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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be jealous?

33 replies

TrippingSpider · 25/03/2013 23:57

So, very quickly. I was sick on Saturday, my younger, single sister needed a lift somewhere so DH said he'd go. I said id make dinner. 2, nearly 3 hours passed and no sign of them so i call and he sounds drunk. Turns out they'd gone for a drink to this little pub on a canal, quite out the way of their route. I'm so angry about it - not because i don't trust either of them, it just feels wrong and inappropriate. Also, yes, im jealous because we have 3 kids and haven't been out for a drink in more than 6 months and i love that pub. He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, refuses to acknowledge he's upset me (you're mad) and she says 'lighten up' (when i asked how it came to be that they went there) AIBU?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/03/2013 00:02

So he hasn't explained how it came to be?

How did he get home?

Plumsofgold · 26/03/2013 00:03

I'd be more pissed off about the ruined dinner. Not sure why you are jealous? Do you not trust your DH?

Dryjuice25 · 26/03/2013 00:05

Sounds like you have trust issues? Do you not trust them? How old is your younger sister? Underage?

Let him babysit whilst you go to the pub one day. You sound knackered.

Original poster
TrippingSpider · 26/03/2013 00:07

Yep, the ruined dinner pissed me off too. Wanted to all eat together but had to feed the kids and wait for him to come back.
Not jealous in the sense that i don't trust him, or her. Just jealous that she got to have a drink with MY husband when i haven't been out with him alone for months. And jealous that he made the effort for her but we never go anywhere. He doesn't seem to want to.

OP posts:
Plumsofgold · 26/03/2013 00:10

How did he get home?

Original poster
TrippingSpider · 26/03/2013 00:12

Plums, he drove. He's always doing it. Says he's only had 2 but you can bet its often more. I'm always telling him not to, hate it. But he does what he wants.

OP posts:
Plumsofgold · 26/03/2013 00:14

Forget the ruined dinner I'd be fucked off that he drove after 3 hours in the boozer!!

Plumsofgold · 26/03/2013 00:15

Also if I was you I would have phoned the police and given them his info and the name of the pub.

Original poster
TrippingSpider · 26/03/2013 00:16

Sorry to dripfeed... She's not underage - early 30s, no kids
Says the drink was to say thanks for the lift, probably was Hmm still knew i was ill and cooking.

OP posts:
Original poster
TrippingSpider · 26/03/2013 00:17

Dryjuice - i am knackered. Thanks for noticing :)

OP posts:
Machli · 26/03/2013 00:19

Yes I would be beyond pissed off by all of it. YANBU at all.

Original poster
TrippingSpider · 26/03/2013 00:33

Machli? So I'm not mental? ;) at least you don't think so. Does it strike you as a bit inappropriate? He really doesn't think so, and i s'pose there's a possibility I'm being a bit oversensitive (illness etc)

OP posts:
Machli · 26/03/2013 00:37

Well the drink driving is beyond the pale. Couldn't respect someone who did that but even after putting that aside I would be pretty pissed off that WE hadn't been out for a drink for ages but he can spend three hours getting pissed up with my sister? In a pub I liked, while I get left at home doing all the shitwork? Nope not on. He'd be wearing his balls as earrings if he was my DP.

MidnightMasquerader · 26/03/2013 00:42

To be able to tell he was drunk over the phone suggests he'd had way more than was appropriate to drive. Frankly, who cares if he gets in crash - but what about whoever he drives into?? What if causes a serious injury to them? Their child? Or worse...? It's unforgivable.

And yes, I'd be jealous of them going out and having a lovely, relaxing time while I was home, ill and cooking them dinner... Hmm Especially if the two of you never get to go out. Not jealous that you don't trust them; that's not what it's about. Jealous of the lovely situation!!

I'd be livid. YANBU.

Softlysoftly · 26/03/2013 00:42

YANBU

But YABmassivelyU accepting drink driving as just something he does. I would leave dh if he ever did that.

It's other people he could kill, perhaps your sister or someone else's child. Next time call the police in the wanker.

anonymosity · 26/03/2013 03:04

I agree with softlysoftly, 100%

Fairyegg · 26/03/2013 08:19

Yanbu, I would be annoyed with des and dh. Why can't des babysit for the night so you can go out?
However yabu to just accept his drink driving. If his actions ever hurt a member of my family I would hold you equally responsible as you know what he does and do nothing to stop it. Could you live with that guilt if he did hurt / kill someone, knowing you could have prevented it by reporting him? I know i couldn't.

adeucalione · 26/03/2013 08:26

YABU to be jealous that they went for a drink - I go go to the pub with my BIL all the time, and AFAIK DH doesn't mind at all. Also, it wasn't pre-arranged, it was a spontaneous thing and I'm sure we've all let time get away with us when we're having a nice time.

YABVU to accept drink driving.

YANBU to wish you could have gone to the pub too, but you were ill - why don't you ask your sister to babysit and plan an afternoon out with your DH yourself.

LibertineLover · 26/03/2013 08:31

You need to arrange a sitter, and a bloody taxi.

YABU to to be jealous they went to the pub, you were ill, but YANBU to be pissed off he went for so long and ruined dinner, very disrespectful.

sit him down and tell him he must stop drink driving, and make time for you both as a couple to go out.

Mopswerver · 26/03/2013 08:32

Well I don't think YABU. I would feel the same. It is inappropriate on both their parts, not to mention completely selfish and inconsiderate. Why didn't your sister want to come home and have a meal and a drink with all of you?

He sounds like a controlling and utterly selfish man. Sorry. Sad

Trazzletoes · 26/03/2013 08:36

Regardless of him having a night out with your sister ( which is really rude - YANBU), I could not have a relationship with someone who thinks its acceptable to drink and drive.

My FIL was killed by a woman who didn't have the self-control to just say no to a drink.

There is NO excuse for it and your DH needs to grow up. Both in regards to his drinking and his respect for you.

adeucalione · 26/03/2013 08:37

Where was he taking her OP? I'm trying to make out whether he was dropping her somewhere (so had a drink on the way there) or taking her somewhere and then waiting around to bring her back (so stopped for a drink on the way back). Also, if he had to wait for her, can we assume that the 2hrs he was out wasn't entirely spent in the pub?

Branleuse · 26/03/2013 08:38

id be seriously fucked off

Hulababy · 26/03/2013 08:43

Yanbu.
He knew you were cooking dinner and he knew you'd expect him back sooner than he was. He also knew you were ill and cooking and with children to look after.

He acted in a selfish manner, thinking only of himself. That's not on. He is the one in the wrong.

And yes, the drinking whilst over the limit is something you need to have a serious conversation about. You can buy one use breathalyser kits on amazon (due to the French laws where all cars need them). Maybe buy them and shock him a bit by him using one after he says "I've only had a couple" - would that work though?

ivanapoo · 26/03/2013 08:52

So your husband:

Takes someone else for a drink when he won't take you
Goes out of his way to go to a nice pub while you're at home, ill, looking after the kids and making dinner
Gets drunk in the few hours he was at the pub
Drink drives home, something "he just does"
Is hours late meaning dinner is ruined
Is wholly unapologetic
When you are upset he gaslights you saying you're mad

He sounds delightful. I know where he'd be going if he was my DH (clue: not the pub with my sister)

And FWIW given how keen he and your sis are to downplay how selfish their behaviour was I wouldn't be surprised if something was going on there (a flirtation most likely).