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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to understand: Your House/Wedding/Child Your Rules?

121 replies

Hullygully · 28/03/2013 11:54

What happened to manners?

What happened to consideration for other people, putting one's guests first, or making people feel comfortable or just mutually agreeing a framework of behaviour around kids?

How can it work if everyone has Me Me Mine about Their Rules??

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 28/03/2013 12:31

I always imagine the my house/my rules posters handing their guests a house rule book before they get through the door.

Pandemoniaa · 28/03/2013 12:31

There's a world of difference between "My Preferences" and "My Rules" too.

Waspie · 28/03/2013 12:32

I don't mind what guests do in my house as long as they don't shag on the rug (it's just been cleaned) or light up.

I leave the decision on removal of shoes up to the guest. Weddings I try and avoid and tend to use DS as an excuse to send DP on his own. I have successfully avoided all weddings I've been invited to in the last 5 years except my sister's and DP's sisters which I couldn't really get out of

MadameDefarge · 28/03/2013 12:32

mary, didn't yoiu know alcohol consumption is not the essence of a good wedding? tsk.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 28/03/2013 12:33

I don't know anyone who would ask that, salmo, with the possible exception of my own father. I'd let him, and we'd all raise eyebrows in the other room, and he'd know it .

Maryz · 28/03/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Hullygully · 28/03/2013 12:33

oo that's a good one, Salmo. It would depend how important it was to them and how well I knew them. If it was clearly tres important I'd probably agree and just think to myself that they were thick louts.

My mum often has to have a little Corrie watch when she comes round, but it's only half an hour and she is an addict.

OP posts:

NomDeOrdinateur · 28/03/2013 12:33

Depends on how far you take it - guests aren't allowed to play with my parrot (because she is afraid of strangers and will respond aggressively to people who aren't patient with her), and I don't allow shoes on in my home (because the carpet belongs to the landlord, who chose cream in his infinite wisdom, and we live in a very soggy, muddy area).

IME, "my wedding, my rules" can be invaluable because it's the least impolite way of negotiating other people's compulsion to push boundaries and create ill-feeling. For instance, when:

a) your parents want you to increase your wedding party by 1/3 in numbers (and therefore cost) to invite family members you don't get on with, even though your wedding is on a tight budget;
b) your ILs want you to video the whole thing at a cost of £300 for somebody who couldn't come, despite the fact that you have always hated cameras and aren't even having an official wedding photographer, and your wedding is again on a tight budget;
c) your ILs want you to hire a minibus to transport 14 people between the church, the pub, and the house, even though family members have already offered and agreed to a "driving rota" that gets everybody where they need to be comfortably, and again you're on the aforementioned tight budget;
d) pretty much everybody other than your fiance feels very strongly that the possession of a vagina disqualifies you from keeping your own surname after marriage;
e) there is literally only one seating arrangement that keeps together everybody who wants to be together and separates one's deliberately antagonistic MIL and BIL (who proved they couldn't be trusted to make innocuous smalltalk the night before) from one's own parents and DB.

I felt like a right bridezilla uttering the phrase (which, I agree, is usually deployed to mask somebody else's bullishness and lack of respect for others), but I probably resented the fact that I was being forced to use it more than the recipients objected to hearing it.

Maryz · 28/03/2013 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadameDefarge · 28/03/2013 12:35

You see I am really nice. I smoke. not a lot< but I do. if I have other people round who hate smoking, and certainly when children are around I don't smoke. I feel that would be rude. and no my home does not reek of fag smoke. (roll ups stink less than readymades) and I am a fan of fresh air and breezes blowing through and scented candles (but naice ones) etc. you see the fact I even felt the need to justify myself is annoying. I am a good host!

abbyfromoz · 28/03/2013 12:35

Maryz.. PMSL @ putting shoes back on! Lol
We have friends who ask us to take shoes off... The only reason that annoys me is when i am in the process of doing so! Lol... Literally just turn up at the door and they are all 'shoes off!' While i already have a boot off... Lol

P.s the answer to having your wedding your rules is do it abroad! That way only people who reeeally love you and are willing to travel will be there...well that was the plan we got married in Thailand- still had 100 people turn up! Lol we must just be really loved

DiscoDonkey · 28/03/2013 12:35

I hate our new lounge carpet, I thought it would be great but instead it's turned dh in a right precious knob. Wish we just had the old shitty carpet that no one cared about.

Wonder if anyone else ever got divorced over a carpet?

