To say no you can't have custody if your just going to be at work

[HarryTheHungryHippo]

Don't want to drip feed so here are the facts

Dc 21 months ex and me have joint custody
He was previously unemployed and has just got a job. His working hours will be 7am-3pm 5 days a week
I also work 10 am till 1pm 4 days one week and 6 days the next ( sometimes I do till 2 and I also do one evening where I am able to take dc)
Ex had said he want to continue same level of custody however I feel uncomfortable about ds being in nursery for most of the day when i don't work many hours and could have him. We have him a week each at the moment.
Would I be unreasonable to say no? On one hand I feel mean but on the other it's 5 days a week in nursery and 40 hours. Can I even say no?

Well what alternative custody schedule would you suggest? Rather than just saying no.

Will you be giving up your job then?

Cutting it down, maybe 4 days a week instead of 7, then he's only in nursery for 2 days and he'll be off the other 2.
Really wafer come on of course I'm not saying you should give up your kids. If your partner was at home or available would you still put them in childcare rather than with him?

Personally, I would want to arrange contact for when your ex could spend time with his DC. I can't really understand why he would want his dc in nursery rather than with one parent. That is before you even consider the expense.

Custody is different from contact though, so maybe I have misunderstood. Did you mean contact?

Yes you can say no and you should if its how you feel.

Ok, if you were still together I think you would share childcare, did you do this previously.
Just tell him you will take some of the responsibility of nursery when he is at work. Then he can pick dc up from you, then they go to his house.
Same level of custody as he isn't there when dc at nursery, so that isn't contact time anyway. Obviously, when you are at work be prepared to do likewise.

you have 50/50 shared care. it isn't up to you what childcare arrangements your child's father makes during his time with his son.

you could re-jig the custody arrangement so that you have your son from when you get out of work the days your ex is working but have him for fewer nights. or could you re-jig your work hours so that you could do more of teh day time care if that is what is important to you. but you must still ensure you are facilitating 50/50 contact for your son with his father and if that means your son is in day care while his dad works tehn that is up to his dad.

To be clear I'm not thinking this to be a bitch it just seems strange to me that he'd be in nursery when I could have him.

YANBU. What alternatives would work for your little boy ?

What's the difference 3little? There's no court order we just agreed this.
Sorry I said I wasn't going to drip feed and I missed put a very bloody important bit. We live far apart (over 100 miles)
Makes it more complicated

50/50 shared care does not mean that a child has to be divided equally between 2 parents so they both get their 'share'. Its about working together to create contact arrangements which are child centered and put the needs of the child first. Perhaps when Ex looks at the costs of nursery fees he might rethink ?

you may find that the weekly schedule wouldn't actually work for your ex in any case given that he'd no doubt have to pay for nursery regardless of whether dc is there out not. he might be open to other options once he's looked into it

Custody is an old fashioned term and is no longer used. Contact is the correct term.
And if you live 100 miles away, one week at each parents house isn't going to be feasible when he starts pre school and school. Some tough decisions for you both.

I just thought that custody wasn't quite the same as contact. I could be wrong though.

The distance is a complicating factor. I would think travelling arrangements could be tricky.

I still don't think time in nursery is quality time with a parent.

so how do you see 50/50 shared care working if you live 100 miles apart and dont want the child in daycare?

Harry.

Is the 100 miles apart the reason for the week each then? I was wondering why you had arranged it like this.
Well one thing is certain it isn't working if one or both of you are unhappy.
Could you not both meet halfway on these days. Is it always an early morning start?
If you can think of alternatives that might work everyone could be happy.
I see where you are coming from, I wouldn't be happy neither because the level of childcare is not your preference for your ds.
YADNBU

But you put him into childcare when you have.him......why.shouldnt exp?

so how do you see 50/50 shared care working if you live 100 miles apart and dont want the child in daycare?

Well it wouldn't be 50/50 anymore. He is going to be here ft once he starts school anyway. The other concern is if he goes to nursery a lot there then he'll maybe be more upset at starting school here? Do you think it will cause him upset?

Adams I'm at work for 3 hours even with travel time I'm gone less than 4. He spends those 4 days with my mum

Stability is very important IMO.

Future schooling, as others have said, will be impossible with alternate weeks. I think you will have to plan ahead and sort it out now.

Alternate weeks can be very hard on the child. I remember a friend of Ds's who had to spend alternate weeks at his parents' respective houses. They only lived about 2 miles apart, but the poor lad was trying to cope with GCSEs and his homework/coursework/uniform was constantly being left in the wrong house.

I defy any adult to be able to cope with a demanding job that requires lots of work to be done at home, to cope with living alternate weeks in separate locations.

well he'll be moving from whatever nursery he goes to when he goes to school so there will be a transition period regardless of whether he goes to nursery 100 miles away or nursery where you live.

i think the nursery issue isn't one that really should be getting discussed right now. i think you both need to decide what the arrangement will be long term as it isn't practical to have a 1 week here/1 week there arrangement when he goes to school. you both need to decide what changes need to be made so that he gets to spend good quality time with both of you once school starts. if you decide to stay living 100 miles apart then one of you will have to give up alot of contact.

I think the fact that he spends the time he's at yours when you work is a red herring, even though I appreciate that ordinarily free, family-provided care can seem preferable to nursery.

You both need to think longer term - if you want to continue 50/50 time one of you is going to have to move. I also don't think you can say 'no'. This isn't a decision that can be taken unilaterally.