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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

in thinking my brother & his DW should be allowed to stay at ours when they visit from overseas?

34 replies

ilikeyoursleeves · 25/03/2013 10:14

...even for one night?!

My brother emigrated to NZ 8 years ago and hasn't been back since. He and his wife are planning to come over for 5 weeks in August. I have no idea what their plans are yet but they will be catching up with a lot of people. I was going to email them to say they could stay at ours for a bit but I firstly asked DH if that was ok. He then said no!!!

We live in a 4 bed house but all the rooms are used by us and our 3 children, plus one room is DH's office / man cave. He said he's happy for them to visit but not stay over since there's no room. I said they could sleep in the kids bunk beds and the kids sleep on our bedroom floor but he still said no. He works from home too so he said it would be 'too disruptive' if they stayed. I think the real reason is though he hates any change and feels uncomfortable at the thought of someone else in the house (!), even though its my brother.

I'm not really that close to my brother though and only speak to him once or twice a year since he left. Tbh I'm not utterly desperate for them to stay here but I just think it would be nice to be able to offer. I've no idea where they'll stay, my parents house is a bit of a cluttered and a manky health hazard so doubt they will stay there. I'm hoping they will be staying at my brothers in laws.

AIBU in expecting they should at least stay at ours for even one night?! Or do you think DH has a point?

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 25/03/2013 10:17

If you and your BB were close I would be inclined to say try and accommodate them if you can. However, since you only speak once or twice a year then am in agreement with your DH.

They are probably not even expecting to stay at yours anyway so don't mention it and if they do ask just say you don't have any spare rooms.

tiredlady · 25/03/2013 10:17

YANBU
Your dh sounds rude and controlling.
It's your house too. If you want your db to stay then invite him. I would not let my dh dictate to me like that

YellowDinosaur · 25/03/2013 10:18

I think your dh strongest argument is that he works from home. But presumably he doesn't work 7 days a week.

I don't think it's unreasonable for them to stay for 2 or 3 nights, fitting around his work. I don't think he should get to say they can't come as it's your house too!

Perhaps chat more about what his problem is with them staying as most things could be worked round. For example your kids don't need to sleep in your bedroom if they all bunk in together and your brother and his family share a bedroom.

Dannilion · 25/03/2013 10:19

It's your DH's home too.

Tbh I'm a bit of a hermit, don't like house guests and certainly would not turf my kids of of their bed for someone DH only talks to once or twice a year.

BuntyCollocks · 25/03/2013 10:21

I'd say no if DH asked me that and I had your living situation. I don't think it's fair to expect your kids to sleep on a floor and displace them.

meditrina · 25/03/2013 10:21

When did you last have overnight guests? How was DH with them?

pinkyredrose · 25/03/2013 10:21

Of course they should be able to stay, it's your Brother for Gods sake!

If you wanted to visit NZ and his wife said you couldn't stay with them how would you feel?

tiredlady · 25/03/2013 10:22

It's not as if they are staying for weeks. It's her brother from half way across the world and she wants to invite him to saty for ONE night.
Really, her dh can't be accomodating for one night?!

YellowDinosaur · 25/03/2013 10:25

Bunty my kids would sleep just as well on a floor for Couple of nights as in beds. In fact they have and thought it was great fun. I accept everyone's children wouldn't do this but if the op children would then I don't think it's such a big ask.

I do agree it is the dh home too but there are always compromises to be had and a flat out no from him is not reasonable. They need to chat to find a way where they can find a compromise that works for them all.

echt · 25/03/2013 10:27

YANBU. One night. Who care about the closeness?

YellowDinosaur · 25/03/2013 10:30

My sister also lives in new Zealand. Our existing house is big enough to put them up but in our old 3 bedroom house (one bedroom too small for a single bed) my parents shared ds1 room (which had a double bed and cot bed in) and my sister stayed in the comfortable sofa bed in the lounge with her son. Ds2 was in his cot inn the tiny room and we stayed in ours. For 5 nights. It wasn't comfortable and we didn't get a lot of rest but we were together and that was great.

