To be a bit upset by MiLs stillbirth story when Im pg with first baby?

[Msbluesky32]

Stillbirth is a terrible thing, I've never experienced it but to loose a child must be soul destroying on a massive scale. I can only imagine though and I feel for anyone who has gone through it themselves.

To put this into context MiL is quite a negative person at times, she dwells on negative things a lot - it's part of her personality. This is our first baby - so I have no previous experiences of childbirth or having a child. Very recently the PIL came to visit and I was talking to MiL by herself and she started talking about her friend who lost her baby at 36 weeks. In her words it was born 'dead' please excuse my turn of phrase on here, but this is how she described it. She went on to talk in detail about it and then said that her friend was about the same gestation as I am now. The details kept on coming and I couldn't help but wonder if she was trying to suggest that I prepare myself for this terrible thing to happen. At the time I was pretty shocked but not upset - but the further along I get I seem to be thinking about it more and more (I'm 37+2 now). Is it me being a pregnant emotional woman or is this something you just don't say to a heavily pregnant woman?

I don't think you're being over emotional. How insensitive of your MIL!

I thought you were going to say you were only a few weeks pregnant - that would have been bad enough - but to tell an awful tale like that happening at the same point in the pregnancy as you are now - well ...... i'm amazed at her.

I do not think stillbirth should be hidden.

But I think for her to be banging on about something that happened to a third party was unhelpful in the extreme. I would have had some sympathy with her having a need to talk about it had she been describing her own bereavement (as there may be all sorts of complex motivations behind that one). But gratuitous horror stories to the heavily pregnant are unnecessary.

Gosh that's very unhelpful and insensitive.

I knew DM had had a lateish mc before me, and I asked her about it while she was pg. She said she didn't remember the details and changed the subject. I found out a year or more later that she had lost at exactly the gestation I was at when I asked (17w) so ABs thought it would frighten me. That's the sensitive response.

There is something about being pregnant that seems to make people tell you horror stories. A woman I work with was just the same as your MIL (I won't repeat what she said here though!!)

YANBU in the slightest. Try and focus on the positive, the world is brimming with healthy babies and I am sure you will be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy, enjoy the last few days/weeks as much as you can.

ABs thought = she thought

at phone

YANBU to be upset by the story, of course not.

Whether you're unreasonable to be upset that your MiL told you the story really depends on what you think her intention was. It sounds as though she misjudged this rather than being intentionally malicious. I would probably let it go but be ready to stop her if she tries to regale you with any more tragic incidents.

Don't let it get into your brain. There is no reason to think that anything bad is going to happen to you and your baby. Think happy thoughts and concentrate on getting ready for the new addition to your family.

Congratulations by the way. Put your feet up and watch some crappy telly whilst you can.

I thought you meant at first that she was talkign about her own experience of stillbirth, and was ready to say you were BU

but yanbu...the experiences of someone else, told in such detail seems insensitive and un-necessary, like she was using them to make a point about something (God knows what...)

Agree with meditrina, it shouldn't be hidden but it wasn't her bereavement so not as if she was grieving, iyswim.

My mum has a tendency to be negative like this, i'd just tell her in future tbh, otherwise she won't realise maybe?

It is very insensitive of her, she probably just doesn't think.

Unfortunately there seems to be a group of people who, for reasons best known to themselves, think that this is an ideal topic of conversation for first time mothers. I had it from a number of people, some of whom are friends, with my first and then to lesser extent during my current pregnancy. It does happen and it shouldn't be something which is taboo for people to talk about if they are grieving but as meditrina says it really isn't necessary to bring it up and harp on about it. I'd be tempted to call her on it if she mentions it again.

Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy and birth :)

V insensitive but not unique to your mil.

I found that all the horrific birth stories were reeled out by all sorts of people who had friends/aunts/sisters etc etc to whom tragedy had struck or had had an awful labour.

Just ignore the doomsayers - I don't know why but pregnancy brings it out in people. I think some of them thrive off it - does she always talk of other's tragedies?

maybe tell mil of someone her age who randomly died when out shopping - no one knew of any problems until suddenly - when paying for some new jumpers in Debenhams she just collapsed - dead before she hit the ground - terrible - more tea mil?

I have a relative who would do this - throw a grenade into your happiness and then walk off gleefully with a "... but I'm sure it won't happen to you..."

Do you think she's deliberately trying to make you worried, or just thoughtless?

Thanks ladies. I agree about the grieving - it would have been very different if she had lost a child and i would have understood the reasons for her mentioning it. On the whole I'm a very calm person but because this is my first its all a little unknown and scary.

This happenned to me (not MIL) but a work colleague. I thought it was a very odd story to tell me - I don't think she meant anything spiteful by it. I just thought she was a bit insensitive

maddening yes she does talk about tragedies a lot, and death and funerals. I suspect she suffers with depression, but refuses to seek help of any kind.

arithmeticulous I'm not sure. There is part of me that thinks its harmless and it's just her negative thought processes but another part of me that wonders if its a reaction to me and her son sharing something between us that she isn't involved in. She reacted quite strangely when we told her we were expecting. We waited until the 12 week scan to make sure everything was ok but she was furious we hadn't told them earlier.

