To be absolutely Livid and to complain to the school in writing?

[NeoMaxiZoomDweebie]

DD2 is just turned 5 and in reception. She has a "friend" who is called E. DD has often come home in the last 2 months with tales of "E hit X in the face with a spade because she wasn't allowed to play with me" or "E strangled Y because Y wanted to play with me."

In the last week DD has come home daily with a complaint about E and on Wed she said E hit her and took another child's book and put it in DDs PE kit bag.

DD told the teacher....she has never told on E before when she has pulled or pushed dd about as she thinks of E as her friend allbeit a bossy friend.
Anyway...today I went in to school and as the teacher was in the office with E's mother, I had to tell the TA all about E hitting DD yesterday and the ongoing complaints.

The TA told me that she had put E in "Amber" on Wed for the hitting of DD but had not been aware of E's bullying of DD prior to this, she said she would keep a close eye on things today.

I just bathed DD and her leg is COVERED in bright red thin scratches...the sort of thing that comes from a sharp piece of glass or a sharp stone. THey are criss crossing DDs entire front lower leg...loads of them. They stung Dd when she got in the bath and she says E did it.

AIBU to be livid? I don't know how this child is getting away with hurting DD and others on a daily basis.

What do I do? How to tackle this. I don't want DD NEAR the kid again. I was prepared to give her the benefit of the doubt before...I put it all down to little children finding their place...I was even going to ask the childs mother if E could come and play at our house one day.

Not now. What kind of child inflicts such concentrated nastiness on another?

Also...can I ask that the teachers keep the girl away from my DD? Will they do that? I don't want DD to be playing with her. DD says she is nice and then nasty...then "E forgets to be nasty and is nice again."

I have photographed DDs leg.

I think you should take a photo of the cuts,and include them in your email.I would ask the school for a clear outline of their anti-bullying policy,and ask them what they plan to do to address this bullying and safeguard your daughter from it.

Then I would await their reply before making suggestions of your own.Clear your email clear,concise and as direct as possible.

Poor dd,hope she is ok x

Make sure you take pictures and show them to the school tomorrow. Make sure that your comments are noted in writing, and that an action plan to avoid a repeat is developed and agreed by both of you.

Hilda I am going in in person. I never email. I have photos. DD seems fine but she' never lets things get her down. I am cross because DD was quiet in the start of reception and has this last term begun to bloom socially. Made more friends and opened up a lot and now this!

Will the teacher keep DD away from the girl? I do not want her playing with a child who hurts her. It is the schools job to keep her safe after all?

Can anyone suggest what to write? Do I hand the letter to the class teacher? The make a verbal complaint?

Yes,the school have a responsibility to keep her safe while she is in their care.I don't usually like emails myself,although I think you would stop you being 'fobbed off' (not saying that they will do that)if they are aware you have a record of making an official complaint,outlining the details above.

Hi OP. I'm really sorry to hear what you and your DD are experiencing. In the first instance, I would suggest you photograph the criss cross marks. Ask DD to tell you exactly what happened and write down what she says word for word. When she's in bed, write down everything you know about your DDs relationship with this other child, with specific events and dates or even just the month if possible.

It does sound like that there is very much a targeted element to this. The school therefore, need to implement their anti bullying policy and procedures (of which you are entitled to a copy). I would suggest talking to a member of the school's management team tomorrow. Take along your notes and show them the photos (even if they are just on your phone).

You certainly can request that the school put measures in place to seperate the girls and also to support them in building a more positive, healthy relationship. Good luck

Weissdorn DD has other friends and daily tells me she's played with Y and Z aswell as E so she shouldn't be feeling she has to play with E. I've told her to avoid E now and I NEVER interfere in my DCs friendships.

I firmly believe they will play with who they want to and we should not interfere.

now to further complicate things DD is saying E never did it. I think this is to protect E but how can I now complain??

You definitely need to talk to the school about this, but I'd be a little careful until you know the full story. As Weissdorn says it is often difficult as a teacher to keep children apart when they choose to be together. Why has this only just been raised with teachers if it has been going on for a while? The school can only class behaviour as bullying if it is sustained - a one-off incident of hitting is serious, but it is not bullying. You must encourage your DD to tell a grown up every time something happens before you can realistically expect the school to implement an anti-bullying strategy.

You also maybe need to question why your DD allowed this damage to happen her leg? It sounds like something that would have taken a little while. Maybe it was a game and she was quite intrigued by the lines which then became sore later. I'm not saying you don't have very valid concerns, but I am suggesting you go and talk to the teacher with an open mind.

A version of this happened to me when I was a kid. Mum spoke to the school and the other Mum... Other Mum of course couldn't believe her daughter would do anything and the school said it was nonsense because we were "best friends".

