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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

about pre-teen boys not washing...

26 replies

balia · 24/03/2013 21:19

Is this a phase all boys go through? DSS is 10 and getting more and more difficult about washing/showering/hair washing. Until pretty recently, he's been fine about getting in the bath with DS, but after a little incident I got advice from on here to get him being more independent, so have been encouraging showers. Tonight after having been swimming and out on his bike he spent exactly 4 minutes in the shower (DS and I were playing a timed game, before anyone thinks I am lurking outside the bathroom with a stopwatch) and I later found the remains of a boiled sweet in his hair He keeps finding excuses not to wash/wash properly.

Just so I'm not dripfeeding, his Mum has some 'alternative' views that include washing being bad for you (gets rid of natural oils in the skin) so it isn't as straightforward as just marching him back to the shower.

Are DH and I unreasonable in thinking a shower/bath per day is preferable? How often do preteens wash?

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 21:27

There is a certain amount of laziness (In my experience it went from 12-14) where they go from water babies, through a period of minging filth, then they discover girls and it's back to an hour in the shower, copious amounts of hair gel and lynx.

I think it does depend on the odour they give off - heavy sports players should shower daily, pyjama lollopers can get away with every other day.

he's not going to be sweaty after swimming, and its too cold to sweat up on a bike, unless you are posting from down town Jo'burg?

PacificDogwood · 24/03/2013 21:30

Yes, I'd go by smell or obvious dirt.
DS1 aged 10 does not really smell of anything in particular yet, even when sweaty.
DS2 aged 9 pongs - always has done .

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 24/03/2013 21:33

12-14 eh? So hopefully DS1 should be growing out of this phase any ... time ... now.

I thought it was just my son being a stinky lazy little so and so, glad to hear other peoples sons are doing the same :D

HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 21:37

if I showed you photos of DS1's room - which I used to go into with a shovel and bin bags every 6 months, you would be horrified.

It smelt of dead bodies ..... I kid ye not ..... and he smelt much the same.

I do look back at that lovely shiny faced primary school boy, with nicely pressed trousers and his shirt tucked in, tie done up properly and think Urgh! what happened!!', as his jeans are slung round his knees and he lives in a rather manky zip top I have to steal and wash over night.

Toasttoppers · 24/03/2013 21:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maggie111 · 24/03/2013 21:40

His Mum might be influencing him - I wouldn't go on about how he should shower every day etc, don't fight against that. Just create a "in this household you must shower every day and brush your teeth twice a day" (or whatever rules you want) and insist they be done by X time - so the evening is his to read/TV/gaming or whatever he does.

Original poster

balia · 24/03/2013 21:41

Oh God, looks like I have ages to go yet! In terms of smell, well today he smelled of chlorine from the baths. It is his hair that is the worst - it is all greasy and dirty-looking. He does a fair bit of sport - cross-country at the moment with the school (weather permitting) and football practice every week plus matches st the weekends. I wonder if there is a nice kid-friendly website that gives info about the importance of being clean etc?

OP posts:

Annunziata · 24/03/2013 21:41

My boys never did this but it seems really common.

OhLori · 24/03/2013 21:43

My son aged 10 has a really good bath once a week and I think that is enough - just about! That said, I have noticed a stronger, more sweaty "smell" when he has been running about alot, but it normally subsides in 10 mins, so I am OK with that. I might increase the bath to every 5 days, but no more frequently unless things change again.

Personally, I think a bath/shower every day is too frequent and it may be that that your DSS is objecting to more, rather than bathing/showering in principle.

HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 21:43

DS2 (16) plays a lot of sport, he showers at least once, if not twice a day

DS3 (12) - starting to have that whole argument every night. But he isn't smelly yet.

PacificDogwood · 24/03/2013 21:46

I remember going through a water-shy phase, aged 10-12 or so. I am NOT a boy .

I do think that the full bath/shower every day, regardless, is more than is needed for general hyiene and social acceptability. And may be well too much for dry skins.

Also, with the added family politics of him being your DSS, I'd take a rather relaxed view tbh...

Original poster

balia · 24/03/2013 21:48

Oops - x-posted. His room is really kept tidy - he loves to have it neat and clean. He's good at putting his clothes in the dirty basket (except for socks, weirdly - he likes to put those back on) and always before has been fine about bathing every day. We don't talk about washing at home - if anything things are much better at the moment because they are living with gran and she puts him in the bath when mum is out, so it isn't as pressing as it used to be - it's just not something we are used to, having had DD spending eons in the bathroom since she was 11!

OP posts:

HollyBerryBush · 24/03/2013 21:50

I don't like the smell of chlorine and cant stand that 'cooty' feeling swimming leaves on your skin, but as a compromise, how about gel in the showers at the pool after he's finished swimming?

