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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gone into my room and cried before I killed the aupair

148 replies

Newtothisstuff · 24/03/2013 21:33

I've had the worst weekend in a long time !
DD1 has ASD and ADHD she has a strict list of no no's as in what she can and can't eat, the smallest thing on the donts list and she's the devils spawn !!
So I get in from work Friday and I can see just by looking at her she's had something, so I asked the aupair what she's had and "nothing" was the reply, so I asked DD and she said sweets after school !! Arghhh the aupair has been told time and time again about this, there's even a list stuck to the fridge of things to avoid and if we do she's fine.
So we've had the weekend from hell because of this.
I'm still moaning stick with me !
Then DD2 who is 10 months is crying for a drink so I get her sippy cup and go to give it a wash and find MOULD inside it, all in the bottom and all in the lid !! Apparently the aupair didn't realise it was mould !! WTF !! She could have harmed poor DD2 ! I was horrified !
I try not to get cross with the aupair she's 26 so not a kid she just seems to have ZERO common sense ! She's leaving in a few weeks thank goodness but my DH is ok nights, I'm 8 weeks pregnant, work full time and I'm shattered, so I've shut myself in my room for an angry cry.
Feel much better now Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Newtothisstuff · 24/03/2013 22:48

Thank you !! Smile Maybe I haven't lost faith in mumsnet after all
I try my best with what we have to work with

OP posts:
apostropheuse · 24/03/2013 22:50

I can't understand why the mould developed in the cup if you and/or your husband were washing the cup out before each use. Even if the au pair hadn't washed the cup, the fact that you were (presumably) washing it out several times per day should have been enough to keep mould at bay. I think you have to take some responsibility for that.

However, I do agree that she should not have given your child something to eat that you had specifically prohibited. That's not acceptable under any circumstances. As the parent of the child it's your decision to make and should be respected.

Perhaps you ought to look at getting professional childcare before your new baby arrives. It's really not something which can be skimped on and it appears that you and your husband are struggling to take care of your children on your own, even with juggling shifts. In fact, I'm really surprised that your shifts always work out that one or other of you can be with your children. I would have thought that you would need professional childcare on the odd occasion already. Surely there must be times when your shifts overlap?

UniqueAndAmazing · 24/03/2013 22:52

it's not mould.
it's limescale.

it happens on our cups too - if you wash it by dunking and swishing, it builds up..
you need to scrub the cup to get rid of it.
that's of course if you just refill it over the dsy instead of giving clean cup every time (or even if you use it once and leave it on the side before washing)

apostropheuse · 24/03/2013 22:56

We don't get limescale here as the water is soft, so I've not really seen it to be honest. Perhaps you're right, unque

Original poster
Newtothisstuff · 24/03/2013 22:58

Your probably right unique,
I give it a soapy wash in the morning before work then (well most mornings when it's not in the changing bag) Just leave it on the drainer, it just gets filled during the day. I don't like putting it in the dishwasher I hate that gritty thing it does sometimes

OP posts:
stressyBessy22 · 24/03/2013 22:59

'I'm off downstairs to turn all the lights off and the tv as the aupairs gone to bed leaving the house looking like Blackpool illuminations ! '

she sounds like she is your whipping boy tbh

Viviennemary · 24/03/2013 23:02

The au pair does sound pretty hopeless. But I think a lot of them are like this. They are only young girls and not trained nannies. I agree that you need somebody more qualified so you can have peace of mind that your children are being looked after properly.

Original poster
Newtothisstuff · 24/03/2013 23:02

What so you would go to bed in the house you lived in,knowing everyone else was in bed and leave all the lights and tv on ?? Who does that ??

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 24/03/2013 23:08

imperial - yes, she should be able to follow instructions and understand the reasons why the OP has said 'no sweets'. But this has been going on since November! That's 5 months. I think the majority of posters without much sympathy are just a bit non-plussed as to why the OP has let this go on.

The sippy cup scenario is just a bit daft. There's 3 adults in the house.

You ask "And why should the carer be qualified", because "It's very rare that someone's qualified to deal with specific special needs before having a child?" ..... well, the OP employed the au pair knowing her DDs needs. Why wouldn't she employ (and monitor) someone who at the very least will follow instructions pertaining to the childs needs?

I'd tell a man the same thing.

stressyBessy22 · 24/03/2013 23:09

You said you had 'shut yourself in your bedroom for an angry cry' not to go to bed.

ReallyTired · 24/03/2013 23:10

"
And why should the carer be qualified? It's very rare that someone's qualified to deal with specific special needs before having a child that suffers from it - should those children be taken from their parents?"

I feel that someone who has sole care of a child with special needs or a pre school child either needs extensive childcare experience or qualifications. In general parents have a gentler learnng curve. Looking after a cute newborn is fairly easy compared to a child who challenges every boundary going.