I know my Mum was persistent. I honestly can't remember how it got solved - I imagine the school stopped us being together in class and were conscious of it during time in the playground. I guess feeling able to talk to someone in charge at school would have helped take some of the girl's "power" away. I remember feeling she was invincible.

Anyway, I know after I told my Mum it was resolved quickly - the girl and I were on reasonable terms (a few incidents aside) for years afterwards.

YABU to be livid because your DD never told the teacher anything until the other day and even then it was a mild single complaint

(assuming that's true, I am amazed at any reception child who doesn't gleefully grass the others up at nearly every opportunity, it's an aberration not to, no matter how close friends they are)

But YANBU to be very concerned and want to impress on the school that they must take action now.

Agree with others that your DD will forgive this girl far sooner than you would, and that your DD may be just as horrid on occasion (to E. or others).

I think Im angry because today is the very day I DID complain and yet the worst thing of all has happened. So they weren't keeping an eye on the child at all.

DD isn't a "tattle tale" her TA said...she's very loyal and has a strong sense of fairness....those were the tas words...DD has always played fair and as she has an older Sister has perhaps a more mature outlook than many reception childrne.

Oh...and no....DD is not a hitter, not a biter nor a strangler and would NEVER inflict vicious scratches on another child or throttle anyone. So no Llikk she would not be "just as horrid."

Do you think maybe it only took 30 seconds to cause the damage? Sounds possible, and might not have been apparent to onlookers, especially if your DD was laughing thru it.

Was she scratched badly thru tights, or did she have bare legs today (not too cold?)

Xpost.
Sitting on hands.
There, my very very very first.

I think that the girl has some kind of hold on DD...I had a similar "friend" when I was small and this girl used to pinch me black and blue and as I was afraid of her...I let her.

Do you lljkk imagine that ALL 5 year old's are loudmouths who fight back?

I think that everyone has a dark side and a bit difficult to accurately predict "Oh MY child would never do that."

Plenty of threads on MN where people are shocked by their child's own behaviour.

Just wondering, if your DD's leg is covered in criss-cross scratches, did she just sit there whilst E scratched her legs? Surely after the first scratch she would have got up and walked away, or cried, or called out?

How were the scratches inflicted? Did E attack her with a bit of glass or a stone?
What does your dd say happened?

Ok, first of all, you need to calm down.

These children are five, and unfortunately these things do happen. Rather than write a letter of complaint, I would write a list of all the times you can remember that your dd has had problems with E, and make a note the conversations you have had with the teacher and TA.

Go into school in the morning, insist on an urgent appointment with the head teacher. I would make it for Monday morning, so that when you speak about it properly, they will have everything fresh in their heads for a start of the new week. Have a quick word with the teacher first, let her know that you are worried and ask if you can talk to her at the end of the day.

There is no need for you to go raging in expecting everything to change the instant you do, the school will know that you are serious from the fact that you are booking appointments and will be on extra alert with your DD and E.

The school will not be able to completely keep E away from your dd, and nor should they. As long as they are in the same class, and especially an early years class, it would be a physical impossibility.

You say that your dd has never told on E before. You need to encourage her to tell teachers, TAs, lunchtime staff, and even other children when someone is being mean to her. Teach her to shout 'No, don't do that' at anyone who is hurting her or being mean. Your dd may need extra support to learn about boundaries in friendships to help her know if someone isn't being a good friend to her.

I think you need to speak to the teacher. If your daughter is not 'telling' when things happen to her how is the teacher supposed to know? (Do you know that the message was passed on by the TA?) Also if your dd sees this girl as a friend and is hiding what she is doing then again, how is the teacher supposed to know? I think talk to the teacher. This will not be sorted out immediately, as you have said your dd is now retracting her story to 'protect' her friend.

I also think you need to talk with your dd. She isn't doing anything to stop this girl even though she is really hurting her. What is it about this girl that is making your dd so reluctant to tell? Is she scared? Is her reluctance to 'tattle tale' really the reason she is not telling when this girl is causing her physical pain?

This passive behaviour, accepting and protecting the person who is hurting her would really worry me. She has hidden it from her teachers and you. It is very upsetting to think of anyone hurting our children but you have only just begun to find out the extent of it so give the school a chance too.

I hope you get this sorted, again talk to the teacher and keep on talking if anything else happens but also talk to your dd. Tell her that this is not the behaviour of a friend and she shouldn't put up with it. Give her a phrase to say to E when she does anything your daughter doesn't like e.g. "That's not something a friend would do. I'll be your friend when you can be my friend" and encourage her to play with others.

She doesn't have to be a 'loudmouth' but she does need to do something to stop this from happening. Good luck I hope you find a solution.