Scholes34 · 24/03/2013 21:50

When DS1 was 11, he wore the same clothes and didn't wash for two whole weeks whilst we were on holiday (camping). He didn't smell at all (still doesn't at the age of 14). When DD was 11, there was always a fug of body odour when a group of her friends were round.

Depends on the child. A bit of muck doesn't hurt.

nokidshere · 24/03/2013 21:52

My two teens (12 & 15) bath once a week and shower almost daily in the winter but shower once or twice a day in the summer when a)they are naturally smellier and b) they play more sports.

BUT they both have to be nagged to get in the shower - and once they are in I can't get them out!!!

And, for what it's worth, there is quite a lot of truth in the fact that frequent bathing/showering is bad for your skin!

Original poster

balia · 24/03/2013 21:54

He is really anti showering at the baths - he is a bit body conscious and is fine in the water but doesn't want to stand in the open shower area. I don't think that is an excuse, he really doesn't like it.

DH and I have talked about it, we're not 'pushing' him but we do want him to look clean - I just wanted to know that we weren't alone!

OP posts:

OhLori · 24/03/2013 22:06

Yes, balia, sometimes its a question on the edge of our consciousness - its good if an OP raises it and it helps to get a variety of replies ...

tollyandfeste · 24/03/2013 22:12

No joke, my DP has issues about washing!!! He has a dirty outdoorsy job and hobbies are gardening and dog walking all which involve him getting filthy. He then can't see what the point of washing is when he is off to get dirty again. I practically have to order him in the shower each night, lol. If I go away he doesn't bother so I know I will have to change sheets as soon as home. I spoke to his mum about it and she said it started when he was about 10 with a brief interval of frantic washing and hair gel from 14-16 (discovered girls) and then relapsed back. He is 33!!!

cleangreens · 24/03/2013 22:20

A bath once a week???? Omg no.

I have two boys and they bath every other day. Wash their hair every other time. Urgh at thought of leaving them for a week...

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 24/03/2013 23:00

I remember clearly the day I ran a bath, called no2 son and told him that if he didn't get in it, and wash himself and his hair to my satisfaction, I was coming in to scrub him like a baby, and had DH standing by to "enforce" if necessary, with or without DS's clothes...
That was what it took, but luckily, DS realised I meant business, got clean, and after that I just used to tell him every third day and in he got.
Once he got a bit older 13 or so he started bathing volntarily again, and now he's 18 we have to plan the whole family around his Bathroom Time as he is in there for hours and smell like a tart's boudoir much better

lollilou · 24/03/2013 23:04

My ds is 10 and would go forever without having a bath(refuses to shower) if I didn't nag him to take one. dd(13) on the other hand has a shower every day.
He doesn't smell but he has very long hair and it just looks dirty/greasy after a day or two.

cece · 24/03/2013 23:06

Not just boys I'm afraid. DD (11) is minging at the moment. Nothing I say seems to get though to her.

I'd like her to shower daily, if I'm lucky it is twice a week! As for changing her clothes - shudder.

Mabelface · 24/03/2013 23:53

One of my 14 year old boys is a minger who we have to order into the shower. He thinks lynx does the same job as washing. The other boy showers without being told whilst their sister of the same age spends hours in the bathroom. Each is different.

Pandemoniaa · 25/03/2013 00:05

At this age, ds1 was fond of baths and showers and remained relatively clean although an awful lot of dirt seemed to transfer itself straight onto the bath towels. ds2, on the other hand would go to great lengths (and some inconvenience to himself) to avoid coming into contact with soap and water. In fact he would faff around not washing in the bathroom for longer than it would have taken him to have a sodding bath in the first place. He grew out of this soap-dodging phase by 13 after which gallons of water were used daily and the bathroom made positively toxic by the apres-shower clouds of Lynx that were sprayed around.

I insisted on daily baths or showers but I suspect it would have been harder to be insistent if they'd been stepchildren who had the option of not bathing in their other parent's house though.

Original poster

balia · 25/03/2013 21:10

I think I might look around for some sort of 'trendy' bath/shower stuff, make it more of a treat? Also might put DS in the bath early and then let DSS have the bathroom to himself with some boy-friendly bath bombs or something - he is going through a phase of being fascinated by disco-type lights and DD has a bath lightshow thing I got her of one of those 'gift' type websites, DSS could have that in his bath.

DH and I have always been fairly insistent about bathing because it has only happened when with us - so once a month he used to go without any full washing for a fortnight, and arrive with that grey, ground in dirt look. But as he is getting at least a weekly bath at grans I think we will go for bathing as a fun activity, thus avoiding the difficult issue of us vs mum in terms of hygiene. Thanks all!

OP posts:

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