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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you SHOULD have sex before marriage?

100 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 22:18

Watching 40 year old virgins on telly with DP (who I am living in sin with Grin) and a bloke on the program is struggling as he was bought up to think that sex before marriage is wrong.

I personally think that sex is apart of getting know someone and going a way to fully understand your attraction and compatibility - therefore is essential before committing your life to that person.

I'm genuinely interested in what other people think. I went to a Catholic school so was bombarded with very strong "truths" to do with marriage etc.

OP posts:
Morloth · 29/03/2013 00:29

That is very selfish of him ClairityVerity. Is he as dismissive of your needs in other ways?

DH and I had bugger all idea what we were doing on our wedding night, but we have learned together.

ClairityVerity · 29/03/2013 00:38

Yes, it's not just sex where he has behaved like that. Thing is, I think he is finally beginning to understand a little bit about how I've been feeling all these years about one of our problems, and he is making more effort with some things these days, but unfortunately I've reached the point where I'm so drained by the effort of trying to persuade him to work with me, that I don't think I can be bothered to try and make things work between us any more.

I'm the last person I ever thought I'd hear say that, but after a decade and a half of trying and failing to get him to consider a perspective that's not his own, I just can't be arsed and am trying to find a way out. I'm one of those unfortunate women who has ended up financially dependent on her partner, so it's going to take a while. The more I understand about myself and him and how we got into this situation, the more I feel that we just aren't right for each other.

Pandemoniaa · 29/03/2013 00:39

I suppose it depends on what time the wedding is?

Absolutely. If I had the ceremony any earlier than lunchtime I doubt I could squeeze it in.

toddlerama · 29/03/2013 06:52

No, people should do what they want to!

DH and I have only slept with each other. We wanted to wait until our wedding but got carried away a few times, so we weren't virgins when we got married, but we had only been together. Sex is so different now to how it was then I don't really understand incompatibility in one area In that way. You want to express love this way, and you are learning how all the time - for us it has only got better (although we thought it was amazing in the first place!) because we want it to be a mutually great experience. If I was aiming then for what we have now, I would have thought we didn't have it based on the first few years. We had passion, but we've learned more than that!

SGB no-one I can see on this thread who has said they waited has mentioned being better than anyone who hasn't. Where did that come from? Or have I misunderstood?

toddlerama · 29/03/2013 06:54

Oh and I meant wait until AFTER the wedding. I wasn't planning to shag him in front of the guests...

wigglesrock · 29/03/2013 07:30

Strangely my Mum always told us to "get to know" someone (she loves a good euphemism) before getting married. I married the boy I fell in love with at 16. We lived together first and had a bit of a break from the relationship when I was 19.

God the pressure of having sex for the first time after you're married would be really stressful for me I think. On our wedding night, my husband helped me get all the clips out of my hair, and we fell asleep in about 2 seconds Blush

gazzalw · 29/03/2013 07:43

Have friends who were virgins when they married (and they weren't young either). They are still married but they have never been happy and fulfilled as a couple, sexually and otherwise. I think obeying their religious rules has essentially ruined their lives and has impacted adversely on their DD too. How can that be right?

wanderings · 29/03/2013 08:22

This was one reason I chose not to be Catholic, despite my upbringing.

gazzalw · 29/03/2013 08:31

Quite, Wanderings!

FreudiansSlipper · 29/03/2013 08:38

if you feel,that strongly abut waiting then that is best for you

But being madly in love with soomeone does not mean you will have great sex with them. Sex when you in love is wonderful but at times some people have different desires being in love is not going to change that

I am glad I have had a few partners and the partners imhave had that have also had a few partners have been imo better sexual partners you learn things a,ong the way

MrsWolowitz · 29/03/2013 09:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 29/03/2013 10:09

Lost my virginity to my first husband when we were engaged, divorced 16 years later. Met dh and we dtd once we were both commited to the relashionship - and were married 10 months after meeting.

I've only had sex with two men and I'm very happy about that. For me sex and commitment go hand in hand and is not a casual thing.

Thisisaeuphemism · 29/03/2013 10:22

I think sex is a casual thing but i dont care what others do, also I don't think it's 'less risky' to have sex before marriage - I've found that having sex with someone - and when the sex is good- can fool you into thinking the relationship is good.

That poor fella on the show- what had his parents/the church etc done to him?!

SolidGoldBrass · 29/03/2013 10:35

I wasn't specifically addressing any one poster on this thread, but I have heard people talk about how their marriage is much more 'special' because they have had no other sexual experiences. And Ialways think, well, how would you know?

Also, a lot of the 'wait till you're married' attitude is bound up with misogyny and a generally negative view of sex, which can also lead to problems later on. This isn't to say that people can't be perfectly happy with only one sexual partner, but it is as much down to luck as anything else, and on the whole, experience is better than speculation.

MooMooSkit · 29/03/2013 11:03

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MooMooSkit · 29/03/2013 11:05

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 11:57

My ex H was, well, pretty average at sex, but I loved him and sex didn't matter that much to me. Unfortunately it turned out that it mattered a lot to him and he found a more appreciative partner elsewhere. (who can obviously orgasm in seconds!) So I'm glad I had some decent sex with other blokes before marriage, as I seem to be unlikely to get any now!

BinksToEnlightenment · 29/03/2013 13:37

I'm sure it can work out to not try before, but personally I think sex is the most important thing in a relationship so I would never commit my life to a person without a test drive.

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 29/03/2013 17:47

I think sexual compatibility isn't just about pleasure either - how you feel with someone when you are, essentially, at your most vulnerable can speak volumes about your relationship.
I never felt comfortable with my ex in the bedroom, would never want him to see me naked, lights off and all that jazz and I was with him for years and he was very supportive.
OH and I though were comfortable with each other straight away and for me that showed a huge level of trust.
There is something very primal and subconscious about sex that I feel is essential to figuring out your commitment.

OP posts:
Wannabestepfordwife · 29/03/2013 18:03

Completely agree if dp and I waited till we were married we would be waiting till we were 50 or whenever we can afford to get married.

I think how someone behaves in bed is a good indicator for the relationship ime selfish in bed has meant selfish in the relationship always putting themselves first and with dp he is considerate and puts me first in and out of the bedroom

TeWiSavesTheDay · 29/03/2013 18:11

I agree that it is better to have sex before marriage too. I have only had sex (of the piv kind!) With DH but we were just dating then, and I had no idea that we would get married.

I've had sexual experiences with other people that proved very quickly that they were not the one for me, because we liked different things or felt very differently about things.

TuppenceBeresford · 29/03/2013 18:15

"Thing is, the people who have only ever had sex with the person they are now married to: You're not 'better' than other people"

No, they're not. And neither are are people who HAVE had sex/lived with their partner are not better than than those who didn't.

Honestly what is with these pronouncements on what people "should" do?

YABU to think that just because you did something one way everybody else should do the same.

exoticfruits · 29/03/2013 18:18

I think that you would be mad not to. If you are going to spend a lifetime with someone you need to know that you are compatible on all levels.
Having read a lot of nonsense posts recently on the 'woman's role' I think that you need to use your head in addition to your heart.

Hopeforever · 29/03/2013 18:19

I love my DH even more because he still loves me even though he never saw my morning face until our honeymoon.

crushedintherush · 29/03/2013 18:22

Imagine getting wed to find his penis was the same width of a pencil! No way, Jose Grin