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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I hope I'm not being a vulture, I don't think I am but interested in opinions.

37 replies

SolidGoldBrass · 20/03/2013 12:07

I have had celebrant training, though I have mostly conducted weddings, but know the basics of funeral officiation as well.
At the end of last year, a friend of mine died, and I mentioned to a mutual friend that I could do funerals, and was available if wanted. The family were pleased, and took me up on it and all went well.

Now another friend (more of a friend-of-a-friend but someone I have known for a long time) has died So I emailed a mutual friend and said that I didn't want to intrude but if they wanted the service done by someone who had known her, etc...

What do you all think? Is it intrustive to suggest doing this, or are people likely to find it comforting and helpful to have an officiant who knew the deceased. (BTW if I knew the person was, for instance, religious and regularly attended religious services, or that his/her close family were, then obviously I would stay well out of it.)

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 20/03/2013 12:11

I wouldn't be offended.
My sister had a humanist funeral, the celebrant was recommended to us by a friend of hers.
It was a beautiful service, and if she wasn't so far away, I would recommend her to friends.

MoonlightandRoses · 20/03/2013 12:12

YANBU (assuming the offer of officiation is free) - you are offering help and support to the family. If they don't wish to take you up on it, they won't.

It's always obvious, at a celebration or mourning, when the person conducting the service actually knew and liked the people involved.

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2013 12:12

Fine IMO.

The amount of things to think about doing after someone has died is extraordinary, and to have someone to offer their services like this would be one less thing to worry about i would think.

Omnishambolic · 20/03/2013 12:13

Presumably you want paying (most celebrants do)? If so it feels a bit like touting for work at a very sensitive time.

Pancakeflipper · 20/03/2013 12:15

I think it's fine to suggest, I would be grateful that someone who knew them offered to do it. I might not use you for other reasons but it's good to know there's that option

cozietoesie · 20/03/2013 12:15

Interesting. My first off the cuff reaction was that it was intrusive but with a few minutes thought - and casting my mind back to the funerals I've been involved in over the past few years - I think I've changed my mind and that it would not be unwelcome.

wannabeEostregoddess · 20/03/2013 12:16

YANBU.

At my GFs funeral the minister refferred to him throughout as a shortened version of his name that he was never known by. Think Samuel. Minister used Sam but he was known as Sammy.

Much nicer to have someone who knew the person conducting it than have false words spoken by a stranger.

Eskino · 20/03/2013 12:16

I think its a lovely idea.

fluffyraggies · 20/03/2013 12:18

At my fathers funeral the minister kept referring to his childhood in Dorset.

DF grew up in Hampton Heath :(

LadyBeagleEyes · 20/03/2013 12:24

The celebrant at my sister's funeral talked to the whole family, friends and even went to her work, where she'd been for over 25 years to speak to them.
I felt she knew my sister when she did the service.

Owllady · 20/03/2013 12:27

I think regardless of religion or whether you are a humanist, I think it is nice to be represented at your funeral by someone who knew you. My grandad was not religious but was long term friends with a man who was a chapel minister and he did my Grandfathers service at the crematorium and it was just a lot more touching and personal
imo

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2013 12:38

As a fellow funeral and wedding celebrant I understand where you are coming from. It can be difficult - I was really upset at my MiL's funeral because we had offered to do the funeral but the rest of the family wanted a "proper" vicar, despite MiL not being religious. The vicar made a right dogs ear of the event, even got the names of her children wrong. It was crap and impersonal.

So I agree that it can make a difference having a celebrant who knew the person. It does make for a more personal funeral, but ultimately it's up to the family of the deceased to make the call.

With friends I've always waited to be asked rather than pushing my services. A gentle offer to help with creating the service because of your experience, can be a way of offering services without being too pushy.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 20/03/2013 12:40

No, I think it's really kind of you. I would imagine there are ways and ways of making the offer, but they way you're putting it sounds perfect.