Parents have time to grow into the role of a mother/father. An au pair is thrown completely in the deep end and there is no maternal instinct. An au pair has no access to a health visitor or a surestart centre for parenting advice or courses.

I feel that the OP sit down with the Au pair and decide what are her duties and what are the Au pair duties.

HildaOgden · 24/03/2013 23:14

'I'd rather pay triple for proper help.'

They were your own words.I suggest you do exactly that.

blackeyedsusan · 24/03/2013 23:14

chocolate is not a problem, it is a solution though. ds will behave for chocolate. Hmm

lisad123everybodydancenow · 24/03/2013 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HildaOgden · 24/03/2013 23:28

Lisa,I hear you...but if all the OP requires is 15 hours a week childcare (that's all she says the au-pair is working),then it wouldn't cost a whole lot extra to pay a professional.

How much does it cost to have a live-in au pair (living expenses plus wage) versus 15 hours of ,say,part-time Nanny/Childminder?Genuine question,by the way,not a smart-arsed one.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 24/03/2013 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TomArchersSausage · 24/03/2013 23:41

Those sippy anywayup cups are tricky to clean.

I used to use a cotton bud on them. But unless you know to look and check for gunk it an easy thing to miss.

HildaOgden · 24/03/2013 23:45

Sticking to dietary requests doesn't necessarily equate to the requirement for a 'special/additional needs' Nanny,OP herself says that 99 per cent of the time others wouldn't realise there was anything 'wrong' with the child (again,her words,not mine...I personally think kids on the spectrum are 'right' more often than they get credit for,but I'm digressing!).

Op was happy enough to hire an unqualified/inexperienced au-pair ....and pay wage and living expenses...in exchange for 15 hours of childcare.(where she wasn't left in sole charge anyway).

My point is,that for the same money,she could quite possibly get a live-out/part time employee who is both qualified and experienced in childcare.I'm suggesting that she goes down that route the next time she is employing someone instead.

thezebrawearspurple · 24/03/2013 23:54

It's not mould if you're washing it out everyday, I agree with whoever said it was limescale, you need to scrub, you're baby will be fineSmile

As for the sweets, I know the reaction I used to get to certain e numbers and other additives, swinging out of the curtains, running over the furniture screeching a million miles a minute, I don't know how bad your daughter is on them but it must be exhausting and she has additional needs so may be negatively affected in other ways. I can imagine how infuriating it must be to repeatedly tell someone to not do something because it is harmful to your child and have them blatantly ignore your wishes. How rude and contemptuous. YANBU, I think you've been very restrained in your response to that.

You sound exhausted, hope you get a good nights sleepFlowers

Morloth · 25/03/2013 02:09

Both my kids are completely bog standard, as in NT, no allergies etc.

If they eat anything containing artificial colours and flavours or sweeteners or anything like that, they definitely react badly - not the sugar, the sugar itself doesn't seem to cause any problems, but they both go a bit crazy on e-numbers. It isn't in my head, it is cause and effect.

OP, it just sounds like this aupair isn't a fit for your family, not too worry you only have a couple more weeks.

As for mould in sippy cups, it happens, it isn't a big deal.

Monty27 · 25/03/2013 02:15

Mould in a sippy cup is bogging Shock

I suggest you and your dh spend at least some time looking at the hygiene in your home.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 25/03/2013 02:25

Aspartame + DS2 = DS2 literally running up and down the hallway for 3+ hours, non-stop. I have had an aspartame free house for years. I give in occasionally, certain sweets he loves have it in. Every time, sane thing. He's 9 now and still no improvement.

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 25/03/2013 02:32

Mind you, I'm actually properly allergic to aspartame & saccharine. Like, rash, puffy face, hives, swelling tongue, struggling to breathe allergic.

I have an epipen for if I accidentally ingest sweeteners. It's been about 4 years, but I'm very careful with label reading. I keep saying that I'd be screwed if I was ever dxd with diabetes!

Sweeteners are really bad for everyone, they are just worse for others!

babanouche · 25/03/2013 02:41

Hi OP, just wanted to chuck my tuppence worth of support in here to balance out the nastiness you've received on this thread.

I'd sit down with the au pair and put her on a last warning. Make it clear if your dd has sweets again then it's home time for the au pair.

Oh, and I'd maybe eat some chocolate and plan a bath night for myself too Wink

MidniteScribbler · 25/03/2013 03:26

If the parent says no sweets, then that means no sweets, whether you agree with it or not. I au paired in the US when I was younger, and just because I didn't agree with all of the rules and regulations the parents made, doesn't mean I could just ignore them.

The sippy cup, well if it gets washed daily in hot water, well I'd find it very hard to believe that it developed mould so quickly, could it just have been some soapy scum on the bottom from it not being dryed out properly after it's last wash? I live in a very hot and humid climate, and even we don't get mould developing that quickly.