself and sister. She's 14 years older than me. She's an alcoholic but has been dry for 15years+ and she more or less raised me as a young child as our mum was very poorly for a long time.

I also realise that my wedding means more to me than anyone else, but..

Manshape and I are getting married in September. We set a date last June, so theres 15 months thereabouts between that and the actual wedding.

My sister and i of late have seemed to have a strained relationship. We've drifted apart somewhat, and i'm not sure why that is. I have five children and they keep me busy, whereas her children are grown, although some of them live at home with their children too. I live in Swansea, she lives about 250 miles away.
When we announced we were getting married she didn't really say much. I told her then that we would happily pay for her hotel room as we know it's expensieve to trek down here etc, and as far as we knew, she was happy with that.

We'd been keeping in touch via fb recently, and i messaged her last week to ask her how many people were coming from her end as i needed to know number for the venue etc. My 23 year old neice messaged me back saying that they didn't think they would be able to afford it. I reminded them again of my offer of paying for their hotel room, and said that i really wanted them there so i'd also pay for their travel costs too - either hiring a car for them or trian fares.She replied saying that nothing in this life was ever free, and that i for one should know that, and besides, she had better things to spend her money on, so no, none of them would be coming to my wedding.

I am so incredibly sad about this. And hurt and angry. They are my family - surely they would want to be there for my special day? What have i done to them for them to hurt me like this?

I replied to them saying how much their decision not to be there for me had hurt me, and haven't heard anything back from them at all. I guess they just don't care Sad

That's it now though. They have hurt me one too many times, and this snub is just the straw that's broken me. Even if they changed their minds now and said they wanted to come i wouldn't want them there.

AIBU in cutting them out of my life now? Am i being bridezilla about it all?

OP posts:
Original poster
deemented · 28/03/2013 23:14

Neice is 23, but my sister has told our brother already that she wasn't coming as she couldn't afford it.

OP posts:
ooer · 28/03/2013 23:14

Aw, dee I feel for you. YANBU to feel hurt but sounds like it is their loss. Please don't let yourself dwell on it - can I suggest that you stay upbeat if you are in touch with them. I wouldn't bother repeating the offer although you could say what a shame it was she isn't coming, you will miss her but you understand. Then get on and enjoy your wedding! All the very best!Smile

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 23:15

Sorry must have been another pater with a similar name Blush

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 23:16

Meant poster

AgentZigzag · 28/03/2013 23:19

It does make it worse (and not saying it to make you feel any worse) that she's trying to involve and manipulate how other people see you when she involves your brother but withholds the fact that you offered to pay.

It's like she wants people 'on her side' or to not think kindly of you.

Like MsA said, it's very cruel to use this time to have a dig at you.

MusicalEndorphins · 29/03/2013 00:07

I would speak to her in person. Maybe she can't afford the new clothing, shoes, presents, food in restaurants type of thing. Hasn't been able to afford to get her hair done in ages? She may not have a penny to spare? I don't understand any other reason why she would not want to come, I am guessing she is too embarrassed to say hotel and transportation are only a part of attending a wedding?

I do not like it when other people answer for a person, as your niece answering for her mother. Unless I hear it from the source, how do I know the true situation.

I hope you go visit her and have a talk, and even if she can't attend, at least smooth the waters between you.

ChippingInIsEggceptional · 29/03/2013 00:16

Dee congratulations :) I'd missed your good news!! Making an honest man of Manshape - about time Grin

I'm so sorry about your sister - she's being vile & your niece is being a right little bitch :( As sad as it is, I think you have you focus on your own little family and not on your extended family or Manshapes either.

headintheclouds · 29/03/2013 00:22

is she avoiding celebrations where she knows there'll be alot of alcohol present? You say that shes been dry for 15 years but it must still take some effort on her part to remain sober ,even if its her sisters wedding. Im not condoning it ,just trying to see the situation from all angles. That is just another pressure on top of being skint and feeling obligated to you ( despite your generous offer being without strings attached)
i agree with alot of the other posters in that I think you should let her know how important it is that she is present and doma bit more digging as to herbreasons for non- attendance

ThisIsMummyPig · 29/03/2013 00:50

Weddings are expensive, your sister would feel that she needed a present, a new outfit, shoes, the same for you neice. If I were in her position I would feel beholden to you for paying for the hotels and the transport, even though that's not your intention.

You are not being a bridezilla, but if she doesn't want to come, she doesn't.

AgentZigzag · 29/03/2013 02:15

It's a bit more than just 'she doesn't want to come' though MumPig, being strapped for cash is no reason to start manipulating other people into saying shit things to your sister on your behalf.

'Sorry we can't make it Aunty Dee, hope you have a great day' was all that was needed, not 'we have so little respect for you that we can't even be arsed to come up with a half plausible excuse not to come, and BTW, '.

No need for it.

Original poster
deemented · 29/03/2013 08:00

She says she has other things to save for. I'm not honestly sure money is really the issue, given that she managed to go to lapland to see Santa at Christmas, and has not long come back from two weeks all inclusieve in Spain.