If dh had said they couldn't stay for flimsy reasons like the op dh I honestly think that would have been a deal breaker. And he doesn't particularly relish people coming to stay either but knew how important it was to me to spend time as a family.

Hopeforever · 25/03/2013 10:36

He is your children's uncle. YANBU

If you went to NZ would you expect to stay with him?

Original poster

ilikeyoursleeves · 25/03/2013 10:45

Meditrina we have never had overnight guests! We often have DH's family over for meals (they are all very close) but very rarely do mine come for a meal as such. My parents visit every month for lunch but its very informal and dh is usually out. Yes I don't think he's putting my wishes first. He is a bit of a hermit too, likes his little home bubble and anything outside that makes him uneasy. Most of my socialising with my friends is done on my own and the kids. He has his friends too but they aren't ever here apart from when they are doing band stuff (he is a musician as well as his day job). I knew he would say no before I even asked! His (lack of) socialising is the one thing about him I really don't like! Though he does seem keen to see my brother and wife when they are over, just not to stay though.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 25/03/2013 10:49

Although I can see both sides I think yanbu.

You haven't seen him for 8 years so I don't think a night is too much to ask tbh.

MamaMumra · 25/03/2013 11:01

I honk YADNBU in expecting that you can have guests overnight - especially family. I really don't get how people are not prepared to put up with the slightest inconvenience.

I think it's important for your husband to accommodate your wishes on this - its one night only and it's your brother. I don't think your DH should get to dictate what happens when your DB comes over.

It's his tough shit if he doesn't like it.

sue52 · 25/03/2013 11:01

YANBU. Your DH is being ridiculous.

MamaMumra · 25/03/2013 11:02

Think, not honk, but if I were telling you the above face to face I'd probably be honking.

N0tinmylife · 25/03/2013 11:06

YANBU, it is one night. I bet your DC would be quite happy to camp on the floor for one night so their uncle can stay!

scurryfunge · 25/03/2013 11:09

If the visit is in August, could you plonk the kids in a tent in the garden?

livinginwonderland · 25/03/2013 11:11

i can see both sides. you don't have room to do this without moving people out of their rooms, and it won't be much fun to have to share a room with your kids and for them to have other people living in their space.

my family are in australia and come to stay if they're in the area - BUT we have two spare rooms so nobody has to give up their bed or personal space. the same with when we go there, they have space and we don't have to move everyone around just to stay the night.

however, i would say that YANBU, it's not for the whole trip, just a few nights. he should be willing to compromise for a few nights for your family.

RantyMcRantpants · 25/03/2013 11:24

As a child we moved around a lot in foreign climes and had lots of visitors and we all shifted round and top and tailed in bed and slept on air beds or zbeds or mattresses on floors, in lounges, dining rooms and squeezed together in other bedrooms. We had a blast.

Your DH is being VVVU

Floggingmolly · 25/03/2013 11:26

He's being completely selfish. I'd be embarrassed if any of my family stayed in the same city, in a hotel.

sashh · 25/03/2013 12:09

Before you discuss it again check your brother's plans.

If I was doing a 5 week catch up I'd probably hire a camper van.

Yfronts · 25/03/2013 12:40

Is he always so inflexible and controlling? Your kids really need a little time to spend with their uncle. I can remember as a child when my uncle came across from far.

It's quite reasonable to day that they can stay Fridays to Mondays? And all pile in a room or two.

spottyparrot · 25/03/2013 12:45

I think you should respect your dh's wishes. People feel differently about their homes, some keep them as a private sanctuary and some like it entertain a procession of guests. If your dh is the former, it will be stressful for him to have these guests. That is unless he is operating double standards and allowing his family or friends to stay.

All your bedrooms are in use and so are all your downstairs rooms. If I was your brother, I wouldn't expect to stay in a house where that was the case.

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