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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be cross with ds, he thinks I am

29 replies

likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:07

we have a reward system so many stars means a prize from my treat selection. ds got enough chose a prize and said what he wanted next. it doesnt work like that I said, somebody else might pick it before you so pick the thing you want most. as predicted someone else got to it and picked this other thing. he is now stomping around with a right face on him being grouchy with everyone.grr

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YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:12

I would probably try to have a separate selection for each child, given you want him to buy into the system.

I don't think YABU as it isnt technically unfair but I can't see what you gain from standing your ground.

If it were me I would want to say yes to his request as you are trying to set up a reward system he values.

But I don't like prizes full stop as it all becomes about the prize!

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:20

it is generally a bag of pocket money type toys or little sweets,pens.he is being a right grouch. what else would work beside prizes? genuine question there ss has sn and is very much about the end result being the prize. think I've approached it wrong need a better plan for the prize

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BlackholesAndRevelations · 23/03/2013 08:27

Yup, I think you should have let him work towards the prize he wanted. Sorry! I see no problem with teaching a child with sen to behave by rewarding him; so what if it's all about the prize? To be honest with some sen (asd) children don't understand why you need to behave but if they know that they get a prize for doing so, they are more likely to behave.

SoupDreggon · 23/03/2013 08:30

I'm with you, OP. Another child also wanted that prize - should they be "punished" because he chose something else?

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:30

don't know if I've explained right, ds chose something then said what he was having next time then In the meantime ss chose this other thing. hm trying to think of a way to offer prize without the inevitable ooh this is what im getting next as u say it is working In regards to behaviour. I have a flawed system Smile. need a new plan

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Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:31

ah thanks soup I do see how it must be frustrating that he wanted that but my point was he chose something else so that's how it worked out.

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YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:35

The thing is, it doesn't really matter who is 'right' the system has raised an issue which is overshadowing the system itself, so change the system to get it working for you again.

I think he was being cheeky but he has found a way to undermine the system.

There is a,whole philosophy about rewards/punishments full stop but perhaps you could say the prize is 30 mins of everyone in the house playing what the child wants or something, then it comes from inside their head so no chance of moaning about the prize!

fieldfare · 23/03/2013 08:36

Make it a blind draw? So they put their hand in the bag to draw something out but do so without looking? Obv you'll have only put things in the bag that they'd all be happy with.

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:40

both good ideas, having lots of problems re behavior lately so just looking to tackle by reward. they are all generic prizes so that could work. activity would If everyone joined in rather than sloping off because they don't like what the other child has picked. will have a think Smile.

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YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:47

You could make it activity for just you & the child who won, then they get your attention?

It is bloody hard work sometimes!

Peacocklady · 23/03/2013 08:55

Buy the prize he wanted next again and have 2 of everything. I know you can't back down and they find loopholes everywhere but say you've thought about it and you think it's fairer this way, it's not because he's stropping!

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:55

that sounds like a good idea. we are skint at the minute so the prizes are tending to be small can do at home type things.

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Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 08:57

good idea peacock Smile. would be a nice suprise if he got enough and there was another one in there. things have been tough for him we lost his nanna to cancer late last year but his behaviour specifically the getting in a strop and not being able to get back out of it is really wearing

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Peacocklady · 23/03/2013 09:14

Yes my DS is like that at the moment, he just can't take no for an answer sometimes, you end up having to out-stubborn them but you feel like you're being petty. In my ds's case he's tired at the moment (it's a long moment) but emotional events take a toll as well.

mrsjay · 23/03/2013 09:19

I think having treats for each is the way go so your son knows where he stands you are in the right FWIW and he is just throwing a strop cos he isn't getting his own way, but if you want to continue witht he star chart thing then he needs to realise why he is getting the treat and not strop because he isnt getting his way, kind of defeats the purpose of a good behaviour chart,

mrsjay · 23/03/2013 09:21

Make it a blind draw? So they put their hand in the bag to draw something out but do so without looking? Obv you'll have only put things in the bag that they'd all be happy with.

Oh i didnt read on do this is a great idea Smile

CecilyP · 23/03/2013 09:23

Was there no time delay between his saying he would like this thing next and his, or the other child, actually earning it? If so, why could you not buy a second one? If you have a reward system, you know that you have to keep your rewards topped up. I am not surprised he is disappointed and is unable to conceal his disappointed in a way that an adult would.

NewAtThisMalarky · 23/03/2013 09:29

Instead of them choosing a prize when they have enough points, let them choose the prize in advance that they want to work towards?

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 09:30

I couldn't buy a second one as they were reduced to clear so none left. another shop might have one though there was a week's difference in chosing but behavior meant he didn't get all of his stars.

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Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 09:31

rewards bag is totally topped up but only one of each thing. some good ideas perhaps if they knew what they were working towards instead

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ChippingInIsEggceptional · 23/03/2013 09:34

I would have put it aside and let ss choose out of the remainder - he wouldn't have known, so it wasn't hurting anyone. Why make your life more difficult?

I don't especially like 'reward' systems as I don't think it teaches them about doing the right thing, because it's the right thing - iyswim, however, there are situations where, although it might not be a perfect system - it helps. Having a child with sn who does respond to a reward system is one of those situations.

Why not let them choose the reward they are working towards. Either restrict the £ value (if they are old enough to get that) OR work out how many 'stars' they need to get to 'earn' that reward - so a packet of fizzers might be 5 stars, but a small box of lego 20 stars.

For the reward system to work - it has to be a reward they want, not just a random thing.

He's a small child (and one with sn), being upset and showing it is pretty normal :)

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 09:45

yep in hindsight that's what I should of done. its not ds with sen it is ss. the rewards just seem to work particularly well for both of them but I like the idea of stars for a certain thing. things are tight at the minute o worry about not having the Money spare when they get the stars hence why I've been buying small bits as and when

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ChippingInIsEggceptional · 23/03/2013 09:58

If it works, it works and sometimes it's about 'survival' and not 'ideal' :)

I think the best thing then is to keep buying the things you are and let them choose something to work towards from that, work it so that they get to choose when the other one isn't around. If it's something you think they will both love - get two, if there aren't two, don't get one!

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 10:33

If you feel you made a SMALL error in this, just apologise and move on. In the scheme of things this is not big, we have all had arguments and then thought 'why am I here?!?' it is just part and parcel of parenting.

Don't give yourself a hard time.

He is learning all the time and you saying, oops maybe I made a small mistake is a good lesson too. He will not be scarred by this one thing!

Original poster
likesnowflakesinanocean · 23/03/2013 10:49

haha thats good to hear, i have been totally overcompensating for how shit things have been, trying hard not too

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