I think often people have almost a squeamish attitude about death and feel shy of saying anything, which can be really isolating for people who're bereaved. So I think your attitude is perfect.

freddiemisagreatshag · 20/03/2013 12:42

You sound lovely.

onepieceoflollipop · 20/03/2013 12:44

Two of my grandparents had humanist funerals and one in particular was very special.
Thinking about your question, it is the payment issue that is the tricky part I think...it could cause awkwardness if a friend thought you were offering to do it for free, and some people do get mixed up with such things.
Do you have a low key brochure/website/leaflet or even a business card type thing? I guess that your role does come up from time to time in general conversation. If you were able to give out a card or whatever, there could be a discreet but clear reference to payment and this would clarify for all involved.
It would be more tricky (well I would find it hard) to mention terms of payment verbally.

CalamityJones · 20/03/2013 12:45

I'd have really liked it. The vicars at my parents' funerals were both unbelievably awful - the one at my father's spent most of the time talking about his first wife (who wasn't there and nobody knew) and the one at my mum's was so bad that it was almost funny. I almost complained about him but was talked out of it by my sister. It would have been lovely for it to be done by someone who knew them. Or even just someone halfway competent.

onepieceoflollipop · 20/03/2013 12:47

Sorry, you don't mention payments, I was just looking at other posts. :)
Meant to add, how lovely for an family to have someone who knew the deceased or at least had some connection.
Dh's uncle (not religious) ended up with the duty type priest person, he was a nice man but we knew he did dozens of funerals a week at the crematorium.

Latara · 20/03/2013 12:52

YANBU; it's a good idea.

At my grandmother's funeral we asked the hospital chaplain to take the service because he'd met my nan when she was dying. He had already seen some of the family & made an effort to personalise the service.

worldgonecrazy · 20/03/2013 12:53

I don't know about SGB, but we don't charge for funeral services as we both work and don't need the money. If we don't know the person we ask for mileage if it's a distance away, and a donation to our chosen charity, Operation Smile, so that at least some joy can come from the sad occasion. If we do know the person we'd have been going to the funeral anyway, so it would not feel moral to charge.

Death and funerals are expensive enough as it is, so it's a small thing we can do to help the family.

WestieMamma · 20/03/2013 12:55

I think it depends on whether you're volunteering or touting for business.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2013 12:59

When my father died very suddenly, my closest friend's father, who is an ordained minister in a small Baptist-type church, offered to officiate at the funeral for me.

We didn't take him up on the offer, because my parents lived about 300 miles from where I, my friend and her father lived, and the vicar at their church knew Dad well, and was going to perform the service for us. But that didn't stop me being so touched and comforted by the gesture that my friend's father made - it felt so kind and generous, and very comforting at the time.

Some years later, when my friend's father sadly died of cancer, I wrote a letter of condolence to his wife, and told her about her husband's offer to do Dad's funeral to us, and how much it had meant to me. She didn't know he had offered (because he was such a modest man), and that little story was special for her.

onepieceoflollipop · 20/03/2013 13:00

I think if it is being offering for free, then not being a vulture at all. And neither is it being a vulture if payment is required, just needs sensitive handling.

Hassled · 20/03/2013 13:02

Not vulturish at all - I think it was nice of you to make the offer.

Thumbwitch · 20/03/2013 13:04

I think that, in general, it's nicer to have someone who knew the deceased officiating, so you offering yourself in that capacity is fine, if they are not aware that you can do it.

I think you do need to be careful re. the payments; of course you will want paying, it's your job, but it needs to be obvious that you are doing it as a job, albeit a job-with-personal-interest.

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/03/2013 13:23

SGB it is a lovely idea. Got me thinking a bit. When I go, I think I'd like a MNetter to do my funeral. No interviewing of family would be required, a trawl of my posts would give enough material and as I post what I think here it would be more honest!
And embarrassing but I'll be pan bread so who cares?

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