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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think you SHOULD have sex before marriage?

100 replies

TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 22:18

Watching 40 year old virgins on telly with DP (who I am living in sin with Grin) and a bloke on the program is struggling as he was bought up to think that sex before marriage is wrong.

I personally think that sex is apart of getting know someone and going a way to fully understand your attraction and compatibility - therefore is essential before committing your life to that person.

I'm genuinely interested in what other people think. I went to a Catholic school so was bombarded with very strong "truths" to do with marriage etc.

OP posts:
INeedThatForkOff · 28/03/2013 22:46

YANBU, and the idea of not living with someone before marriage is madness!

Annunziata · 28/03/2013 22:49

YANBU. I was so so scared on my wedding night, and too mortified to look at any of my parents/ PILs in the eye for weeks.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/03/2013 22:51

Thing is, the people who have only ever had sex with the person they are now married to: You're not 'better' than other people, you were just lucky in that the person you chose to marry was either naturally sexually compatible with you or the two of you were both willing to learn together. Some people who 'wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now you're married it can just happen all the time/is completely incompetent but unwilling to change.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/03/2013 22:52

Also, how are you defining 'sex'? Is the definitive act PIV, is premarital kissing with tongues OK?

elQuintoConyo · 28/03/2013 22:53

YABVU

People SHOULD be left alone to do what they want.

What next, 'people should have sex before university'?, 'people should have at least 5 sexual partners before they marry', 'people must practise with at least one warm apple pie before thier wedding night'??

elQuintoConyo · 28/03/2013 22:55

'People must learn to proofread and check spelling of 'their' before posting'. [Hmm]

skaen · 28/03/2013 22:56

YANBU. I would perhaps have said YABU before I had a boyfriend who I got on really well with, lots in common etc but he was absolutely rubbish in bed. Dreadful. Appalling. And horrified that I tried to suggest improvements. After that sex was an early and fundamental requirement!

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 22:56

elQuintoConyo - You won't be signing my petition to parliament then to outlaw virginity?

Please note that I have no problem with people waiting - for me PERSONALLY i wouldn't feel ready to dedicate my life to someone without knowing them completely

OP posts:
HavingALittleFaithBaby · 28/03/2013 22:57

YABU - to say that people 'should'. Depends on circumstances and individuals. I've only ever been with DH, lost my virginity on our wedding afternoon night :) We are compatible but I never really worried we wouldn't be. He wasn't a virgin by the way but respected my choice to wait. Our sex drives have varied since we married - he had health problems that decreased his libido which are now resolved but since I got pregnant I could take it or leave it! But throughout its been enjoyable. We also talked about the reality of it all beforehand and what we expected from our relationship which I think helped.

I don't think I'm better than people who didn't wait but I don't regret my decision to wait. I'd only had I've serious relationship before DH and I'm really glad I didn't sleep with him.

abbyfromoz · 28/03/2013 22:58

my sister (19 year old virgin) married ex serial womaniser turned born again Christian... (Judgey pants alert)
I felt sad as she would never know any different- but he would! Grrr!
That being said 8 years later they seem....errr happy... In their own way and i suppose that's what it all balls down to. To each their own... Unless you are my sister then... Well you know... No one will ever be good enough Wink

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 23:00

bad wording with "should" sorry Smile

OP posts:
aquashiv · 28/03/2013 23:00

Yes you should have sex before marriage because you sure as hell wont have it afterwards...

WorraLiberty · 28/03/2013 23:02

I suppose it depends on what time the wedding is?

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 23:02

SolidGoldBrass - I agree. In my mind having sex with someone and living with them before marriage is minimising a risk.

I'm not talking about experiencing sex as a whole but sex with your potential partner for life

OP posts:
HavingALittleFaithBaby · 28/03/2013 23:08

Like giving them a test drive seventh?!

SinisterBuggyMonth · 28/03/2013 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ComposHat · 28/03/2013 23:17

wait for the wedding night' subsequently find out that the new partner has no interest in sex/is clumsy and spiteful about doing it/thinks that now

I know a couple who this happened to. Both hardcore Christians, both lovely people, but sex was a let down for both of them and very painful for her. I'm not sure of the state of their marriage now, but they certainly had an extraordinary difficult few years.

Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take.

SummerFin · 28/03/2013 23:20

I would have to sleep with someone before I married them. Would probably be a deal breaker for me if they wanted to wait until marriage.

But then I would never judge anyone for holding the view that their virginity is sacred.

McBalls · 28/03/2013 23:30

No such thing as should - personal choice and all that.

I wouldn't wait because I don't want to buuuuut I don't think knowing whether you're sexually compatible is vital, may as well say don't marry until you've seen how your beloved deals with sleepless nights with a newborn or how well they support you through the death of your mum...whether or not the sex is good is fairly insignificant in comparison to the other shite life will kick up.

To be clear, I think an unhappy/ unfulfilling sex life is bloody soul destroying and I couldn't live with it, it's more of a pedantic point I'm making

ClairityVerity · 28/03/2013 23:40

ComposHat: "Marriage is a huge commitment, emotionally and financially. To end up finding you are sexually incompatible after you are are married seems extraordinarily risky. Not one I'd be prepared to take."

DH and I didn't have sex with anyone before we got married. I wish we had. And I wish we'd lived together before getting married as well. Had I done so I'd probably have finally decided to settle with someone else. Sad

Original poster
TheSeventhHorcrux · 28/03/2013 23:49

ClarityVerity - I'm sorry to hear that Flowers

OP posts:
Morloth · 28/03/2013 23:54

I don't think there is any 'should'.

DH and I have only ever had sex with each other, it suits me. He knows exactly what I like and how I like it and I him.

People should do what suits them.

Still18atheart · 28/03/2013 23:55

Personally I'm glad that I have had sex before marriage partly to sow wild oats etc and also to know that there are different types of sex and relationships etc

However, I can totally see why people would to wait and only have sex after the sex. It's all down to the individual.

ThisIsMummyPig · 29/03/2013 00:00

I had sex with 10-20 men before I met DH (genuinely can't remember, I just know I lied to get it under 10). DH was not the best in bed, but he was a very, very nice bloke. Actually that is enough.

The bloke who was the best in bed probably cheated on me, and definately cheated on the girl he went out with after me, and was engaged to.

I'm glad sex wasn't the be all and end all.

ClairityVerity · 29/03/2013 00:05

Thank you, Seventh.

Rather like one of the posters higher up in this convo, DH has given little response over the years to my requests for him to do even a little research into how to satisfy a woman in bed. As a result, in 15 years of marriage, he's only brought me to orgasm once. I've long got bored of asking and just sort myself out every time. Really wish I'd been with other men before meeting him.

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