Oh you poor thing, it sends shivers down your spine doesn't it? Unfortunately that only gets worse once the baby's here - news stories that you used to be able to read with a normal degree of human empathy but with a bit of detachment suddenly make your blood run cold. Totally reasonable of you to be upset - and bizarre that she thought it was an appropriate topic to dwell on.

All the best for the rest of your pregnancy, and congratulations!

Just like GladbagsGold,a work colleague loved to do this when I was in late pregnancy with long-awaited DS1. The first time I just looked aghast and felt quite upset; the second time I was ready for her and cut her off with a "That's enough thank you".
No personal bereavement there, she was just a ghoul.
DOn't let her get to you, and have a serene last bit of pregnancy .

YANBU it was really insensitive.
When we phoned up dh's sister to tell her all was well after our 20 week scan and we were having a boy and all very excited she responded by telling us about a friend who lost a baby at the same gestation. I have never quite forgiven her for it she knew we had a hard time conceiving and were very nervous about the pregnancy so her comments really didn't help, there was no need to share the story. I also never see why people see a real need to share their horror birth stories with pregnant women. I had a really nice quick birth so I purposely tell them about mine so they can realise it can be nowhere near as bad as all the other stories they have heard and hopefully help them feel more positive about their impending birth.
Congratulations and try and enjoy the last bit of your pregnancy.

Perhaps she told you from a perspective that if you fell, didn't feel baby move etc that you should be extra careful - I know for my first I was blissfully unaware that things went wrong at that late stage, I distinctly remember at 30w breathing a sigh of relief that I would at last have a baby from this pregnancy... but realistically it isn't the time to tell you.

I would hope insensitive tale, but with good intention behind it. My mother wouldn't book tickets to come and see baby, buy anything etc until it was born - she is quite superstitious about births. Although it was easy to see her point was "things can go wrong still", it was more sensitive than actually saying it to my face.

Start a book (mental or real) on bizarre MIL tales and facts - there will be more to come, trust me. Try not to stress out - her friend's daughter's neighbour's tale isn't going to be relevant to you. She probably hasn't even got the right facts.

In that case she is a classic doomsayer - and you will have this forever - she will always have a tale of doom that fits your life - you get a new wardrobe she'll know someone who died in one etc etc.

Don't dwell on it - the probability of such a thing happening is v remote. All you can do is follow the advice, attens antenatal appointments, keep an eye on your health and bring any concerns to your midwife.

Thanks all.

florin I'd love to hear your lovely birth story - is it on a thread here? I love a nice birth story.

Thanks jenny I laughed out loud at that last bit!

Please don't let it worry you. She is obviously a negative drama fan. My MIL is a bit like that but at least she waited until after I had DS to describe the horrific injuries she sustained giving birth to DH. I must admit I felt a lot of respect that she went on to have SIL after all that.

I too cannot understand why your MIL would do this as it wasn't her experience - pointless negativity.

Also a lot of these horror stories happened in the old days and are rarer now or at least treatments are more advanced.

I wish you the best of luck for your birth!

nope YANBU, if it was her experience I could understand it but I don't and will never understand the delight some people take in regaling you with tales of 3rd party misfortune.

My DM can be like this, when a friend gave birth recently another family friend passed away prompting my mother to comment "one in one out" I asked who she was expecting to die when I give birth to my PFB in August....

She has now agreed that when I am pregnant (suffering with anxiety and rather fragile) stories and comments like these are banned!

My birth story:
On my due date we decided to celebrate it rather than get fed up about being still pregnant. I did lots of walking while my Dh was at work and then we went out to a Mexican restaurant and had a glass of wine. We came home in good spirits and lots of joking in bed about when the baby would come we said good night and I rolled over and my waters went. After all the joking dh didn't believe me but soon did-it was a lot of water! The hospital said we had to go in to get checked so we packed last minute things and about an hours later happily laughing and joking headed to the hospital. Hospital just swabbed me for MRSI and booked me in for an induction in 48 hours incase I didn't go into labour naturally. From the time the nurse left the room to book it to coming back in with the appointment my contractions were mild but 1.5 mins apart. I came home got in the bath where they got a lot stronger. I got out and for a second I was scared as I was nervous as they were so intense as I thought they were going to go on like this and worse for 24 hours as most people said that is how long a first labour would take. However the reason they were so intense was i was getting the urge to push! We went back to hospital where I got taken straight to triage. They checked me and I was 4cm they moved me to another room and checked me again and I had gone from 4cm to 6cm in 20 minutes. Another half an hour and I was 10cm. I hated gas and air and no time for any pain relief however I found the actual pushing less painful than the contractions. He came out perfect at 6am. I had a second degree tear but it didn't hurt being stitched up or afterwards. As soon as I was stitched up I jumped up showered and changed and had more lovely cuddles with my lovely boy. My parents popped in just after lunch with Parma ham-something I had missed in my pregnancy then we went home late afternoon. We were shopping for clothes for him the day after and the next day out for lunch. There is no doubt it did hurt but not for long and the moment he was out it stopped. It was such a positive experience and gave us such a positive start to parenthood.
I hope it all goes well for you

People are very insensitive ime, someone I told I was pregnant said 'Oh I'll keep my fingers crossed for you" when I asks why she said 'because 1 in 4 pregnancies end in mc'

Thanks for that

I agree with minty it does get worse, I used to be hard as nails and am now the biggest wuss EVER!

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