MadameDefarge · 28/03/2013 12:36

maybe I am deluding myself. but I do know most folk will crawl over broken glass to eat at mine!

SneezingwakestheJesus · 28/03/2013 12:40

Its all about balance isn't it? Like if you have a certain rule in your house like no TV while we eat and then a guest comes and wants to watch TV while they eat, that one time isn't going to affect the host so the guest should come first. But then if you have a no smoking rule in your house and a guest lights up without asking, that is going to make the host have to breathe it in too which is pretty bad manners in itself.

On the shoes front, I'm sure new people who come to my house think I'm a bad host for making them take their shoes off because guests come first and all that but the people who know me and come round regularly respect that I have OCD and shoes inside would trigger off a lot of anxiety etc and make me unable to think about anything else the entire time they were there.

Massive ramble condensed = in some situations, it really should be your house your rules but in others, the balance should be more towards making guests comfortable.

TheBigJessie · 28/03/2013 12:40

To be honest, I didn't really want a wedding. There would be people looking at me. All my choices were geared towards making sure I could endure it.

So, I consider myself saved, and whenever anyone brings it up, I just smile in a puzzled way, and say, "it would either have been hell for the guests or hell for me. I don't want to pay to be miserable, so no wedding was better, surely?".

Bosgrove · 28/03/2013 12:40

For us, my main house rule is no jumping on furniture. If my children jump on your furniture I will stop them as "We don't jump on furniture, do we?", but I wouldn't stop YOUR children in YOUR house.

However, in MY house, MY rules, therefore all jumping on furniture is stopped. If they want to jump, can jump on the floor or on the mini trampoline in the playroom.

MadameDefarge · 28/03/2013 12:41

I'd say sure, you can watch it in ds' room!

Pandemoniaa · 28/03/2013 12:42

I always imagine the my house/my rules posters handing their guests a house rule book before they get through the door.

They are almost certainly the sort of people who would queue up to buy the "My House/My Cat/My Rules" poster I saw this week. It concluded, charmlessly, with the words "I prefer my cat to you anyway".

Maryz · 28/03/2013 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigJessie · 28/03/2013 12:43

It's my biggest claim to fame! I may put it on my CV.

gnushoes · 28/03/2013 12:43

I think it is an age thing. We didn't have any rules at our wedding except we wanted everyone to have a nice time. We do ask small kids to remove shoes but that's because they've usually just walked over a field to get here and we prefer that only the hall gets covered in mud. Slightly baffled by the arsiness of the My Rules brigade. Are they that scary in RL?

Salmotrutta · 28/03/2013 12:46

See, I threw In the TV one because I remember Mum and Dad tutting in a horrified manner after the departure of a visiting couple when the man asked to watch something!

Very old-fashioned my folks. Well, they are in their 80s

What about casual throwing-of-legs over chair arms? Or feet propped up on a coffee table? Very rude but what a dilemma! Do you bite tongues?

Or say "Oi, feet off you oik"?

BlueberryHill · 28/03/2013 12:48

Salmotrutta Thu 28-Mar-13 12:31:13

What if someone came to visit and, during tea and cake, asked if you would put the TV on so they could watch the rugby/football/golf?

I have a guest who regularly does this, BIL, does family make it any different? I do it but I find it really rude TBH, we're not a sporty household in that way. I think I find it annoying as he also gets the paper and goes to read it in another room leaving me, DH and SIL to look after the kids. I feel that I am there to provide food, entertain the children whilst he doesn't have to be charming / friendly or helpful in any way.

I hate the my house my rules etc and it normally isn't a problem. However when one particular child visits I do lay down three simple rules to all the children because otherwise it is mayhem that I spend hours clearing up. I cannot not invite them (family ructions) and I also hide the lego models (A whole other thread)

Annunziata · 28/03/2013 12:48

Wedding threads are fascinating. Me, I bought a dress, phoned my million or so relatives and hired the church hall.

I don't get the your child ones. Normally it's 'DH thinks we should do X' and then everyone piles in with 'your child' Did you make the child yourself then?! Baffling.

MadameDefarge · 28/03/2013 12:48

It might be an age thing. I did a good deed (reunited lost mogg with its owner) and rather than call me to say thanks I got a text. it was a nice text, but why the hell not call (as they did when they needed the info for finding the mogg) to say thank you properly. I put myself out! I read a poster! I made ds scrubble in his school bag for a pen to write the number down! I blinking called her! it just seemed so casual for something they clearly cared so much about.

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