Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off with dh for continually underming me with kids?

32 replies

hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 07:15

2 kids. 9ds and 7ds, dh on probably 8 occasions out of 10, will tell me off there and then if I reprimand the kids.e.g this morning at 6.15 in our bed, cos the older one was uncomfortable- I was asleep_ he started to shout/moan loudly,complaining about it. I told him to stop it, that I had been asleep and it was not fair for him to behave like that.he did not comment on his behaviour at all but instead told me off for telling him off,AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 07:16

Sorry not clear.it was ds who was way shouting and dh who did not comment on that behaviour

OP posts:
Montybojangles · 23/03/2013 07:17

No, you know your not. He is being an idiot.

HollyBerryBush · 23/03/2013 07:17

In that scenario, it's you undermining him reprimanding the child.

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 07:19

Holly not sure what u mean? I told off child.he then told me off for telling off child,

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 23/03/2013 07:23

Still not clear.

Who was in what bed yelling at who?

Montybojangles · 23/03/2013 07:26

Child shouting, mum said stop, husband told her off for telling child to stop,no?

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 07:30

Sorry.kids had come in during the night,in morning.older kid wanted more space.instead of getting up or asking dad to move.kid on dad's side.kid started to shout/moan about needing more space and completely woke me up.I told off kid.said it was not fair to be shouting and complaining and waking me up.had been dozing lightly.dh then told me off ,saying I should not tell off ds,did not comment at all on ds shouting.this is a repeated pattern.to extend that if for example on one occasion ds was shouting at dinner table.I said can you please stop that.dh said "why should he?"

OP posts:
Branleuse · 23/03/2013 07:37

its abusive imo

LindyHemming · 23/03/2013 07:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Montybojangles · 23/03/2013 07:39

He is showing you a lack of respect, and undermining your authority, and teaching your child to question your decisions. Talk to him in private and tell him he needs to always back you up in discipline, if he has an issue he should speak to you away from the children.
He sounds rather childish himself, sorry.

Jengnr · 23/03/2013 08:06

Is it because they're boys and he wants to show them women should not be listened to? In which case pack his bags.

EmmelineGoulden · 23/03/2013 08:09

He is undermining you, it's bad. But it also sounds like you might have very different ideas on what is acceptable behaviour or discipline.

Do you have a shared vision of the boundaries for your kids and of what you think works best in terms of discipline?

BlackholesAndRevelations · 23/03/2013 08:22

If he was uncomfortable he should have bloody well gone back to his OWN bed. He's 9, right?

On the subject of your thread, no you're definitely not being unreasonable and he's being a complete shit.

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 08:24

In theory we do.but he can't seem to stop himself........kids actually tell their friends that it does not matter if mum tells them off cos dad will then tell her off.God it looks really bad written down.

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:30

This is totally out of order. Totally.

Do you feel it has always been this way or is this a new thing?

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:31

Jengnr asks an interesting and important question IMO.

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 08:35

No.Not cos boys.he wants them to be our friends,I say they may be our friends when grown up but now we are the parents,also he is scared of them not liking him.

OP posts:
YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 08:37

Ok, he at least explains.

Would he go for parenting courses? Or couples counselling?

This is not on at all and is really going to cause trouble once they are bigger.

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 08:52

No cos he thinks he is right,he had v controlling parents particularly mother and . Is so desperate not to be same

OP posts:
EmmelineGoulden · 23/03/2013 09:10

That is sad about his childhood. So he see the way you talk to the DCs as too harsh?

MY DH did not have the happiest childhood, while mine was pretty happy. It definitely impacts the things we place value on for our kids - he sees their immediate happiness as something important to facilitate. I somewhat take it for granted that they will be happy and do more to emphasize making sure they behave well enough that we can easily do things like take them both out on day trips without it becoming fraught.

He doesn't always do things the way I'd like and I don't always do things the way he'd like. But we dont' undermine each other. We talk about it after they've gone to bed if theres something one us thinks is going in the wrong direction. And we both try to take on board the other's point of view.

Could you talk to your DH about going on a parenting course as a way for you both to look at how you parent together?

LindyHemming · 23/03/2013 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Montybojangles · 23/03/2013 10:51

He needs to realise he can do just as much harm to his children by being the opposite extreme to his mother in parenting technique.
You can always be best friends with your children, sometimes you have to set boundaries to give them a safe and secure environment to grow up in. How does he think they will learn to respect others and their needs if they are always allowed to have and do whatever they want, regardless of others needs?
He needs to understand there is a middle ground.

Original poster
hwjm1945 · 23/03/2013 11:46

I think a . Parenting course might be good for both of us.I am not perfect but think that he may be too fragile in his views to be flexible about changing them if u see what I mean.I often feel he is setting up a situation of me against him and his mates I.e the kids.just now one looking for tennis racquet.dh said .
''Ask mummy.she's the one who hides stuff away and tidied it into places where you can.
'T find it'. Why can't he just say .Ask mummy.
'

OP posts:
Fluffymonster · 23/03/2013 12:15

''Ask mummy.she's the one who hides stuff away and tidied it into places where you can'T find it'. Why can't he just say .Ask mummy.

Oh no, that's quite poisonous and undermining - no wonder you're pissed off.

Do you challenge him on it? It seems as though he's projecting some of his past resentments towards his controlling Mum, onto you - which is totally not fair.

If it carries on he will just slot you into that role - treat you like his Mum, teach your kids to behave like rebels. It's not good for your boys to be around that attitude all the time, as they will follow his lead (sounds like they're already starting to).

You need to draw some very clear boundaries and tell him exactly where to get off each time he undermines you. With examples like the ones you've mentioned, and show him an acceptable alternative way to behave. I think he's a bit clueless and unaware of what he's doing as he's over-compensating for how his Mum treated him. Personally I would be furious.

YellowandGreenandRedandBlue · 23/03/2013 12:59

Wow, that is really quite bad. He is actually making you out to be a bad person.

He has issues he needs to deal with.

Really horrible for your kids as well as you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread