Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you get treated better by society in general if you aren't fat?

43 replies

SneezingwakestheJesus · 22/03/2013 23:06

I'm just musing to myself as I'm on a bit of a downer about the weight I've put on while I've not been well and am wondering if I am being unreasonable to think you get treated better in general if you aren't fat?

I've been a size 8 and I'm now more a size 20 and life is so different. Is that because I'm fat or is it because I have less confidence now I'm fat? Thinking about it, I don't think I lost confidence until after the nasty reactions I've had since being fat so I don't think its the lack of confidence but the fat itself. I've had nasty comments from strangers when I was minding my own business on a train, had a snarky comment from a practice nurse when I changed doctors just after I had my baby ("don't you WATCH your weight?" with a disgusted face as if I was shit on her shoe) and I find generally in shops and stuff its a lot rarer now to be looked at when I'm spoken to even though I am as nice and polite as I was when I was thin. Its like I'm wearing a cloak of invisibility made out of my flab or something and it feels very strange.

Its got me wondering what else will be affected by this new invisibility/reaction to me being a fat person. Job interviews? Meeting new friends? Taking dd to toddler groups?

AIBU?

OP posts:
monsterchild · 22/03/2013 23:07

YANBU, fat does change how people treat you.

recall · 22/03/2013 23:11

YANBU. A few years ago, I lost 6 stone. I started to notice people being nasty about fat people in my presence. Of course they had no reason to hold back, I was thin, but I felt really angry and defensive on their behalf.

Kleptronic · 22/03/2013 23:12

Yes you're right, as far as my personal experience goes. I've been an 8 and an 18 and am struggling to stay a 12 right now. I was treated substantially differently when I was at my thinnest, even to how I am now. YANBU. It does make a difference. Wrongly. I am the same person I ever was.

SoggySummer · 22/03/2013 23:15

Definately agree with you. Fat people get treated like shit by SOME other people.

I have been a size 24 and now am struggling to maintain a 12 to 14. I was a 10 18 months ago.

When I was a size 24 people said some appallingly rude things to me. Its like a licence to treat you like shit. People also judge you before they get to know you. People from all sections of society think they have the right to pass comment with no regard to your feelings.

My obstrician on my 6 week post C section check up made some rude comment about my weight and overhang. Strange people at a bus stop muttered "fat cow" and "look at the size of the arse on that" well withinnmy ear shot and whilst physically pointing at me.

I struggle to maintain a "normal" size and weight but like to think that I treat people who are larger than I am currently the same way as I like to to treated.

I dont get why people think its OK. Its cruel.

Ratata · 22/03/2013 23:23

I guess this is the good thing about pretty much always being overweight (apart from when I was a kid) as I don't notice being treated a certain way because of my weight. Maybe I am treated different but I wouldn't know. Had a few comments from drunk men "you would be pretty if you were thin". Cheers mate... The people who matter have no issue with it and that's the main thing.

I did find that when I was losing weight, people were nastier to me and tried to sabotage my diet. They were happier when I was bigger and ate 'bad' foods like they did. These people being overweight themselves.

Remember that the comments people make say a lot more about them that it does about you. The ones who treat you bad very likely have insecurities and bitching makes them feel better. Don't let them get the better of you. Pity them for their lack of acceptance.

Kleptronic · 22/03/2013 23:26

Hmm. Pity them for having such a shaky self identity they have to make one up by being horrible.

MammaTJ · 22/03/2013 23:28

YABU!! I am a size 26 and 21 stone, I really do not get this negative treatment! I have never been turned down for a job I have gone for. I have a wide group of friends. I enjoy my life.

The one place it does make a difference is in the doctors surgery. I feel every medical problem is blamed on my weight. If my head fell off it would be because I am fat!!

Domjolly · 22/03/2013 23:28

In alot of peoples minds being fat equates to being lazy not having alot of self respect and being displined

Andbefore any one gets ants in there pants its not my personal boew what i imagine what a lot of people may think.

AgentZigzag · 22/03/2013 23:35

I don't like to bring the government into it, but I think by putting people not managing their weight on the public shit list they've made it really easy for society to turn on anyone above a certain weight.

People like to feel superior to other people to make themselves feel better about the shit lists they're on. ('it's OK that I smoke and drink shed loads because I'm not overweight')

It doesn't matter where in the pecking order they are, there are always those lower down who they can feed off by humiliating them in front of other people.

Sunnywithshowers · 22/03/2013 23:38

YANBU at all.

I'm now a size 20 but have gone up and down. I have noticed a massive difference in the way I have been treated.

LehmanSisters · 22/03/2013 23:38

Fully agree, life is so much easier as a thin person. I've been obese, size 20+, and now I'm quite skinny and people are nicer and more pleasant to you as a thin person.

I wasn't surprised by the difference in how strangers treat you thin vs. fat but was amazed at how it makes a big difference with acquaintances. People in the school yard who have ignored you for years start up conversations with you etc.

Though I have to say that there is a subset of the population that seem hell bent on telling you that you are too thin, you eat like a sparrow, eat more, you should have more curves, men like you to have a bit of meat on you ad infinitum so basically, you can't win!

SneezingwakestheJesus · 22/03/2013 23:38

Yeah, I did wonder if that had something to with it for a lot if the people I've had comments from domjolly. I've heard that said before but can't remember where.

Thanks everyone for the replies. On one hand its good to know I'm not imagining it but on the other its a bit crap that there's so many people out there who think its okay to treat fatter people more differently like the majority of us have experienced. Those of you who have lost the weight, do you find the fact you are treated better now you are thinner makes you a bit more wary of people? Or is it a relief after having it the other way when you were fatter?

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 22/03/2013 23:45

Yes, it's been shown in studies that people will treat you worse if you are fat than if you are slim. You're considered to be less intelligent for starters.

AgentZigzag · 23/03/2013 00:07

Goad is - 'Provoke or annoy (someone) so as to stimulate some action or reaction.'

Internet troll is - 'someone who posts inflammatory,extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community...with the primary intent of provoking readers into an emotional response or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion

Look the same to me.

AgentZigzag · 23/03/2013 00:08

Eek, posted on the wrong thread Blush

Not done that one before, sorry OP.

SneezingwakestheJesus · 23/03/2013 00:09

Oooh I panicked then haha! Grin

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 23/03/2013 00:14

I meant to put it on the miserable MNers thread Grin

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2013 00:26

I'm sorry to hear you've had such awful comments OP Sad

But I'm not sure it would necessarily be any different if for example you were very thin.

If you were thin with bright ginger hair.

If you were thin with a huge nose.

Thin with extremely thick lenses on your glasses.

Thin with a large birthmark on your face.

Thin and wearing a sari/burka/turban.

What I'm trying to say is, nasty people who are nasty enough to point/stare/comment will do it for a whole host of 'reasons'...and those 'reasons' will always reflect their ignorance and random hatred.

So given that fact, it's probably better to work on trying to brush them off in your mind and pay them no more thought.

Easier said than done, I know.

twitchycurtains · 23/03/2013 00:40

YANBU, You do get treated differently. I may currently be overweight however I can still see the facial expressions and hear the comments no matter how loudly they are whispered. My excess weight surprisingly don't affect my hearing or my sight! It's rude and it's unkind, but having been both slim and currently very far away from slim I have come to expect it.

RoryAndJess · 23/03/2013 00:48

I've been a size 8-12 since I was 18.

When people say they were treated differently - in what way?

Are people nicer to you if you are thinner? Do you get served quicker? Are people more polite?

I'm curious.

TigOldBitties · 23/03/2013 00:56

I've only ever been overweight after 3 pregnancies close together. Maybe it's linked to the perception of myself but I felt very ignored. Particularly by men, I'm no oil painting but like most women I usually get that glance of acknowledgment from men, but when I was overweight I was noticeably ignored. I found myself waiting longer at bars, in shops, people dropping doors on me or not moving out of my way. I really felt like I was treated as if I was sub-human half the time.

That obviously sounds really extreme and as I said a percentage may be a result of the feelings I had about myself, but I really got the feeling that people thought they didn't need to bother with me.

BigSpork · 23/03/2013 01:10

Yes, there are intersectional issues but it would make a difference if she was very thin. Being fat is another intersection within our society where people die because of the hate - both by abuse and violence against them and by the far too many heart breaking cases of medical neglect caused by medical professional's bias against fat people and refusing to do the same checks and care they would do for a thin person, resulting in injury and death. The blaming of any health problems on the weight and blaming the individual for the weight to the point of not seeing larger people as people. It's systematic in health, media, in every area of treating large people as less than.

I am very thin, I have always been underweight (due to neglect as a child). My medical problems have never been put down to my weight (even when they were a strong cause of it - it's always been lacking this mineral or that vitamin, something very precise rather than being underweight in general). My partner, who is large, has had several medial professionals fob him off and several others say they were intending to fob him off until they learned that his knee and back injuries were caused by an assault rather than self-inflicted by his weight. They say that to his face. They've had no remorse in giving less care to those they deem as undeserving, that being larger people.

HerrenaHarridan · 23/03/2013 01:24

Depends on your perception of better

when I was in and around a size ten I used to have to deal with the ogling leech chancing his luck quite a lot, it's not been as much of a problem since I gained about six stone Wink

Plus when my exp turned crazy on me I was able to physically pick him up and throw him out.

There are lots of advantages to not being a waif Smile

BandersnatchCummerbund · 23/03/2013 01:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImperfectPirouette · 23/03/2013 04:59

I think Worra (who in my head is absolutely Worrals by the way) makes a very good point: people are hostile towards others for many reasons not just weight.

It does seem that unpleasantness towards fat people is perhaps seen as more widely accepted than other forms of discrimination. (Ech, am to tired to be rephrasing that. It was not meant as A Hilarious Pun though, I promise.) I think there is a certain mingling of fear ("That Could Be ME") & peculiar-misplaced assumption of a kind of moral superiority ("that would never be me, how can they let themselves get like that, they are obviously very greedy & lazy"). I also agree with AgentZigag's point about the government effectively legitimising the vilification of overweight & obese people. That said, you have probably also become more aware of comments like this as you gained weight as you now feel they are directed towards you. I mean, obviously some of them v sadly are, but am meaning you'll pick up on the background noise (as it were) of them much more.

MammaTJ & BigSpork With regards to the behaviour of medical professionals I think that doctors get so used to horses (the majority of the time for the majority of people [certain] physical health problems will be due to/aggravated by their being overweight) they forget that they need to watch out for zebras all the same. I know there is also often a feeling of frustration (similar to that around treating smokers for pulmonary problems) around patients who could improve their physical health "just" (inverted commas because while in theory it is a v simple "eat less + move more = reduction in weight" equation it's not really that easy for most people to do) by losing weight. Treating patients who are in denial about their weight can also sometimes make them impatient with patients who accept that are overweight/obese, I think. When so many people refuse to engage with the idea that their symptoms are due to their weight it must make it harder to pick out the people who aren't just in denial, iyswim? Doesn't make it any easier/better for people who have to deal with this kind of response from medics though, I know.

Also, I have frequently had physical health problems attributed to my being underweight. In some cases my weight was a contributing factor - e.g. I was on the borderline of full-blown osteoporosis a couple of years ago. Partly that was down to my being underweight (due to anorexia nervosa) but a lot of it was thanks to massive amounts of oral steroids (for my severe brittle asthma) having done a good job as stripping my spine & having a disability that impacts on my ability to weight-bear. The phrase "If you just ATE more & did a bit less exercise..." makes me want to weep because there is no "just" about it. Also, for me, the multiple physical disabilities I have mean that for me weightgain won't mean a massive improvement in my physical health. Meh. At the other end of the scale, I have frequently encountered the attitude that because I am Young And Thin I must be in bounding good health. And presumably just at the hospital to socialise Hmm

Society as a whole does seem quite ready to jump on thin people, too. Even at my current weight (am almost in the healthy range, which in my head is The Hippo Range, though only for me, not anyone else, I hasten to add!) I still get stares/whispers/snark & people feeling free to comment on my size/apparel/shopping basket contents. The latter is a whole other world of awful because food shopping is such a complete nightmare without other people making comments like "no WONDER she's that size if she eats like that!" because I understand that to mean "of course she is a thundering great lump she eats like a whole herd of pigs". Getting "oh aren't you GOOD" for a basket of low-calorie/fat/salt/sugar/taste foods isn't awfully helpful either because it sounds like "yes, yes, eating a few hundred calories a day is GOOD, the less food the better, look at how other people think this is Right And Proper". Am not holding other people responsible for My Crazy, obviously, but I don't think anyone should have to put up with this kind of scrutiny & comment from others. Also, just as overweight/obese people are so often categorised as Lazy And Greedy, thin people often find themselves labelled negatively as people project all sorts of attitudes onto them. I'm sure some thin people ARE unbearably smug & superior, but that's only true in the same way some fat people ARE greedy & lazy.

If you are thin, any complaint you make about things to do with your size - eg having trouble finding clothes to fit - is taken to be a stealth boast & summarily dismissed. Random people feel completely free to tell you you should gain weight. People are fascinated by your diet & exercise regime. I think both ends of the scale suffer because people know that weight is a spectrum & whilst they could find themselves anywhere on it they don't want to think that. It seems people often want to believe that they are not "skinny" through circumstances outside their control yet they are not "fat" owing to their behaviours. Am sure this ties in to that trend for people to be hostile towards people who are losing weight. (I can understand being hostile towards Diet Bores, however. They make me stabby. Along of wannarexics & fauxlimics, though in a different way, obviously.) It does grate on me when people tell me I'm "lucky" to be "naturally skinny". Because there is nothing Natural about it: my set weight would give me a BMI of almost 22 & Medical Stuff means that I really "should" be overweight. It's not luck, it's self-destruction. And, of course, I never feel anything other than elephantinely enormous, however thin I am. Sad

Oh dear, have gone terribly rambly. Insomnia + internet access can be dangerous. Basically, yes, I do think that, whilst any (perceived) Difference can be used as an excuse to behave badly towards people, hostility towards fat people is seen as acceptable by much of society. That being said, skinny people do catch it too, because size&weight are such a fixation for humans. Gah.

Swipe left for the next trending thread