Obviously up to her what she spends her money on. I just thought, given that it's six months to my wedding, even if she put a fiver a week aside, it'd be more than enough for a new frock and a pair of shoes, and i really don't want or need a present. Again, it just comes down to the fact that she really doesn't give a flying fuck about me, and just doesn't want to be there to share our special day.

OP posts:
TobyLerone · 29/03/2013 08:11

They sound like horrible fuckers. Cut them out. They can't upset you any more if they're not in your life.

I'm always prepared to call 'bridezilla', but YA absolutely not BU.

Montybojangles · 29/03/2013 08:13

You need to speak to her and ask her straight what the problem is. Im pretty sure you have said or done something that she has taken out of context and got herself annoyed or upset about, that's the only reason I can see for the nothing in life is free, You should know that comment, it sounds like they expected you to be able to link that to something quite specific.
I think there's been a misunderstanding somewhere along the way and I would suggest that Facebook is not the place to sort it out. Calling is much better. Hope you manage to sort it out, don't let it spoil your special day.

ithaka · 29/03/2013 08:16

I think there is a middle ground and you don't have to necessarily 'cut them out of your life forever'.

There may be things going on behind the scenes you are unaware of - who knows?

It is obviously hugely hurtful for you and there is no reason for you to chase contact at this time. But 'forever' is a long time and she is your sister and she has been close to you in the past. What I am saying is don't slam any doors over this - keep one slightly ajar, for who knows what the future may bring.

BalloonSlayer · 29/03/2013 08:18

I expect she's jealous.

I am going out on a limb here and heartily apologise in advance if I am barking up the wrong tree, but am I right in remembering that you were widowed? [if I am wrong please ignore next bit]

I wonder if, in her head, she imagined you both in a cosy little club of "heartbroken single women," putting her divorce on a par with your bereavement. Now you have found happiness again and moved on she feels you have somehow left the side down. How dare you find happiness and a new relationship and have more DCs when she has stayed single and made her children her life?

Just my take on it...

LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 08:23

OP I cut put my toxic aunt from my wedding (we were very close more like siblings, 12 years between us and my mum was basically her mother figure ) due to her dreadful behaviour on the run up too it.
I've never regretted it but I know I would have regretted her attending, no one would have been able to relax knowing she could go off on one any minute.
5 years later we no longer have anything to do with one another and my life is better for it, no more stress about whats going to happen or worry of offending her.

Bossybritches22 · 29/03/2013 08:29

Sounds like chinese whispers to me. All second hand reporting.

YANB bridezilla but TBH take the higher moral ground & speak to her in person to clarify things.

Original poster
deemented · 29/03/2013 08:30

Yes, you're right, i was widowed four and a half years ago now. I never expected, nor was i looking for another relationship, but manshape has taught me how to smile again, and shown me that theres room in my heart for him. I do often wonder if she's jealous, she's honestly no need to be. I know i should ring her, but right now i'm feeling a bit fragile, and i'm scared. It was bad enough reading how little they think of me - i'm not sure i could face hearing it as well. Cowadly, i know Sad

I'm just glad that this has all come out now, rather than a week before the wedding.

OP posts:
pigletmania · 29/03/2013 08:35

Oh demented big hugs you don't need toxic people like them in your life. At least you know now and you can move forward with manshape. You have him and your kids that all you need sod the lot of them

thegreylady · 29/03/2013 08:39

Just make sure that the rest of the family (especially your brother) know that you offered to pay for hotel and transport then try to forget about her and enjoy planning the wedding.
I wish you love and joy in your marriage and think that you are a lovely, brave woman. I wish I had a sister like you.

BonjourCheeky · 29/03/2013 08:48

You are not being a bridezilla,this is very hurtful and unreasonable behaviour.

But, don't make things worse. Be reasonable and rational yourself. Be a good role model for your children in solving disputes. Speak directly to her. Keep calm. She has really hurt you with this behaviour but resist the urge to hit back. Call her and tell her calmly that you are sad she can't come and ask her why. This is what reasonable adults do. If you speak to her you have a chance of finding out why and making sure it's not the niece.

It sound like she has lots of issues. You don't have to behave like that too though. Before you cut family out of your life you have to make an attempt to get answers. She has created a culture in your family of bad behaviour. Be a bigger more rational person.

DontmindifIdo · 29/03/2013 08:56

I would make sure your siblings know that you offered to pay for the hotel and train fares, perhaps ask if they know if there's something else going on you don't know about that might explain why she's saying she can't afford to come to the wedding.

I would step back, not cut out all together, but don't put any effort in.

And you do'nt sound bridezilla unless you've failed ot mention you've instructed everyone to dress in a particular colour or join in a dance routine or something like that

Original poster
deemented · 29/03/2013 10:23

Thank you. I keep alternating between being really hurt and being really angry Sad

OP posts:
Yamyoid · 29/03/2013 10:45

There's no excuse for what the messages said but who moved from the home town, you or sister? Maybe she thinks the wedding should be where she lives, if that's where you're from originally. Especially if there's more of them clutching at straws.

Original poster
deemented · 29/03/2013 10:56

I moved here when i was 13, with my parents - over 20 years ago now. She stayed there because thats where her life was/is. She didn't want to move, nor did her husband at the time. My life is here, theres no reason i would get married up there at all.

OP posts: